Tis' the season for love. My holiday message to you!

Hi Ladies

I wanted to take a moment to send you some holiday love and to wish you an incredible New Year, from my family to yours! 

2016 is in its final sunset...and Tis’ The Season’ is in the air.
 
Tis’ the season, for kissing under mistletoe. Cuddles on boxing day in your best Christmas jumper. Holding tight to your loved one as the ball drops… OR NOT!
 
For some of us, more like Tis’ the season’ of your single life being scrutinized by relatives far and wide + every other TV advert reminding you of that singleness. YIKES!
 
A time of year where season greetings are filled with...
 
“Meet anybody special yet, dear”
“When are you going to meet a nice boy?”
And worse… “You're not getting any younger”
 
And just when you think it’s over; the tree comes down, the garland packed away, and the ball drops without that meaningful NYE kiss...
 
BAM! The world pukes heart shaped everything all over you come Valentine's Day.
 
And even though WE BOTH KNOW that Valentine's Day is the ultimate example of a ‘retail holiday’… YOU STILL FEEL IT. That loneliness, that desire to find someone amazing to share your life with, but how? Where? When? Who? WTF?
 
PLUS, YOU’RE A ROCK STAR! Breaking glass ceilings wherever you go; career + social life + travel + family… all boxes so fiercely ticked! But your love life?? Yikes! Whassup with that???
 
Feel like I am telling your story? I AM.
AND it was my story too, lady.
 
If you had told me 10 years ago, that I would soon be meeting the love of my life and then get married, OH how I would’ve laughed.  And then, gone off somewhere privately, and cried.
 
I was so far away from that.  So silently hopeless about finding love. How would my patterns changing enough to meet and keep, real love?   I had made some progress. I had stopped jumping into relationships on date 2, like in my early 20’s, I had stopped dating the same guy with a different name and a different face. However, now I was in this new weird phase of experimentally dating different types of people, which kinda’ morphed into somehow attracting the craziest nutters out there.

Online dating was kicking my butt. I was frazzled, my confidence was plummeting, my faith in humanity, shaken.  

I was ready to give up. To “Just focus on my career” till… I’m not sure what? The universe randomly decided I was a good enough girl to hand me love?!?!?
 
I knew THAT method, the whole “the moment you stop looking, IT will happen” was not what had garnered me success in my career, my lifestyle, and fulfilling so many of my other dreams.  So, why would it work in love?
 
I also knew the common denominator was ME. That the blame couldn’t be placed squarely at the feet of the men who were ‘finding me’ cause’ I WAS CHOOSING THEM. Ouch. 
 
I felt very much adrift in my search for love and change. The messaging out there was beyond confusing for a woman like me. And even within my community of strong feminista’s, I was struggling to decipher those messages too.  Why yes, I do NOT need a partner to do this, this and this, um... but what if I want one?  

Admittedly, we were a whole lotta' blind leading the blind, doing the best we could.
 
I was convinced that being a strong kick ass woman, breaking glass ceilings AND wanting to find a loving partner to share my life with, were mutually exclusive.  I was filled with shame around wanting love AND filled with shame that I could not translate my usual success in career, family, social life to my love life.  

Add, my biggest mistake, I was muddling through it on my own, unwilling to ask for help in this area, allowing heartbreak to be my only teacher.  
 
So yeah, progress was minimal and slow, my love life was all sorts of CHOO CHOO train wreck! 
 
FINALLY, I hit bottom. Rocky, hopeless, am I broken(?!?!) bottom.
 
Then, I asked for help; put a lot of hard work in on myself, challenged my historical ideas about giving and receiving love and about myself, as a woman. I got crystal clear on what I wanted, and what I needed in a relationship and partner. Upped my self worth. Combatted shame with forgiveness… truth was I never had very good relationship role models growing up, NO ONE teaches this necessary skill set in school,  so no wonder I was a bit of a mess.
 
