Do you know your LOVE attachment style? Are you avoiding love in dating & relationships? YIKES!

Lately, I’ve been digging in a bit again, around 'attachment' styles. WOW, is this really fascinating stuff!

Over the next couple of weeks I will be guiding you through a brief introduction to these various attachment styles, so you can begin to identify your own default style, rumble with how that’s effecting both your search for love AND how you are engaging in your current relationship + how to begin to change up your attachment style for better results in love and relationships.

YES. You read that right.  These next few blogswill be invaluable to those who are still looking for love AND those fighting to keep love! 

Attachment styles, is our natural default engagement with attraction, attachment and love.

Attachment styles, directly influence who we choose, how we interpret feelings of love, how we respond to love and how we show love.

There are three major attachment styles, Anxious, Avoidant and Secure.

Oh, and this is NOT one of those contests, where everybody gets a prize.  There is ONE DEFINITIVE attachment style that is THE BEST. That when we are OR overlay this particular type we have better, longer lasting, happier and more fulfilled relationships!  So stay tuned, throughout this series, dearest ones!

First up… the AVOIDANT Attachment Style!

The Avoidant attachment style is REALLY interesting.

The avoidant style always manifests itself. Which is to say, it requires some proactive thought or action, even if only subconsciously to consistently be maneuvering to keep people, and partners at an arm’s length.  The Avoidant attachment style, determines to a great degree what you expect from relationships, how you engage with romantic situations, how you interpret what prospective and actual partners want from you and want to give to you.

The Avoidant often self-identify as ‘free spirits’ and they view ‘NEEDS’, especially needing other people, as a weakness. The avoidant will tend to repress emotions instead of expressing them.  When someone takes a step closer to them, offering connection, intimacy and even safety, the avoidant will take two steps back. 

Here is the super abbreviated version of what you really need to know;

1. We come across them SO MUCH whilst dating because they are the largest population of the dating pool.. they avoid relationships, so stay single and dating longer and/or have a higher turn over in relationships, hence dipping in and out of the dating pool more often. (#ghosting #mixedmessages #saytheywantarelationshipthensaytheydont)

2. Avoidant can be a secondary attachment style, many of us adopt and lay over our natural attachment style as a survival skill. We come to believe, maybe after being hurt in love or due to abandonment or instability (as example) in our childhoods that self-reliance and avoiding attachment is the safer option. This self-reliance is fear based, so please don't confuse it with independence. It ain't, doll. I often witness women brandish 'I don't need a partner/I love my single status' as a shield (and a mask) which is not truly authentic OR helpful, if it comes from a place of fear and ego! And by 'witness', I mean I've also seen it in the mirror too! 😲

For those in relationships, we may have been hurt by our current partner, so we recede into the depths and into our fortresses, avoiding intimacy and vulnerability, for protection.  Again, if we are engaging with love from a place of anger, resentment and fear...then we‘re not engaging with love, at all. If our partners actions are forgivable, we need to forgive and if they aren’t, if there is no love left on the table worth fighting for, it may be time to stop digging and move on.

3. For those of us with a more anxious attachment style (more on that later) we are often drawn to and fall for the Avoidant because we confuse the highs and lows of our anxiety attachment with the feeling of 'falling in love'. Avoidants are the worst attachment style for Anxious types, as they cannot offer us the stability we require to feel safe. And yet, when we meet Secure attachment folks, because the frenetic energy of our own anxiety attachment, the crazy highs and lows, are not activated we think there is no 'spark'. Hellllo vicious cycle!

Fascinating stuff. And a bit of a head scramble, but in a good way! 🤣

Here are a few quick tips to help move you forward through and beyond The Avoidant Attachment Style.

How do we ‘avoid’ Avoidants whilst dating? 

Abundance is a top technique for dodging avoidants. The more people we date, the more active we are on meeting new people, the more likely we will get in front of people who do not have the avoidance attachment style. Of course really understanding and accepting our own attachment style, what we really NEED in a relationship (versus what we want sometimes) is they super duper ninja move.

Yikes, I may be in a committed relationship with an avoidant, are we doomed?

NO.  The Avoidant attachment style, like any other attachment style, can change.  Sometimes, they really want to love us, and the wall inside of them is blocking them, as much as it is you.  Threatening, badgering or making demands of an avoidant, is the worst possible tactic. They scare easy, no matter how tough they may act.  If you can consistently offer them safety, they will step out of the fortress.  This won’t happen overnight or even after a week of trying.  This is a long game, my dear.  Once you have created an atmosphere of safety, you can logically lay out how their behaviour makes you feel and tell them specifically what they can do to support and love you better. Think of it as saying “we’re here. Would you like to go there with me?  This is how we can get there together and it would be most helpful if YOU did X, Y, Z for us to get there.”

