empowerment

Why the heck am I talking about TRIANGLES this week?!?!

It’s a big week here at the LOVE LETTERS.  Sit back, strap yourself down tight and take a deep cleansing breath, cause do I have some life changing, heart healing, info for you!

We are not having a geometry lesson today and yet, the topic is about TWO TRIANGLES!  Two triangles that can radically transform ALL your relationships!

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Before I push on, let me pause here for a moment to let you know that there is SO much written on this topic; loads of articles & books, courses and workshops, hundreds of hours of video, AND I’m going to break this down, quickly and hopefully quite succinctly in the space of a blog (no pressure, right??) Please view this LOVE LETTER as a possible breakthrough moment, where, after your head explodes, you run off to learn more!



In 1968 Stephen Karpman came up with a pivotal therapeutic tool called The Karpman Drama Triangle. Where did Karpman’s inspirations come from?  Oh, you know all those fairy tales, with the Damsel in Distress, the Villain and the Knight on A White Horse?  The ones that set up so many of us for disaster when it comes to love? YUP.  Stephen Karpman saw right through that story line, for the dis-empowering, limiting shenanigans it really is, too!


In the Karpman Drama Triangle, the role of Damsel is called, THE VICTIM.

The role of the Villain?  THE PERSECUTOR

And that Knight, who swoops in to save the day?  THE RESCUER.

 

First thing you need to know… The drama triangle, is a trap. 

Whether you are assuming the role of victim, persecutor or rescuer… it creates a ping ball machine effect within the points of this triangle where hope, dreams and love stay stuck, wither and die.

Though many of us have a particular role we tend to play best or most often, WE PLAY ALL THREE AND OFTEN ASSIGN ALL THREE TO OTHERS. WHEN WE ARE TRAPPED IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. 

AND, NO MATTER WHERE WE START OUT, WE ALL END UP IN THE SAME FINAL ROLE.

 

 


Let’s talk about the points on the DRAMA TRIANGLE…

 

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THE VICTIM – The feelings associated to this role are powerless and hopeless.  We hear ourselves saying things like, “this always happens to me”, “dating sucks”, “my partner will never change”, “all the good ones are taken”, “There is nothing I can do to make this relationship work”, “modern dating is a shit show”, “Nothing I do matters” “There is no hope for someone like me”, “I’m never going to be in a healthy relationship”, etc...



THE RESCUER – The feelings associated with this role are condescending sympathy, control, and people pleasing.  The Rescuer takes on other people’s problems, often unsolicited and usually without taking very good care of their own problems and life first.  They step in to fix/sort it for the other person.  In fact, The Rescuer’s own self-worth is usually tangled up in others needs for them to the one who helps.   This can also be roles certain people may play in our lives, like friends who have little to no good relationship experience telling us what we should do to fix our own partnership.  One of the most common phrases of a The Rescuer is “If this person did what I said, it would be fixed”.



THE PERSECUTOR – Feelings of frustration, self-righteousness, and anger accompany The Persecutor.   The Persecutor points the fingers at others, places blame often, quite vehemently for their own unhappiness.  The persecutor can also be quite partial to viciously shaming themselves.  The Persecutor says things like   “They’re wrong and I’m right!” , “They will get what’s coming to them”,  “How could I be so stupid!”, “If my partner/boss/child/friend would just stop or start this one thing, then I would be happy!” and  “ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!”


Most people have a preferred ‘Starting Gate’.  A role from the above, that over a life time, has become their default. 


 

HOWEVER, IN THE END…

WE ALL END UP THE VICTIM. 
POWERLESS, HOPELESS AND STUCK IN THE TRIANGLE

 

 

How do we break free?

Hello there, EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC TRIANGLE!  We are so happy to see YOU!

 

 

The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) was designed by David Emerald.  There are quite a few iterations similar to this, that also work, however I find this one very concise.

In the Empowerment Triangle, the roles are replaced by the Creator, Coach, Challenger.

 

The Victim, becomes the creator. 

The Rescuer becomes the coach.

And the Persecutor becomes the challenger.


