Curating Confidence In Dating, LIKE A BOSS.

You present such fierce confidence at work, with friends, your take charge wonder woman attitude smashes most everyday challenges with such ease and yet… when it comes to the world of love and dating, that inner rock star has gone MIA.

And, I know it’s been savage out there in the dating world lately.  You’ve gone on a zillion 1st dates or maybe haven’t even made it past the online dating message phase to get out on a date.  And with each miss, your confidence plummets a few steps further down a black hole.

I hear it all day long, ‘confidence’ is the top item on almost every woman’s TO DO list, when it comes to finding and attracting love.

Confidence is our outer bravery.  It’s how we translate the way we feel about ourselves on the inside to those around us, how we show our self-worth on our sleeve.  Unlike self-worth, we can put on confidence like an off the rack dress, fairly easy, TEMPORARILY.  And temporary is okay.  Temporary is what confidence does best.  It just means confidence has an expiration date.  That expiration date, is triggered by our real time self-esteem. 

The more self esteem (or self worth) we have on the inside, the brighter and longer our confidence shines on the outside. Think of self worth as the fuel we add to the fire we burn whenever we meet someone new.  Building up higher self worth, is absolutely possible, and a HUGE part of the work I do with my private clients, but it takes time, practice and some hard graft.  Today, we are going to zoom in and focus on CONFIDENCE.

We can indeed turn up the volume on our confidence, at will, even before we deep dive into up leveling our self esteem.

The following is a very short, and very sweet TWO STEP technique that you can start using today, in the very moments you pick up your phone to swipe away AND when you head out to that first date.

The Confidence Mantra

STEP ONE:  THE END GAME

Take a few minutes here to think about what is the best-case scenario of this interaction, whether that be in person on a date, heading out to a group outing or event where you could meet someone OR simply clicking on your online dating app. 

*WARNING*  The correct answer to this is NOT “Meet the love of my life/future partner/the one/soulmate!!!   Ease off that pressure valve, dearest one!  

When I say best case scenario for this date/message/event, what I mean is HOW CAN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES or even THE NEXT FEW HOURS go really REALLY well?   What would be a fantastic first date?  What would it sound like? Look like? Smell like?

Maybe, that ideal first date for you, would look like…

We have a good time, laugh hard, eat some amazing food and the conversation flows nice and easy. There is a spark and the date ends with us both thinking and saying, we want to see each other again. 

Notice, it was not focused on what the other person was going to be, but instead on the time you were going to create with each other?  Focus on what #winning would like for this one interaction.

Also, there was no ‘love at first sight’ crazy talk.  We need to keep it real AND yet still positive & gorgeous. 

We do not want to walk in with super low expectations either like…

I hope he/she has a pulse. I hope I don’t want to stick them in the eye with my fork halfway through our meal…

Yup, I’ve been on those dates too, lady!

So now, let's phrase up this first step…

“We are going to laugh hard, have some yummy food, flowing convo and at the end, both of us can’t wait to see each other again!”

all photo via unpslash

STEP TWO; Show up in your Sunday best.

We want to show up, positively shining!  Whether that be on a date, via a message sent online or at a local meetup. We have so much to offer that special someone, so very much to contribute to a real loving relationship.   Tell me what you’re working with mama!

I want you to take a few minutes here to think of THREE things YOU are bringing to the table on this interaction. 

It can be ANYTHING…  your special brand of witty humor, your Star Wars nerd extraordinaire status, your incredibly kind listening skills, Open heart, Great laugh,  Fierce intellect,  Adulting like a boss, Thirst for adventure, Sharp political wit, your business saavy #bossgirl heat, and yes, even those damn fine legs you worked hard to get!  

ANY THREE THINGS YOU KNOW you have to offer.

Once you have them, let’s construct the second part of that confidence mantra so it sounds something like this…

“I am going to let THING 1, THING 2 and THING 3 shine bright tonight!  I will let them lead me like a beacon into a FAB night/date/message/event,  with this person! "

Now… tweak that shit.  Make it your own.  Your own words, your own tone.

OWN. IT.

Then… ready?

RECORD IT.

Either type it up as a note in your phone or a personal voice memo, that so you can play back whenever you need it, cause mantras are all in the repeat!  And we shall need to, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT as often as it takes to call up the light forces of our confidence!