Uh oh, I am an Avoidant… now what?

There is a whole lotta work to do around changing and tempering your attachment style. KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!  We can absolutely overlay other attachment styles, over our default. We can zig, when your attachment style is telling us to ZAG.  We can choose partners who offer a secure attachment style. If we are in a relationship, and we can see how our own avoidance is creating damage, we can have a brave conversation with our partners, let them know how we operate and what we need (scary word for the avoidant) from them to help us try to do better at giving and receiving love.

Later this week, I will be reviewing the Anxious attachment style, so stay tuned!

Attachment styles is a well researched area of human engagement and connection;  covering it ALL in a blog, will never be possible.  Helping individuals and couples understand, accept and move forward with their attachment styles is part of the deeper work I do with my private clients. 

There are many MANY books on this however one I have come to rely on is 'ATTACHED, by Dr Amir Levine & Rachel Heller'.  #recommendedreading

xx 💘

#attachmentstyles #avoidantattachmentstyle #dating #relationships #betterrelationships #choosingbetterpartners #love

Common Stumbling Blocks And Hurdles On The Path To LOVE

This week, we are discussing one of the larger stumbling blocks and hurdles, to moving forward in finding and attracting love…. OUR PASTS!

Past heartbreak, past partners, bad relationships, betrayal of trust, dysfunctional model relationships in our childhood are just a few of the larger ‘ghosts of love past’ I’ve seen blocking too many women from engaging with new love

Sometimes the past, is more recent.  We have had a long string of dud dates over the last two years OR we have been wandering the desert, miles & miles (years & years) and NOT a drop/date to drink!

Sometimes in our past we have experienced deep trauma.

Perhaps the most common tale of love past that is stopping women dead in their tracks from moving forward with love, is a past relationship.   Recently I was in a session with a one of my amazing private clients, and her EX made yet another appearance in the conversation, metaphorically speaking of course.   

This relationship, and the pain of the breakup was like a ghost haunting her every move.  FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!!!  She really loved this man, thought he was ‘the one’ and for the last eight years, she has allowed comparison and fear to keep almost everyone other person, at an arm’s length.  In fact, over the last eight years, only 3 people had come even remotely close to being in her hearts direct sphere.  And I do mean ‘REMOTELY’,  because really, they never stood a chance.   How could they, when she has been dragging the dead body of her last relationship with her, everywhere she goes? 

Grrl, it’s time to bury that ex’s body far away from your home and heart.  How can we live with the stink of that rotting corpse in the closet? 

We can’t!

Another client, told me (and herself) over and over “I can’t do relationships because I don’t know what a healthy one looks like” because her own parents relationship was definitely not one to model.   

Why are we allowing our parents relationship to define how we interact with love, today? Why have we assumed ownership of their relationship filled with mistakes and pain, as our own?  And, Is that statement ‘I don’t know what a healthy relationships looks like’, really true? 

Once we dug out that limiting belief out, and really examined it, turns out she had MANY people around her that were in healthy relationships AND she actually had a very clear and healthy definition of what a relationship should look like!   She couldn’t see it, because the statement “I can’t do relationships because I don’t know what a healthy relationships” blinded her from looking at what was right in front of her all along! 

And your broken heart?  Ya know, the one you locked away up in the tower, safe and secure, all those years ago?   Oh lady. She is rattling her cage, SCREAMING to get out!

The heart has four functions.

1.     To pump blood.

2.     To love

3.     To be loved

4.     To be broken

She isn’t afraid of heartbreak because she KNOWS she has the incredible ability to heal AND that she must serve her purpose, all four of them to carry on.  She wears her battle scars like exquisite tattoos, proudly!

For some of us, the past has been very traumatic. 

We have experienced, sexual assault, molestation, child abuse, addiction and mental illness in our families or within our-self , for example.  And these issues do come up for some of the women I work with, and I help them, find the help they require. I offer empathy and compassion necessary to seed the hope.  If this is you.  Please know, you are not alone. You are not irrevocably broken, that there is a way forward.  If you have some psychologically traumatic events in your past, please do not allow the stigma in your heart or the chorus of nasty voices sniping in your head, convince you away from seeking and receiving professional help, you deserve. You are worthy of forgiveness, of love of recovery from this trauma.

Photo by Mohammad Faruque on Unsplash

Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you that knowing look and now drop that one-liner, fix all on you, ‘Hey babes, you need to LET IT GO’ 

Because it’s going to a lot more than an email and us humming the song from Frozen, to do that.  

In order for us to let ANY of our past go, we must first accept it happened.  

Rumble with, reconcile and own, the cold hard truth of what happened, when and where.  No fluff, no denial, just honestly and openly, admit & accept, that it happened. Only then, can we be in a place to surrender this experience.  I mean, If I am going to let something go, or turn it over… I better know exactly what I’m letting go of, right?? 

