love coaching

Let's Talk About Sex, PART TWO: SEX And The SIngle Lady

LIVE talk given by Love Coach and Dating Expert Jessica Elizabeth Opert on the single woman finding her sensual power in love, dating and SEX!

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The LAW OF ATTRACTION... WTAF is it? And why is it NOT working for you?

The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire.  Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!

 
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction?  And how does it really work?

image: unsplash.com

image: unsplash.com

Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
 

If someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience.  If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience.  In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situation, experiences and even, material objet into their life.

 
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)


 

A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story! 

Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION.  Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously.  In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting!  Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
 
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice!  What if that was ten offers? Twenty? 

Head. Officially. Done. In.


 
Of course, changing or mindset, being more positive has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality.  Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things!

 
But the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’  
 

It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.    

Affirmations will not do the trick alone!

 

Darling %FIRSTNAME%,  please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what either make the Law of Attraction actually work or not work!

 

For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY. 

We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it.  The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.

 

If I walk down the street, yelling JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!

I may actually attract some job offers.  Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop?  NO?  Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!  

 
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA. 

If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond…  with a puppy!  Which, I mean PUPPY (!!!OMG!!!) HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different.  We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look you’re going for!

 

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR.  TAKE GREAT CARE…

Take great care and time, and energy, heck even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.    
 
 
 
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?

Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...

One of the largest proponents for LOA, is THE SECRET. 
 
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret.  Lemme tell ya why! 

The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present. 
 
Back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
 
Hold up.  Have you even bought a lottery ticket?  Oh, no?  Um….


 
Now, how about “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
 
Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now? 
 
What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?)  who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important.  They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing.   ACTION!


 

Here’s is the deal.  For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING!  You must take actions, risk, time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even MONEY, to attract the things you want.

Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl.  Hard, worthy work! 
 

I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS!  WOMP WOMP.

However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!

In closing;
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
 
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
 
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.

 
If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!



 
 

I went LIVE about this very topic just the other day in the FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE facebook group.  All day, every day, I am in that group handing out inspiration, tips, techniques and so much love...

YOU should totally JOIN OUR GIRL GANG!

FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE - A Facebook Group, of community & solidarity, for fierce like-minded women out in the jungle looking for love!

FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE - A Facebook Group, of community & solidarity, for fierce like-minded women out in the jungle looking for love!

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Dear Anxious Attachment Style peeps...

Earlier in the week, I emailed you about Attachment Styles, and how understanding and accepting your own attachment style was one of the most crucial keys to changing the dynamic in how you seek, attract, give and receive LOVE! 

First on the LOVE LETTER chopping block was the AVOIDANT attachment style; In case you missed that blog, feel free to read it here


Today, we are going to dip in and have a sneaky peek at the ANXIOUS attachment style. AND how this effects who we choose as partners AND how we engage in relationships.  This fascinating topic & blog series,  applies to those looking for love… AND those fighting to keep that love!



Let's get to it, shall we? 


THE ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE;

image:Giphy.com

image:Giphy.com

This is not one, we want to acknowledge. I mean, right from the title 'anxious attachment', it doesn't sound like something we want to lay bold claim to, now does it?

However, unless we do just that.. acknowledge and accept… we cannot gain the learning and the tools to overcome it either.
 
I'll go first; Hello, my name is Jessica Elizabeth, and I absolutely have the Anxious attachment style.

 
When our attachment gets activated, we zoom in on the frenetic energy.  We cling to the highs and lows, the roller coaster and 'FALLING' in love, is what we know best.  We spend time worrying about what they're doing when they're not with us, and worrying about what they're thinking about, whilst they're with us. We over analyze our own behaviors and actions, desperately trying to root out, what did we do, that put them off?  How did WE screw k this up.  Often frantically caught up in our own heads with how to make our relationship better, even if things are actually going quite well.
 
Oh my, we HEART fantasy, big time!  To escape into our own heads and fantasize and catastrophize about our relationships, it's a gold medal sport for us! 
 
We struggle to find contentment, to allow ourselves to enjoy the moment when its working, because we fear and feed off the thoughts of what happens, when it's not working.  Overly sensitive to others feelings and actions and prone to own the whole process, the responsibility of connection and love, as ours and ours alone to create and sustain. 