My private clients LOVE this one, so brave up my lovely, try this technique out and let me know how you get on!   Not only will you feel better about you, confidence is a killer at attracting others to us, like bees!   Get buzzing!

And remember the wise words of Marianne Williamson as you two step your way through creating and using this mantra, my dear!   xx

Resilience In Dating 101

If you have spent any time out in the wilds of dating, you already know that rejection can be a very large part of finding and attracting love.

Then again, life is full of rejection is it not?

Rejection from jobs.

Rejections from universities.

Rejections from publishers.

Rejections from credit card companies.

Rejections from bosses for promotions.

Hell, even our own bank account can offer a big old DECLINED when we were just about to brave it up for that pair of leather pants, we never thought we could rock, until just now!

Brene Brown, whom I love to bits, states in the TedTalk, that when other people dare greatly to be seen, get rejected, fail and get back up… we call it courage. In fact, Ted Talks is like the failure club. Almost every person who gets on that stage tells us their own stories of rejection and failure. 

So why are we so filled with SHAME instead of COURAGE when it comes to rejection in our dating life?

Why are we so focused on those who would not and could not SEE US and LOVE US, that we often give up, take breaks and find it soul destroying in the arena of love?

Building up some serious resilience to rejection is crucial if we are to triumph!

I have some of my tops tips (and some of my own personal memes for you to keep close) to help build up your resilience to rejection, so when that date foes badly, when they never call, or ghost you mid message.. my darling, you can rise strong each and every time!

Rejection is a blessing, in disguise;

Be philosophical about it – now you are free  to find someone who adores you, admires your loveliness and brings out the best in you.  This is not YOUR loss. You are still offering an incredible gift, YOU.  Beautiful, caring, smart, sassy, funny, incredible YOU. Grab on to the gratitude that your gift was not wasted on someone who could not or would not appreciate it! 

Hit that NEXXXT button, babes!

Thanks for rejecting me;

Consider all the reasons they were wrong for you. This helps to move on emotionally.

Write a list if it helps.

Even if that list is simply; IF they can’t have the human decency or honesty to communicate they’re not interested, (AKA ghosting!) then they’re NOT someone you want to be in a relationship with, anyways!

Sometimes we have to spend a whole lot of time, energy and thought filtering out the wrong ones.. Thankfully, they often do it for us!!  YASSS!

LIVE AND LEARN;

Sometimes we receive constructive criticism and advice which can be used to improve upon ourselves. It doesn’t mean we’re defective but it’s always a good practice to live and learn

If you have an amicable relationship with the person who rejected you, ask them why!  I strongly advise either this be a person you were friends with before the dating OR someone who offered the rejection in an adult and kind manner. 

This one requires some bravery, I know you got!

It’s too easy, to let life smack us around a bit.

That is, until we realize, this is OUR LIFE.  And though it has many things in it that we cannot control, we always have full power over what happens next.

How we respond.  To the situation, the person, place or thing… even how we respond to our feelings, is within our power.

We can love it back or hate every minute of it. We can focus on all things we have not, or on what we do have.  What we have to lose OR what we have to gain.

We can live in the solution. Or stay surrendered to the suffering.

Every minute, of every day. The choice is ours.

Today. In this minute. I CHOOSE LOVE. I CHOOSE RISING STRONG. I CHOOSE BEING SEEN AND HEARD!

What will you choose?

How to dodge the post date FIZZLE ZONE!

Oh snap!  I’m addressing the dreaded post date ‘Fizzle Zone’ today!
 
The Feminista Seeks Love facebook group has been a buzz with this topic lately.
+
My private clients are always telling me the struggle is realAF.

Lucky for them and for YOU, I have just the cure for this well known woe!
 

And here you find yourself...

The hard work and swiping has paid off, you’ve met someone, hurrah! 
 
The date was fab.. check! 
 
They looked like their profile pic (hey now, not always a given)… check! 
 
You laughed, connected and sparks flew. CH’CH’CH’ECK!!
 
BOOM!  On to date two, right??
 
Um. Not so fast, my lovely. 
 
In our modern age, and with our fulfilled amazing lives, often the first few dates can stretch out over months, not weeks!  YIKES!
 