Then, we need hope. We need to come to believe, there is life beyond it. 

That we don’t need this experience, this heartbreak, ex, or even trauma to define who we are, and how we move through the world.  What would your life be like, if you no longer had these ghosts whispering in your ear?  How would you feel?  Lighter? Happier? More willing to love and be loved?   

Now, you’re  going to need some help.  

Letting go, is never a one woman show.  We need to have someone or something, we trust enough, to hand this past over to, so we can walk away and forward.  Is it a best friend? A parent? A therapist? A coach? A higher power? If we are going to turn this experience in to the lost and found, and be done with it… we need a lost and found office! So we can rock up, drop it off. AND GO!

Lastly you will need TRUST. 

Trust is, I am safe with you.  Trust is, I am safe with me. 

Trust is built by the smallest actions, brick by brick.  Often, we have lost trust in ourselves and others.  What areas of your life do you still trust yourself in?  To do the right thing?  To make the best decisions?  Who do you trust, that always has your best interest at heart?  Who always offers you kindness and love?  Lay out the evidence. 

You may FEEL like you can’t trust yourself or anyone, but dearest one…

FEELINGS AREN’T FACT.  BOOM! 

Lay out the evidence, chances are, you do still trust yourself and others, your emotions are just clouding the facts. 

My darling, YOU are the captain of your own ship. 

What has happened in the past, is done. There is no going back and changing it.  HOWEVER you have absolute POWER and a direct RESPONSIBILITY for WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.  You. This life,  is YOUR SHIP now. 

Take the helm.  It’s a new day, sail forward into that sunrise!

Photo by Max Poschau on Unsplash

Attain THE cornerstone to LOVE

Oh my, this week’s topic applies to ALL of us. 

This week’s Love Letter is focused intently on the very cornerstone that any search for love or attempts to nurture love, rests upon. 

Our individual level of self-esteem.

photo credit; Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
 

We cannot have meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with other human beings, if we first do not have a meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with ourselves. 

Doubt, distrust, resentment, anger, fear, unclear communications, poor conflict resolution, are all typical symptons of low self-esteem.  Whilst empowerment, confidence, goodwill and yes, LOVE… need the fertile soil of high self-esteem in which to take root and grow!

Before we dive in, allow me to clarify, from the very start, some of the confusion around Self Esteem. 

Many of us think that Confidence and Self Worth (or self-esteem) are one in the same.  Let’s pull those two things apart, right now.

Confidence is our outward bravery. 

Confidence is the value we wish to show the rest of the world and what is reflected back to us. Confidence can be called upon in the moment, we can pep talk ourselves into confidence before you walk into that big meeting at the office or showing u p for the first day of a course, or before walking into social situations and event. 

WARNING. Confidence is TEMPORARY. 

That’s okay, temporary is what confidence does best.  It just means confidence has an expiration date.  That expiration date, is directly triggered by our self-esteem.

SELF-ESTEEM is our inner bravery.  

Self -Esteem (or Self-Worth) is how we truly value ourselves, for ourselves. It can also be how we believe we are valued on a universal level.  Are we deserving? Are we a good person?  Exactly how smart, funny, kind, beautiful do WE believe we are?   No one can define our self-worth, our internal value, but us. 

The more self-esteem we have, the longer and more genuine our confidence (the projection of that value) lasts.

Self-esteem is an issue that arises for every person I speak with and coach.  EVERY PERSON. Regardless of relationship status.

Photo by Jared Erondu on Unsplash

So how do we garner higher self-esteem?  The simplest answer to that is do to estimable things.  Acts of contribution, giving, care and love worthy of great respect.  

So… okay, how what exactly does THAT look like? 

When 'the patient comes' to me, complaining of, or displaying low self-esteem, the very first thing I do is check the their vitals.

I ask them, what do they do to love and care for themselves?  What estimable acts, what actions of self-love and self care is part of their DAILY practice? 

For some, the concept of self-care and self-love is alien.  For others, these concepts though familiar, have been cut away.

Sometimes, life gets hectic. Careers, relationships, dating, heartbreak, kids, aging parents, and for way too many of us, the first person to be bumped down the priority list, is US!  Acts of kindness and care for ourselves get cancelled out of the diary, put off to tomorrow or next week. 

We can’t make that yoga class this week.  No time for guided mediation, need to read this research instead. We find ourselves skipping meals;  no time for breakfast, totally forget to eat lunch or devour something fast and not so healthy at our desks.   Sleep becomes elusive. No time to see friends, too much on our mind to have a giggle.  Our hobbies, that give us such pleasure and joy, maybe next week!  Holidays, museum days, going for long walks in the countryside… they’ll have to wait too. We’re just to busy; such and such needs my attention, so and so needs my care, this and that needs to get done! It will have to wait,  I WILL HAVE TO WAIT!

