If there are so many great, single, people out there looking for love... why have you not met one?

We hear the concept of Abundance more and more frequently today.  The idea that we not only have enough, but more than enough.  That the world has more than enough, love, clients, money, jobs, time, etc..  We are encouraged to take on the Abundant mindset as a tool to be more positive and by doing so we will consciously and unconsciously welcome all that ‘more than enough’ into your lives.  What we do not hear about as much, is the concept of Scarcity. And educating ourselves on what that looks like and sounds like, is key to coming to believe why living in a more Abundant mindset can revolutionize the way we live, love and feel, every day.  Let’s take a peek, shall we? 

What is Scarcity?

The simplest definition; There is not enough.  Often we wake up and from the very start of our day, we are thinking…There is not enough time, there is not enough money, there is not enough coffee in the world that can get me through this Monday!  We continue on through our day, there are not enough trains, there are not enough people at my job to get the workload done, there is only one of me and so much work to do, there are not enough hours in the day.  On a more personal, and damaging way, we can be thinking I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, smart enough, I don’t have as much training as I need, I don’t have the right clothes, enough shoes, the right haircut.  I AM NOT ENOUGH.

Scarcity breeds quick too, heck I am starting to hyperventilate just writing this blog! YIKES!

Scarcity in Dating and Finding Love:

Let’s hit the biggest nail on the head, straight off.  The Hollywood concept of ‘THE ONE’.  Ooof, Scarcity XXL!  We have been sold the idea that there is just one, magical, elusive soulmate in the world.  Just a mere 1 person in 7.4 billion people in the world, that is for us. No wonder women keep saying to me, “its like looking for a needle in a haystack!!”  And how easy from that staggering 1 in 7.4 billion cliff,  to rock slide into fear, doubt and hopelessness. “How will I ever find them?”  What if I have already missed them?  What if I never find them? Put those scarcity glasses on in the dating world...desperation and panic can lead us to settling for someone who is not right for us at all. A step too far so easy to take when in the scarcity zone.  

Scarcity in dating also looks and sounds like, All the good ones are taken, I don’t have enough time to meet anyone, I’m not open enough, I am not pretty enough, the dating pool where I live is too small, there are not enough single men or women here, and for some of us, scarcity takes some even lower blows… I am not good enough which is why I haven’t found THE ONE.

 

Applying Abundance to Dating and finding love:

How do we apply abundance to dating and love? First, we come to believe there is way more than just ONE right person for us out there in the world. We reject the Disney concept of true loves kiss being THE ONLY ONE to wake us from slumber and we welcome the idea that, whilst we are looking for true love, it does not just belong to some solitary elusive soulmate.  Ask yourself “What if there were hundreds of possible perfect partners for you out there on the streets of your city or town right now, today?”  How does that feel? 

I was recently speaking with a client who lives in a more rural setting, she was regaling me with scarcity, of how few people are single where she lives. As we were talking, I took out my Google wand and waived it. Turns out there were something like 65,000 single men and women within a 10-mile radius of her… When I told her that simple, easy to find fact, the scarcity bubble burst big time. OH. OHHHHH.   She had come to believe wholeheartedly, there were not enough.  Now we could start talking about how to get out there and meet a healthy handful of those 65,000 and the whole idea went from hopeless task to hopeful opportunity.

Another woman I worked with, had her torch lit for a past love. They had been young, at university and he was all she could have and should have wanted. In her own words, at the time, she was too busy being young and carefree to see it. Now, she said, he was married with kids and she had missed her chance at that life.  When we worked through the concept that he was one of many, that she no longer had to live in regret and could finally use that torch of what was so great about him, to light her way into the future of finding other people who could and would offer her ‘that life’ she began to truly move forward on the path of finding love.  Free of regret and filled with abundant hope.  And, it worked! WOOT!

Abundant living is all about application.  When start applying Abundance, we do just that… we take action, one step at a time, to go from not enough, to enough to MORE than enough line by line, area by area.  We tap into gratitude, looking at all we have and have done and we aren’t afraid to lose it or even give it away, because we know there is more out there to replenish it and that we are worthy of doing so.  Abundant living, ups our confidence, increases are positiveness and opens are minds and hearts, which is absolutely the perfect mindset to have out there in the dating jungle. And, yes, jungles can be scary places where things howl in the night however jungles are also the perfect ecosystem for abundance, with more life teeming under every leaf and stone than anywhere else in the world! Oh yeah, see what I did there?