Maybe it’s you?  Jetting off to India for a couple of weeks? Business trips to the west coast? Best friends wedding has you maid of honoring like whoa for the next two weeks!?
 
Maybe it’s them?  They have a business trip? Their mothers 50th do up North?  or some other shenanigans that have them unavailable for the next few weeks?
 
Either way, locking in those subsequent dates, is proving tricky. 

Welcome to what can very quickly become THE FIZZLE ZONE. 

image credit; Pixabay

We’ve all been there. 

Stilted messages back and forth.  Awkward salutations and ‘how are you’ snooze fest attempts to connect, then slowly AND very surely, the spark gets snuffed out and you never get out on the next date.
 
Momentum is EVERYTHING in this life... however, legit, there's just no time for another face to face meeting in the next couple of weeks! 

So how do you keep up the momentum in the interim? 



Forget the who texts who first, lady.  We are well beyond that child’s play. 

I’m about to give some REAL TALK  on exactly HOW to keep your post date message game tight AND AND AND learn more about them while the weeks pass AND AND AND have fun!!!  Um, yes, This whole dating thing?!?! It supposed to be one of the best times of your life!! 

Crazy talk, right?  Not your experience? Let’s change that, today!
 
Messages that offer value, provoke thought, trigger the memory sensors, ignite playfulness, offer eye catching visual stimulation, prompt the mind to engage and fuel the desire to continue that engagement all the while creating those all important smiles...WIN EVERY TIME!
 
The following is a fountain of tips and tricks on sending messages that not only engage someone to keep that momentum going, but attract the right person to you.  
 
Wave goodbye to the tired old “Hey you”, “Whats up” and “How are you?” messages, cause we’re about to kill them with fire!


 
**WARNING**  DO NOT Google ‘Dating message ice breakers’.  The sheer volume of WTAF, creepazoid, hot mess that is those search results can not be unseen, lady!   Good thing, I have come up with a killer list of ideas, so you can be spared that untimely google death! YIKES!
 

Ready? Away we go!

 

Hot Tip #1
KEEP IT FUN, KEEP IT LIGHT, KEEP IT VALUABLE.

image credit; Pixabay

Don’t be ‘that person’ who offers no value.

Engagement begets engagement, and RELATIONSHIPS are all about offering value to each other.  Think about it, we want someone to share our lives with;  someone who brings with them more laughter, happiness and companionship to our world.
 
We need to be able to offer that as well.  

Not sure how to translate that into messages?  No worries, I got you.  In fact, the whole wide world has an endless fountain of next level engagement and value for you!
 
HELLLLLO 2017!  We are surrounded by extreme engagement content everywhere we look!  On social media, online, websites, Youtube, Giphy.com, our own phones that take amazing pics... heck, we need look no further than our very own timelines to find incredibly engaging content to pull from!



 

Hot Tip #2

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW

What did you two connect over on that first date?  What common interests did you share? 

Was it your shared love for running? So much laughter over who was the bigger excel nerd?  A lively debate over 80’s hair metal vs 70’s glam? Did you spend 20 minutes comparing notes of your favorite foodie spots?
 
Whatever it was, these initial connections are our hefty building blocks, and build on them we shall!

IDEA 1 – Send them a pic of your lunch.  Hey, food porn is called food porn for a reason. At one of your favorite foodie spots?  Snap a pic of your lunch and send it with a note “Told you Eddies Tacos’ were the best in the city.  Play your cards right, and I might just treat you to one of these bad boys on our next date”.
 
IDEA 2 – Snap a pic of your computer screens massive excel spreadsheet, send it off with “What do you know about Excel level ninja?!?”
 
IDEA 3 – Is your favorite running store having a mega sale?  Send them a link! + “Wow, mega sale happening @ the best shop EVER for running gear!  thought of you! Let me know if you score something sweet.”

IDEA 4- Send them a youtube link of your fav Guns & Roses video "Seriously? how can you deny the legend that is Sweet Child Of Mine?"

Hot Tip #3
Zoom in on ‘THEM’

image credit;  pixabay

Start with what they already told you about themselves.  Fav TV show?  Fav Band?  Upcoming trip they are going on? 

IDEA 1 – Head over to Giphy.com and grab a hilarious Simpsons Gif (or whatever TV show was their fav) and pop it into a message. 
 