We question ourselves and our partners constantly.  Whatcha' thinking?  How much do you love me?  Do I really love this person?  Is he/she THE ONE? What if they're not? Am I wasting my time? Why haven't they sent a Good Morning text today? Are they losing interest? What if my family doesn't like them?  How soon is too soon to intro them to family?  What if I get a dream job offer 10 years from now in another country, will they come?  And about 50 others on a relatively exhausting loop.    Sound familiar?

image: Giphy.com

image: Giphy.com

When someone who has the Anxious attachment style, dates Avoidant types, it ain't pretty… however there is something about push and pull of their kind of attachment, that speaks to our anxiety, that activates the anxietythat we are drawn to, like moths to a flame.  

That's because it's REALLY easy to confuse our anxious attachment with the intense crazy feelings that all the poets and songwriters describe, when it comes to LOVE.  
 
"You got me so crazy in love" – Beyonce
 
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh… is right Queen Bey! 

i,age: Giphy.com

i,age: Giphy.com

How do we move forward if this is our attachment type?



In dating...

Some of us, after years and years, and years of the love struggle being realAF, finally get so spun out on the crazy love, that we finally welcome something, someone, different.   
 
Sometimes it's the right decision! (hallelujah sweet, sweet surrender!!)
 
Sometimes we settle for someone, not right for us, not able to love us, because we are just so broke down and jaded. 


 
Want to skip the years and years?  Already invested the years and years?


 
Here's a secret.  CHEMISTRY isn't what you probably think it is…
 
Chemistry by definition is the combination of elements along with a catalyst that creates a reaction and something completely new.
 
The catalyst, is THE SPARK we all spend so much time and energy chasing.  However, the SPARK is not chemistry.  It's just the catalyst.  ALL THE OTHER ELEMENTS MUST BE PRESENT TOO!   If you have all the other elements…  shared hobbies, shared sense of humor, core values, easy conversation, shared goals and ideals… but no spark?  NO CHEMISTRY.
 
If you have THE SPARK but very few or none of the important elements of long term companionship.  NO CHEMISTRY.

Once we are aware that we are predisposed to confuse our anxiety with feelings of love.  Once we clearly define what we really want AND need in a relationship.
 
We have some power over our default attachment style. We are back in the drivers seat, where we belong!
 
 


In relationships...

Often when the Anxious attachment types meet and start a relationship with someone who has a Secure attachment style, over time, we mellow out. We finally feel consistently safe enough, due to the other persons Secure attachment style, we realize that all this worry, obsessing over getting it right, the constant fear of the future, is not warranted and not helpful. We can relax into the serenity and calm of this kind of love.  We can adopt and make our very own, the SECURE attachment style.
 
Sometimes, we never allow ourselves to enjoy it. We push that Secure person away.  We doubt the connection cause.. where the fireworks? Where's the passion? WHERE'S THE DRAMA???? 


You may find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant!  This does not mean, you necessarily have to get out of dodge, however, you do have the power to change the current dynamic, from your end!


You can choose to make yourself crazy with worry, constant questioning, chasing your avoidant partner all over the house asking and demanding of them, what they simply cannot offer, i.e. the constant validation you seekOR  you can choose to accept them as they are, and meet your own needs.  Get on that self love and self care train... fill the well from within!  

 

Wherever you find yourself on loves journey, either in or out of a relationship, ABUNDANCE is a life saver for the Anxious attachment style folks. 

There is infinite love flowing all around you, no need to hustle, chase and worry yourself sick that you will not get your due.  Love is coursing all around you, flowing freely from inside of you and into you! TAP IN!  

image: giphy.com

image: giphy.com

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Common Stumbling Blocks And Hurdles On The Path To LOVE

This week, we are discussing one of the larger stumbling blocks and hurdles, to moving forward in finding and attracting love…. OUR PASTS!

Past heartbreak, past partners, bad relationships, betrayal of trust, dysfunctional model relationships in our childhood are just a few of the larger ‘ghosts of love past’ I’ve seen blocking too many women from engaging with new love

Sometimes the past, is more recent.  We have had a long string of dud dates over the last two years OR we have been wandering the desert, miles & miles (years & years) and NOT a drop/date to drink!

Sometimes in our past we have experienced deep trauma.

 

Perhaps the most common tale of love past that is stopping women dead in their tracks from moving forward with love, is a past relationship.   Recently I was in a session with a one of my amazing private clients, and her EX made yet another appearance in the conversation, metaphorically speaking of course.   

This relationship, and the pain of the breakup was like a ghost haunting her every move.  FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!!!  She really loved this man, thought he was ‘the one’ and for the last eight years, she has allowed comparison and fear to keep almost everyone other person, at an arm’s length.  In fact, over the last eight years, only 3 people had come even remotely close to being in her hearts direct sphere.  And I do mean ‘REMOTELY’,  because really, they never stood a chance.   How could they, when she has been dragging the dead body of her last relationship with her, everywhere she goes? 

