“I’m too independent, I scare guys off”
I read and hear that statement, again and again, from clients, readers and friends.
Our independence, an asset that has gained us much success, happiness and worthiness is every area of our lives, is now somehow working against us, in the arena of love.
The concept that we can be too strong, too independent, too fierce. That somehow these values we hold so dear, make us less attractive. That WE can be too much of a good thing.
And sometimes it’s true. Some people are ‘scared off’ or simply not attracted to us because we are fully self-supporting in many areas of our emotional, mental and financial well-being.
Who are these people?
And why they heck would WE want them??
Some of this fear, is tied into scarcity. The fear that there are not enough potential partners for us. The fear that we are missing out. The fear that by being too this or too that, we are limiting the chances of love from finding us or us finding it.
Once scarcity takes root in our mind. The brains natural response is to make ourselves scarce too, smaller, LESS of ourselves. We begin to try to moderate ourselves, change who we are or worse, pretend we are something else, to attract what we think we might be missing out on. Or we embrace defeat before even leaving the house. We allow scarcity mindset to place us on the backfoot. Our mind fills with “Why bother”, “It’s never going to happen”. “All men are scared of my independence”, “Dating is a waste of my time”. Does that sound like the type of environment that holds fertile soil in which something as beautiful as love can come, take root and grow?
“Your playing small does not serve the world” - Marianne Williamson
This love thing, is some tender shizzle. I meet women all the time that are so confident, so full of self-worth in work, social networks, activities, travel, home life but once we talk about love, dating and relationships.. YIKES! It’s scary. Feels so out of our control. A tender plum bruise. And for some of us, it’s not an arena we have a lot of historical success in, to draw on for confidence and self-worth.
And when we are in a state of lowered confidence and self-worth, compromising who we are and what we deserve, becomes an easy step too far to take.
We find ourselves lamenting that this group of people, the ones who do not want someone who is independent, is somehow our loss?
What if it’s our gain? What if, by just being exactly who we are, a woman who knows what she wants, when she wants it. And isn’t looking for someone based on getting traditional gender role needs met, but getting desires met ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, was actually weeding these sucka’s out?! Saving us time, energy and heartache by sparing us upfront from having to spend any real time with them
The reality is, it’s okay to want to feel needed by a partner. Good thing too, because, we do have some needs we would like the right person to meet. Someone to shower us with affection, kindness, respect. Someone to support us and fight with us to conquer our dreams and goals. Someone to reach the tin of sweets we put on the highest shelf in the kitchen 6 months ago during a sugar strike!!
If you meet someone and scare them off…BOO! Be gone sucka! You won’t be too YOU for the right person. They will love you FOR THAT, not in spite of that. And real love, real partnership will require you to return that same love without condition.
You’re not missing out. Those people are being super helpful but removing themselves, DE-cluttering your path, so the right person… the one who loves you for your independence, can become visible, FAST.
OH! OH! OH! Some exciting news! I've just launched a CLOSED Facebook group Called Feminista Seeks Love! It is a safe, women only, supportive space for us to connect, share some funnies, some horror stories, successes, and tips for navigating the jungle that is dating today! Come join us