IDEA 2 – Is their fav band playing nearby this summer? Grab a link to the article about it and send it along with a note “Hey, just wanted to make sure you saw this… THEY’RE COMING TO TOWN! WOOT!” 
 

IDEA 3 – The space between dates doesn’t mean we stop learning more about them as a person. Use an icebreaker that revealslike,  "I am inviting you to my desert island… you can only bring 3 items, what will you bring "

When we listen, retain what people say about themselves and ask them to know more, we create human connection.

Hot Tip #4
Zoom in on YOU

image credit; Unsplash

Yes, fierce YOU, gorgeous!

Try these on for size;

IDEA 1 – Use that in hand multimedia.  If you are indeed away on holiday, send them an image or video of the scenery or activities. Include a playful message, like “Oh snap, now THIS is where we should go on date 2!”
 
IDEA 2 – Did you see a video online that made you C R Y with laughter today?  Send it!  “This made my CRY with laughter, had to share.  Hope it brightens your day in the same way”.
 
IDEA 3 – Icebreak that shizzle!  "Here are three things about me, one of which is a lie.  Guess which is the lie?"  It's a classic, well curated,  icebreaker AND also a cheeky, fun way to prompt engagement AND they learn more about you!

Hot Tip #5
Next level "How are you today"

image credit; Giphy.com

Its not what you ask, its how you ask it.
 
IDEA 1 = “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being Clark Kent and 10 being Superman, how’s your day going?”
 
IDEA 2 – Maybe they’re off on a course which is why they couldn’t schedule date two, send  “Hey Mr. Smarty Cute Pants, how’s the course going?”

IDEA 3- Declare a GIF war... HOW YOU DOOOOIN'?

 
My darlings, my dears, take the above… tweak them, flesh them out, make then your own and kiss that uncomfortable go nowhere fast messaging of yesteryear, GOOD BYE!


(p.s. including appropriate yet moderate emoji usage, is always encouraged!)


Any questions?  The comment section is always open!  Looking forward to hearing from you. xx

Want in on all the laughs, wisdom and community over @ the 'Feminista Seeks Love' Facebook group?  Click on over and see us!

So... who's your bad ass wing WOMan?

“Empowered women, empower women”

 
It’s my personal battle cry, in life.
 
AND, the time worn advice, of having a wing woman, a trusted fab girlfriend to hit the town with, still works.

However, it can be really easy to get it wrong.  And a night out with the girls can become the very last environment to meet someone new, let alone with the potential to become that elusive love of our lives.

Here are a few tips to negotiating the Sex In The Cityesque coup,  of having the perfect wingwoman.
 
 
Wait a minute… How about we actually use those timeless fabulous ladies of Sex In The City to break this one down!?!   Oooooh, yes please!
 

Here they are, at the beloved train wreck beginnings of finding love in NYC!

Four women, living in one of the greatest cities of the world, (who of course, cause this is make believe TV land could afford great apartments and a killer shoe collection well beyond their means, but I digress) who navigated all the ups and downs possible in their searches for love.
 
What made them a killer team?  Each one was uniquely ‘killing it’ in their own right, career wise and personality wise.
 
From uninhibited Samantha, who seized every day (and every sexual encounter) like it was her last…
 
To Charlotte, the girl next door who never ever stopped believing in the fairytale.. 
 
To Miranda the smart, cynical realist kicking ass in her career and unwilling to settle in love.. 
 
To our beloved Carrie, who couldn’t make heads nor tales of dating but wasn’t afraid to admit it every week in her column.
 
These women, took on the meanest, leanest concrete jungle of love together, and won!
 
They also, never stopped being incredibly real with each other, which always makes for the best kind of friend to have.
 
But which one makes the best wing woman for you?


 

Miranda;

image credit; GIPHY

Witty, take no shit, Miranda. If you’re acting a fool, Miranda will tell you, loud and clear. We love AND need that. However, Miranda’s don’t always make the best wing women for a night on the town where finding love is the on the menu. Miranda came to spend some really precious time from her busy demanding career to be with her girls. She will not appreciate you spending half the night talking to that cutie who is whispering all the right ‘smash the patriarchy’ sweet things in your ear. Miranda doesn’t necessarily live her life by the ‘see what happens, go with the flow’ rules.  

