This is where we come home, high on all we have learned, ready to take on the world and completely transform and heal our relationships. Buzzing through the front door, grabbing our partners in a firm grip, and dumping ALLLLLLLL the things we learned AND ALLLLLLL the things that need to change, and emphatically stating what THEY NEED TO DO, RIGHT NOW!!!!
Second biggest pitfall… LITTLE TO NO FOLLOW UP.
Oh the dating life... I remember it all too well.
I started off in life, as a serial monogamist, or as I like to call it ‘second date relationship girl’. I jumped in and out of long-term relationships, in part because I had no idea I was supposed to be actually carefully considering partnership choices i.e. I like you, you like me, (what little we actually know about each other) and that was enough to make it official… however, mostly, I was ‘second date relationship girl’, because I was terrified of being alone.
When I was 25, I had a 2.5 year live in relationship come to a spectacularly painful end, just as I was moving to NYC. I spent the next 2 years mostly alone, without a date in sight, and then I started to do something I had never done before… D A T E. And, by D A T E, I mean actually go out with multiple people, on multiple dates, trying to figure out if they were right for me, BEFORE getting into a relationship, and subsequently waking up 6+ months later, looking over in bed, and thinking ‘who are you?!?’
However, I was missing one crucial trick in the dating process. I had no idea what ‘right for me’ even meant, not really.
So, I spent 6 years, on the neck breaking careening roller coaster of dating, holding on for dear life.
I made load of mistakes. Dated some real cray cray people. I broke a few hearts. Got mine torn to shreds more than a few times, and somewhere around rock bottom, I was standing on the corner of 14th street and 5th Ave, crying into my best friends arms, after a from day one red flagged filled affair, I should have been way smarter then to get into, that left me broken.
I was stumped.
How could I be in my early 30’s and apparently be no real wiser in love? How could I, this smart, savvy, independent boss of a gal, who had an amazing career, great friends, kick ass hobbies and interests, living in the greatest city in the world, be so hopelessly single?!?!
Finally, I surrendered and sought some professional help.
On that journey, not only did I get...
Some real clarity on what ‘right for me’ meant
I was able to resolve some historical trauma and shame around love.
I was able to leave my parents role modeled relationship to them, and not allow it to effect how I moved about the arena of love.
I was able to become secure from within, in my ability to attract and choose a good one.
AND free myself of some old ideas and behaviors that NEVER truly served me.
It was NOT an overnight cure. It was not without great effort, time and even some cold hard investment of cash. And it was one of the single greatest leaps, and investments in me, I have ever taken in my life.
About a year later, I met Mark, who you have heard me more often refer to as The Hubba Hubba, my hunka hunka burnin’ love. He didn’t look, talk, or act like anyone I had ever dated. He challenged me on so many levels, in the best of ways. Three years later, we were married. My continued work on myself, and relationships allowed me to not only pick a really REALLY good one, it stopped me from sabotaging it, with unrealistic expectations, and my old behaviors. Our relationship is NOT perfect, but hot damn, I look over at him now, ten years on, and I am more in love with him today, then I was in the beginning.
Who would have thought it possible?
Well, not me, for large part of my life. Sure, I hoped for it, I dreamed of it, but deep down I didn’t believe it was possible for me.
If you are reading this, and know exactly what I mean… I see you. I’ve been you. And I know the way forward, my dear!
Have you booked in your FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call with me yet? Whatcha’ waiting for? If nothing changes, nothing changes, dearest one.
Some days you just have to go it alone, in your relationship
This is me, out and about in Amsterdam, all by myself, on a recent trip my husband and I took to see his family in the Netherlands.
See, I don’t know about you, but I have a peopling limit. Like, I’m talking getting to a place where I am peopled theAF out. (I also like to make up words, like peopling and peopled. Just go with it).
People often assume I am quite extroverted, as I can be the life of the party, and have had careers where networking, working closely with people and developing meaningful relationships is something I do excel at… but here is the real deal. I am actually quite introverted and require a hefty amount of alone time to feel at my best.
