REAL TALK ABOUT GHOSTING IN MODERN LOVE AND DATING FOR THE EMPOWERED WOMAN
and YOU can too!
Let's hit the rewind button for a moment...
NYC, 2008; I found myself sitting on my Upper East Side front stoop, in tears, feeling so very left behind, and wondering what the point of it all was.
I had just got off a call, where I was informed of my exclusion from our annual friends ski trip, because it was now a 'couples thing'. OOOOOF! Right in the stomach!
My friends, all recently into new relationships, thought they were saving me from an awkward week of being the 7th wheel. All I felt was this absolute confirmation, that I was less than whole for being single AND that I was now firmly running way behind the pack. That they were somehow moving on, and I felt so very stuck. It hurt, and triggered something right to my core.
There I was, strong woman, super successful in my career, a great social life by most standards, living in one of the greatest cities in the world, and feeling so alone and lost. testTHATlower2, I was str8 losing the plot, on my East 87th street building stairs!
I was so far away from my hearts desire, of love and partnership, I might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy.
WHY COULDN'T I SEEM TO SORT THIS AREA OUT?
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
WAS I BROKEN?!?
Hitting rock bottom in dating, saved my love life.
Surrender, saved my sanity.
And a coach, turned my life, right side round.
Waving a white flag and finally asking for help in the arena of love, literally saved my sanity. It empowered me to a level of wonder womaness that I didn't know was possible, and didn't really know was missing!
My self esteem, SOARED! My Confidence BLOSSOMED! And my tolerance for BS in every area of my life, dropped as I learned how to boundary like a boss, and really have my voice heard!
Oh, It also netted me the most extraordinary partnership with a truly wonderful human being, who is so very worthy and able of building a life beyond my wildest dreams with!
Darlin' It ran so much deeper than just getting on on dates.
So much deeper than all the 'drive them crazy for you' tomfoolery I was reading about online.
And it was so not about learning the secret location to the bat cave where all the good men were hiding!
It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty on some days. But that worthy work, was one of the best decisions and investments in me, I've ever made.
I AM NOT ALONE!
My clients experience this same love life revolution and
deeply personal transformation!
So much so, they wanted to share their experience, with other women, like YOU!
Here is a quick peek at Katie's story;
And the lovely superstar, Ruth!
I am filled with such incredible gratitude when I receive these powerful testimonials from my clients. My heart just swells up against my rib cage with joy! That I have been able to help them facilitate tangible change in their love lives, AND short circuited the process that took me years AND years of blood, sweat and a whole lotta tears to figure out, simply because I was so convinced, I had to figure this out all on my own! I look back now, and I realize how crazy pants that was... and how I wouldn't and didn't hesitate to ask for help AND invest time, money and energy in my career, education, social life, heck even my travels... to get the results I wanted!
I hate to get all bragalicious over here, however one of my superpowers?? I have the actual mileage of working with incredible women and getting them results they never knew possible.
The proof is indeed in the pudding ya'll!
Can we real talk for a moment here?
There are a lot of folks out there who use the term 'expert' and claim they will help you attract the love of your life in 6 days (?!?!)... I'm not one to mince words, so let me boldly call BULLSH%T! on all that snake oil shizzle!
Transforming how we seek, attract, give and receive love is truly epic and worthy work, that takes time and a whole lotta heart!
Both of which I have no doubt, you have in spades, dearest one!
Before I leave you today, I want to let you know, my Spring 2018 Private 1-2-1 Coaching Programs are almost filled to the brim, with just 3 spaces remaining! If you are serious about revolutionizing your love life, stopping the endless going no where messaging of online dating and start getting out on to real 3d dates, with real 3d people in the real 3d world, the simple truth is, I CAN HELP!
2018 is cruising at top speed, and if you're not getting anywhere closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your life with, let's get on the phone and have a chat! FOR FREE!
I am offering up a my signature FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call today, so you and I can get right down to it, and start sorting it!
Let's go on a first date, lady! BOOK YOUR CALL!
And I, the relationship expert, didn’t even truly know THEN, just what an epic piece of the relationship puzzle this truly was, till THIS PAST YEAR!
Not me, not my partner…Neither of us had any real idea what an integral starring role this plays our very successful partnership. And now that we do know, we can’t stop seeing WHY this is such a big deal.
Just last week, as my husband and I were wandering around the streets of Paris, on a quick city break…we found ourselves having this convo again about this integral element of our relationship bliss, that we had absolutely no idea during the dating and early relationship phase, was such going to prove to be such a BIGGIE secret weapon in our marital happiness!
This particular deep BIG OL’ core value issue comes up for many of my coaching clients, and it is, hands down, the hardest one to align and move towards reconciliation around…
What is possibly the most super crazy???
NOBODY, NOT THE EXPERTS, NOT OTHER HAPPY COUPLES, NOT ALL THE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE MALARKEY ONLINE… NOBODY IS TALKING ENOUGH ABOUT THIS ELEMENT!!