I opened my mind, heart AND mouth, no longer afraid to admit I wanted love and partnership. AND SO MUCH MORE…

 
Tell it on the mountain!!! MY GUY SHOWED UP!  Here came Mark and his teeny tiny dog, Parker. A person who in no way resembled anything I would have dated in my 20’s or even my early 30’s… however with my heart and eyes now wide open. I SAW HIM. AND I LOVED HIM!  Besides, how could I say NO to itsy bitsy Parker’s puppy eyes?

THIS NOT THE PART OF THE EMAIL where I patronizingly say “IF it could happen for me, it could happen for you, dear!!” 

Cause’ that statement, we’ve ALL heard too many times, isn’t helpful.
 
HOWEVER, if a train wreck like me, whose most consistent Achilles heel in life was LOVE, can wake up from the haze of mixed messaging out there, put the work in, and transform how I attract, give, respond to and receive love…. I CAN DO ANYTHING!   EVEN HELP OTHER WOMEN, LIKE YOU,  DO THE SAME!  
 
My personal story is a big part of why I do what I do.  But, here’s the other BIG reason.
 
When I first decided to be a Dating and Relationship coach, the feedback I got from friends was mixed. MEN in my life, told me there was no money in it.  I should, with my professional background, be doing corporate coaching, and then promptly told me how I should run my business.  SIGH. 
 
No WOMEN, not even the fab female biz mentor I hired to help me start the business, who I hired to tell me what to do, ever told me what I SHOULD be doing. They asked questions and offered support.   I didn’t walk away from my very financially rewarding career to, once again, do what I should, cause it would make me a lot of money.  Hellz no, I didn’t! 
 
And, the women, who I spoke to about my crazy idea, LOVED it.

However, they loved it… in this kinda’ weird way.
 
Which led to my next biggest turning point; I went to a small female entrepreneur masterclass. I was in a room filled with glorious, confident, successful, powerful women running their worlds. It was euphoric for a feminist like me.  When it came round to me, to intro myself, I said ‘I am a dating and relationship coach with a focus on empowering women in the arena of love’… SILENCE. These lionesses turned into lambs, their eyes filled with terror.  Some of them, who were just moments ago fiercely telling their biz stories so eloquently, had a hard time even articulating their struggles with love.  So much of that power, that Wonder Woman badassery, simply evaporated when they stepped into the arena of love.
 
That is the moment I knew, MY GIRLS NEEDED ME. 

That THIS, was worthy work.  

MY worthy, necessary, work to be doing.
 
+Eureka! I was not alone. My story was not a one off. TOO MANY OF US ARE FILLED WITH SHAME, FEAR AND HOPELESSNESS AROUND LOVE and the help that is out there, for the most part, isn’t designed with us feminista’s in mind!
 
Lastly and MOST importantly; bearing witness to my clients completely revolutionizing how THEY attract, find, give and receive love through our work together?!?!? 
EPIC. SOUL QUENCHING. HEART EXPLODING. 
 
So yeah. I love doing what I do.
 
I shall power on, smashing my goals, fighting the good fight, for you, for love, in 2017!

 
On that note; The women in the Feminista Seeks Love FB group have made their voices heard with some ideas for new webinars for 2017.  I will be in the laboratory over the holidays to produce the first of these new training's, which will be a HOW TO of online dating for the empowered independent woman.  Stay tuned! 
 
You should totes come join us on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/groups/939926752808019/
 
I will also be running my current FREE webinar ‘The 5 Shifts To Take Your Love Life From Horror Flick To Rom Com’ the first week of January, so if you’ve missed out before OR simply want to hop on for a refresher… claim your spot!

2nd of January at 6:30pm London / 1:30pm NYC / 10:30am LA
5th of January @ 7:30pm London / 2:30pm NYC / 11:30am LA
https://app.webinarjam.net/register/31882/f33131026f
 

 
Let’s make 2017 THE year YOU turn this whole love thang, right side round!
 
Happy Holidays! xx
 

Breaking glass ceilings WITHIN...