An Abundant mindset, also affords us the necessary cushion for bounce back and resilience.  If someone you meet doesn’t work out, that’s okay cause there are more chances, more than enough good ones out there and hitting the NEXXXT button is now, way easier.  Abundant living is not just uplifting, it’s incredibly motivating. Now that we know, there is more than enough time, money, amazing partners, AND that we are more than enough … anything is possible. So why wouldn’t we want to go out there, and get it!?!  What are you waiting for my darling?

Have a question or topic you would like covered in the Love Letters?  Shoot me a message here in the comments!

Want to learn more about applying an Abundant mindset to your own love life?  Book your FREE breakthrough call!  http://www.jessicaelizabethcoaching.com/call/

The Pen IS Mightier Than The Sword; Rewriting Limiting Beliefs (Part 3 of 3 in the Limiting Beliefs series)

So here we are at the final installment of the 3 Part Limiting Beliefs blog series…

Entire books have been written on this topic, long term transformation programs delivered on Limiting Beliefs alone. So please be assured, I am, in no means, offering a quick fix solution here in my lil’ ol’ 3 part blog, however it is my intention to open your mind to the concept that these nasty gremlins exist, do some serious damage and can be tamed into submission, with work.

Hard work.

Mind blowing, life changing, EPIC and totally worthy, WERRK.

To go into battle, fighting for you, is the most noble of work because it will revolutionize how you engage with the world AND the impact you can have on your own life and those around you. Imagine if Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr or Abraham Lincoln not only believed the what the haters had to say but also believed what their internal fears whispered to them too? Self-belief and belief in others is the solid foundation of human connection and love needs both to grow tall and proud.

Okay, to review… PART 1, I talked about Limiting Beliefs AKA Negative Head Chatter that can totally block your ability to be open to giving and receiving love, and worse, holding up a stop sign to even meeting one of the ‘good ones'. http://www.jessicaelizabethcoaching.com/blog/2016/10/13/love-killer-closed-minds-closed-doors-how-youre-blocking-your-chances-to-find-love-and-be-more-loved-and-what-to-do-about-it

Part 2; We hammered away on getting crystal clear as to why carrying around this negative head chatter is blocking you from love.   Check it out! http://www.jessicaelizabethcoaching.com/blog/2016/10/19/hand-over-the-limiting-belief-security-blanket-cause-darlin-its-smothering-you-and-your-chances-for-love-without-sounding-like-some-platitude-crazed-wanna-be-guru

NOW, let’s learn the first bars of the Limiting Belief swan song; how to start to re-write these beliefs and start attaining some freedom, right now.   From limiting to limitless!  

Warning; The formative lessons in re-writing limiting beliefs is not the stuff inspirational internet memes are made of… we are not skipping way ahead to ‘The Law of Attraction’ or ‘The Secret’ mindset of flipping these 180 degrees to 100% positive manifesting mantras. In my years of coaching work, I have found that being BELIEVABLE is crucial to start turning the ship AND for lasting cognitive change to take root in the brain and grow. 

And hey, YOU are a smart cookie. You are not so easily fooled and neither is your brain, lovely. So taking ‘ALL MEN ARE DOGS’ and changing that to ‘ALL MEN ARE PERFECT TRUSTWORTHY BEINGS SENT TO LOVE ME’ is a beautiful sentiment and a powerful manifestation tool however, re-writing limiting beliefs is not about just changing the energy we put into the world. It’s about remapping your habitual mindset. The thought processes that are closing doors on your chances at engaging with the right people and with love.  PLUS, as certain as I am that NOT ‘ALL men are dogs’, we both know that NOT ‘ALL people are perfect trustworthy beings sent to love us’ either. Yeah, that.

The best way to illustrate this formative, yet earth shattering life lesson in changing your inner dialogue is through the ancient form of storytelling.  Gather around, kids...Its story time.

I want to tell you about Lorna, a therapist and a client I coached last year and her experience with our work on Limiting Beleifs. Lorna came to be struggling in her marriage. She was unhappy. She was focused on all the things her husband needed to change to make their relationship better. However, being a seasoned therapist… deep down she knew she had a part to play too. Even if she couldn’t see it.  She also knew she was in the midst of self-sabotage and truly, this was a gem of a partner, she was not willing to lose without a fight.