Miranda’s CAN make a great wing Woman, however, she needs to know the deal up front, crystal clear. Don’t tell her it’s a girls night out to spend quality time… tell her, you need her to go with you to this networking ‘do’ where some like-minded potential partners hang out, cause you want to meet new people and are feeling a bit too nervous to go it alone. If she knows the score, she will be epic support. Bait and switch her with a ‘girls night out’, and she will NOT be having it, and her energy will rain all over your parade that night

Samantha;

image creit; GIPHY.com

Sexy, swing from the rafters, fun Samantha. She appears to be the perfect, high energy, ‘let’s do this’ wingWOman… however, Samantha brings her own special brand of crazy to a night out. Samantha’s have the charisma milkshake to bring all the people to the yard AND she is down for whatever, wherever, which is a huge plus in going out on the town. Samantha’s also can get lost in their own wants and needs, she is a bit of a magpie for all the shiny bits.

If you want a solid night of sisterly support, Samantha has the potential to bail on you in the first five minutes when something sparkly catch’s her eye.  She can interrupt a really great convo you might be having with someone, asking to head out to the next party.  Samantha’s can overtake the conversation with her own heady radiance and if she finds something or someone she likes POOF, she’s gone.

Samantha just needs a firm reminder of the ground rules too and to be carefully selected for the event, itself. She operates best in the wilder party atmosphere OR something more regimented but quirky that requires her special inhibition to boost your own, like tango classes!

Charlotte;

photo credit; GIPHY

Sweet, always there for us, glitter eyed Charlotte. Feeling like giving up on love? Been ghosted for the one thousand and eight time? Call Charlotte. She’ll lift you up to the sky with her never-ending positivity and belief in love. We all need a Charlotte in our life.

Need a partner in crime for a gallery opening? A business minded networking event? A yoga retreat? Out and about, and the negative gremlins are saying, ‘don’t even bother to go over there and talk to him’? Charlotte! Charlotte! Charlotte! 

Want to hit a dance all night party? A burlesque show? An alternative underground scene event? Um, nope. NOT Charlotte! She will spend most the night, dying to leave and bringing you down a bit with her. 

The best thing about Charlotte's, is they're always in wingWOMan mode, tripping the love fantastic!

Carrie;

credit; GIPHY.com

Funny, sassy, fashionista Carrie!  You need the real talk? Carrie’s got it, too! 

You need someone with a flexible enough personality (and wardrobe) to transcend the warehouse party or a trendy restaurant opening? Carrie! 

You want to try a personal development seminar, a co-ed bootcamp in the park or suited and booted business function? Carrie? Not so much.  

But here's the deal. Carrie, knows exactly what a jungle it is out there and Carrie knows exactly why this is so important to you. She’s the friend who reminds you most of you. She get’s you like no one else.  Also, Carrie is that friend that provides the relationship savvy to not just keeps the girl crew together but she actually has real experience in and out of relationships.  

Carrie has the track record of success and some pretty spectacular failures in love, which is GOLD DUST!

Having the self esteem to power out on a night solo is great however, HAVING FUN WHILST LOOKING FOR LOVE (oh yes, that's right... this is supposed to be FUN!)  may require some serious grrl powered back up!  Choose your wingWOMen wisely, lovelies! 

The sacred art of legging it out of a bad date [FIND LOVE]

If you are out there in the wilds of dating, and especially if you are ramping up the tempo of your online dating, mastering the art form that is getting out of a bad date, and doing it fast, is imperative.

There are more reasons for a date to go bad, then there are stars in the night sky. 

Your date…

-       Is rude to everyone that comes within a 1 mile radius of your table.

-       Is flirting with the waitress.

-       Won’t let you get a word in edgewise.

-       Is overpowering you with the aroma of body odor and whiskey.

-       Monotone story telling of the ins and out of their job as a paint peeler has you contemplating sticking a fork in your eye.

-       Shows up for a 2pm museum date still fall down drunk and in their clothes from the night before.

-       Doesn’t even remotely look like their profile pic (seriously, whose picture did they steal for that???)

-       Drops racial slurs like they just graduated the Third Reich SS boarding school

-    OR there is simply no spark whatsoever

First things first, you do NOT have to waste hours of your day being polite. 

You do NOT have to tough it out and you DO not have to volunteer yourself as a hostage. 

