relationships

When Going It Alone In Your Relationship Can Be A Love Saver!

Some days you just have to go it alone, in your relationship

This is me, out and about in Amsterdam, all by myself, on a recent trip my husband and I took to see his family in the Netherlands.

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See, I don’t know about you, but I have a peopling limit. Like, I’m talking getting to a place where I am peopled theAF out. (I also like to make up words, like peopling and peopled. Just go with it).

People often assume I am quite extroverted, as I can be the life of the party, and have had careers where networking, working closely with people and developing meaningful relationships is something I do excel at… but here is the real deal. I am actually quite introverted and require a hefty amount of alone time to feel at my best.


Whilst on our dutch adventure earlier this month, after 3 days of family visits, and wandering around with my partner day and night, I was D O N E. It was high time… for some solo time, and I am not afraid to ask for what I need.


I sent the Hubba Hubba off for a day with his mom, and I played tourist all day, roaming the city, having a fab sushi lunch and letting my playlist guide me. It was magnificent! And so very necessary.

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See, even with the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I cannot do more than 3 days of 24/7 together time. It doesn’t mean I love him less, or he isn’t the right match. It just means I require some inter-dependency in a relationship. Some alone time, with my head phones on, and only myself to cater to or depend on from time to time.

Being in love, marriage, partnership doesn’t require we are attached at the hip at all times. In fact, most folks in long term relationships that report in being happiest, always call out separate hobbies and interests, as well as shared ones. These people prioritize SELF care and SELF love. They value the time they spend with themselves, as much as the time they spend together.



If you can’t enjoy your own company, and take yourself out on a great date from time to time, then you will always be looking to other to make you feel… loved, happy, content, and desired. Whilst people can add to our vault of love, happiness and care… they should never be the sole provider.

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What have you done, just for you, today?

Are you nurturing your own hobbies and interests?

Do you value your alone time?

Trust me, my dear, your relationship will thank you for it!

Looking forward to your comments on this weeks LOVE LETTER! xx

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What makes a relationship last forever?

What is the deciding factor in relationships that go the distance and those that don’t? No matter what status you would file your relationship under, ‘happy’ , ‘okay’, ‘on the rocks’ or ‘its complicated’, you can build a partnership that is no just surviving, but THRIVING and one that can truly go the distance. Even the happiest of partnerships, require sustained effort in order to stay that way.

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Discover Relationship Saving, Connection Boosting, Date Nights

 

Ahhhh “Date Nights”, it’s the calling card of most relationship experts and magazine fodder to couples who are struggling to connect.
 
Sure, you started out on this road side by side, and then life does what life does.  Careers take off,  layoffs happen, family members get ill, bills mount, adorable kids rampage, after school activities take over, and first, you met those challenges together.  Then, needs must, and you split your resources to head off to put out one fire or another whilst the other did the same and now, you feel so very far apart, you’re not sure how you are ever going to meet in the middle and connect again

 
Photo by  rawpixel  on  Unsplash

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

 

Date nights DO work! 

Quality time is indeed remedy. Emphasis on the QUALITY.

And on some nights, a blissful night of watching your fav shows will suffice however in this weeks LOVE LETTER I want to offer you up some serious supercharge ideas to true connection that will traverse the chasm and endear you and your partner to each other much more significantly.
 
For most of us, date nights are stolen dinners out, hopefully not looking at our phones, and often fraught with keeping the convo engaged and inspired.  We promise to NOT talk about the kids, or work but then… WTAF is there left to talk about?!?
 
 
 
Let’s take this whole DATE NIGHT concept, and dust off the cobwebs!

 
Photo by  Isaiah McClean  on  Unsplash
 

Studies have shown that when people participate in an activity together, a unique bond that is formed.  And BOND is powerful connection.

Bronze star to activities you already both enjoy together.

Silver star if one partner is introducing a passion to another.

And holy smoke level gold stars for activities that are new to both partners!
 

Dance class is a classic, heck, many a rom-com has even featured it HOWEVER there is so much more than that cliché date night to be had.

 

 
AJ Garcia via Unpslash.com

AJ Garcia via Unpslash.com

 

Here are some shiny star ideas to jump start you into your very next date night!  From those that cost the big bucks to some that cost little to nothing.


Grab each other close, & set date night mode to EXPLORE;
 

  •     Cooking Classes

  •     Cocktail making classes

  •     Lectures

  •     Personal Development Courses

  •     Music Lessons

  •     Walking Tour of Your City

  •     Museum Tours

  •     Surf Lessons

  •     Race Car Driving Experiences

  •     Zip Line Experience

  •     Continuing Education Courses

  •     Kite Surfing Lesson

  •     Fishing Day Trip

  •     Art classes

  •     Boudoir Photo-shoot

  •     Golf Driving Range Night

 
 

 

We want to curate date nights that give us more to talk about and/or create magical moments of play and laughter and/or bond us as we are first timers together. 

I know some of the above ideas, will be a trifecta for many of you!