Check it out. I know that my husband isn’t a unicorn. He’s not some mythological beast and I just happened to stumble across. I know our marriage is not just magically easy. It takes active work on self-awareness, compassion and communication to make ANY partnership thrive. And our relationship, is no different. HOWEVER, we did get off on the best possible start, in one area, by luck really!
Okay, let me back track for a minute here…
Before I met Mark, I had invested in love coaching, because my dating and love life was a #hotmessexpress. In fact, love was my ultimate Achilles heel, for years. No matter how much improvement I saw in every other area of my life, my romantic relationships lagged behind my usual badassery,. My love life truly resembled a rescue puppy dog headed back to the shelter.
One of the MANY results of that coaching work, was that I was way more intentional about WHO I was choosing and WHY.
I had a relatively firm grasp on my CORE VALUES and had TAKEN OUT just enough of the ‘love will conquer all’ aesthetic, that was so not serving me, so I could make healthy relationship choices that were both practical and loving, towards myself and others.
I had learned that CONNECTION was the fuel for LOVE. I also learned, that living with someone day in and day out, was the real nitty gritty of what can make or break a partnership. That lasting CONNECTION was about ALIGNMENT.
GUESS WHAT? Even with ALL that knowledge, there was one thing that truly was luck. Or at the very least, I had no idea would prove to one of the most important reasons my marriage works so well.
A day to day, core value issue, we both had no idea was so important, and that I give thanks for every day, that we got right, without even knowing how right we needed to get it, before we said, I DO.
Of all the things we identified during our chats, like our high level of mutual respect, the goodwill we have for one another, and the mega trust we had built… the ONE THING that really had one of the greatest impacts on why we are able to co-habitate and build a life with one another, was the least hippy dippy, wooo wooo of all???
HELLLLLO, MONEY MINDSET!!
ICK, Money? Where is the rom-com, period drama like love in that??
Here’s the deal. My husband and I have very similar outlook on money. It’s value, how to spend it, when to save it, where is the best place to put it, and what having it and not having it, means to us. Our money mindset is not identical. Emotionally I see money as independence and power, power to live a particular lifestyle and power to help others. The hubba hubba, he emotionally ties money to security and stability. The means to those different emotional ends, is where we are so very aligned.
We rarely disagree on the monetary value of things. We both had almost the exact number in mind when it came to putting on that quite expensive party of a wedding and no one is off sneaking around buying things and smuggling them into the house. When I see a parade of Amazon purchases showing up on our doorstep, I don’t go running to check the bank balance. I KNOW it's not in his nature to spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need and I too do not spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need! (For the record, I did NEED all those French moisturizers I bought in Paris!)
Our intellectual and emotional response to what money should be spent and what should be saved, are in alignment.
Before we got married, we moved in together; Without too much discussion, we opened a joint checking account. We both still had our separate checking, savings investment accounts. When we got married, we consolidated ALL our money, aside from some retirement investments, without much deliberation or concern whatsoever. We could only do that so easily, confidently (and freely) because we shared the same money mindset, and on that foundation, trust around money was easier to cultivate.
All of our individual purchases came from the very same account. Full stop. At the time, I made well over twice as much money as he did, and never for a second was I worried he would go off ‘spending all MY money’. We split most things down the middle however from time to time, I gladly spent more, since I had more, without feeling any sense of injustice. My husband, gratefully, does not tie his masculinity (or provider status) to bank balances, so he never felt threatened by our income disparity.
When I left my old career to pursue a coaching certification and start my business, it was all swings and round-a-bouts those first coupe of years, with who was earning and providing more money. As a couple, there was little distress on our union, even though our overall income dropped considerably.
I am not saying, joint accounts are THE KEY answer! I am saying...
Looking back, we both realized that MONEY MINDSET was so crucial to our happiness levels in our life, and our marriage.
Arguments over money and lifestyle associated to money is high up on the marriage killer offender list. LIKE, WAY WAY UP THERE.
As a Relationship Coach, who works with couples week in and week out, I can tell you that some of the most bitter resentments and seemingly insurmountable trials in many of these partnerships, is around money mindset.
The one thing every single one of us does EVERY DAY, even if we don’t leave the house, is breathe.. and spend money. That light on my desk and the internet whirring silently, as I type this, are costing me money.
So what does an aligned money mindset look like?
Well, firstly aligned doesn’t equate to mirrored. Some differences in views around money can go a long way. I can think of a few people I know, who the very last thing they need, is someone who spends money the way they do! Either because, they would be in Las Vegas every night OR because they would save every last penny earned and never EVER go on holiday!
HOWEVER, alignment is about two (or more) things moving in the same direction at the same time. It’s an overall shared trajectory and understanding of what effect money has on our physical, mental and emotional well being.