YOU. CAN. LEAVE!

I know. Crazy talk, right?

In my days of dating like a boss, learning how to nicely and firmly end a date before PTSD therapy was required, became a necessary survival skill.  AND, when done right, it’s the kindest mercy for everyone involved. 

NO ONE should have to waste their time on a bad date, including the hopeful yet, smelly, talkative, drunk ass person across from you, on it.

Here are the top 4 methods to legging it out of a bad date, fast! 

 

 

WONDER WOMAN TO THE RESCUE…
 

Most of us know the old reliable ‘get out of jail’ method.  You have a friend scheduled to call 20-30 minutes’ max into the date with a wild story about how they lost the keys to their house and you? YOU are the only person in the country who has the spare set AND must leave that very minute to meet your friend across town.  (

Generally speaking for safety reasons, its always a good thing to have a friend check in via text shortly into the date starting… in case your date is drinking a find Chianti over a plate of Fava beans!)

Photo; Henning Witzel/Unsplash

LIFE'S AN OPEN ROAD…
 

When setting up the date, why not suggest ‘let’s start’ with a coffee or a walk in the park, or drinks etc.. with the caveat that you can see where the night takes you? 

Most people like the spontaneity that this suggests but also they too know that this open-ended option allows breathing room to end the date for both of you. Suggest an activity that takes no more than 30-60 minutes, long enough for you to get to know them a bit, yet short enough to cut your losses and still join your friends after for some fun, If the date’s a non-starter.

SET THE CAT AMONGST THE PIGEONS...

Another way of setting the stage for possible escape, is to set the date amongst the pigeons. 

Let your date know, whilst you really want to meet up… you have a dinner that evening for a friend’s birthday, would they like to meet before for drinks around 7? Or, for that walk in the park at noon, you have career defining deadline at work on Monday and loads of prep to do, but an hour walking with them would be just the break you need . 

This method does a few things well. It shows you are keen to see them, to squeeze them in. It shows you have a life, priorities, friends, and ambition.

And if the date it going really well?  Set up for date number two right away! That cat will be just as keen to see you again, but this time for longer. 

The Saturday afternoon I met my now husband for 20-30 minute coffee… it was a ‘drive by’ as I headed uptown from a lunch date to an evening out with friends.  We were out again later that very same week for a proper dinner and aimlessly wandering of the Upper East Side finding excuses to keep talking, that lasted over 5 hours…

I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU…  

Empowerment is about finding our voice and living a life of integrity. 

Honesty is always the best policy HOWEVER honesty without compassion, is brutality.  The first time I tried this, I was shocked how well it went. It also was a huge booster to my self esteem.  Learning how to lay down boundaries will do that.  

I literally just waited till a break in the convo (which wasn’t hard, as the convo was painfully stilted!) and said “Hey, I don’t want to waste your time, you seem like a really nice guy, but I am just not feeling any real connection or spark here, wanna call it a night?”   The guy exhaled, laughed and agreed. He was being polite by staying!  

And yes, there was a bit of blubbering tears one time from another date when I suggested we tap each other out of this round. I stayed firm and kind but still got the hell out of there!

We are not going ANYONE any favors by staying past the expiration date!

I RIDE ALONE, BABY…

Finally. Never, EVER let them or you do the pick up service on date one. 

Make your own way to the first date is, so you can make your own way out of there at the time that suits you! If they have some elaborate romantic first date plan that involves driving out into the countryside, circle back to  ‘Life’s An Open Road’ and ‘Set the Cat Amongst the Pigeons’ right away lady! 

This last method is also a ‘safety first’ consideration.


 

What’s your tried and true method of legging it out of a bad date?  Give us all the dirt in the comments here!  

Oh shit. They’re cute & coming over here, RUN!!!!

“I can’t just walk up to people and start chatting them up, I get all flustered and tongue tied!”

         “I don’t know how to talk to people I fancy.”

                  “The moment I know they’re interested, I run in the other direction.”

                                "I don’t know what to say or where to even begin.”

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.   It’s one of the more common problems clients come to me for help.

Is it low confidence? Poor self-esteem? OR just old fashioned lack of charisma?

ALL THE ABOVE, DOLL.

 

Want TWO quick tools, you can start using today, that nails all three???

Who wouldn’t, right?