We are so busy caring for others, meeting our boss's needs, our partners, our children, taking yet another call from a client, a heartbroken friend, or the school, or our parent.  We lose any regular practice of self-love. We find ourselves, our happiness and pleasure first on the sacrificial alter. 

Yes.  Caring for others, making a contribution to the world around us, both small and large are crucial estimable acts HOWEVER today, I want to challenge you... to bump yourself to to the tippy top of the priority list!

We simply cannot go out into the world, with our pitcher filled with water, pouring it out wherever we go, without making sure we are regularly filling it up again, and again.

So here is my challenge to you, if you choose to accept it, that WILL help you garner higher self esteem in just 7 days!!!

photocredit; Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Challenge Phase 1:

Make a list of at least 10 items you know are acts of self-care and self-love for you, and you alone.

Ten actions that bring you calm, happiness, wellbeing, pleasure and physical and mental health.

(this could be... yoga, reading a good book, long walk in the countryside, chocolate, spa day, running, facials, fav pod cast, coaching, time with nephews and nieces, spin class, jumping in the sea, fancy meal out, antiquing, live music, positive affirmations, therapy, lunch in the sunshine, open mic nights, and on and on and on!)

Challenge Phase 2:

Take some time here and line by line, item by item, make a numerical notation next to each item that correspond with how many times you actually participated and partook in each of these estimable acts of self care.. in the last 14 days.  

Ex. Here is my personal list.

1.     Ride my motorcycle (0)

2.     Yoga/Pilates. (1)

3.     Meditation (1)

4.     A day at the seaside (2)

5.     Dinner or coffee with friends (1)

6.     Ice cream (!!) (2)

7.     Going out for comedy/theatre (0)

8.     Getting a Massage (1)

9.     Bicycle ride (1)

10.  Getting out of the office every day (3)

Challenge Phase 3: 

Take out your calendar/diary and schedule in SOMETHING every day. 

It doesn’t have to be an hour yoga class… maybe 15 minutes on a Yoga app before bed?  It may not be 30 minutes of mediation at 7am, but instead a sleep mediation you find on youtube you use at bedtime.  It may not be dinner with friends, but scheduling in a 10 minute phone call to your bestie for a giggle. 

Intentionally CARVE out 5 minutes on one day,  20 minutes on another, 1-2 hours on a Sunday.. whatever it takes to implement even the smallest act of self care, EACH DAY.   It’s high time, you make YOU the first stop on the self esteem your, and fill that pitcher.

Maybe you don’t have a top 10!?!   Maybe you have never EVER considered yourself, your needs, your desires, your care as a priority?  Maybe you’re not even sure what makes you happy? 

WELCOME dearest one.   You're in the right place!

I challenge you to come up with a list, let your fingers to the walking on google “What is self love?”,  carve out those same blocks in your dairy with the notation ‘Find my joy!’ and “Self care’. Go out and experiment till you find your Top 10 list!

Challenge Phase 4: 

Comment below your lists!  This will also provide those who are struggling to come up with 10 self care acts with a fodder of ideas to try, so you get some points for contribution!  Oooooh!

Post how you got on with putting you towards the top of that priority list this coming week! 

Let me know how you are feeling AND how you believe this has effected your interactions and ability to contribute with and to others in your path!

I do hope you accept this 7 day Self-Esteem Challenge and boost that self esteem by engaging with some real kindness, care and joy for yourself... as it will revolutionize how you find, attract, give and receive LOVE!

Curating Confidence In Dating, LIKE A BOSS.

You present such fierce confidence at work, with friends, your take charge wonder woman attitude smashes most everyday challenges with such ease and yet… when it comes to the world of love and dating, that inner rock star has gone MIA.

And, I know it’s been savage out there in the dating world lately.  You’ve gone on a zillion 1st dates or maybe haven’t even made it past the online dating message phase to get out on a date.  And with each miss, your confidence plummets a few steps further down a black hole.

I hear it all day long, ‘confidence’ is the top item on almost every woman’s TO DO list, when it comes to finding and attracting love.

Confidence is our outer bravery.  It’s how we translate the way we feel about ourselves on the inside to those around us, how we show our self-worth on our sleeve.  Unlike self-worth, we can put on confidence like an off the rack dress, fairly easy, TEMPORARILY.  And temporary is okay.  Temporary is what confidence does best.  It just means confidence has an expiration date.  That expiration date, is triggered by our real time self-esteem. 