If we are in the persecutor role, instead of placing blame, we shift to THE CHALLENGER, and ask ourselves questions like, WHAT CAN I DO?   Instead of viewing others as a persecutor, we see them as a challenge to be overcome. We affirm youselves, with positive statements, I CAN DO THIS! 


We don’t engage with anger and frustration but work from a place of love and compassion… We don't belittle or shame our partners, pointing the finger.  We encourage them and ourselves to rise to the challenge!  We say to ourselves, If I do my part, they will do theirs. What can I do to make changes? How can find encouragement for myself and others?  How can I help my partner grow?



In the Empowerment Dynamic, THE COACH, doesn’t swoop in to sort it all out, but instead helps and supports that person to solve their problems, for themselves. We learn to ask ourselves and others powerful questions that bring clarity to the outcome, an clarity to the steps we need to take it make it happen. We seek out people who will not play the role of rescuer in our lives, but instead be our coach or teacher.  People who help us, help ourselves.

When we are a coach, we approach our lives with feelings of curiosity and empathy.  We ask ourselves... What can you do meet people who are more ideal for you?  Where do you think they are hanging out?  What can I learn from this rejection?  How would you feel if your partner said this to you?  Would it motivate you? Or make you feel worse about yourself?



And lastly, when we shift the other roles to that of the Challenger and The Coach.. the victim becomes THE CREATOR!   We now rises above, break free and create a life of love and happiness.
We become solution orientated.  We don't focus in on the problem, and get stuck, we take bold steps towards the outcomes we want in our lives.

We are no longer stuck.  No longer powerless.  No longer the mere victim to the whims of life on its own terms.  We are an active participant!


 

AND… drama, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness leave our relationships.

 

I hope this bite sized nugget of revolution, shakes you to your core.  I hope you run off screaming into the interwebs, and search on for more information about how to shift from Drama to Empowerment, and break that drama triangle to bits!  xx

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Your Guide To THRIVING This Valentines Day, SingleAF!

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My darling fierce single ladies, 

Oh my, here it comes.  Do you see it?  It’s Valentine’s Day… and it’s here to puke heart shaped everything, ALL OVER YOU AGAIN!  

 

And I know, that you know, that I know, that YOU KNOW... Valentine’s Day is an uber capitalist, made up holiday designed to monetize love and yet… YOU STILL FEEL IT!  Right there, like punch to your very single heart! 

 

It’s a jungle out there today in modern love and dating; swipe after soul crushing swipe is getting you know where closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your already amazing life with, or heck even go on a second date!

 

Just when you’ve bravely survived the holiday season and New Year’s.

Just when you start to grasp onto some of those ‘New Year, New You’ resolutions with some manner of tightness…

 

Lord, help us all, is that FEBRUARY 14 upon us, already?!?!

 

Babes, I got you.  As your personal feminist LOVE COACH allow me to offer up some incredibly tried and true options, that my clients absolutely love when the dreaded Valentines Day comes knocking in its pink sparkly onsie, that will keep all the angst and despair at bay!   I mean, hey now, at least there’s loads of chocolate on sale come Feb 15th HOWEVER, let’s find more than discounted chocolate covered yumminess as consolation prize, shall we?   Actually, F@CK THAT, Let’s not just survive V Day, LET’S THRIVE!

 

I have put together a neat little list of ideas for you to actually look forward to February 14th AND I’ve even combed through all the muck, mire and heart covered BS of events on offer in London, for some truly unforgettable SINGELTON Valentines Night out!   

Not in London?  Use this list as inspiration, as you let your fingers do the walking all over that blank google box, cause a lot of the ideas are not tied to location and events just like the ones I mention are happening in a city near you, too!

 

(p.s. I’ve also included a little of heart shaped Valentine Gift from moi’ to you, at the end of this article.  That’s right, I’m sending you all the love, in the form of some real time tools to help you find and attract the partner you really want, and deserve!)

 

Get your Wonder Woman boots out of the closet, dearest one… WE’RE ABOUT TO SUPER POWER OUR WAY THROUGH V DAY, SingleAF! 

 

 

V DAY THRIVE OPTION 1; 

Get all GALENTINES DAY on it's ass!