Happy FEMfriday!

I wanted to take a moment to tell you about a recent experience of mine.

I ventured out last weekend to a Women’s retreat in the wilds of Devon UK.  Fifty five women, from all over, uniting to dig deep and heal.

Fifty five women, under the same roof, bunked in shared rooms, at varying stages in their life and healing.  

Fifty five, crazy ass women, looking to love and be loved.

The focus of the retreat was one of excavation; looking back at the events of our lives, the highs the lows, the successes the failures and the harm done to us, as children right through to mature women.  A full frontal facing of trauma, lifelong fears, negative head chatter and limiting beliefs that often scream at us, ‘I AM NOT ENOUGH’.

Kicking off Friday night, was writing out a chronological life story of sorts. The timeline we created, for many of us, made clear note of abuse, sexual assault, abandonment, self-harm, fractured relationships, self-loathing.  Yeah… the ‘low’s’, were down a deep hole for sure. 

The timeline, for many of us, also made clear note of achievement, successes, love, self-care, change and triumph. Never, ever forget the highs!

The facilitator challenged us, ‘These things, are what happened TO US, however they are not WHO WE ARE.

I witnessed bravery.  Women naming, some for the very first time, the wounds on their souls and bodies, the shame they internalized and how it was still effecting their relationships with family, partners, and friends to this day.

I witnessed vulnerability. The beauty and power of revealing ourselves without fanfare or masks, for all to see.

I witnessed the realization that so many of us, utilized our successes as the sole source of our identity, as well.  That our need for approval, comfort, control and power, often in response to the harm we had survived, had led us to build up a reliance on our performance as the only way we could measure our self-worth. Constantly in the circus ring of our minds and life, trying to BE ENOUGH.  And desperately lion taming everything and everyone around us. 

I witnessed terror. So many of these woman came into the main room Friday evening, eyes wide, thinking ‘What have I gotten myself into’?!?!  And it wasn’t the work that was freaking them out… it was the thought of being with other women. The mind sniping away, ‘women can’t be trusted’, ‘don’t let them see you weak’ and ‘this is the competition’.  

I witnessed the effects of how we are socialized from such a young age, to view one another as competition. That our emotions, our innate ability to love, to feel passionately, is considered a liability.  At the workplace, in love, in friendship, even as small children… these labels like ‘high maintenance’, ‘bitch’, ‘ she’s too much’, ‘she’s hard work’, ‘needy’ and ‘emotional/hysterical’ are not welcome.  How we internalize that messaging, view our very DNA as weakness, then promptly shun these labels.  And each other.

I was grateful, that the idea of being surrounded by women, no longer fills me with anxiety. I know we are stronger together. I know that we can have bonds, beyond brunch and getting our nails done (though I like those things too!).  That when I build a coven of strong women, I tap into a source of power, confidence, self-worth, and love, like no other human connection.  That in the end, the people I can actually truly be myself in front of, and be me with absolute identification and empathy, IS WOMEN!

I broke through quite a few glass ceilings of my own. 

I cried, in front of my small work group of 7 women, most of which were strangers, openly. The tears fell free from my eyes, without shame, without my own habitual reaction of forcibly pushing them back deep down where no one can see… or hell even a care for mascara.  FFS, I needed that!  

Sunday afternoon, I stood in front of 55 women, in what very much felt like a school lunchroom of possible mean girls, grabbed the hand of my 13-year-old self, and stated “I am that strong, feminist, SHE-RA and empowered woman you all see, BUT I am also struggling to make new friendships since moving here to the UK, in need of connection, and very VERY capable of falling short and self-doubt, like anyone else!”

I asked for help.  AND, I got it.  I have a pocketful of phone numbers AND even have some coffee dates in the diary with some of these women.