The more self esteem (or self worth) we have on the inside, the brighter and longer our confidence shines on the outside. Think of self worth as the fuel we add to the fire we burn whenever we meet someone new.  Building up higher self worth, is absolutely possible, and a HUGE part of the work I do with my private clients, but it takes time, practice and some hard graft.  Today, we are going to zoom in and focus on CONFIDENCE.

We can indeed turn up the volume on our confidence, at will, even before we deep dive into up leveling our self esteem.

The following is a very short, and very sweet TWO STEP technique that you can start using today, in the very moments you pick up your phone to swipe away AND when you head out to that first date.

The Confidence Mantra

STEP ONE:  THE END GAME

Take a few minutes here to think about what is the best-case scenario of this interaction, whether that be in person on a date, heading out to a group outing or event where you could meet someone OR simply clicking on your online dating app. 

*WARNING*  The correct answer to this is NOT “Meet the love of my life/future partner/the one/soulmate!!!   Ease off that pressure valve, dearest one!  

When I say best case scenario for this date/message/event, what I mean is HOW CAN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES or even THE NEXT FEW HOURS go really REALLY well?   What would be a fantastic first date?  What would it sound like? Look like? Smell like?

Maybe, that ideal first date for you, would look like…

We have a good time, laugh hard, eat some amazing food and the conversation flows nice and easy. There is a spark and the date ends with us both thinking and saying, we want to see each other again. 

Notice, it was not focused on what the other person was going to be, but instead on the time you were going to create with each other?  Focus on what #winning would like for this one interaction.

Also, there was no ‘love at first sight’ crazy talk.  We need to keep it real AND yet still positive & gorgeous. 

We do not want to walk in with super low expectations either like…

I hope he/she has a pulse. I hope I don’t want to stick them in the eye with my fork halfway through our meal…

Yup, I’ve been on those dates too, lady!

So now, let's phrase up this first step…

“We are going to laugh hard, have some yummy food, flowing convo and at the end, both of us can’t wait to see each other again!”

all photo via unpslash

STEP TWO; Show up in your Sunday best.

We want to show up, positively shining!  Whether that be on a date, via a message sent online or at a local meetup. We have so much to offer that special someone, so very much to contribute to a real loving relationship.   Tell me what you’re working with mama!

I want you to take a few minutes here to think of THREE things YOU are bringing to the table on this interaction. 

It can be ANYTHING…  your special brand of witty humor, your Star Wars nerd extraordinaire status, your incredibly kind listening skills, Open heart, Great laugh,  Fierce intellect,  Adulting like a boss, Thirst for adventure, Sharp political wit, your business saavy #bossgirl heat, and yes, even those damn fine legs you worked hard to get!  

ANY THREE THINGS YOU KNOW you have to offer.

Once you have them, let’s construct the second part of that confidence mantra so it sounds something like this…

“I am going to let THING 1, THING 2 and THING 3 shine bright tonight!  I will let them lead me like a beacon into a FAB night/date/message/event,  with this person! "

Now… tweak that shit.  Make it your own.  Your own words, your own tone.

OWN. IT.

Then… ready?

RECORD IT.

Either type it up as a note in your phone or a personal voice memo, that so you can play back whenever you need it, cause mantras are all in the repeat!  And we shall need to, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT as often as it takes to call up the light forces of our confidence!

My private clients LOVE this one, so brave up my lovely, try this technique out and let me know how you get on!   Not only will you feel better about you, confidence is a killer at attracting others to us, like bees!   Get buzzing!

And remember the wise words of Marianne Williamson as you two step your way through creating and using this mantra, my dear!   xx

Resilience In Dating 101

If you have spent any time out in the wilds of dating, you already know that rejection can be a very large part of finding and attracting love.

Then again, life is full of rejection is it not?

Rejection from jobs.

Rejections from universities.

Rejections from publishers.

Rejections from credit card companies.

Rejections from bosses for promotions.

Hell, even our own bank account can offer a big old DECLINED when we were just about to brave it up for that pair of leather pants, we never thought we could rock, until just now!

Brene Brown, whom I love to bits, states in the TedTalk, that when other people dare greatly to be seen, get rejected, fail and get back up… we call it courage. In fact, Ted Talks is like the failure club. Almost every person who gets on that stage tells us their own stories of rejection and failure. 

So why are we so filled with SHAME instead of COURAGE when it comes to rejection in our dating life?

Why are we so focused on those who would not and could not SEE US and LOVE US, that we often give up, take breaks and find it soul destroying in the arena of love?

Building up some serious resilience to rejection is crucial if we are to triumph!

I have some of my tops tips (and some of my own personal memes for you to keep close) to help build up your resilience to rejection, so when that date foes badly, when they never call, or ghost you mid message.. my darling, you can rise strong each and every time!

