dating trends

That dating life, tho'?!?! YIKES!

Oh the dating life... I remember it all too well.

I started off in life, as a serial monogamist, or as I like to call it ‘second date relationship girl’. I jumped in and out of long-term relationships, in part because I had no idea I was supposed to be actually carefully considering partnership choices i.e. I like you, you like me, (what little we actually know about each other) and that was enough to make it official… however, mostly, I was ‘second date relationship girl’, because I was terrified of being alone.

When I was 25, I had a 2.5 year live in relationship come to a spectacularly painful end, just as I was moving to NYC. I spent the next 2 years mostly alone, without a date in sight, and then I started to do something I had never done before… D A T E. And, by D A T E, I mean actually go out with multiple people, on multiple dates, trying to figure out if they were right for me, BEFORE getting into a relationship, and subsequently waking up 6+ months later, looking over in bed, and thinking ‘who are you?!?’

However, I was missing one crucial trick in the dating process. I had no idea what ‘right for me’ even meant, not really.

So, I spent 6 years, on the neck breaking careening roller coaster of dating, holding on for dear life.

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I made load of mistakes. Dated some real cray cray people. I broke a few hearts. Got mine torn to shreds more than a few times, and somewhere around rock bottom, I was standing on the corner of 14th street and 5th Ave, crying into my best friends arms, after a from day one red flagged filled affair, I should have been way smarter then to get into, that left me broken.

I was stumped.

How could I be in my early 30’s and apparently be no real wiser in love? How could I, this smart, savvy, independent boss of a gal, who had an amazing career, great friends, kick ass hobbies and interests, living in the greatest city in the world, be so hopelessly single?!?!

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Finally, I surrendered and sought some professional help.

On that journey, not only did I get...

  • Some real clarity on what ‘right for me’ meant


  • I was able to resolve some historical trauma and shame around love.


  • I was able to leave my parents role modeled relationship to them, and not allow it to effect how I moved about the arena of love.


  • I was able to become secure from within, in my ability to attract and choose a good one.


  • AND free myself of some old ideas and behaviors that NEVER truly served me.



It was NOT an overnight cure. It was not without great effort, time and even some cold hard investment of cash. And it was one of the single greatest leaps, and investments in me, I have ever taken in my life.



About a year later, I met Mark, who you have heard me more often refer to as The Hubba Hubba, my hunka hunka burnin’ love. He didn’t look, talk, or act like anyone I had ever dated. He challenged me on so many levels, in the best of ways. Three years later, we were married. My continued work on myself, and relationships allowed me to not only pick a really REALLY good one, it stopped me from sabotaging it, with unrealistic expectations, and my old behaviors. Our relationship is NOT perfect, but hot damn, I look over at him now, ten years on, and I am more in love with him today, then I was in the beginning.

 
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Who would have thought it possible?

Well, not me, for large part of my life. Sure, I hoped for it, I dreamed of it, but deep down I didn’t believe it was possible for me.

If you are reading this, and know exactly what I mean… I see you. I’ve been you. And I know the way forward, my dear!



Have you booked in your FREE BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call with me yet? Whatcha’ waiting for? If nothing changes, nothing changes, dearest one.

 
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Braving The Wilderness of Modern Dating

I was tucking into Brene Brown’s latest book today, ‘Braving The Wilderness’ and this passage, really hit home and inspired me to write to you all today.

“We have to step outside the barricades of self-preservation and brave the wild.

Huddled behind the bunkers, we don’t have to worry about being vulnerable, or brave or trusting. We just have to toe the party line. Except doing that is not working. Bunkers protect us from everything except loneliness and disconnection. In other words, it leads to the worst heartbreak of all.”

Photo by  Bryce Evans  on  Unsplash

Photo by Bryce Evans on Unsplash

 

I have seen this play out in so many different ways with my clients.


  • Swiping left on people they think are ‘out of their league’.

  • Putting off meeting someone from online in real life, to avoid what feels like inevitable disappointment.