There is no avoiding the hard truth, that in our world, money represents security. Yet, perhaps the greatest contradiction, is that having more money doesn’t always makes different people feel the same way.
Biggie Smalls said it best “Mo’ money Mo problems”.
This is why, even a couple who has ‘all the monies’ can be the couple who fights most viciously about that same money. There is where the crux of alignment shows it’s face most clearly.
It's NOT about how much or how little money there is, but our relationship and engagement with money, that matters.
It's whether we are operating from a place of scarcity or abundance around money, and if we are behaving from possessive dependency or transparent interdependence.
For those of you have yet to find your partner to be, I encourage you to dig deep about how you really FEEL about and actively associate with money.
It’s all very taboo in our society to talk about money and love together, however, please push past the messaging that this isn’t something that’s spiritual or loving or ‘done’ and start digging.
The more clearly we choose a life partner based on our Core Values, the better chance we have at sustaining connection and love, for the long haul.
For those of you reading this, who are in partnerships, and you are now thinking right now, ‘uh oh, we got big, BIG problems in this area’, please know that alignment is achievable, even for those who are frighteningly out of whack.
Willingness and understanding, of ourselves and our partners money mindset, is the base to which we can align ourselves to be moving in the same direction!
We have to want to, and we have to be open to the idea, that our way is not the only, right way. Alignment is NOT bending others to our will! As impossible as it may feel to you, I can guarantee that IF you proactively open yourself up to new ideas, and processes every day… in your relationship, at work, with friends, even on your holiday bookings, ALIGNMENT becomes possible!
Sending you ALL the love! xx
The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire. Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction? And how does it work?
AND, DOES IT EVEN WORK?!?!
Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
The Law Of Attraction states, that if someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience. If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience. In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situations, experiences, money, people and even, material objects into their life.
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)
A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story!
Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION. Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously. In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting! Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice! What if that was ten offers? Twenty?
Head. Officially. Done. In.
The LOA claims that by focusing in our intentions, words and actions towards the things we want to attract, that is exactly what comes our way. If we are focusing in on all the things we DO NOT want, then similarly, those are the things we attract. If you pick up your phone for a online dating swipe fest, filled with dread, wondering just how the people on the app will be wrong for you AND disappoint you... If you enter into this engagement filled with the conviction that you will be ghosted, waste your time and find catfishes galore, then THAT is exactly what you will find during your swipe-o-rama.
If we drop out the ‘WOO’ factor completely...
We can prove out time and time again that, changing or mind-set, being more positive, has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality. Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things! Even in the virtual world, on the days we are seeking the negative, we will find our eyes drawn to just that.
*WARNING* the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’
It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.
Affirmations will not do the trick alone!
Please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what will, either make the Law of Attraction actually work, or not work!
For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY.
We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it. The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.
If I walk down the street, yelling, 'JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!'
I may actually attract some job offers. Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop? NO? Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA.
If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond… with a puppy! Erm, helllllo, PUPPY!!!!! OMG!!! HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different? We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look or the partner, you’re going for!
“BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
And I do mean, TAKE GREAT CARE…
Take great care and time, and energy, heck” even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?
Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...
One of the largest proponents for LOA, is 'THE SECRET'.
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret. Lemme tell ya why!
The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present.
And now, we’re back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
Hold up mi’lady. Have you even bought a lottery ticket? Oh, no? Erm….
Now, how about chanting “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now?
And again... "Are you actively dating right now? Oh, I see. You took yourself off all the dating apps and don't leave your house other than to go to work?!?! Erm...
What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?) who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important. They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing. ACTION!
Here’s is the deal. For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING! You must take actions, take risk, make time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even spend some MONEY, to attract the things you want.
Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl. Hard, worthy work!
I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS! WOMP WOMP.
However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.
If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!
My darling fierce single ladies,
Oh my, here it comes. Do you see it? It’s Valentine’s Day… and it’s here to puke heart shaped everything, ALL OVER YOU AGAIN!
And I know, that you know, that I know, that YOU KNOW... Valentine’s Day is an uber capitalist, made up holiday designed to monetize love and yet… YOU STILL FEEL IT! Right there, like punch to your very single heart!
It’s a jungle out there today in modern love and dating; swipe after soul crushing swipe is getting you know where closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your already amazing life with, or heck even go on a second date!
Just when you’ve bravely survived the holiday season and New Year’s.
Just when you start to grasp onto some of those ‘New Year, New You’ resolutions with some manner of tightness…
Lord, help us all, is that FEBRUARY 14 upon us, already?!?!
Babes, I got you. As your personal feminist LOVE COACH allow me to offer up some incredibly tried and true options, that my clients absolutely love when the dreaded Valentines Day comes knocking in its pink sparkly onsie, that will keep all the angst and despair at bay! I mean, hey now, at least there’s loads of chocolate on sale come Feb 15th HOWEVER, let’s find more than discounted chocolate covered yumminess as consolation prize, shall we? Actually, F@CK THAT, Let’s not just survive V Day, LET’S THRIVE!