Charisma is how people are drawn to engage with others. It is not about being the loudest cheekiest person in the room. Charisma is not an arena only for the extroverted!  Introverts as well, can attract others to them, like bees to honey, too! 

 

Confidence is our outward bravery. It’s what we show the rest of the world.  Being brave enough to take up that bit more space in a room and to be unafraid to shine brighter.  It’s temporary, but don’t let that word freak you out, temporary is what confidence does best, it just means it has an expiration date.

 

Self Esteem, is our inward bravery.  What we know to be the truth about ourselves, our value, as measured by us and no one else.  It must come from within.  Ya’ know when your friends tell you how great you look, but you don’t believe that to be true, your self-esteem buckles and you give them an eye roll or even feel a sense of shame flush your cheeks in response to the compliments?  Yeah. Self-esteem must come from within. And the expiration date of our confidence is directly linked to our sense of self-worth.

 

Discover and immerse yourself into your passions and things you love. 

1.     Charisma: When we are immersed in our passions, hobbies, etc. we are filled with excitement and conviction AND when we talk about what makes us happy, it innately will people will feel good in response.  Everyone loves to be around people who make them feel good. It’s contagious! 

2.     Confidence: We don’t want to cultivate faux confidence or fool hearty bravery, we want to be standing tall in our space.  The more often we are talking about and doing things we genuinely love, our confidence to engage with others in conversation about it, or even invite them along for the ride, soars! 

3.     Self Esteem: We build self-worth by doing worthy things in this life. That is not limited to epic Malala Yousafzai world changing level things; every time we take action to make our lives more bountiful, more fulfilling, and offer contribution we add to our own inner bravery and self worth.  Not only do we feel confident enough to chat about what we are in to with others, we KNOW we have all the proof, actions, and lifestyle to back it up!

Feel excited when you meet someone.

1.     Charisma: Walk into every date, energized with a high level of excitement. EX. Take a few moments and call on a time you were super excited about.  Your first plane ride?  The day your niece was born?  That moment the call came in that you got the big job?   Step into that moment and channel that excitement… then when you greet them, let that excitement show.  If you are happy when you meet someone, they will also feel happy.  Who doesn’t want to engage with someone who is genuinely overflowing with excitement to be there AND meet them. 

2.     Confidence: What better way to boost our confidence then to recall the factual evidence of other successes and exciting times in our lives?  Confidence isn’t only shown verbally.  Our body language is the difference between walking into a room like we own it AND wall flowering sheepishly through the front door. Conjuring up this confidence by using a prompt from moments we felt joy, transforms our body language.

3.     Self Esteem: GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE!  That’s me, banging my gratitude drum. People who actively curate an attitude of gratitude feed their self-worth feasts o’ plenty.  Every example I gave above of ‘moments’ to remember, are also moments of gratitude.  Every time we utilize gratitude, we build self-esteem.

Take these bad boys on a test drive!  I always love to hear how you get on with applying these two tips into your life and taking the big step to connection!  

How do you spot the right ones? Core Values and LOVE...

image by Freddy Marshcall via Unsplash

“Begin with the end in mind”.    - Stephen Covey  

That Stephen, he’s a smart cookie.

I can’t say it enough.  Knowing exactly what you are looking for and why, creates a huge shift and mega results in your search for love.  Whether that be, from how you filter out the ones who aren’t right for you,  to manifesting and attracting the ones that are.

I spend a whole lot of time ‘Defining Your Search’ with clients, multiple sessions sometimes, and its the very first thing we discuss in our work together.

Being absolutely clear about what you want AND need in a relationship and a partner, is hugely empowering. 

We want to go from shooting arrows in every direction, wishing and hoping we hit SOMETHING... to shooting arrows in one specific direction, hoping to not just hit something, but SOMEONE, real and right, for us!

It's best, to start with defining a long list of traits we WANT in a partner.

Try to quiet the 'yeah buts' and the 'better keep it realistic' scarcity gremlins in your head.  It's okay to dream a bit here. Let yourself go, doll... promise you want plummet to disaster over a writing exercise!

THEN, we need to have a separate list of exactly what we NEED in a partner and relationship, to be happy and fulfilled, long term.  These are the MUST HAVE'S, the items we know we NEED to be happy and healthy long tern, usually they are also the items that have been deal breakers in the past.