  • Not letting people really see them, the real them, on those first few dates.

  • Going on a few dud dates or a series of go nowhere messages, and just coming off online dating all together.

  • Not seeking out the ways and means to meet people in the real world, hiding behind being ‘too busy” and ‘I never meet people in real life’ and ‘I don’t even know where to start’ as their personal bunkers to keep a safe distance.

  • Allowing past heartbreak and bad experiences in relationships, colour their experience with new people, letting one red flag, send them for self-preservation hills.

  • Leaning into work, travel, friends, and other toing the party line of adulting , ensuring those things take priority over their love life, every time.



Hmmmm self preservation running high on anyone else’s to do list, when it comes to finding love???

 

The worst heartbreak of all, is feeling lonely and disconnected. See, we human beings, are hard wired for love and connection.

We can absolutely get love and connection outside the romantic arena of partnership, and yet, let’s be real here, most of us consider relationships and love to have a major effect on our overall well being in life. Think not? Ask someone who is in a hellish relationship! It’s very hard to not allow that segment of our lives, spread sickness to other areas, too.

And, why hell yes, spending time alone, and being comfortable on our own is so very necessary, however THAT is not loneliness.

Here’s the truth bomb about love. It’s both riskyAF and the most secure emotional connection we can ever experience.

It is NOT without risk, and it is also NOT without great reward.  Joining dating apps, or going to single events with your best halfhearted, self-preservation, giving zero f@cks, little black dress on… is not the bravery, vulnerability and trust that is required for love.

Photo by  Mick Haupt  on  Unsplash

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

 

We must build up our courage and self worth, no matter the cost. And we must surrender ourselves to the wild, to the great unknown of the modern dating jungle. 

Yup, it could go wrong... but my darling, it also could go so very right!

This is where someone like me, enters stage right, in your life.  Not only have I been where you are, hopelessly single, caught in the wild fires of dating, gasping for air... I have spent years studying and learning the expertise needed, to help women just like you, get out of that valley and onto the mountain top, so very loved! 

I am so passionate about helping fierce strong women out in the wilds of the dating jungle, find love... that I offer a FREE 45 minute BREAKTHROUGH TO LOVE call! 

If we haven't chatted yet, let's spend some time getting some real clarity around where you have been, where you are at, and where you want to go with love +++ the very next steps you can take to create real transformation in your love life. 

BOOK YOUR CALL SLOT HERE

 
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You've just been GHOSTED, again... BOO!

REAL TALK ABOUT GHOSTING IN MODERN LOVE AND DATING FOR THE EMPOWERED WOMAN

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Are Modern Dating Trends Infiltrating Relationships, too?

Do we leave behind some of the more insidious dating trends, once we get into that sometimes elusive long term relationship?

Over the recent years, in my own dating and relationship coaching practice, I have witnessed and helped my clients overcome every new dating trend, the good, the bad and the really horrific!  

The way human beings navigate finding love, and the many pitfalls, no longer surprise me however I was unpleasantly surprised  to see these dating trends outliving their seemingly obvious expiration dates, by showing their face with the couples, I work with too! 

Knowing what I do, of human nature and how the brain easily attaches to both good and bad behaviour, I shouldn’t have been surprised.  The following is a deep dive into which dating trends are taking up more permanent residence and how they can adversely affect our romantic partnerships.

 

1.GHOSTING

image; Pixaby

image; Pixaby

Ghosting first came onto the scene as the way the worst kind of people cut off all contact shortly into the dating process, providing no reason or notice to the other person at all.  Steadily, ghosting became so common, it became acceptable. Even the nicest of people consider it absolutely acceptable normal dating behaviour.

Our technology, the same one that serves us so well, like apps that allow us to order food, taxi’s, dating, buy shoes, schedule doctors’ appointments all without ever speaking to another human being… is this same technology boom that allows GHOSTING to be such an easy and acceptable mode of operation in today’s dating scene. 