I have put together a neat little list of ideas for you to actually look forward to February 14th AND I’ve even combed through all the muck, mire and heart covered BS of events on offer in London, for some truly unforgettable SINGELTON Valentines Night out!
Not in London? Use this list as inspiration, as you let your fingers do the walking all over that blank google box, cause a lot of the ideas are not tied to location and events just like the ones I mention are happening in a city near you, too!
(p.s. I’ve also included a little of heart shaped Valentine Gift from moi’ to you, at the end of this article. That’s right, I’m sending you all the love, in the form of some real time tools to help you find and attract the partner you really want, and deserve!)
Get your Wonder Woman boots out of the closet, dearest one… WE’RE ABOUT TO SUPER POWER OUR WAY THROUGH V DAY, SingleAF!
V DAY THRIVE OPTION 1;
Get all GALENTINES DAY on it's ass!
Get together with the current loves of your life, your other fab single GF’s, and celebrate each other! Yup. There is more than just either being in a relationship OR avoiding Feb 14th like it’s a plague. In fact, there is a whole diaspora of amazingness on the spectrum between those two traditional V Day options.
Here are some #squadgoals AKA Galentines Day ideas to inspire you;
MOVIE NIGHT; Take in a movie on Feb 14th with your squad!
Winchester; Why yes, I will indeed coven up with my ladies and join Dame Helen Mirren for a night of frightful movie going! That’s right, no weepy rom-com, which frankly is part of the messaging that is killing modern love and dating anyways, and let’s go right to some good ol’ horror.
50 Shades FREED - I mean come on, it’s the ultimate chick flick anyways, so why not get your entourage up and out, and drooling a bit over Cristian Gray??
Host A Dating Horror Story Awards Night
Have a pot luck dinner party with ALL your single friends, girls, boys and beyond the binary, where each one has to tell TWO of their own dating horror stories. The Winner with the most cringeworthy story gets a plastic bedazzled crown and hailed as the Ultimate Date Fail Queen/King!
Get em' up and out!
Check out one of the many Anti-Valentine’s parties happening in your area. I’ve curated my top picks happening in London, just for you!
- The empowered women of BUMBLE is hosting an Anti- Valentines event @ one of my fav spots for a bit of fun, BOUNCE! Get your ping pong skills set to ninja! MORE DETAILS ON THIS EVENT HERE
2. Celebrate Galentines Day by letting your real soul sister, QUEEN BEY, be your guide for some late night single shenanigans! The Yonce 'Valentines Day' Experiecne @ XOYO on Wed 1r4th of Februart will be playing Beyonce tunes from 10pm -3am, NON STOP! All my singles ladies, UNITE
DETAILS ON EVENT HERE
Or push yourself way outside your postal code… Did somebody say ROAD TRIP??
Hit up skyscanner or whatever your preferred flight app is and play a game of Flight Yahtzee! Select up to £40 for return flight, and spin the wheel of chance. Then randomly choose a city break based solely on the flights in that price range. Rock up as a truly empowered INDEPENDENT LADY solo or grab a bestie and wander a new city together.
V DAY THRIVE OPTION 2;
THE REAL QUESTION...
Can you FIND LOVE on Valentines Day?!?!
If you’re game to find out… Here are some really interesting singles events happening on Valentines Day, for the SingleAF out there in the wilds of modern love & dating!
1. FUCK TINDER
A speed dating comedy show!
After two completely sold out runs in Australia, as well as sold out shows in Singapore & Edinburgh, f**k Tinder is returning to London.Designed to get single people together to have a good night out, chat to interesting people and do a lot of laughing. FYI Tickets go fast to these events, cause they’re just that good! MORE DETAILS FOR EVENT HERE
2. BAES R US
The folks over at BAES R US, have Vday Speed dating nights spanning the Valentine Day period for whatever your sexual preference. Baes R Us is a fun and fast alternative to the tyranny of Tinder nightmares offering a modern twist on romance. Meet like-minded young creatives offline in a relaxed & cozy setting; the smoothest selections of music all evening, let loose ice-breakers + free cocktail on entry. (14/02 is Gay, 15/02 is Lesbian, 16/02 is Str8 night) MORE EVENT DETAILS HERE
3. GET AN EXPERT IN!
Join ME for a FREE Online Masterclass on Sunday the 18th of February @ 8pm UK (3pm EST / 12 noon PST) as I dish out some of my absolute top tips to starting BOSSING Online Dating! I will show you how to stop the confidence killing swipefest that is online dating in its tracks and start getting out on real dates with the right people for you, FAST! I
LEARN MORE AND CLAIM YOUR SPOT HERE
My darlings, it’s time, to push way past your old mode of coping, by simply trudging through Valentines Day like February 14th is just another day, and you are all out of f@cks to give.