Grrl, it’s time to bury that ex’s body far away from your home and heart.  How can we live with the stink of that rotting corpse in the closet? 

We can’t!

 

Another client, told me (and herself) over and over “I can’t do relationships because I don’t know what a healthy one looks like” because her own parents relationship was definitely not one to model.   

Why are we allowing our parents relationship to define how we interact with love, today? Why have we assumed ownership of their relationship filled with mistakes and pain, as our own?  And, Is that statement ‘I don’t know what a healthy relationships looks like’, really true? 

Once we dug out that limiting belief out, and really examined it, turns out she had MANY people around her that were in healthy relationships AND she actually had a very clear and healthy definition of what a relationship should look like!   She couldn’t see it, because the statement “I can’t do relationships because I don’t know what a healthy relationships” blinded her from looking at what was right in front of her all along! 

 

 

And your broken heart?  Ya know, the one you locked away up in the tower, safe and secure, all those years ago?   Oh lady. She is rattling her cage, SCREAMING to get out!

 

The heart has four functions.

1.     To pump blood.

2.     To love

3.     To be loved

4.     To be broken

She isn’t afraid of heartbreak because she KNOWS she has the incredible ability to heal AND that she must serve her purpose, all four of them to carry on.  She wears her battle scars like exquisite tattoos, proudly!

 

For some of us, the past has been very traumatic. 

We have experienced, sexual assault, molestation, child abuse, addiction and mental illness in our families or within our-self , for example.  And these issues do come up for some of the women I work with, and I help them, find the help they require. I offer empathy and compassion necessary to seed the hope.  If this is you.  Please know, you are not alone. You are not irrevocably broken, that there is a way forward.  If you have some psychologically traumatic events in your past, please do not allow the stigma in your heart or the chorus of nasty voices sniping in your head, convince you away from seeking and receiving professional help, you deserve. You are worthy of forgiveness, of love of recovery from this trauma.

 

Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you that knowing look and now drop that one-liner, fix all on you, ‘Hey babes, you need to LET IT GO’ 

Because it’s going to a lot more than an email and us humming the song from Frozen, to do that.  

 

In order for us to let ANY of our past go, we must first accept it happened.  

Rumble with, reconcile and own, the cold hard truth of what happened, when and where.  No fluff, no denial, just honestly and openly, admit & accept, that it happened. Only then, can we be in a place to surrender this experience.  I mean, If I am going to let something go, or turn it over… I better know exactly what I’m letting go of, right?? 

 

Then, we need hope. We need to come to believe, there is life beyond it. 

That we don’t need this experience, this heartbreak, ex, or even trauma to define who we are, and how we move through the world.  What would your life be like, if you no longer had these ghosts whispering in your ear?  How would you feel?  Lighter? Happier? More willing to love and be loved?   

 

Now, you’re  going to need some help.  

Letting go, is never a one woman show.  We need to have someone or something, we trust enough, to hand this past over to, so we can walk away and forward.  Is it a best friend? A parent? A therapist? A coach? A higher power? If we are going to turn this experience in to the lost and found, and be done with it… we need a lost and found office! So we can rock up, drop it off. AND GO!

 

Lastly you will need TRUST. 

Trust is, I am safe with you.  Trust is, I am safe with me. 

Trust is built by the smallest actions, brick by brick.  Often, we have lost trust in ourselves and others.  What areas of your life do you still trust yourself in?  To do the right thing?  To make the best decisions?  Who do you trust, that always has your best interest at heart?  Who always offers you kindness and love?  Lay out the evidence. 

You may FEEL like you can’t trust yourself or anyone, but dearest one…

FEELINGS AREN’T FACT.  BOOM! 

Lay out the evidence, chances are, you do still trust yourself and others, your emotions are just clouding the facts. 

 

My darling, YOU are the captain of your own ship. 

What has happened in the past, is done. There is no going back and changing it.  HOWEVER you have absolute POWER and a direct RESPONSIBILITY for WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.  You. This life,  is YOUR SHIP now. 

Take the helm.  It’s a new day, sail forward into that sunrise!

Photo by  Max Poschau  on  Unsplash

Photo by Max Poschau on Unsplash

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The sacred art of legging it out of a bad date [FIND LOVE]

If you are out there in the wilds of dating, and especially if you are ramping up the tempo of your online dating, mastering the art form that is getting out of a bad date, and doing it fast, is imperative.

There are more reasons for a date to go bad, then there are stars in the night sky. 