As a society, we have so much available to us whose sole purpose is to allow us to avoid uncomfortable situations and avoid having REAL conversations with REAL people in the REAL world.  This now very normalized dating trend, has opened more people to avoiding conflict and it is indeed carrying over into our relationships.  Don’t want to hear how you let your partner down again, by working late?  Send a text.  Don’t want to have that tough conversation about how unhappy you’ve been, face to face tonight? Send novel long wassap message!  Want to tune out from the conversation that is indeed happening, right now live?  Grab your phone and start facebooking! 

Going ghost on confrontation and conflict, is very much happening in partnerships too.

 

2. BREAD CRUMBING

image: Pixaby

image: Pixaby

Bread Crumbing, defined by Urban Dictionary as “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie "breadcrumbs") in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort,” equates to leading someone on.

Short bursts of minimal effort in order to keep partners interested and on the line, is a new trend for those in relationships as well. How this typically plays out, is two people who are in a committed relationship, but one partner is really just waiting ‘for someone better to come along’.  By taking a hostage, their current partner, they ensure they remain cared for and will show up ‘just enough’ to keep the relationship going. But they aren’t really in it, to win it! 

However even in committed relationships, where one person is not waiting for something better to come along, a form of bread crumbing can still take place. 

We know our relationship needs work, our partner has been banging on about all the things we need to do, in order to keep the relationship alive and happy.  And we do some of the things. Well, really, we do just enough of the things to get them to shut up.  We do just enough of the things, to claim a proper defense.  To state “Look!! I did this thing!!, You can’t say I’m not trying!!”.   This form of behavior isn’t necessarily malicious.  Chances are the dynamic has become so threatening, the motivation so negative, that this person is just trying to avoid pain and discomfort.  If they were motivated by their partner positively, they would do a lot more of the things, to gain the rewards

 

3. SPEAKING OUR TRUTH

imagel Unsplash & Jessicaelizabethcoaching.com

imagel Unsplash & Jessicaelizabethcoaching.com

This trend setter is everywhere we look these days.  Authenticity guru’s are abound with the honor and speak your truth.  Honest, direct kind communication in a relationship is a beautiful thing.  HOWEVER, Honesty without compassion is brutality. Keep it kind, kids!

I have a great filter I offer to clients, that helps to mediate in their own heads, what really needs to be said and when. 

  • Does it need to be said?

  • Does it need to be said, BY ME?

  • Does it need to be said, RIGHT NOW?

  • How many times does it need saying?

If we can pause, long enough to drop our thought through this filter, we can be more sure that what comes out the other side of said filter, is the truth, that needs speaking.

Furthermore, true partnerships cannot have communication, discourse and collaboration without listening too.  LISTENING is the other half of communication. If we are spending all of our time, thinking and mapping out responses, how we will deliver ‘our truth’, and real talking ‘our truth’ at every opportunity, we kill communication, dead.

 

 

4. NEGGING

image: pixaby

image: pixaby

Negging is ugly. REAL ugly.  Negging, as defined by Urban Dictionary is the manipulative behaviour of men (#notallmen) by offering up low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.

If we are in a relationship with someone who is using negging, the more relative term here is emotional abuse. It is absolutely not okay for our partners to be actively undermining out self-confidence and self-worth, to take the advantage.  In relationships, I witness both men and women equally negging each other, shredding each other’s confidence and esteem to bits in order to feel better about themselves, be ‘right’ or simply to assuage a long held resentment they have about their partner.

Any relationship expert, counselor or coach will assure you that partnership is about two people bringing out the best in one another, NOT tearing each other down. In my own relationship coaching practice, the bulk of the work done with couples and empowered individuals in relationships is unifying them back to a place of fighting the good fight for their life and dreams, shoulder to shoulder, together! 

 

Can you identify any of these trends in your own relationship?  What is one action you can take today, to start moving away from these trends?   Let us know in the comments!

 

It’s time to learn the 'not so trendy' behaviors and techniques that will last a life time of love.

 

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