This past week, I’ve been talking quite a bit about sex & sensuality with both my dating & relationship coaching clients. Whilst I don't define myself as a sex coach, you really can't facilitate transformation around love, dating, relationships & partnership, and not talk about S E X!
For my dating clients, the issue swirls itself around the messaging we get as women about when, how and with who, we are ‘allowed’ to have all the sex.
For my relationship coaching clients, more often than not, its about… sex?!?! UM, WHAT’S THAT?!?! Post baby(s), mid career ladder, daily responsibility and stress uptick and a healthy dollop of being years into a partnership… sex is no longer something on a weekly, or even monthly rotating schedule! YIKES!
So this week, I will be offering up TWO blogs on ONE BOLD TOPIC, that I do hope offers everyone a bit of insight, hope and clarity around, well, SEX!
PART 1; SEX FOR THOSE IN RELATIONSHIPS:
I know you’re squirming a bit reading this. It’s okay. Talking about sex, makes most people a bit uncomfortable. Yet, talk about it, we must! I tell you what, sit back and let the brash American take the lead in the convo, and you can just sit back and read, for now.
Why do we need to talk about SEX? Well, my dear, SEX is one of the SIX major components of any romantic partnership. Period. It isn’t always the MOST important for a couple however, if you are not having it, or unsatisfied in that area… addressing the elephant in the bedroom, can create an epic shift in your relationship. In order to have a well-balanced, healthy and lasting partnership, sex needs to be a nourished part of the equation.
John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, who has been researching couples and relationships for over 30 years, states in his research and books, over and over, couples who prioritize sex vs. leave sex as the very last thing on the to do list, not only have lasting happy partnerships, they are RELATIONSHIP MASTERS.
Let me break this down to its absolute essence.
LOVE requires connection. Without connection, LOVE FADES. Connection between two people is built on many things, however TOUCH and yes, SEXUAL TOUCH is the most relevant and epic way to build and maintain connection. Whilst touch is not the ONLY way, it’s not a one over the other, deal. Thinking of connection as a series of touch stones. SHARED INTERESTS, SHARED ACTIVITIES, SHARED PHYSICAL TOUCH, to name just a few, ALL must be included in our touch stones. We can touch some stones more frequently than others; however we cannot neglect a stone for too long, without the connection faltering. When people begin to sense loss of love, and question if they still love someone… what we really need to focus in on, is the connection. Think of love, almost as a bi-product of connection. Connection is the horse. Love is the cart. And oh all the wondrous things we can pile into that cart of love!!!
One of the larger factors that stops physical touch and sex, beyond it dropping down the priority list, is a drop in our own feeling of sexiness and sensuality. Please note, this is one of the root causes for singles AND couples AND for men AND women!
I think we are often quick to assume that sexiness and sensuality are primarily feminine qualities. They are not. Or at least not in the way we think of them.
It has been proven out that one of men’s most common fears, is, they will be laughed at… in bed. Humiliation and ego are tied to this however mainly, the fear is about a loss of respect, ability and power, which we as a society, have primed men to equate with their own sexiness. There are people who do not care whatsoever if the other person is getting pleasure from sex, however those people do not typically commit to relationships, or remain in them for very long… so chances are your ability, as a man, to perform and satisfy your partner sexually, has a direct result on your own view of your sensuality.
Similarly, for many women, their sexiness and sensuality is tied directly to how they perceive themselves physically. How themselves and their partner views them and their body, during sex. No offenses fellas, but our own determination of how sexy we look actually contributes to how sexy we feel way more directly than yours. It’s why, no matter how many times you tell us, how sexy we look, it doesn’t usually effect how we feel about it ourselves
Interestingly, if we follow this trail back to its source, for both men and women, we find self-esteem staring us in the face. Our self-esteem is how we value ourselves. How we truly evaluate ourselves is primary to how others values us. Begin at the beginning, dearest one.
What are the things that YOU DO that help you feel more worthy of enjoying sex?
What are the things YOU DO that make YOU feel more sexy? Even when no one is around to see or appreciate it?
WHAT can you start DOING more of, to feel more confident, sensual… starting TODAY?
Going to the gym?
Booking in that weekend away, ALONE? To just do all the things YOU want to do?
A new suit?
A big win at work?
Creating something with your own two hands?
A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step. Ready to take your first baby step towards reclaiming your sensuality?
If you want more access to my expert knowledge on curating and maintaining empowered relationships, please do join us in the free facebook group, THE EMPOWERED LOVE & RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL! I post actionable tips and thought provoking commentary in the group daily, and go LIVE weekly talking about topics that can help you, have the relationship you both deserve.