Over the course of our work, we delved into some sessions around limiting beliefs and core values.  We uncovered a lifelong belief she had that resonated as ‘He’s ALWAYS lying; they ALWAYS lie’. When we unearthed this limiting belief, one born in childhood after watching her own parents poorly role model trust in their marriage and then further fueled by past relationship where trust had indeed been broken between herself and that partner, Lorna was truly shocked. She had never actually said it aloud and the thinking was so embedded, she hadn’t realized she was thinking it!  

As we unpicked the thought process and the correlated actions she took in her marriage, she saw clearly for the first time, how she was backing her husband into a corner that he could not get out of honestly. Because she greeted him with suspicion and the underlying belief he was lying all the time before he even opened his mouth, a self-fulfilling prophecy and dynamic was being deeply grooved into their interactions.  He has started to lie about where he was, even though his true location wasn’t actually problematic, simply because he hoped to avoid the interrogation and fallout. His only defense were self-preservation tactics because nothing he did say or do, seemed to help.  He felt defeated and cornered at every turn and, like most caged animals, was lashing out in frustration. Lorna felt hopeless and trapped too. Things were beginning to escalate, at warp speed nine!

So how did we get past her limiting belief, “He’s ALWAYS, they ALWAYS lie’?  First we returned to the point of origin. Coaching is a conversation between two people offering a non-judgmental, fresh, unbiased perspective and challenge to our well-worn way of thinking and doing.  Lorna was able to speak openly about her past experiences where the initial evidence for this limiting belief was born and nurtured WITHOUT the fear of therapeutically getting ‘stuck’ there, re-hashing the past.  (Please note; therapy is powerful and necessary work for many. Lorna had already spent a lot of time in therapy reviewing these incidents.)  In coaching, we focus on moving forward and beyond with action based steps. Coaching is the “okay, I get it, now what?” phase of healing and change.

So I set to challenging Lorna’s application of this life lesson. How it was effecting her in the here and now AND how it was not applicable to all situations. We went through the practical application. How this ‘rule of thumb’, this limiting belief was not only too general a rule for ALL people but how unfair it was to make someone (her husband), pay for someone else (parents, past lovers, etc..) mistakes. We utilized the powerful tools of compassion and empathy to ‘walk a mile in their shoes’ to truly understand how it would feel to be on the receiving end of this mindset.  We explored how the application of scarcity and finality in her marriage was robbing BOTH of them of happiness, joy and serenity. That’s about when the damn broke inside Lorna and the tears flooded out. Lemme tell you, TEARS are a good thing!

Now properly motivated as to WHY this belief had to go, we could charge ahead to HOW.

It’s imperative that this belief is re-written by you, in your own voice, tone, language. The negative statement is so comfortable it’s often undetectable so ingratiated in your mind chatter, it does not even blip on your radar anymore. If we are going to trick the mind, the one who has been operating with this belief, we are going to have to go a bit cloak and dagger here. The new belief we will use to challenge it, needs to be as user friendly as the old one, so to speak.  So Lorna and I began to negotiate the terms of the re-write.

Going FROM ‘He’s ALWAYS lying, THEY always lie’ TO “He NEVER lies, ALL people are 100% honest all the time’ wasn’t going to cut it. Not for a minute.  

In the end, Lorna re-wrote her negative belief as follows;

FROM, ‘He’s always lying, THEY always lie’ TO ‘Some people do lie, however today I am going to trust him, because he deserves it.

Um, really?  THAT WORKED FOR HER??  That doesn’t sound very impressive or inspirational!! 

There are a million variations of how this could have been re-written, however in the work we did around the limiting belief, the point of origin, the damage it was doing to her current relationship and the empathy journey of what is must be like to be greeted by your partner with this liming belief, was VERY powerful for Lorna. We bottled some of those tears, cause where we were going, we needed them! Using that emotional attachment, tapping into that massive, damn breaking, shift had to be a key part of re-writing this, FOR HER.  Most important, Lorna had absolute confidence in this newly written belief.

The above re-write allowed Lorna to acknowledge that the past trauma was indeed real, but that SHE and her husband deserved to live in the here and now. It was jussssst enough, for her mind and heart to open up to the possibility that he wasn’t ALWAYS lying and not ALL people lied.