If we want something different, we are going to have to do something different, to get there!
Spread your strong, independent woman wings, and FLY!
(*Please note; I am NOT, in any way, associated with the above events or event curators, nor financially benefited by your attendance in any way. Just being your opinionated, benevolently pushy (ahem, American) LOVE COACH, filtering though all that’s out there to present you with some of the best options on offer)
A large part of the coaching work I do with women is turning these wounds over, and curating wisdom from them. Shortening the learning curve, but not eliminating it. Cause wisdom comes from the journey and from the wounds of falling flat on our heart.
Happy New Year!
What’s been on my mind? Well, how can I factor Star Wars into a blog about relationships? Of course!
Don’t worry, I won’t clog the content with metaphor. I will allow the art form that is the GIF, do most of the heavy Star Wars lifting. Also, there will be no Last Jedi SPOILERS in this edition of the Love Letters, though, come on now, you really haven’t seen it yet?? Hellllllo!??!?!
So yeah, another year and another epic Star Wars movie have just left us… AND THIS TIME, you had someone to cuddle up with at the movie theater to watch it with, WOOT!
That’s right, watch out world… against all odds of the Empire, you swiped your way to love. OR at least, what appears to be an almost unicorn like person, in what has been a Tatooine desert of ghosts, duds, jerks and just soooo not right for you, people.
So there you are, watching the rebellion give rise to great hope… and whilst you are genuinely trying to enjoy every moment of it, you’re kinda’ freaking out! A pervading voice from the dark side, keeps urgently whispering in your ear…”Don’t F@ck this up!!!!’
I get this particular brand of SOS call at least a few times a month from both men and women. People who are just starting out in relationships and overwhelmed with the fear that they’re going to f@ck it up. That, just one small misstep will bring the dominoes of their new burgeoning love, toppling into a million broken pieces on the floor.
The good news? Most of that is just scarcity. The fear that you are not enough to deserve this wonderful new love. And some of it is completely learn-able techniques, you simply, were never taught.
The Bad news? That scarcity is crawling all over you. It’s got you like WHOA, and if you are feeding those scarcity gremlins after midnight… you will indeed participate in the demise of this new relationship.
Can you break a new thing in two? YES. You absolutely can. Will it be one tiny misstep that unravels the whole thing? NO!
Human engagement and connection (AKA Relationships) are way more multi-faceted than one little aspect, toppling it.
Here are my top three tips on what challenges can make or break a new relationship in its first toddling year.
1. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
For some reason, we all think we should be relationship experts, that there is no margin for error for ourselves and our new partners. When in reality, there is no formal structure for learning about relationship skills. There is No Relationships 101 course in University, and for many of us #notallofus, we didn't have very good teachers at home, either.
We experience shame when we make communication errors and or have the expectation that we are supposed to 'get it right' every time. A relationship mind-set recipe for disappointment and disaster.
If you hear yourself saying to yourself, your partner and any friend who will listen “They should just KNOW how” or “How can I be 30something (or 40something) and NOT know how to do relationships?!?”, I invite you now, to take a deep breath and welcome the compassion I am offering.
WE ALL MISSED THAT CLASS IN SCHOOL BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST!
2. HEALTHY AND INSTRUCTIVE BOUNDARIES:
How we start is how we will go on.
Many people, especially women, try to make themselves so accommodating and easy to be with at the start of a relationship because of fear based scarcity. If we do not show people from the very start how we need to be cared for and loved, we are not providing our partner and our relationship the authentic rich soil to thrive.
Good people inherently treat us, as we instruct them to. And being clear about that early on, creates a framework for you both to succeed + stops the nostalgic "she/he was so different when we first got together' battle cry, that can really kill a relationship down the road.
3. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION!
It's so important, I had to type it three times!
Learning techniques to communicate our needs clearly and in a positive manner that the other party can understand is an integral part to any relationships success. My clients are blown away at how, when they change the way they communicate their desires and needs, how differently AND abundantly their partners respond!
All of us come with an instruction manual inside of us. Finding it for ourselves and showing others with compassionate love, how to use that manual is a great act of love, towards ourselves and towards our partners.
Are you freaking out, worried that your lack of experience and knowledge on how to be in a happy, healthy relationship might just blow up your chances at love?
My ‘NEW LOVE’ programs are uniquely designed to offer YOU the tools and techniques for you to start CONFIDENTLY down the road to forever love. As an individual and/or as a couple! Let’s start out 2018 as you mean to carry on.
Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call, so you can get the clarity neeeded to create a tangible strategy to learn the skills to keep YOU and your new relationship THRIVING!
Looking forward to sending you more LOVE LETTERS in 2018 and helping YOU find and keep the LOVE YOU DESERVE! xx
Before we get to the HOW, we must rumble with the WHY.
One of the most common stumbling blocks for my clients, those looking for love AND those who are in relationships, is the ability to truly receive love from others.
