relationship goals

Are you TWO bickering your way through the holidays, again?

The holidays can be rife with bickering, arguments and disappointment with our partners. The stress levels of trying to have ‘the best Christmas ever’ or winning the approval from the in laws come Hanukah, mixed in with running kids to even more activities than normal, buying the absolutely perfect gifts for every one on your list, end of year meetings and reports by the sleigh load at the office, all while putting on your best sparkling party dress for dinners and drinks(!!) truly exasperates the cracks and wounds in our partnerships.

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Happy F’ ing Holidays to one and all, right?

Ahem. Notice I used the words exasperates? Not creates?

Stress puts humans into survival mode. And in survival mode, our masks drop. Because, ain’t nobody got time for that. Old hurts, festering resentments bubble to the surface, unfettered by our normal level of control.

We lose out temper more easily. Our frustration levels skyrocket. And Bickering can become arguments to door busting fights in the blink of an eye.

The good news? Aside from some serious Zen Buddhist holiday makers (of whom I have yet to meet),

IT HAPPENS TO US ALL AT THIS TIME OF THE YEAR!


Then we do something incredible regretful. We open the door to shame, and invite it to our holiday party. We berate ourselves and our partners with phrases like… It’s Christmas For heavens sake! Or “Can’t we just have ONE holiday season without doing this??! , Really? You want to ruin the holiday season, again??

So how can we get better at this? How can we lean into the acceptance that stress is exasperating our emotional state without said exasperation taking over, and yelling like a banshee OR spending days doing silent treatment?


I want to offer up two concepts to help you navigate this holiday season with more compassion and place happiness under your tree.

First up…

CONFIRMATION BIAS:

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Confirmation Bias is where we have already decided something is true, and then seek out, both consciously and unconsciously the evidence that supports our theory.

 

We say, “He’s ALWAYS late to get the kids!”  And so, what do we focus in on?  The two times he picked them up on time? Or the four he was late?  When we are in confirmation bias mode, we won’t even be able to see the two times he got it right.  All we seek, and therefore see, are the four times, he did not.

 

When we believe “Every Christmas, she gets so crazy, I can’t stand it!”  We wait, quietly, patiently like that creepy Elf On The Shelf, popping out with a mighty AHA!! GOTCHA!!! When she comes in with yet another box of expensive Christmas baubles or snaps at the kids whilst decorating the tree. 

 

In Confirmation Bias Mode, we are blind to the moments and events, where our partner behaved in total contradiction to this belief we are holding.

Confirmation Bias antagonizes our old resentments and annoyances about our partner.

 

Next up…

MINDFULNESS:

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We want to become way more mindful about our language. The language we use in our own heads, first.

Words like ALWAYS, NEVER, EVERY TIME, NOBODY, EVERY BODY are red light indicators we are formulating a limiting belief. These all encompassing, finite words make our emotions, what we FEEL LIKE sound all too factual.

ALWAYS late to grab the kids?

EVERY Christmas she gets crazy?

The reality is… it’s not ALWAYS, OR EVERY TIME, OR NEVER, OR EVERY BODY… but it can sure feel that way. And when we confirm those feelings with language, we are primed for a good fight.

Let us, at this wonderful time of the year, try to foster more goodwill in our partnerships. To spread more cheer to one another.

I’m rooting for you both to win, my darlings. Now, let’s get you rooting that way too!

p.s. Can you imagine if you applied the above, to a fraction of the family that drives you mad EVERY December?!?! ;) WOWZA!

Happy Holidays from me and the hubba hubba! xx

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What makes a relationship last forever?

What is the deciding factor in relationships that go the distance and those that don’t? No matter what status you would file your relationship under, ‘happy’ , ‘okay’, ‘on the rocks’ or ‘its complicated’, you can build a partnership that is no just surviving, but THRIVING and one that can truly go the distance. Even the happiest of partnerships, require sustained effort in order to stay that way.

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Discover Relationship Saving, Connection Boosting, Date Nights

 

Ahhhh “Date Nights”, it’s the calling card of most relationship experts and magazine fodder to couples who are struggling to connect.
 
Sure, you started out on this road side by side, and then life does what life does.  Careers take off,  layoffs happen, family members get ill, bills mount, adorable kids rampage, after school activities take over, and first, you met those challenges together.  Then, needs must, and you split your resources to head off to put out one fire or another whilst the other did the same and now, you feel so very far apart, you’re not sure how you are ever going to meet in the middle and connect again

 
Photo by  rawpixel  on  Unsplash

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

 

Date nights DO work! 

Quality time is indeed remedy. Emphasis on the QUALITY.

And on some nights, a blissful night of watching your fav shows will suffice however in this weeks LOVE LETTER I want to offer you up some serious supercharge ideas to true connection that will traverse the chasm and endear you and your partner to each other much more significantly.
 
For most of us, date nights are stolen dinners out, hopefully not looking at our phones, and often fraught with keeping the convo engaged and inspired.  We promise to NOT talk about the kids, or work but then… WTAF is there left to talk about?!?
 
 
 
Let’s take this whole DATE NIGHT concept, and dust off the cobwebs!

 
Photo by  Isaiah McClean  on  Unsplash
 

Studies have shown that when people participate in an activity together, a unique bond that is formed.  And BOND is powerful connection.

Bronze star to activities you already both enjoy together.

Silver star if one partner is introducing a passion to another.

And holy smoke level gold stars for activities that are new to both partners!
 

Dance class is a classic, heck, many a rom-com has even featured it HOWEVER there is so much more than that cliché date night to be had.

 

 
AJ Garcia via Unpslash.com

AJ Garcia via Unpslash.com

 

Here are some shiny star ideas to jump start you into your very next date night!  From those that cost the big bucks to some that cost little to nothing.


Grab each other close, & set date night mode to EXPLORE;
 

  •     Cooking Classes

  •     Cocktail making classes

  •     Lectures

  •     Personal Development Courses

  •     Music Lessons

  •     Walking Tour of Your City

  •     Museum Tours

  •     Surf Lessons

  •     Race Car Driving Experiences

  •     Zip Line Experience

  •     Continuing Education Courses

  •     Kite Surfing Lesson

  •     Fishing Day Trip

  •     Art classes

  •     Boudoir Photo-shoot

  •     Golf Driving Range Night

 
 

 

We want to curate date nights that give us more to talk about and/or create magical moments of play and laughter and/or bond us as we are first timers together. 

I know some of the above ideas, will be a trifecta for many of you!

Now, take the above, let your fingers to the walking on Google, check out groupon, and even your local town hall board and supercharge your next date night.

 
 
Which heart connecting idea will you choose?  comment below!

 

P.S.  And to all my fab singletons reading this... erm HELLLLLO  great 3rd, 4th and 5th date ideas that pack some serious connection punch right here!   Begin as you mean to go on, dearest ones. xx

 
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Have you put your own oxygen mask on first, in your relationship?!?

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