Just lil ol' me back with another Self Care Tip ,
Today's Self Care During Crisis Tip is for all my singletons!
Here was a great question posted in the Feminista Seeks Love group yesterday…
How long should you date someone before labels like girl friend/boy friend come into play? Before saying I love you?
It’s a question I get normally, and one of the first things I address with new coaching clients who are looking for love… HOWEVER yesterday, it gave me extra cause for pause.
Right now, we are in the throes of a worldwide pandemic, our present is discombobulated at best, and under direct threat, at worst. Our future is super uncertain. This is a crisis. And crisis can do funny things to the heart!
Oxytocin is often called the "love hormone" or "cuddle chemical," but American and Norwegian researchers have found out that it may as well be called a "crisis hormone
-Norwegian University of Science and Technology
When we are under threat, our brains release Oxytocin, so we can fight, flight or freeze our asses for survival. It also is what makes us band together to fight a common threat. Trauma bonding is a real thing. And, in itself isn't inherently a bad thing... but confusing this with intimacy, profound once in a lifetime connection and with really knowing someone, can be a very bad thing.
There are countless examples of this… I always think of the movie SPEED, with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. Classic example of two strangers, bonded together by an extremely traumatic survival situation, that ends, of course... with a big romance. AND, the movie ends there. What we don’t see is, what happened the weeks that followed that terrifying bus ride!
Some of you were mid 1st, 2nd and 3rd date or more, when the world as we know it, fell apart and social distancing became the new black. And you have carried on, scheduling fun video dates with these people. Which is GREAT! This virus dust will settle, and life will move on. Yassss, keep moving forward with dating!
What concerns me as that during this crisis, oxytocin may very well be blending with some ‘oh shit, I'm all alone with no one to go through this big life stuff with’ and creating a cocktail of hot wired intimacy, that feels very VERY real… but is short cutting the simple fact that, true intimacy takes T I M E.
Getting to know someone, and making an informed conscious decision to commit to that person, cannot be rushed. I suggest 10-15 dates to clients, which depending on the circumstances, is approx. 3-6 months. By all means, request sexual exclusivity for safety reasons, but actually choosing this person as a partner?!?! Let’s not do that all hopped up high on Oxytocin!
Self Care in this situation means, sloooowwww down. Enjoy the ride of getting to know someone!
We are on lock down people, time is what we have most of right now!
Oh, and one last BONUS tip for you, dearest , see below.
THIS! ALL THE THIS! lol :)