Now, take the above, let your fingers to the walking on Google, check out groupon, and even your local town hall board and supercharge your next date night.

 
 
Which heart connecting idea will you choose?  comment below!

 

P.S.  And to all my fab singletons reading this... erm HELLLLLO  great 3rd, 4th and 5th date ideas that pack some serious connection punch right here!   Begin as you mean to go on, dearest ones. xx

 
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The Big THREE Relationships Types; Which one do YOU think healthiest?

An interesting topic keeps arising with both my Relationship Coaching clients, the brave couples and empowered individuals who are in relationships AND my Love Coaching clients, the incredible fierce women who are out there in the wilds of the dating jungle.

 

What is a healthy relationship?

 

 

Whilst there are as many ways to flesh out the many facets and unique paths towards a ‘healthy relationship’ there are a few basic fundamental points that are universal and if we want the journey of love and partnership to thrive and be a well paved smooth road, we need to navigate the three primary relationships highways, with great care.

 

Image credit: stephane delval  via unpslash.com

Image credit: stephane delval  via unpslash.com

One of the basic principals of coaching, for me the coach, is to never assume you know, what I know.  Confession time!  I don’t always get that right.   And over the last few weeks, it’s become apparent that this very topic is one of the ways, I’ve fallen down, as a coach.  And today, I RECTIFY THAT!  WOOT!

 

 

There are three major categories that relationships (and most people who engage with ANY kind of relationship) fall into; Independent, Co-dependent and Interdependent.

 

This is not one of those millennial races, where every one get’s a prize… there is one clear winner for the best and healthiest type of engagement in relationships. 

In today’s LOVE LETTER I am going to present the big three, and YOU, dearest one, are going to tell me, what you think is the #1 health winner.  Hop on, LET’S RIDE!

 

CO-DEPENDENT:

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Co-dependent relationships are one of the most common ailments I come across in my coaching practice. 

 

Here is the dictionary definition of CO-DEPENDANT.

Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

 

Right now, you might be thinking OH SNAP, BEEN THERE BOUGHT THE T SHIRT!

Or you might be saying, Hey drug addiction>? Mental health?  That’s not been my relationship experience!

 

Let me  drill down on the simpler yet deeper explanation of co-dependency.

I am only okay, if you are okay.

My well being is directly influenced by your well being.

I am not sure where I end, and you begin.

 

 

Co-dependent relationships are toxic for ALL who are involved, it enables the person we are trying to fix and it stifles our own happiness and ability to self create happiness from within.

 

INDEPENDENT:

 

Dictionary definition of INDEPENDENT = Free from outside control.  Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

 

Whilst this does affect more of my single Love Coaching clients, it’s also not uncommon with those in relationships.  Independence is not a bad thing. In fact this feminist LOVES her some independence! Hellllo free from outside control! YASSS!

HOWEVER when we are using independence to self sustain 100% because we are convinced others will disappoint us, OR we feel that no one can be relied upon to do the job and/or do it right AND/OR  in general are using independence to shield our own control issues… we lose out on allowing others to provide for us. 

Human beings often connect most meaningfully in the exchange of love and through acts of contribution.   If we are too independent to truly receive from others, we in effect make them redundant.  And most people want to feel they play an active, impactful role on others lives.  That they can contribute sustenance, whether that be emotional, mental, spiritual or even financial. 

People are generally drawn to go where they are needed most. In fact, that’s often how we define a ‘good person’.

 

INTERDEPENDENT:

image credit: Evertone Vila via Unsplash.com

image credit: Evertone Vila via Unsplash.com

Definition = mutually dependent; depending on each other creating a framework of partnership.

My personal definition for independent?  I want AND need you in my life, but not to have a life.  

 

Interdependent relationships mean relying on each other for mutual support.  Adding to someone’s happiness, however not being the sole font for that person’s happiness. We are open to give and receive within healthy boundaries, where asked, where appropriate whilst still allowing and even expecting self-sufficiency, too. Interdependent t partnerships do not necessarily mean everything is split down the middle 50/50, but instead means that each individuals assets and limitations are valued and utilized for an overall sense of equality. 

 

You can be in an interdependent relationship where one spouse is the overall ‘bread winner’ whilst the other spouse is provides the highly valuable ( yet wildly un monetized) service of childcare.  In a healthy interdependent relationships, those roles do not have to correlate with traditional gender roles, and yet they still can, if that is what works best for your relationship. 

 

You can be in an interdependent relationship and still put concerted effort in to brightening your partners day, or booking those concert tickets you know will bring them joy but you don’t feel you HAVE to do those things in order to be liked, loved desired by your partner OR that if you don’t ‘make them happy’ they won’t BE happy.

 

 

 

I do hope the above offers you a very clear and easy to apply standard for relationships. 

 

POP QUIZ!!!

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IS THE WINNER FOR HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP OF THE YEAR? 

And, where do you see where you have been curating, participating and harming yourself and others in your past relationship?  OR, your current one, my dear? 

 

 

Can’t wait to hear your responses in the comments!

 

 

xx

 

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