Rejection is a blessing, in disguise;

Be philosophical about it – now you are free  to find someone who adores you, admires your loveliness and brings out the best in you.  This is not YOUR loss. You are still offering an incredible gift, YOU.  Beautiful, caring, smart, sassy, funny, incredible YOU. Grab on to the gratitude that your gift was not wasted on someone who could not or would not appreciate it! 

Hit that NEXXXT button, babes!

Thanks for rejecting me;

Consider all the reasons they were wrong for you. This helps to move on emotionally.

Write a list if it helps.

Even if that list is simply; IF they can’t have the human decency or honesty to communicate they’re not interested, (AKA ghosting!) then they’re NOT someone you want to be in a relationship with, anyways!

Sometimes we have to spend a whole lot of time, energy and thought filtering out the wrong ones.. Thankfully, they often do it for us!!  YASSS!

LIVE AND LEARN;

Sometimes we receive constructive criticism and advice which can be used to improve upon ourselves. It doesn’t mean we’re defective but it’s always a good practice to live and learn

If you have an amicable relationship with the person who rejected you, ask them why!  I strongly advise either this be a person you were friends with before the dating OR someone who offered the rejection in an adult and kind manner. 

This one requires some bravery, I know you got!

It’s too easy, to let life smack us around a bit.

That is, until we realize, this is OUR LIFE.  And though it has many things in it that we cannot control, we always have full power over what happens next.

How we respond.  To the situation, the person, place or thing… even how we respond to our feelings, is within our power.

We can love it back or hate every minute of it. We can focus on all things we have not, or on what we do have.  What we have to lose OR what we have to gain.

We can live in the solution. Or stay surrendered to the suffering.

Every minute, of every day. The choice is ours.

Today. In this minute. I CHOOSE LOVE. I CHOOSE RISING STRONG. I CHOOSE BEING SEEN AND HEARD!

What will you choose?

How to dodge the post date FIZZLE ZONE!

Oh snap!  I’m addressing the dreaded post date ‘Fizzle Zone’ today!
 
The Feminista Seeks Love facebook group has been a buzz with this topic lately.
+
My private clients are always telling me the struggle is realAF.

Lucky for them and for YOU, I have just the cure for this well known woe!
 

And here you find yourself...

The hard work and swiping has paid off, you’ve met someone, hurrah! 
 
The date was fab.. check! 
 
They looked like their profile pic (hey now, not always a given)… check! 
 
You laughed, connected and sparks flew. CH’CH’CH’ECK!!
 
BOOM!  On to date two, right??
 
Um. Not so fast, my lovely. 
 
In our modern age, and with our fulfilled amazing lives, often the first few dates can stretch out over months, not weeks!  YIKES!
 
Maybe it’s you?  Jetting off to India for a couple of weeks? Business trips to the west coast? Best friends wedding has you maid of honoring like whoa for the next two weeks!?
 
Maybe it’s them?  They have a business trip? Their mothers 50th do up North?  or some other shenanigans that have them unavailable for the next few weeks?
 
Either way, locking in those subsequent dates, is proving tricky. 

Welcome to what can very quickly become THE FIZZLE ZONE. 

image credit; Pixabay

We’ve all been there. 

Stilted messages back and forth.  Awkward salutations and ‘how are you’ snooze fest attempts to connect, then slowly AND very surely, the spark gets snuffed out and you never get out on the next date.
 
Momentum is EVERYTHING in this life... however, legit, there's just no time for another face to face meeting in the next couple of weeks! 

So how do you keep up the momentum in the interim? 



Forget the who texts who first, lady.  We are well beyond that child’s play. 

I’m about to give some REAL TALK  on exactly HOW to keep your post date message game tight AND AND AND learn more about them while the weeks pass AND AND AND have fun!!!  Um, yes, This whole dating thing?!?! It supposed to be one of the best times of your life!! 

Crazy talk, right?  Not your experience? Let’s change that, today!
 
Messages that offer value, provoke thought, trigger the memory sensors, ignite playfulness, offer eye catching visual stimulation, prompt the mind to engage and fuel the desire to continue that engagement all the while creating those all important smiles...WIN EVERY TIME!
 
The following is a fountain of tips and tricks on sending messages that not only engage someone to keep that momentum going, but attract the right person to you.  
 
Wave goodbye to the tired old “Hey you”, “Whats up” and “How are you?” messages, cause we’re about to kill them with fire!


 
**WARNING**  DO NOT Google ‘Dating message ice breakers’.  The sheer volume of WTAF, creepazoid, hot mess that is those search results can not be unseen, lady!   Good thing, I have come up with a killer list of ideas, so you can be spared that untimely google death! YIKES!
 

Ready? Away we go!

 

Hot Tip #1
KEEP IT FUN, KEEP IT LIGHT, KEEP IT VALUABLE.

image credit; Pixabay

Don’t be ‘that person’ who offers no value.

