Oh the dating life... I remember it all too well.
I started off in life, as a serial monogamist, or as I like to call it ‘second date relationship girl’. I jumped in and out of long-term relationships, in part because I had no idea I was supposed to be actually carefully considering partnership choices i.e. I like you, you like me, (what little we actually know about each other) and that was enough to make it official… however, mostly, I was ‘second date relationship girl’, because I was terrified of being alone.
When I was 25, I had a 2.5 year live in relationship come to a spectacularly painful end, just as I was moving to NYC. I spent the next 2 years mostly alone, without a date in sight, and then I started to do something I had never done before… D A T E. And, by D A T E, I mean actually go out with multiple people, on multiple dates, trying to figure out if they were right for me, BEFORE getting into a relationship, and subsequently waking up 6+ months later, looking over in bed, and thinking ‘who are you?!?’
However, I was missing one crucial trick in the dating process. I had no idea what ‘right for me’ even meant, not really.
So, I spent 6 years, on the neck breaking careening roller coaster of dating, holding on for dear life.
I made load of mistakes. Dated some real cray cray people. I broke a few hearts. Got mine torn to shreds more than a few times, and somewhere around rock bottom, I was standing on the corner of 14th street and 5th Ave, crying into my best friends arms, after a from day one red flagged filled affair, I should have been way smarter then to get into, that left me broken.
I was stumped.
How could I be in my early 30’s and apparently be no real wiser in love? How could I, this smart, savvy, independent boss of a gal, who had an amazing career, great friends, kick ass hobbies and interests, living in the greatest city in the world, be so hopelessly single?!?!
Finally, I surrendered and sought some professional help.
On that journey, not only did I get...
Some real clarity on what ‘right for me’ meant
I was able to resolve some historical trauma and shame around love.
I was able to leave my parents role modeled relationship to them, and not allow it to effect how I moved about the arena of love.
I was able to become secure from within, in my ability to attract and choose a good one.
AND free myself of some old ideas and behaviors that NEVER truly served me.
It was NOT an overnight cure. It was not without great effort, time and even some cold hard investment of cash. And it was one of the single greatest leaps, and investments in me, I have ever taken in my life.
About a year later, I met Mark, who you have heard me more often refer to as The Hubba Hubba, my hunka hunka burnin’ love. He didn’t look, talk, or act like anyone I had ever dated. He challenged me on so many levels, in the best of ways. Three years later, we were married. My continued work on myself, and relationships allowed me to not only pick a really REALLY good one, it stopped me from sabotaging it, with unrealistic expectations, and my old behaviors. Our relationship is NOT perfect, but hot damn, I look over at him now, ten years on, and I am more in love with him today, then I was in the beginning.