I warned you, this process isn’t fodder for your social media inspirational quote posts but don’t ever underestimate the massive impact the smallest shift can have. Establishing a pathway with hope opens the door to faith, love and blow your brains out of the back of your head kinda’ change!

Implementing the new belief is a call and response exercise. An ongoing conversation between your existing limiting belief and this new one. The mind throws up 'He’s ALWAYS lying, they ALWAYS lie’ and we pause, acknowledge it, then come back quick with 'SOME people do lie however, TODAY I am going to trust him, because he deserves it.' With practice, practice, practice…  repeat, repeat, repeat…  and with time, we burrow a new neurological pathway.  A pathway that will one-day welcome the footsteps of implicit trust in Lorna’s marriage.

FYI – I bumped into Lorna and her husband a couple of months after our coaching was complete… he pulled me aside and thanked me. “I don’t know what you did but thank you so much for doing it.”  The relief, the joy and the serenity were etched on this face, and on hers.  TOOT TOOT goes my horn but honestly, Lorna is the real heroine here! YOU GO GIRL! And nothing gives me more pleasure then watching their happiness, romantic travels and long lasting harmony shine bright via their Facebook posts.

Are you ready to tackle that negative head chatter and kick those limiting beliefs to the curb? Let me show you how.  Book a FREE breakthrough call with me! http://www.jessicaelizabethcoaching.com/call

Is there a topic you would like me to cover?  Message me, I would love to hear about it!

#limiting beliefs #datingcoaching #relationshipcoaching #bebrave #freeyourself #openyourhearttolove #openyourmindtolove #negativeheadchatter #positivemindset #mindsettransformation

OH NO! Relationship Coaching for engaged couples heading down the aisle?!? Run! Rome is burning!!!

Hey there darlin’

You might be surprised to discover I coach engaged couples, heading down the aisle to married life. You might greet that concept with doubt (why are they getting married if they have relationship problems?) or with fear (if THAT lovely fab couple needs relationship help?!?) and even disdain (I would NEVER marry someone, if they relationship wasn’t perfect!). 

Too often in our society, ‘asking for help’ and seeking out relationship counseling/coaching/therapy, can have quite the stigma attached. And that stigma comes, not just from people outside, but internally, within ourselves. People tend to think that getting some assistance is tied to failure, defeat or epic seismic problems. And then, worse, they wait for failure, defeat and epic seismic problems to come knocking on their door before seeking help.  One of the many areas I see this stigma and these problems playing out, is with engaged couples.  If I could have one wish granted by a genie, it would be that MORE couples asked for help LONG BEFORE they are starting to brush up on CSI episodes, so no one finds the body. 

There is a lot of pressure to make this ascent to the throne of marriage as magical and perfect as possible.  Visually, from picking the perfect flowers, to perfect dress, the perfect food, the perfect for the big day to the union itself being Teflon perfect and the only emotion sent an invite to attend, BLISS. Beware; Perfection is an insidious beetch, throwing shade like a boss on your every move. Perfection is the most addictive and mystifying of illusions, no matter how many times us mere humans are shown it does not exist, we still strive hardAF to attain. Perfectionism is the ever present homewrecker of self-worth, self-love and lasting love.  

The really smart cookies in this life have learned that perfectionism is not their friend. That a strong foundation is built with care, with attention to detail and with addressing any naturally occurring hairline cracks promptly and compassionately. AND, let’s be real here, the run up to the big day can be a breeding ground for stress, nitpicking, doubt, fear, resentment, perfectionism and that’s all before you add in your family. Yikes!  For many, it’s the single most important decision and day of your life.  I meet couples all the time, who wholeheartedly have made the decision to join together in marriage, who were star pupils in the love game and after a few months of wedding planning, are looking for somewhere in case they need bury a body!  So welcome! You are in the best of company, my dear. 

Here is my 3 step hit list for engaged couples working their way to the alter.