Difficulty with receiving, is not limited solely to the women, however, by far, it effects my female clients far more often than my male clients. Of the women I coach, those who are mothers, suffer most. Struggling to receiving love, appreciation and time from others can be a massive roadblock, we must clear, in order to position them in the place to attract the right partner for them AND to give and receive love, like never before in their relationships.
So why is mostly ‘a women’s issue’? And why in the world, are Mum’s the worst receivers?
Because, we are the best givers.
Women in general, are the not socialized nor taught to be very good receivers. In fact, quite the opposite. From a very young age, we begin training, to be nurturers and givers. We push our little mini pram with its dolly down the street proudly, and the praise received for being such good carers, starts young. From as little as 3 years old, we begin to define our self-worth, by how well we care for others. OR, in this case, for dolly. Little girls are often given the role of minder or babysitter, for their siblings, way younger than boys. And, I meet VERY few little boys who are running their very own babysitting empire by age 13… like I was. In fact, I haven’t met or heard about a single one! That is not to say their isn’t a 13 year old boy out there, running his very own version of The Babysitters Club however the rare exception does not negate the fact that even that famous series of books, features girls and is geared towards girls!
Under traditional gender roles, we are encouraged to provide for others, through acts of great service. We cook, clean, chase children to and fro, take leading roles in selecting schools for our children, their hobbies, play dates. I would love to type here that up until the 1950’s-1970’s we were also the sole care takers of the adult men in our lives, however I think saying ‘up till’ is pretending like that expectation is firmly in the past, and, for many, it’s not.
And the ultimate well in which we are expected and applauded for pouring all of our time, energy, spirit and even money into… is parenting.
When I am working with single Mums, who are looking for love, the struggle is realAF. On most days, you are indeed the sole carers for your children with little choice in taking the leading role. Often, the children, become a focal point for all our love. Here is someone who consciously, or unconsciously we have decided, won’t hurt us, abandon us or think we are anything less than Super Woman. Well, at least till their about 15, then it’s anyone’s guess what the teen version of them, will think of us.
Even the love, we should be showing ourselves, gets bumped down the priority list, to meet their needs, wants and desires, first. Some common battle cries I hear… “I do really want to take this course, but I’m saving to take the kids to Disney!” OR “A weekend yoga retreat?!?! I desperately need that BUT I don’t have time or money for that! Now, piano lessons for little Susie, that I HAVE to find the money for!”
Sound vaguely familiar, dearest one?
Now let’s play this careGIVER role out in our adult relationships.
Another very common tale I hear, is of women who call me absolutely mystified when their partner or new beau has legged it. They did EVERYTHING for them! Who was there when their mom died?? You! Who helped them re-write their CV so they could land that dream job?? YOU! Who encouraged, loved, cared for and GAVE to them everything a human could ask for? YOU! So why? WHY DID THEY LEAVE AFTER YOU DID ALL THAT!?!?
Ready for a truth bomb?
Deep breathes. Here it comes. These traditional gender roles, have been messing with hetero normative relationships, and hindering their success, for millennia! Cause guess what? We are raising our men to be providers! The great hunters! So when we do all the providing AND we can’t allow ourselves to receive?!? YIKES! Game over! There is a deep rooted phycology that simply cannot connect in a loving relationship, if one person is doing all the giving and the other person is not being allowed OR challenged to provide.
Sorry, ladies. I have to drop another big and painful truth bomb… to complete this picture.
When we GIVE we feel more in control. When we have to receive, we feel less in control and way more vulnerable. BOOM. Giving can be smoke screen we use, to incubate ourselves from being disappointed and hurt.
NOW LET'S GET TO THE HOW!
Learning how to receive is paramount to participating in a healthy, successful relationship. The steps to do so are simple, however not always so easy to master.
Step 1 – We need to come to believe we are worthy to receive.
Step 2 – We must break the association that our self-worth, (that we will only be enough), to our ability to give. We have to feel confident, that we are still enough, whether we give or not.
Step 3 – We need to become way more discerning about to whom, and why we give.
Step 4 – We have to slowly start to open up to receive. Heck, most of can barely receive a compliment without trying to side step to shoo it away!
Step 5 – We have to allow others to do for us. We have to relinquish the control, that comes with giving, and lean into the courage and vulnerability it takes to receive.
Step 6 – We need to start with us, first. We must start caring for ourselves, and bumping SELF LOVE and SELF CARE, way up the priority list!
If you want to become a better receiver, and therefore position yourself to not just attract but keep the love you deserve, be brave, and take the above steps!
Please do engage deeply with compassion and care for yourself. We are slowly re-educating ourselves, learning a new way to be seen and to be loved. It won’t happen overnight, and some days will be better than others, by far. And that’s okay. Step by step, inch by inch, we open our hearts and minds to being able to truly receive, love.