Whilst on our dutch adventure earlier this month, after 3 days of family visits, and wandering around with my partner day and night, I was D O N E. It was high time… for some solo time, and I am not afraid to ask for what I need.
I sent the Hubba Hubba off for a day with his mom, and I played tourist all day, roaming the city, having a fab sushi lunch and letting my playlist guide me. It was magnificent! And so very necessary.
See, even with the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I cannot do more than 3 days of 24/7 together time. It doesn’t mean I love him less, or he isn’t the right match. It just means I require some inter-dependency in a relationship. Some alone time, with my head phones on, and only myself to cater to or depend on from time to time.
Being in love, marriage, partnership doesn’t require we are attached at the hip at all times. In fact, most folks in long term relationships that report in being happiest, always call out separate hobbies and interests, as well as shared ones. These people prioritize SELF care and SELF love. They value the time they spend with themselves, as much as the time they spend together.
If you can’t enjoy your own company, and take yourself out on a great date from time to time, then you will always be looking to other to make you feel… loved, happy, content, and desired. Whilst people can add to our vault of love, happiness and care… they should never be the sole provider.
What have you done, just for you, today?
Are you nurturing your own hobbies and interests?
Do you value your alone time?
Trust me, my dear, your relationship will thank you for it!
Looking forward to your comments on this weeks LOVE LETTER! xx
I was tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.
“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.
Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”
I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.
Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.
Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.
Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.
Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, and just coming off online dating all together.
Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to keep a safe distance.
Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.
Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other toing the party line of adulting , ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.
Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???
The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. See, we human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.
We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.
And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.
Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.
It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward. Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.
We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle.
Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!
This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life. Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved!
I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call!
If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life.
BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE
For every one partnership in crisis, there are, at least, three relationships that need to be healed, within it.
It’s not unusual for me to have a clients who come on as a couple, who require a few sessions each, to themselves. Often, they don’t realise that when we have our initial consultation. However, I find it really helpful to actually separate them, before we can work together towards the healing of their relationship. Why?
There is a long list of reasons couples find themselves in crisis. Some of these we need to confront, challenge and heal as a team, whilst others can only be done by the individuals themselves. Before we can heal the relationship between them, we need to heal the relationship they have with themselves.
Only a strong, healthy individual can participate in building and sustaining a healthy partnership.
When we, as individuals, lose our identity and self-esteem, to marriage and family, to our jobs and roles as providers, to being carers, bouts of depression, and to the many life changes that can consume us… like losing family members, building a business, children leaving the home for university, changing careers, retirement… we have to focus first on our relationship with ourselves, before we can truly address the issues within our partnership.
It is my job, as a coach, to help re-awaken not just the love you have for each other but the love for you have for yourself, too.
Many of clients, not only are lacking in the self love department, their basic self-care has disappeared into the hustle bustle of life. We cannot offer water to others, when our vessel is empty.
In order to really dig into self-love and self care, we must first get down to the worthy work of identifying your core values and the action it takes to live in alignment so we are thriving as person, not just as a couple.
When we are living a life, aligned with our values, we are at our most happy, content and fulfilled… and we easily open up to new possibilities and to the power of healing.
Are you living and loving your best life as an individual?
If not, living and loving your best life as a couple, will never happen. #truestory
Before I run back off to fighting that good fight for love with my private clients... I want to send a special message to my beloved LGBTQ tribe of followers.
LOVE IS LOVE - HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!
Each couple I coach has their own bespoke set of challenges, however there are a handful of issues, that seem to be consistent in each partnership, tearing away at the fabric of their love, trust and intimacy.
Loss of passion, not limited to, however also including a dying sex life.
Poor conflict resolution leading to circular, go no where fast, conversations and arguments.
Affairs, emotional and/or physical where one or both have gone outside the relationship seeking their needs to be met.