Your date…

-       Is rude to everyone that comes within a 1 mile radius of your table.

-       Is flirting with the waitress.

-       Won’t let you get a word in edgewise.

-       Is overpowering you with the aroma of body odor and whiskey.

-       Monotone story telling of the ins and out of their job as a paint peeler has you contemplating sticking a fork in your eye.

-       Shows up for a 2pm museum date still fall down drunk and in their clothes from the night before.

-       Doesn’t even remotely look like their profile pic (seriously, whose picture did they steal for that???)

-       Drops racial slurs like they just graduated the Third Reich SS boarding school

-    OR there is simply no spark whatsoever

 

First things first, you do NOT have to waste hours of your day being polite. 

You do NOT have to tough it out and you DO not have to volunteer yourself as a hostage. 

 

YOU. CAN. LEAVE!

I know. Crazy talk, right?

 

In my days of dating like a boss, learning how to nicely and firmly end a date before PTSD therapy was required, became a necessary survival skill.  AND, when done right, it’s the kindest mercy for everyone involved. 

NO ONE should have to waste their time on a bad date, including the hopeful yet, smelly, talkative, drunk ass person across from you, on it.

 

Here are the top 4 methods to legging it out of a bad date, fast! 

 

 

WONDER WOMAN TO THE RESCUE…
 

Most of us know the old reliable ‘get out of jail’ method.  You have a friend scheduled to call 20-30 minutes’ max into the date with a wild story about how they lost the keys to their house and you? YOU are the only person in the country who has the spare set AND must leave that very minute to meet your friend across town.  (

Generally speaking for safety reasons, its always a good thing to have a friend check in via text shortly into the date starting… in case your date is drinking a find Chianti over a plate of Fava beans!)

 

Photo; Henning Witzel/Unsplash

Photo; Henning Witzel/Unsplash

LIFE'S AN OPEN ROAD…
 

When setting up the date, why not suggest ‘let’s start’ with a coffee or a walk in the park, or drinks etc.. with the caveat that you can see where the night takes you? 

Most people like the spontaneity that this suggests but also they too know that this open-ended option allows breathing room to end the date for both of you. Suggest an activity that takes no more than 30-60 minutes, long enough for you to get to know them a bit, yet short enough to cut your losses and still join your friends after for some fun, If the date’s a non-starter.

 

SET THE CAT AMONGST THE PIGEONS...

Another way of setting the stage for possible escape, is to set the date amongst the pigeons. 

Let your date know, whilst you really want to meet up… you have a dinner that evening for a friend’s birthday, would they like to meet before for drinks around 7? Or, for that walk in the park at noon, you have career defining deadline at work on Monday and loads of prep to do, but an hour walking with them would be just the break you need . 

This method does a few things well. It shows you are keen to see them, to squeeze them in. It shows you have a life, priorities, friends, and ambition.

And if the date it going really well?  Set up for date number two right away! That cat will be just as keen to see you again, but this time for longer. 

The Saturday afternoon I met my now husband for 20-30 minute coffee… it was a ‘drive by’ as I headed uptown from a lunch date to an evening out with friends.  We were out again later that very same week for a proper dinner and aimlessly wandering of the Upper East Side finding excuses to keep talking, that lasted over 5 hours…

 

I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU…  

Empowerment is about finding our voice and living a life of integrity. 

Honesty is always the best policy HOWEVER honesty without compassion, is brutality.  The first time I tried this, I was shocked how well it went. It also was a huge booster to my self esteem.  Learning how to lay down boundaries will do that.  

I literally just waited till a break in the convo (which wasn’t hard, as the convo was painfully stilted!) and said “Hey, I don’t want to waste your time, you seem like a really nice guy, but I am just not feeling any real connection or spark here, wanna call it a night?”   The guy exhaled, laughed and agreed. He was being polite by staying!  

And yes, there was a bit of blubbering tears one time from another date when I suggested we tap each other out of this round. I stayed firm and kind but still got the hell out of there!

We are not going ANYONE any favors by staying past the expiration date!

 

I RIDE ALONE, BABY…

Finally. Never, EVER let them or you do the pick up service on date one. 

Make your own way to the first date is, so you can make your own way out of there at the time that suits you! If they have some elaborate romantic first date plan that involves driving out into the countryside, circle back to  ‘Life’s An Open Road’ and ‘Set the Cat Amongst the Pigeons’ right away lady! 

This last method is also a ‘safety first’ consideration.


 

 

What’s your tried and true method of legging it out of a bad date?  Give us all the dirt in the comments here!  

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