The Cool Girl. She's so easy breezy, drama free, roll with the punches, always up for a good time, ride or die chick. She is available for fun, whenever, wherever. She doesn’t make demands on her new love interests. She doesn’t inquire about messages that go unanswered, dates that are canceled last minute nor does she pay any mind to the fact they are still on dating apps, 3 months into seeing each other.
The Cool Girl always has their back, and will support you through it all, whilst never expecting any acknowledgement or commitment in return.
You need a cheer leader for that new job interview? Give me a ‘C’!
You need a cheerleader to get over your Ex? Give me a ‘O’!
You need a cheerleader for your sick mom? Give me an ‘O’!
How about a cheerleader for that redundancy you didn’t see coming? GIVE ME A ‘L’!!
What does that spell?? COOL! COOL! COOL!
Yup. She does it ALL whilst never asking for much in return.
The COOL GIRL never say’s I LOVE YOU, first. She never has the big relationship ‘talk’. She never say’s their behavior is unacceptable. Rush? What rush? There is no rush from a cool girl! Cause’ she is WAY TOO COOL for all that.
She is both too cool to care and too cool to make waves, whilst simultaneously being their BFF, with so many benefits.
And that nonchalance? That uber coolness… is why people fall madly in love with her, right?
We think, by playing to cool… by being a consummate bad ass support, by not challenging others to meet our needs, to love us and to show up for us, that will ‘make’ someone want to stay. HOWEVER, time and time again, that is not how that story ends.
This is the fallacy of the Cool Girl.
And it is most certainly, a cautionary tale!
Now, here is an all more common bed time story. Girl does all of the above, and possibly so much more. She blends into the walls, being all laughs and good times. She NEVER says she want’s something serious, yet she is fulfilling all the boss ass roles of the perfect girlfriend. She helps them through some of the toughest times in their life, she is a barrel of laughs, drinking beer with the boys, no pressure, no drama perfection… and then, THEY LEAVE.
Uh oh, the Cool Girl is a hot mess, now.
WHY?, She laments. I did EVERYTHING for them! I was sooooo easy, breezy, calm and collected! I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING and I DID EVERYTHING for them! How could they not SEE what an amazing partner I would be????
Ready for a psychology truth bomb? Take cover!
Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to a person, its obligates you to DO something. Committed long term relationships, ARE WORK. Hard work. Worthy work.
People make commitments to other people based more from obligation, then from passion.
They feel it is the right thing to do. AND, they feel they are a better person for doing so. They have experienced some of the ‘work’ and they have experienced some of the reward, from that work. Psychologically, we are driven to commit, because it is being required of us to continue on the path, to attain more of what is giving us the sensory of accomplishment and appreciation.
In hetero normative relationships, add in a healthy dose of gender socialization for, um, millennia, and you have MEN who have an overwhelming need to provide.
The Cool Girl? She did all the providing. She required no sense of obligation. She never gave them the chance to do any of the work, so they never experienced the reward. They also never truly experienced reward, accomplishment and appreciation based on that work.
PLUS, she never truly showed her cards, she was TOO COOL to express the deep emotions she felt for this persons, TO BE VULNERABLE. When we are vulnerable, we do indeed open ourselves up to the possibility to rejection and hurt, HOWEVER it is through that very same open space, that void of need, that someone can step in, AND PROVIDE LOVE!
The reality is, the more instructive you are about what you want and need, the more clearly defined the role is for someone to actually, FILL IT!
And don’t even get me started on how, even when we do ‘get the partner’ the devastation that follows when you do, drop the cool girl persona, and start truly showing up as you, does to a partnership. ‘They were SO different when we first met!’ becomes a battle cry that couples have a very, VERY hard time getting out from under.
Any pennies dropping for you, dearest one?
Feel like I am telling your story?
Are you a COOL GIRL? How’s that been truly serving you?
What will YOU do to drop the cool and make them WERRRK for it?
What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?! Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!!
We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!
I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”
From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?”
Ever hear that old phrase... You can’t put the cart before the horse?
Well darling, LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart. CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!
However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.
So how do we connect with others? how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?
We connect with others through clear open communication.
We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.
We connect to others by listening to what they have to say.
We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves.
We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all.
We connect with others by asking for help.
We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.
We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.
There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes. Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!
Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?! WHAT IF THEY DO?????? No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!
Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners.
We blame time. Life is so busy!
We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?
We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us. THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!
We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!
Blame, is never very helpful.
This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy! This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!
So, how’s that horse of yours? I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time.
What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?
What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?
This trend setter is everywhere we look these days.
Authenticity guru’s are abound with the honor, stand and speak your truth. Like any good thing, it’s easy to blur the lines and go overboard. As we find ourselves well into the age of social media, where now EVERY human being with access to the internet has a far-reaching platform, we see every day how people can take the ‘Speak My Truth’ mantra and start really bashing everyone over the head. And sometimes if by doing, we do offend others deeply, and instead of making note and apologizing when challenged, the whole SPEAKING OUR TRUTH motto can even be the battle cry we use, when we bat that accountability away from us.
