This week, we are discussing one of the larger stumbling blocks and hurdles, to moving forward in finding and attracting love…. OUR PASTS!
Past heartbreak, past partners, bad relationships, betrayal of trust, dysfunctional model relationships in our childhood are just a few of the larger ‘ghosts of love past’ I’ve seen blocking too many women from engaging with new love
Sometimes the past, is more recent. We have had a long string of dud dates over the last two years OR we have been wandering the desert, miles & miles (years & years) and NOT a drop/date to drink!
Sometimes in our past we have experienced deep trauma.
Perhaps the most common tale of love past that is stopping women dead in their tracks from moving forward with love, is a past relationship. Recently I was in a session with a one of my amazing private clients, and her EX made yet another appearance in the conversation, metaphorically speaking of course.
This relationship, and the pain of the breakup was like a ghost haunting her every move. FOR THE LAST 8 YEARS!!! She really loved this man, thought he was ‘the one’ and for the last eight years, she has allowed comparison and fear to keep almost everyone other person, at an arm’s length. In fact, over the last eight years, only 3 people had come even remotely close to being in her hearts direct sphere. And I do mean ‘REMOTELY’, because really, they never stood a chance. How could they, when she has been dragging the dead body of her last relationship with her, everywhere she goes?
Grrl, it’s time to bury that ex’s body far away from your home and heart. How can we live with the stink of that rotting corpse in the closet?
Another client, told me (and herself) over and over “I can’t do relationships because I don’t know what a healthy one looks like” because her own parents relationship was definitely not one to model.
Why are we allowing our parents relationship to define how we interact with love, today? Why have we assumed ownership of their relationship filled with mistakes and pain, as our own? And, Is that statement ‘I don’t know what a healthy relationships looks like’, really true?
Once we dug out that limiting belief out, and really examined it, turns out she had MANY people around her that were in healthy relationships AND she actually had a very clear and healthy definition of what a relationship should look like! She couldn’t see it, because the statement “I can’t do relationships because I don’t know what a healthy relationships” blinded her from looking at what was right in front of her all along!
And your broken heart? Ya know, the one you locked away up in the tower, safe and secure, all those years ago? Oh lady. She is rattling her cage, SCREAMING to get out!
The heart has four functions.
1. To pump blood.
2. To love
3. To be loved
4. To be broken
She isn’t afraid of heartbreak because she KNOWS she has the incredible ability to heal AND that she must serve her purpose, all four of them to carry on. She wears her battle scars like exquisite tattoos, proudly!
For some of us, the past has been very traumatic.
We have experienced, sexual assault, molestation, child abuse, addiction and mental illness in our families or within our-self , for example. And these issues do come up for some of the women I work with, and I help them, find the help they require. I offer empathy and compassion necessary to seed the hope. If this is you. Please know, you are not alone. You are not irrevocably broken, that there is a way forward. If you have some psychologically traumatic events in your past, please do not allow the stigma in your heart or the chorus of nasty voices sniping in your head, convince you away from seeking and receiving professional help, you deserve. You are worthy of forgiveness, of love of recovery from this trauma.
Don’t worry, I’m not going to give you that knowing look and now drop that one-liner, fix all on you, ‘Hey babes, you need to LET IT GO’
Because it’s going to a lot more than an email and us humming the song from Frozen, to do that.
In order for us to let ANY of our past go, we must first accept it happened.
Rumble with, reconcile and own, the cold hard truth of what happened, when and where. No fluff, no denial, just honestly and openly, admit & accept, that it happened. Only then, can we be in a place to surrender this experience. I mean, If I am going to let something go, or turn it over… I better know exactly what I’m letting go of, right??
Then, we need hope. We need to come to believe, there is life beyond it.
That we don’t need this experience, this heartbreak, ex, or even trauma to define who we are, and how we move through the world. What would your life be like, if you no longer had these ghosts whispering in your ear? How would you feel? Lighter? Happier? More willing to love and be loved?
Now, you’re going to need some help.
Letting go, is never a one woman show. We need to have someone or something, we trust enough, to hand this past over to, so we can walk away and forward. Is it a best friend? A parent? A therapist? A coach? A higher power? If we are going to turn this experience in to the lost and found, and be done with it… we need a lost and found office! So we can rock up, drop it off. AND GO!
Lastly you will need TRUST.
Trust is, I am safe with you. Trust is, I am safe with me.
Trust is built by the smallest actions, brick by brick. Often, we have lost trust in ourselves and others. What areas of your life do you still trust yourself in? To do the right thing? To make the best decisions? Who do you trust, that always has your best interest at heart? Who always offers you kindness and love? Lay out the evidence.
You may FEEL like you can’t trust yourself or anyone, but dearest one…
FEELINGS AREN’T FACT. BOOM!
Lay out the evidence, chances are, you do still trust yourself and others, your emotions are just clouding the facts.