Photo credit; levi-guzman via Unsplash

Photo credit; levi-guzman via Unsplash

Get together with the current loves of your life, your other fab single GF’s, and celebrate each other!  Yup. There is more than just either being in a relationship OR avoiding Feb 14th like it’s a plague.  In fact, there is a whole diaspora of amazingness on the spectrum between those two traditional V Day options.

 

Here are some #squadgoals AKA Galentines Day ideas to inspire you;

 

  • MOVIE NIGHT;  Take in a movie on Feb 14th with your squad!

Winchester; Why yes,  I will indeed coven up with my ladies and join Dame Helen Mirren for a night of frightful movie going!  That’s right, no weepy rom-com, which frankly is part of the messaging that is killing modern love and dating anyways, and let’s go right to some good ol’ horror. 

50 Shades FREED -  I mean come on, it’s the ultimate chick flick anyways, so why not get your entourage up and out, and drooling a bit over Cristian Gray??

 

  • Host A Dating Horror Story Awards Night

Have a pot luck dinner party with ALL your single friends, girls, boys and beyond the binary, where each one has to tell TWO of their own dating horror stories.  The Winner with the most cringeworthy story gets a plastic bedazzled crown and hailed as the Ultimate Date Fail Queen/King!

  • Get em' up and out!

 Check out one of the many Anti-Valentine’s parties happening in your area. I’ve curated my top picks happening in London, just for you!

 

  1. The empowered women of BUMBLE is hosting an Anti- Valentines event @ one of my fav spots for a bit of fun, BOUNCE! Get your ping pong skills set to ninja!  MORE DETAILS ON THIS EVENT HERE
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2. Celebrate Galentines Day by letting your real soul sister, QUEEN BEY, be your guide for some late night single shenanigans!  The Yonce 'Valentines Day' Experiecne @ XOYO on Wed 1r4th of Februart will be playing Beyonce tunes from 10pm -3am, NON STOP! All my singles ladies, UNITE

DETAILS ON EVENT HERE

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Or push yourself way outside your postal code… Did somebody say ROAD TRIP??

Hit up skyscanner or whatever your preferred flight app is and play a game of Flight Yahtzee!  Select up to £40 for return flight, and spin the wheel of chance. Then randomly choose a city break based solely on the flights in that price range.  Rock up as a truly empowered INDEPENDENT LADY solo or grab a bestie and wander a new city together.

 

V DAY THRIVE OPTION 2;

THE REAL QUESTION...

Can you FIND LOVE on Valentines Day?!?!

photo credit; Mayur Gala via Unsplash

photo credit; Mayur Gala via Unsplash

If you’re game to find out… Here are some really interesting singles events happening on Valentines Day, for the SingleAF out there in the wilds of modern love & dating!

1. FUCK TINDER

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A speed dating comedy show! 

After two completely sold out runs in Australia, as well as sold out shows in Singapore & Edinburgh, f**k Tinder is returning to London.Designed to get single people together to have a good night out, chat to interesting people and do a lot of laughing.  FYI Tickets go fast to these events, cause they’re just that good!   MORE DETAILS FOR EVENT HERE

 

2. BAES R US

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The folks over at BAES R US, have Vday Speed dating nights spanning the Valentine Day period for whatever your sexual preference.  Baes R Us is a fun and fast alternative to the tyranny of Tinder nightmares offering a modern twist on romance. Meet like-minded young creatives offline in a relaxed & cozy setting; the smoothest selections of music all evening, let loose ice-breakers + free cocktail on entry.  (14/02 is Gay, 15/02 is Lesbian, 16/02 is Str8 night)  MORE EVENT DETAILS HERE

 

3. GET AN EXPERT IN! 

Join ME for a FREE Online Masterclass on Sunday the 18th of February @ 8pm UK (3pm EST / 12 noon PST) as I dish out some of my absolute top tips to starting BOSSING Online Dating!  I will show you how to stop the confidence killing swipefest that is online dating in its tracks and start getting out on real dates with the right people for you, FAST!  I

LEARN MORE AND CLAIM YOUR SPOT HERE

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My darlings, it’s time, to push way past your old mode of coping, by simply trudging through Valentines Day like February 14th is just another day, and you are all out of f@cks to give

 

If we want something different, we are going to have to do something different, to get there! 