Honest, direct kind communication in a relationship is a beautiful and very necessary thing.
HOWEVER, Honesty without compassion is brutality.
Keep it kind, kids! AND be open to being called in by our partners when, perhaps, our truth, was cuttingly honest.
So how do we check ourselves BEFORE we open that mouth wide?
How do we discern what really NEEDS to be said? and when, and how, and to whom??
I have a great filter I offer to clients, that helps to mediate in their own heads, what really needs to be said and when.
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said, BY ME?
Does it need to be said, RIGHT NOW?
How many times does it need saying?
If we can pause, long enough to drop our thought through this entire 4 step filter, one level at a time, we can be a lot more sure that what comes out the other side of said filter, is the truth, that needs speaking.
Let's walk through this communication saving filter, one step at a time, together!
FILTER 1; Does it need to be said?
Let’s stand in our own truth, all by ourselves, for a minute. Does what you are about to say REALLY NEED to be said? First check, is this life or death? No. Okay. Second check, is this statement helpful or hurtful? What if I don’t say this? What happens then?
Many, many of your truths will race on beyond this first filter. Hurrah!
However, a handful of truly repetitive unnecessary statements, that will have not positive effect nor outcome, will die a natural beautiful death here too. HURRAH!
FILTER 2; Does it need to be said, BY ME?
Unsolicited advice anyone?? I know, you want to encourage and help your partner succeed at the office, or at that weight loss goal, or at training for that marathon… HOWEVER, do they have a boss? A personal trainer? A marathon training group???? IF yes, um…. Maybe it’s NOT your place to be saying it???
Ooh. This is a good one. Will it best heard, if said, BY YOU?
Ever been incredibly frustrated when your partner seems to take advice from someone else and run with it? Leaving you there slack jawed and angry because YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING THE SAME THING TO THEM FOR OVER A YEAR!?!
I bet, if you give it some thought, there are things that you don’t hear as clearly when your partner says them either. Sometimes, even positive things. Maybe they tell you, you look great in that outfit, and you roll your eyes. An hour later at the party, and your mother in law says it, and BOOM, you’re beaming?
Oh. Ohhhhhh. Right. Got it?
FILTER #3 Does it need to be said RIGHT NOW?
Some of us, live in a bit of a state of emergency. Whatever comes to our mind, whatever our needs are, WE FEEL WE MUST TO EXPRESS THEM, IN THAT VERY MOMENT. Here is the problem with that urgency, we often bring up topics, that are indeed important, they have passed with flying colours through filter one and two, and then we shoot the whole conversation in the foot, by bringing it up at exactly the wrong time and wrong place, to have a good discussion around it.
Even for those of you, who are not incessantly and urgently truthing a constant stream, choosing the right time and right place, the most conducive environment, still may very well be where you have been going wrong.
A couple I worked with last year, came to me complaining that there was no communication. The husband, truly frustrated, stated whenever “I do bring it up, it’s NEVER the right time! We have to talk about this stuff!”
Turns out, when we unpicked the limiting beliefs off that statement, he was almost always bringing it up as they were getting ready for bed, on a weeknight. And his partner was absolutely exhausted, and couldn’t even see straight, let alone talk straight.
Together, we found them just the right time AND place, for these very essential conversations to take place and flourish, for both of them!
FILTER # 4 How many times does it need saying?
Feeling like a broken record? Finding yourself saying “I don’t mean to nag” or “Don’t MAKE ME INTO A NAG” ?
I get it. Maybe if you say it over and over and over and over, they will finally HEAR you! That, it’s a numbers game, right? I mean, one of these days, what you are asking of them, will resonate and they will jump up, exclaiming AHA and do it, right??
Yeah. How’s that working for you?
I am going to guess, mostly, its driving YOU nuts. And the only person who seems to be wearing down under the weight of these repeated words, is YOU.
Repetition can also be an indicator of importance. So if we over use the communication tool that is repetition, we can make it impossible for our partners to discern and prioritise what’s being asked of them.
Like any communication tool, for it to be effective, it needs to be used wisely.
Now you have this fab filter. You are dropping your thoughts down through it, and starting to experience great success! Now what?
True partnerships cannot have communication, discourse and collaboration without listening too. LISTENING is the other half of communication. If we want the filter to work, for the communication to be effective and filled with love… We must make sure, we are not so caught up in standing in our truth and being heard, that we stop listening! If we are spending all of our time, thinking and mapping out responses, how we will deliver ‘our truth’, and real talking ‘our truth’ at every opportunity, we kill communication, dead.
And, that my darlings, is the very last thing any thriving partnership needs!
If you would benifit from more access to a relationship expert like me, I invite you to come join our growing community over at THE EMPOWERED LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL where I show up every day with the real time tools, inspiration and techniques everyone needs to be the very best version of them, in their partnership!