Problems with in-laws and extended family, where boundaries and respect are not being cherished.
Loss of love, where one or both partners no longer feels cared for in a way they need to thrive.
This is why my coaching programs always offer instruction, tools and skill learning opportunities for each individual, within the partnership, to become better at leaping these common relationship hurdles.
We always start at the very root; COMMUNICATION!
Wowza, communication is such a big topic and everyone is failing at this, we just can’t figure out how to make ourselves heard and our partners understand.
This week, I want to offer up a significant first step on the road of communication, where so many of you may be falling at the very first hurdle.
One of the worst things we can do, and the very first most of us do.. is projection of self onto our relationship. Your partner is not a version of you. This means that what and they think, their needs and how they translate the world around them. is not the way that you will.
We can get trapped in the resentment fueled circular thought process of how WE would never do such a thing, say such a thing or react in such a way! We interpret their actions and words, through our own lens… i.e. ‘If I didn’t take out the rubbish when asked, it would be because I don’t have any respect for them, and don’t care how busy they are!’
Just because, that would be our motivation and inferred message in this action DOES NOT mean, that is how everyone else thinks, let alone your partner.
In fact, my experience as a relationship coach AND within my own marriage, has shown that it’s almost NEVER that simple.
Men and women have very different communication styles because their foundational needs that are driving the communication are totally different. Beyond that hetero normative angle (um, NO men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus) how we are raised, the role modeled behavior we saw growing up and our own personality traits directly impact how we communicate and resolve conflict. Newsflash, my same sex couples do NOT speak the same language simple because they are the same sex. If only, it was that easy!
Our communication boils down to our CORE NEEDS and If you are in the dark about these core needs, then here is your first problem and why you are struggling.
Your partner keeps saying, “You never say, I love you!".
What do they really mean?
If you know that, you DO indeed say ‘I love you’, even occasionally, you will reject the whole statement at the “never” part sentence. However, this unreasonable word, ‘NEVER’, is the first indicator that it’s not about the ‘I love you’ but something deeper and perhaps even completely different then the what the words above suggest.
For men, and for many partners regardless of gender, this makes no sense. AND, we have no idea how to solve it, so communication quickly becomes shut down.
Sadly, growing up we are not informed that being married for life needs life & relationship skills and new understandings.
Most couples are totally unaware of what they don’t know but need to if they are going to happily ever after this whole love thing.
How do we go from surviving, to thriving in our marriage and partnerships?!?
Please note: It’s not just you! We ALL missed the Relationships 101 class at school, because it simply doesn’t exist, and many of us #notallofus, didn’t have very great teachers at home either.
I’m often the second to last call people make, right before the divorce lawyer or moving truck. Crisis brings them to my door, and helping them breakthrough (their immediate problem) is a small part of what they really need. The biggest part is helping learn the skills to live a purposeful exciting life, as a team. It’s why I work with couples, and individuals in relationships, up to 6 months, personally guiding them through work around communication, love language, core values, mindset transformation, self love, intimacy, forgiveness and so much more.
You could say, I have created that elusive Relationships 101 class, we all missed.
And starting today...
CLASS IS NOW IN SESSION!
I have cleared some slots over the next couple of weeks for YOU to book a FREE Breakthrough To Love call, where we can spend 45 minutes together to sort a way forward in your relationship.
(Yup, an appointment with me, FOR FREE!)
On this call, I will help you get clarity on where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love and your partnership.
IF, and only if, we both think it’s a good fit, AT THE END OF THE CALL, I may invite you to become one of my new clients and tell you about the coaching programs I can offer, that will provide you with the solutions YOU NEED, in order to save your relationship AND become more healthy and happy within your partnership.
SCHEDULE YOUR FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE CALL APPOINTMENT HERE
Looking forward to speaking to you soon, my darling!
How the beauty, fashion and advertising industries are messaging the false Ideal Beauty Standard and wreaking havoc on our self worth.