Spread your strong, independent woman wings, and FLY! 

 

(*Please note; I am NOT, in any way, associated with the above events or event curators, nor financially benefited by your attendance in any way.  Just being your opinionated, benevolently pushy (ahem, American) LOVE COACH, filtering though all that’s out there to present you with some of the best options on offer)

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Curating Confidence In Dating, LIKE A BOSS.

You present such fierce confidence at work, with friends, your take charge wonder woman attitude smashes most everyday challenges with such ease and yet… when it comes to the world of love and dating, that inner rock star has gone MIA.

And, I know it’s been savage out there in the dating world lately.  You’ve gone on a zillion 1st dates or maybe haven’t even made it past the online dating message phase to get out on a date.  And with each miss, your confidence plummets a few steps further down a black hole.

I hear it all day long, ‘confidence’ is the top item on almost every woman’s TO DO list, when it comes to finding and attracting love.

Confidence is our outer bravery.  It’s how we translate the way we feel about ourselves on the inside to those around us, how we show our self-worth on our sleeve.  Unlike self-worth, we can put on confidence like an off the rack dress, fairly easy, TEMPORARILY.  And temporary is okay.  Temporary is what confidence does best.  It just means confidence has an expiration date.  That expiration date, is triggered by our real time self-esteem. 

The more self esteem (or self worth) we have on the inside, the brighter and longer our confidence shines on the outside. Think of self worth as the fuel we add to the fire we burn whenever we meet someone new.  Building up higher self worth, is absolutely possible, and a HUGE part of the work I do with my private clients, but it takes time, practice and some hard graft.  Today, we are going to zoom in and focus on CONFIDENCE.

We can indeed turn up the volume on our confidence, at will, even before we deep dive into up leveling our self esteem.

The following is a very short, and very sweet TWO STEP technique that you can start using today, in the very moments you pick up your phone to swipe away AND when you head out to that first date.

The Confidence Mantra

 

STEP ONE:  THE END GAME

Take a few minutes here to think about what is the best-case scenario of this interaction, whether that be in person on a date, heading out to a group outing or event where you could meet someone OR simply clicking on your online dating app. 

*WARNING*  The correct answer to this is NOT “Meet the love of my life/future partner/the one/soulmate!!!   Ease off that pressure valve, dearest one!  

When I say best case scenario for this date/message/event, what I mean is HOW CAN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES or even THE NEXT FEW HOURS go really REALLY well?   What would be a fantastic first date?  What would it sound like? Look like? Smell like?

Maybe, that ideal first date for you, would look like…

We have a good time, laugh hard, eat some amazing food and the conversation flows nice and easy. There is a spark and the date ends with us both thinking and saying, we want to see each other again. 

 

Notice, it was not focused on what the other person was going to be, but instead on the time you were going to create with each other?  Focus on what #winning would like for this one interaction.

Also, there was no ‘love at first sight’ crazy talk.  We need to keep it real AND yet still positive & gorgeous. 

We do not want to walk in with super low expectations either like…

I hope he/she has a pulse. I hope I don’t want to stick them in the eye with my fork halfway through our meal…

Yup, I’ve been on those dates too, lady!

 

So now, let's phrase up this first step…

“We are going to laugh hard, have some yummy food, flowing convo and at the end, both of us can’t wait to see each other again!”
all photo via unpslash

all photo via unpslash

STEP TWO; Show up in your Sunday best.

We want to show up, positively shining!  Whether that be on a date, via a message sent online or at a local meetup. We have so much to offer that special someone, so very much to contribute to a real loving relationship.   Tell me what you’re working with mama!

I want you to take a few minutes here to think of THREE things YOU are bringing to the table on this interaction. 

It can be ANYTHING…  your special brand of witty humor, your Star Wars nerd extraordinaire status, your incredibly kind listening skills, Open heart, Great laugh,  Fierce intellect,  Adulting like a boss, Thirst for adventure, Sharp political wit, your business saavy #bossgirl heat, and yes, even those damn fine legs you worked hard to get!  