I think one of my biggest life lessons, one I have to constantly re-learn, is... IT’S OKAY TO NEED AND ASK FOR HELP.  That I am worthy of help. That I do not have to have all the answers, and I do not have to sort it all out on my own.  That absolute self-sufficiency is not the definition of being a independent kick ass woman. That as a human being, and as a woman, I am designed to desire and need human connection. 

That being brave enough to ask for help is actually way more aligned with that Wonder Woman persona then trying to leap buildings, on my own, in a single bound.  Get your coven of super hero women in check, cause lady… we ALL benefit when we unite!  

What's that got to do with LOVE you ask?  E V E R Y T H I N G!  If I want love to flow, both in and out of me freely... I need to open the door AND clear a path.  For me, I couldn't clear it all on my own, I needed help, BIG TIME. 

Speaking of Wonder Women uniting...  I’ve been doing a 7 day Confidence Challenge in the new FB Group ‘Feminista Seeks Love’, today is day 5 but it’s not too late for YOU to become a member and grab on to the benefits!  Think you can’t up your confidence in 7 days???? Well, there is one sure way to find out, doll.  Take the Challenge with us!

Support your local girl gang; https://www.facebook.com/groups/939926752808019/

DWF / Dating While Feirce...

“I’m too independent, I scare guys off”

Photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/airfreshing/9537531439/">airFreshing</a> via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/photos/women/">Visualhunt</a> / <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">CC BY-ND</a>

I read and hear that statement, again and again, from clients, readers and friends.

Our independence, an asset that has gained us much success, happiness and worthiness is every area of our lives, is now somehow working against us, in the arena of love.

The concept that we can be too strong, too independent, too fierce.  That somehow these values we hold so dear, make us less attractive. That WE can be too much of a good thing.

And sometimes it’s true.  Some people are ‘scared off’ or simply not attracted to us because we are fully self-supporting in many areas of our emotional, mental and financial well-being.

Who are these people? 

And why they heck would WE want them??

Some of this fear, is tied into scarcity.  The fear that there are not enough potential partners for us. The fear that we are missing out.  The fear that by being too this or too that, we are limiting the chances of love from finding us or us finding it.

Once scarcity takes root in our mind. The brains natural response is to make ourselves scarce too, smaller, LESS of ourselves. We begin to try to moderate ourselves, change who we are or worse, pretend we are something else, to attract what we think we might be missing out on.  Or we embrace defeat before even leaving the house.  We allow scarcity mindset to place us on the backfoot. Our mind fills with “Why bother”, “It’s never going to happen”.  “All men are scared of my independence”,  “Dating is a waste of my time”.   Does that sound like the type of environment that holds fertile soil in which something as beautiful as love can come, take root and grow?

“Your playing small does not serve the world”  - Marianne Williamson

This love thing, is some tender shizzle. I meet women all the time that are so confident, so full of self-worth in work, social networks, activities, travel, home life but once we talk about love, dating and relationships.. YIKES!  It’s scary. Feels so out of our control. A tender plum bruise. And for some of us, it’s not an arena we have a lot of historical success in, to draw on for confidence and self-worth.

And when we are in a state of lowered confidence and self-worth, compromising who we are and what we deserve, becomes an easy step too far to take.

We find ourselves lamenting that this group of people, the ones who do not want someone who is independent, is somehow our loss? 

What if it’s our gain?  What if, by just being exactly who we are, a woman who knows what she wants, when she wants it. And isn’t looking for someone based on getting traditional gender role needs met, but getting desires met ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, was actually weeding these sucka’s out?!  Saving us time, energy and heartache by sparing us upfront from having to spend any real time with them

Photo via VisualHunt.com

The reality is, it’s okay to want to feel needed by a partner. Good thing too, because, we do have some needs we would like the right person to meet.  Someone to shower us with affection, kindness, respect. Someone to support us and fight with us to conquer our dreams and goals.  Someone to reach the tin of sweets we put on the highest shelf in the kitchen 6 months ago during a sugar strike!!

If you meet someone and scare them off…BOO! Be gone sucka!  You won’t be too YOU for the right person. They will love you FOR THAT, not in spite of that.  And real love, real partnership will require you to return that same love without condition.