Engagement begets engagement, and RELATIONSHIPS are all about offering value to each other.  Think about it, we want someone to share our lives with;  someone who brings with them more laughter, happiness and companionship to our world.
 
We need to be able to offer that as well.  

Not sure how to translate that into messages?  No worries, I got you.  In fact, the whole wide world has an endless fountain of next level engagement and value for you!
 
HELLLLLO 2017!  We are surrounded by extreme engagement content everywhere we look!  On social media, online, websites, Youtube, Giphy.com, our own phones that take amazing pics... heck, we need look no further than our very own timelines to find incredibly engaging content to pull from!



 

Hot Tip #2

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW

What did you two connect over on that first date?  What common interests did you share? 

Was it your shared love for running? So much laughter over who was the bigger excel nerd?  A lively debate over 80’s hair metal vs 70’s glam? Did you spend 20 minutes comparing notes of your favorite foodie spots?
 
Whatever it was, these initial connections are our hefty building blocks, and build on them we shall!

IDEA 1 – Send them a pic of your lunch.  Hey, food porn is called food porn for a reason. At one of your favorite foodie spots?  Snap a pic of your lunch and send it with a note “Told you Eddies Tacos’ were the best in the city.  Play your cards right, and I might just treat you to one of these bad boys on our next date”.
 
IDEA 2 – Snap a pic of your computer screens massive excel spreadsheet, send it off with “What do you know about Excel level ninja?!?”
 
IDEA 3 – Is your favorite running store having a mega sale?  Send them a link! + “Wow, mega sale happening @ the best shop EVER for running gear!  thought of you! Let me know if you score something sweet.”

IDEA 4- Send them a youtube link of your fav Guns & Roses video "Seriously? how can you deny the legend that is Sweet Child Of Mine?"

Hot Tip #3
Zoom in on ‘THEM’

image credit;  pixabay

Start with what they already told you about themselves.  Fav TV show?  Fav Band?  Upcoming trip they are going on? 

IDEA 1 – Head over to Giphy.com and grab a hilarious Simpsons Gif (or whatever TV show was their fav) and pop it into a message. 
 
IDEA 2 – Is their fav band playing nearby this summer? Grab a link to the article about it and send it along with a note “Hey, just wanted to make sure you saw this… THEY’RE COMING TO TOWN! WOOT!” 
 

IDEA 3 – The space between dates doesn’t mean we stop learning more about them as a person. Use an icebreaker that revealslike,  "I am inviting you to my desert island… you can only bring 3 items, what will you bring "

When we listen, retain what people say about themselves and ask them to know more, we create human connection.

Hot Tip #4
Zoom in on YOU

image credit; Unsplash

Yes, fierce YOU, gorgeous!

Try these on for size;

IDEA 1 – Use that in hand multimedia.  If you are indeed away on holiday, send them an image or video of the scenery or activities. Include a playful message, like “Oh snap, now THIS is where we should go on date 2!”
 
IDEA 2 – Did you see a video online that made you C R Y with laughter today?  Send it!  “This made my CRY with laughter, had to share.  Hope it brightens your day in the same way”.
 
IDEA 3 – Icebreak that shizzle!  "Here are three things about me, one of which is a lie.  Guess which is the lie?"  It's a classic, well curated,  icebreaker AND also a cheeky, fun way to prompt engagement AND they learn more about you!

Hot Tip #5
Next level "How are you today"

image credit; Giphy.com

Its not what you ask, its how you ask it.
 
IDEA 1 = “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being Clark Kent and 10 being Superman, how’s your day going?”
 
IDEA 2 – Maybe they’re off on a course which is why they couldn’t schedule date two, send  “Hey Mr. Smarty Cute Pants, how’s the course going?”

IDEA 3- Declare a GIF war... HOW YOU DOOOOIN'?

 
My darlings, my dears, take the above… tweak them, flesh them out, make then your own and kiss that uncomfortable go nowhere fast messaging of yesteryear, GOOD BYE!


(p.s. including appropriate yet moderate emoji usage, is always encouraged!)


Any questions?  The comment section is always open!  Looking forward to hearing from you. xx

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So... who's your bad ass wing WOMan?

“Empowered women, empower women”

 
It’s my personal battle cry, in life.
 
AND, the time worn advice, of having a wing woman, a trusted fab girlfriend to hit the town with, still works.

However, it can be really easy to get it wrong.  And a night out with the girls can become the very last environment to meet someone new, let alone with the potential to become that elusive love of our lives.

Here are a few tips to negotiating the Sex In The Cityesque coup,  of having the perfect wingwoman.
 
 
Wait a minute… How about we actually use those timeless fabulous ladies of Sex In The City to break this one down!?!   Oooooh, yes please!
 