In order to really sort that… we must be concrete about what our values are so this whole ‘happily ever after’ thang, stands a real chance!  

Values are a tricky thing. 

When I ask people what are their core values, we all love to reply with a long list of stunning beauties like honesty, open-mindedness, kindness... to name a few.

Here’s a bomb.  Our core values, aren’t always wearing a flowing silk dress with flawless red lipstick.  Sometimes core values, aren’t very pretty at all.

There are a lot of studies that show that Core Values are developed as early as ages 2-12 years old.  In our ‘download’ formative years. And what we download from our environment, our families, our early social & educational interactions, isn’t always beautiful.  

Core Values are our default drivers. 

They are not who we would like to be, how we are able to be once we have layered in reason, therapy, coaching etc.. they are what is the very first whisper in our ear when a situation arises.  Our worthy instincts AND our feared up gut reaction, in equal parts on some days.

I have worked with clients who have an overwhelming Core Value for financial security, with a point of origin of their family always struggling and moving from town to town for jobs as a child.

This Core Value of Financial Security drives their decision making.

Sometimes for good. Sometimes not. 

Economic Security Examples;

We save every dollar/pound we ever make, rarely unless under extreme pressure, opting to treat themselves to an expensive item or even a holiday.

We book the cheaper version of said holiday, because that core value is saying “you can’t spend that much!!” and then wind up on a dismal trip, eying the other holiday makers with envy and kicking ourselves for not upgrading.

In our relationships; We may have a partner who loves to spend money faster than they can make it.  In some ways, they push us out of our comfort zone to upgrade that trip (yay!) but mostly, we find ourselves constantly fighting over money and in a constant state of high anxiety. Both parties feel limited and pressured by the other, and resentment becomes a way of life and love.  No beuno!

For the most part, our Core Values, good or bad, cannot be changed easily.  Usually it takes a seismic event, like birth, death or total heartbreak to shift them immediately. 

Someone who’s drive for security has had them working at the same job they hate for years suddenly quits and moves to Thailand to be a yoga instructor after being in a near death car accident.

While, someone who Core Value of freedom has previously driven them to never settle down or commit, takes on a full time job in order to become the best father and partner overnight when they’re child is born.

Core Values are our real-time default drivers, that guide almost every decision we make in our lives.

Getting to terms with what your Core Values are, the handful of ‘MUST HAVES’ is crucial if you want to find a partner who will either share them or compliment them, so you can be happy healthy and free within that relationship for years to come.

Divorce and end of long term partnerships are rarely about love lost.  Its often that these two people CAN’T  LIVE TOGETHER ONE MORE MOMENT WITH BLOOD BEING SPILLED or perhaps less gory, they can’t live another moment feeling so stifled and such anxiety every day.  Oh ‘irreconcilable differences’ you nasty little gremlins.  There is a reason that 80% of these splits are over money, parenting and lifestyle. 

And its called CORE VALUES. 

With the couples I work with, more often than not, there core values are out of alignment AND they don’t even know it!

Once you know what truly drives your desires, thoughts, decisions and needs; you can accommodate them.  You can also choose partners who share your values AND even choose partners who offer some values you need, to shake it up.  

Here are a few quick tips to get you started down the very long road of understanding who are what you really are….

1 – Engage Compassion. 

This is a journey of self-discovery, lean into the widening space of who you truly are, without judgement, perfection, expectation or punishment. No one is perfect. This is not a journey of change, it’s one of understanding, self awareness  and compassion.

2 - Use technology to discover your Core Values

Believe it or not, psychometric tests like Meyer Briggs and DISC are amazing ways to access core values.  I always hated taking them, when applying for jobs, and the pressure of that particular environment often tweaks the results.  I mean come one, have any of us really, REALLY answered all those questions honestly when our next career move was on the line?   I utilize the DISC method with my own clients.

3 - Examine your historical data

Taking a hard look at what have been deal breakers in your past relationships, is also most useful. 

4- Seek professional expert help.  

Engaging with a coach or therapist who specializes in Core Value work, is the easiest, most epic way to get right down to the root of it, fast!

We’ve all heard it from people in long term relationships… the looks fade, the sex mellows; what keeps that little old couple holding hands?  Friendship, compatibility, and living in congruence with their core values.