You’re not missing out. Those people are being super helpful but removing themselves, DE-cluttering your path, so the right person… the one who loves you for your independence, can become visible, FAST.

Me and the hubba hubba…doing the pics for our ‘Save The Date’ Wedding invites.

OH! OH! OH! Some exciting news!  I've just launched a CLOSED Facebook group Called Feminista Seeks Love!  It is a safe, women only, supportive space for us to connect, share some funnies, some horror stories, successes, and tips for navigating the jungle that is dating today! Come join us

https://www.facebook.com/groups/939926752808019/

Politics be damned, MORE LOVE PLEASE!

No. We're not going to talk about the American elections. Cause, I. Just. Can’t. In fact, I am almost exclusively communicating my feelings about that topic on social media and via text message, not with words... but through the interpretive modern art form that is GIFs.

Regardless of who you supported and what the outcome means to any one of you, one thing that is real for each of us, is it’s been a brutal 6 months.  Anger, fear, resentment, distrust, uncertainty and outrage has visited each of us. Whether that be due to Brexit in the UK, to the elections in the US, to vast swathes of the middle east that are rife with unrest and brutality. The battle lines drawn and the battles fought have been bloody, abusive, soul eating and downright nasty.  I don’t know what the future holds, how this whole thing is going to shake itself out, but I do know ONE THING for sure… WE NEED MORE LOVE.  More compassion, understanding, empathy, trust and security. More open hearts, more broken hearts, more healed hearts and a whole lotta heart to move forward.

This morning when I woke up, my husband swiftly delivered the news of the election results. We were both greatly disappointed and sad. As my husband dressed to leave for work, he came over for his customary hug and kiss, and lingered a bit longer than usual. A few minutes later, now completely donned in his motorcycle gear to leave for work, he came back.  “I need another hug and kiss today.”  I know this man well. And if his need for emotional support is a barometer for how bad things are, then this subtle request signified a solid 9 (uh oh, hell in a handbag) on the sliding scale.  We have spoken twice today on the phone already. Calls filled with I love you’s, it’s going to be alright and WE are going to be alright.

Now, check it. I am not someone who believes everyone in the world is in need of partnership. I offer no pitying looks to singles with ‘awwwww, you just haven’t met the right person’ on my lips, because I know, that’s bullshit. And, I never appreciated it when I was single for many years, either. We women are lionesses, capable of nurturing as well as hunting for everything we need in this life.

HOWEVER, I am so grateful to have someone standing with me, shoulder to shoulder, fighting the good fight. That when it looks like the world is failing to provide me with trust, security, love, compassion and kindness that I know, with my whole heart, someone who can and does provide this necessary sustenance.   That, no matter what, he has my back… and I, his.  I am in no doubt that I could wonder woman this life alone; I already have the historical and personal evidence to prove it. Yet, I am still hugely thankful, that today I don’t have to.  There is an undeniable strength in numbers, a strength I took comfort in this morning with that second round of hugs and kisses between my partner and me.

So today, I will not go quietly (or tearfully) into that night. I will call on my secret super powers of love, vulnerability and the kindness of friends and strangers alike to combat what feels like, to me, an unsafe and scary world.  I have already doled out a handful of good mornings and hello’s to strangers passing on the street. I will call friends and loved ones and inquire how they are doing today, talk about all the good that is happening in our lives, and offer my shoulder to mop up tears where needed. I will recite my guided meditations and breathe extra deeply till I am light headed, if that’s what it takes!   

I will carry on in my quest to ask for more love, give more love and help others who are seeking to find love or fighting to keep love. Cause’ WE NEED MORE AND DESERVE MORE LOVE, to move forward from here! Unconditional, light up the world kinda’ love… to and from those on all sides!   

definitely a 'need lots of cute cat videos' day...

XO

Sending you ALL the love,

-Jessica Elizabeth