ANY THREE THINGS YOU KNOW you have to offer.

Once you have them, let’s construct the second part of that confidence mantra so it sounds something like this…

“I am going to let THING 1, THING 2 and THING 3 shine bright tonight!  I will let them lead me like a beacon into a FAB night/date/message/event,  with this person! "

 

Now… tweak that shit.  Make it your own.  Your own words, your own tone.

OWN. IT.

Then… ready?

RECORD IT.

Either type it up as a note in your phone or a personal voice memo, that so you can play back whenever you need it, cause mantras are all in the repeat!  And we shall need to, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT as often as it takes to call up the light forces of our confidence!

 

My private clients LOVE this one, so brave up my lovely, try this technique out and let me know how you get on!   Not only will you feel better about you, confidence is a killer at attracting others to us, like bees!   Get buzzing!

And remember the wise words of Marianne Williamson as you two step your way through creating and using this mantra, my dear!   xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Resilience In Dating 101

If you have spent any time out in the wilds of dating, you already know that rejection can be a very large part of finding and attracting love.

Then again, life is full of rejection is it not?

Rejection from jobs.

Rejections from universities.

Rejections from publishers.

Rejections from credit card companies.

Rejections from bosses for promotions.

Hell, even our own bank account can offer a big old DECLINED when we were just about to brave it up for that pair of leather pants, we never thought we could rock, until just now!

 

Brene Brown, whom I love to bits, states in the TedTalk, that when other people dare greatly to be seen, get rejected, fail and get back up… we call it courage. In fact, Ted Talks is like the failure club. Almost every person who gets on that stage tells us their own stories of rejection and failure. 

So why are we so filled with SHAME instead of COURAGE when it comes to rejection in our dating life?

Why are we so focused on those who would not and could not SEE US and LOVE US, that we often give up, take breaks and find it soul destroying in the arena of love?

Building up some serious resilience to rejection is crucial if we are to triumph!

I have some of my tops tips (and some of my own personal memes for you to keep close) to help build up your resilience to rejection, so when that date foes badly, when they never call, or ghost you mid message.. my darling, you can rise strong each and every time!

 

Rejection is a blessing, in disguise;

Be philosophical about it – now you are free  to find someone who adores you, admires your loveliness and brings out the best in you.  This is not YOUR loss. You are still offering an incredible gift, YOU.  Beautiful, caring, smart, sassy, funny, incredible YOU. Grab on to the gratitude that your gift was not wasted on someone who could not or would not appreciate it! 

Hit that NEXXXT button, babes!

 

 

Thanks for rejecting me;

Consider all the reasons they were wrong for you. This helps to move on emotionally.

Write a list if it helps.

Even if that list is simply; IF they can’t have the human decency or honesty to communicate they’re not interested, (AKA ghosting!) then they’re NOT someone you want to be in a relationship with, anyways!

 

Sometimes we have to spend a whole lot of time, energy and thought filtering out the wrong ones.. Thankfully, they often do it for us!!  YASSS!

 

 

LIVE AND LEARN;

Sometimes we receive constructive criticism and advice which can be used to improve upon ourselves. It doesn’t mean we’re defective but it’s always a good practice to live and learn

If you have an amicable relationship with the person who rejected you, ask them why!  I strongly advise either this be a person you were friends with before the dating OR someone who offered the rejection in an adult and kind manner. 

This one requires some bravery, I know you got!

 

It’s too easy, to let life smack us around a bit.

That is, until we realize, this is OUR LIFE.  And though it has many things in it that we cannot control, we always have full power over what happens next.

How we respond.  To the situation, the person, place or thing… even how we respond to our feelings, is within our power.

We can love it back or hate every minute of it. We can focus on all things we have not, or on what we do have.  What we have to lose OR what we have to gain.

We can live in the solution. Or stay surrendered to the suffering.

Every minute, of every day. The choice is ours.

Today. In this minute. I CHOOSE LOVE. I CHOOSE RISING STRONG. I CHOOSE BEING SEEN AND HEARD!

 

What will you choose?

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