Here they are, at the beloved train wreck beginnings of finding love in NYC!

Four women, living in one of the greatest cities of the world, (who of course, cause this is make believe TV land could afford great apartments and a killer shoe collection well beyond their means, but I digress) who navigated all the ups and downs possible in their searches for love.
 
What made them a killer team?  Each one was uniquely ‘killing it’ in their own right, career wise and personality wise.
 
From uninhibited Samantha, who seized every day (and every sexual encounter) like it was her last…
 
To Charlotte, the girl next door who never ever stopped believing in the fairytale.. 
 
To Miranda the smart, cynical realist kicking ass in her career and unwilling to settle in love.. 
 
To our beloved Carrie, who couldn’t make heads nor tales of dating but wasn’t afraid to admit it every week in her column.
 
These women, took on the meanest, leanest concrete jungle of love together, and won!
 
They also, never stopped being incredibly real with each other, which always makes for the best kind of friend to have.
 
But which one makes the best wing woman for you?


 

Miranda;

image credit; GIPHY

Witty, take no shit, Miranda. If you’re acting a fool, Miranda will tell you, loud and clear. We love AND need that. However, Miranda’s don’t always make the best wing women for a night on the town where finding love is the on the menu. Miranda came to spend some really precious time from her busy demanding career to be with her girls. She will not appreciate you spending half the night talking to that cutie who is whispering all the right ‘smash the patriarchy’ sweet things in your ear. Miranda doesn’t necessarily live her life by the ‘see what happens, go with the flow’ rules.  

Miranda’s CAN make a great wing Woman, however, she needs to know the deal up front, crystal clear. Don’t tell her it’s a girls night out to spend quality time… tell her, you need her to go with you to this networking ‘do’ where some like-minded potential partners hang out, cause you want to meet new people and are feeling a bit too nervous to go it alone. If she knows the score, she will be epic support. Bait and switch her with a ‘girls night out’, and she will NOT be having it, and her energy will rain all over your parade that night

Samantha;

image creit; GIPHY.com

Sexy, swing from the rafters, fun Samantha. She appears to be the perfect, high energy, ‘let’s do this’ wingWOman… however, Samantha brings her own special brand of crazy to a night out. Samantha’s have the charisma milkshake to bring all the people to the yard AND she is down for whatever, wherever, which is a huge plus in going out on the town. Samantha’s also can get lost in their own wants and needs, she is a bit of a magpie for all the shiny bits.

If you want a solid night of sisterly support, Samantha has the potential to bail on you in the first five minutes when something sparkly catch’s her eye.  She can interrupt a really great convo you might be having with someone, asking to head out to the next party.  Samantha’s can overtake the conversation with her own heady radiance and if she finds something or someone she likes POOF, she’s gone.

Samantha just needs a firm reminder of the ground rules too and to be carefully selected for the event, itself. She operates best in the wilder party atmosphere OR something more regimented but quirky that requires her special inhibition to boost your own, like tango classes!

Charlotte;

photo credit; GIPHY

Sweet, always there for us, glitter eyed Charlotte. Feeling like giving up on love? Been ghosted for the one thousand and eight time? Call Charlotte. She’ll lift you up to the sky with her never-ending positivity and belief in love. We all need a Charlotte in our life.

Need a partner in crime for a gallery opening? A business minded networking event? A yoga retreat? Out and about, and the negative gremlins are saying, ‘don’t even bother to go over there and talk to him’? Charlotte! Charlotte! Charlotte! 

Want to hit a dance all night party? A burlesque show? An alternative underground scene event? Um, nope. NOT Charlotte! She will spend most the night, dying to leave and bringing you down a bit with her. 

The best thing about Charlotte's, is they're always in wingWOMan mode, tripping the love fantastic!

Carrie;

credit; GIPHY.com

Funny, sassy, fashionista Carrie!  You need the real talk? Carrie’s got it, too! 

You need someone with a flexible enough personality (and wardrobe) to transcend the warehouse party or a trendy restaurant opening? Carrie! 

You want to try a personal development seminar, a co-ed bootcamp in the park or suited and booted business function? Carrie? Not so much.  

But here's the deal. Carrie, knows exactly what a jungle it is out there and Carrie knows exactly why this is so important to you. She’s the friend who reminds you most of you. She get’s you like no one else.  Also, Carrie is that friend that provides the relationship savvy to not just keeps the girl crew together but she actually has real experience in and out of relationships.  

Carrie has the track record of success and some pretty spectacular failures in love, which is GOLD DUST!

Having the self esteem to power out on a night solo is great however, HAVING FUN WHILST LOOKING FOR LOVE (oh yes, that's right... this is supposed to be FUN!)  may require some serious grrl powered back up!  Choose your wingWOMen wisely, lovelies!