STEP 1 - Keep your eye on the prize.  And, check it doll, the prize is not the dress!  Its really REALLY easy to lose sight and to get lost in the numerous important details that go into planning a wedding, and instead keep first and foremost in your heart and mind, that if all else fails (the caterer’s truck breaks down, the dress rips, the grooms mother is catty, the brides father is drunk by 10am, the flowers wilt) that AS LONG AS YOU BOTH SHOW UP ON THAT DAY, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.  You are here to pledge your heart, your soul and your spirit to this person, for all to see, for the rest of your lives. Focus on that. Ask yourself, will this detail physically stop us from loving each other and getting married on the day?  There are a whole lotta ‘worst that can happen’ fears swirling in your mind HOWEVER the worst thing that really can happen, is one of you doesn’t show up. I have seen weddings plod on sensationally in the face of ‘wrong flowers’, meltdown ring bearers, outrageous best man speeches, warring mother-in-law’s, but I have never seen a wedding where either of the brides, grooms or bride and grooms didn’t show up, cross the finish line.

STEP 2 - It really is YOUR day.  No, that is not the signal to unleash your inner Bridezilla.  It is permission for YOU to decide what kind of day it’s going to be, my dear. And yes, that often includes the bespoke wedding ring design, the lush bedazzled table settings, the bad ass vintage ride you hired to get to the venue… BUT even if you lose control of all those things, no one and nothing can steal the joy from YOUR DAY. You CAN, however, give that joy away. It is completely within your power.  “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and yeah, I know the flowers are important, your sister is the nightmare wild card to be managed, and the photography will last a lifetime but take it from this married lady, the photos of our wedding day, though glorious, do not compare to the overall feeling of happiness and joy I get when I think of our fab wedding day and when I remember how much fun I had on that day!  Even when the band fucked up one of the songs, my sister kicked off, my dad went missing for a few hours, the amazing vintage trolley we used to transport the family had a driver that was wearing sweat pants and a stained T-shirt (WTF?!)…  At every twist and turn, I chose and chose again, to have THE BEST DAY. I reached right back out for Step 1, I only had eyes for the prize!!  Go for the joy of the moment. All that other window dressing will pale in your memory to the laughs you shared with friends and family, the dancing, the way your face actually hurt from smiling so much.  Believe that.  

STEP 3 - Find your voice.  Cold feet, wedding jitters, second guessing are all natural. Voice them. Sometimes even speaking them aloud releases them from the festering neighborhood of the mind. Couples who come to one another, voice their concerns and allow a space for their partner to have a voice, know that the arena of communication, when staged with love and compassion, is their special, safe space.  The cold feet might be warmed OR might be confirmed. It will be better for both of you, to find out, now.  Voice your intentions, your wants and needs for your wedding day. Let your partner have a voice!  Ask them what is important to them to have at the wedding. You might be surprised at what you learn.  I think, stereotypically in heterosexual relationships, we assume the man wants nothing to do with the planning. You’re wrong. Oh, sure he could care less what hue of purple the napkins are but allowing your partner the space to lay claim to some details, like music, food or hey maybe the hue of purple, will rejoin you, shoulder to shoulder as partners in this momentous occasion as well. Straight killing resentment, when it shows up whispering “You’re doing ALL the work” or “By the looks of it, I bet he/she doesn’t even care if you get married” and “Why do YOU have to EVERYTHING around here??”.  Send resentment right to voicemail, FAST.   And my same sex lovelies, I am looking at you too!  I know, the hue of purple is LIFE to you but honey, gay or not, he still might care less about that detail. So stop driving him mad by laying out multi coloured napkins at dinner every night for him to consider.  When you know in advance what matters to each other, you can coordinate, delegate and be confident to steam ahead with our own ideas, solo.  Oh! I also suggest you ‘voice your veto’ ability, in case they have always dreamed of a sad clown performing at the cocktail hour.  Not today, Satan… not today!

For some of my engaged clients, they have one or two lingering issues they NEED resolved or at the very least be re-assured with the knowledge this issue can be worked on, to move ahead with confidence and love down that aisle.  Others, have no doubt their partner is the right one, their relationship is solid however they also know, as good as it is, it could be even better! Some pick up tools they never knew existed, find their relationship better than they ever imagined and answer questions, they never even knew they had. One client said to me “I just knew, if we sought help now, we would be so ahead of the game versus digging ourselves out 10 or 20 years down the road”.  So, let me ask you…. How much bliss do you want to invite to your wedding?  ANDHow good do you want married life to be?  

I like to think of me as part of the Neighborhood Love Problem Prevention team!   GO TEAM!