Maybe you’re not up on term ‘Ghost’ yet, but chances are you’ve experienced it.
Allow me to set the scene…
You are chatting online with a seemingly amazing person. Messages are flowing, filled with sass, funnies and the tempo is staccato quick fire… then suddenly… Hello? You still there? Anybody there? No response, no reason given, it’s like maybe they traveled to a desert island that doesn’t have internet???
You meet someone, have a super fab first date. Wow what a great night. FINALLY, someone you click with, who makes you laugh and can talk about things YOU actually find interesting! AND, the chemistry is SO there. Spark, bang, boom! Clearly, you both can’t wait to see each other again! Faith in humanity, RESTORED!
You wake up the next date thinking, whoa, THIS could be it. You check your phone for a text from them. ZIP. Okay alright, it’s been less than 12 hours. Breathe. Tick, tock. Now its 24 hours and nada, nothing. You brave it up and send a quick text, nothing crazy just a ‘Had a great time last night’ insert emoji… CRICKETS. Okay, maybe their busy, it’s cool. But as the days go by, that thought process goes to ‘Maybe they had some tragic family emergency?’ OR, ‘Got hit by a bus????’ and on and on goes the possibilities in your mind.
Well my dear, I have to tell you 99.9% of the time, there is but ONE possibility of what happened to that person and it’s that you’ve just been GHOSTED. BOO!
At this point there are two roads to travel down.
Road ONE - DOUBT/ANGER/WTAF/DESPAIR;
It’s heavily traveled and easy to choose this well-worn route.
You begin to frantically run thru the entire night or messaging in your mind, wondering what small misstep was made? Did you say the wrong thing? Did you read the chemistry wrong?
This is usually followed by ANGER. Who the heck do they think they are?? Who does that? Have they no manners whatsoever? F@ck you Mr. #raisedbywolvesor Ms. #ohnoyoudidn’t!!!
And then comes the confidence plunge w/ a nice side of depair. What is wrong with me? How could I NOT read that date right? What is it about me that attracts someone who would do that?!? Why am I putting myself through this BS and even going out on dates anyways?!?!
Confidence is plummeting and jaded has come along to the party as well. The weight of jaded on the shoulders and mindset, is brutal. WOMP. WOMP.
ROAD 2 – Acceptance & Resilience
Here’s the deal. You didn’t do anything wrong. You have absolutely no power over this person’s inability to have adult conversations and do low level, super basic confrontation, like “Hey, sorry I just am not feeling it”.
Our technology, the same one that serves us so well, like apps that allow us to order food, taxi’s, shoes, schedule doctors’ appointments all without ever speaking to another human being… is this same technology boom that allows GHOSTING to be such an easy and acceptable mode of operation in today’s dating scene. As a society, we have so much available to us whose sole purpose is to allow us to avoid uncomfortable situations and avoid having REAL conversations with REAL people in the REAL world.
YES. Ghosting is a rejection, of the most undignified kind. But a rejection nonetheless. Life is full of rejection, full of getting knocked down from time to time. And EVERYONE experiences it. It’s not just you! The SPEED AND HOW we can GET BACK UP from rejection and failure, is what separates happier, more successful people from the rest of the herd.
Dr. Brene Brown, is a Shame Researcher, and has done incredible research around resilience. She has interviewed thousands of people over 20 years and correlated her data to distinguish what makes some people more resilient to rejection and others not. If you have yet to check out her books, Daring Greatly and Rising Strong… add that to the holiday wish list, lady. AHHHMAZING.
Here’s the crib notes;
Resilient people accept that rejection is a normal part of life. They do not take it personally. They do not invite doubt, anger and jaded to come to the party. Or at the very least, have a bouncer at the door to keep them out. Resilient people are focused and fueled by the joy in their lives. They also view each rejection as an opportunity.
An opportunity to get back up. An opportunity to learn. An opportunity to take a look at their lives and re-prioritize what’s important to them.
In the specific example of the dating GHOST. WOW. Did that person just save YOU a whole lotta’ time, frustration, and possible heart break by going ghost. BOO! BE GONE! The quicker they do it? The more a HECK YES it deserves, cause the better off you are! That person, who ghosted you, they handed you the opportunity to go back out into the world of love quickly and with more acceptance and resilience than ever before.
I’m, in no uncertain terms, am saying you need to go out of your way to thank Mr. #raisedbywolves or Ms. #ohnoyoudidn’t, however if we shift the mindset to one of acceptance. It’s not you, its them AND to shift further to a mindset of opportunity… it becomes way easier to get back up and hit the NEXXXXT button.
Now, we do not want to just simply puff ourselves up. We need to own the story a bit more than that to gain true resilience. Every date is also an opportunity to learn about what you DO and DO NOT like or want in a partner. Bad dates, dud dates, and great dates are ALL equality rife with opportunities to attain more clarity. Were you able to uncover some new likes and dislikes to further shape your list of wants and needs in a partner? That’s good stuff! Did you choose someone that ticked way more of your wants and needs than ever before? It’s about progress not perfection! Maybe that great date who ghosted you was the first great date in a long line of dud ones. Maybe the date itself (not what happened after), was the taste of hope, in what had felt like a desert of dud and bad dates?
And listen, doubt, anger, frustration, distrust, and loss of faith.. are all normal natural reactions to rejection. It’s okay to feel them… JUST DON’T STAY THERE VERY LONG!
GET BACK UP GRRL! You’ve got the work of resilience and learning to do!
You have no power of other people’s actions.
You DO have power over how you respond.
The power to GET BACK UP, faster, stronger and better.
Wanna up your resiliance game?
- Check out DARING WAY AND RISING STRONG by Brene Brown
- I was at a relationship seminar a few months back and the facilitator was talking about actively going out seeking engagement AND therefore rejection. Walking up to anybody and attempting to engage so that you can build up resilience. His focus was about learning to get past the fears of engagement due to the fear of rejection. The more we try, the more we will be rejected HOWEVER surprisingly the more we will NOT be rejected as well. And therefore become more resilient and more brave.
- There is also an adorably wonderful TEDtalk by Jia Lang on topic of ‘rejection empowerment’ as well. https://www.ted.com/talks/jia_jiang_what_i_learned_from_100_days_of_rejection?utm_source=tedcomshare&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=tedspread
#getbackup#resiliance #ghosting #ghost #datingcoaching #CarrieBradshawknows #runwayroadkill#raisedbywolves #ohnoyoudidnt #datingcoaching #rejectionindating
photo credits where available;
photo credit where credits due; Photo credit: Nicole Nicky via Visualhunt / CC BY-NC
Photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/56627607@N05/16173056779/">Nicole Nicky</a> via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/photos/sky/">Visualhunt</a> / <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc/2.0/">CC BY-NC</a>