The Fallacy of the 'COOL GIRL' and why playing it cool, rarely gets the love

The Cool Girl.  She's so easy breezy, drama free, roll with the punches, always up for a good time, ride or die chick.   She is available for fun, whenever, wherever.  She doesn’t make demands on her new love interests.  She doesn’t inquire about messages that go unanswered, dates that are canceled last minute nor does she pay any mind to the fact they are still on dating apps, 3 months into seeing each other. 

The Cool Girl always has their back, and will support you through it all, whilst never expecting any acknowledgement or commitment in return. 

You need a cheer leader for that new job interview? Give me a ‘C’! 

You need a cheerleader to get over your Ex? Give me a ‘O’! 

You need a cheerleader for your sick mom?  Give me an ‘O’!

How about a cheerleader for that redundancy you didn’t see coming?  GIVE ME A ‘L’!! 

What does that spell?? COOL! COOL! COOL!

Yup. She does it ALL whilst never asking for much in return.

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The COOL GIRL never say’s I LOVE YOU, first.  She never has the big relationship ‘talk’.  She never say’s their behavior is unacceptable.  Rush? What rush? There is no rush from a cool girl!  Cause’ she is WAY TOO COOL for all that. 

She is both too cool to care and too cool to make waves, whilst simultaneously being their BFF, with so many benefits.

And that nonchalance? That uber coolness… is why people fall madly in love with her, right?

WRONG!

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We think, by playing to cool… by being a consummate bad ass support, by not challenging others to meet our needs, to love us and to show up for us, that will ‘make’ someone want to stay. HOWEVER, time and time again, that is not how that story ends. 

This is the fallacy of the Cool Girl. 

And it is most certainly, a cautionary tale!

Now, here is an all more common bed time story.  Girl does all of the above, and possibly so much more.  She blends into the walls, being all laughs and good times.  She NEVER says she want’s something serious, yet she is fulfilling all the boss ass roles of the perfect girlfriend.  She helps them through some of the toughest times in their life, she is a barrel of laughs, drinking beer with the boys, no pressure, no drama perfection… and then, THEY LEAVE.

Uh oh, the Cool Girl is a hot mess, now. 

WHY?, She laments.  I did EVERYTHING for them! I was sooooo easy, breezy, calm and collected!  I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING and I DID EVERYTHING for them!  How could they not SEE what an amazing partner I would be????

Ready for a psychology truth bomb?  Take cover!

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Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to a person, its obligates you to DO something.  Committed long term relationships, ARE WORK.  Hard work. Worthy work.

People make commitments to other people based more from obligation, then from passion. 

They feel it is the right thing to do. AND, they feel they are a better person for doing so.  They have experienced some of the ‘work’ and they have experienced some of the reward, from that work.  Psychologically, we are driven to commit, because it is being required of us to continue on the path, to attain more of what is giving us the sensory of accomplishment and appreciation.   

In hetero normative relationships, add in a healthy dose of gender socialization for, um, millennia, and you have MEN who have an overwhelming need to provide.

The Cool Girl?  She did all the providing.  She required no sense of obligation.  She never gave them the chance to do any of the work, so they never experienced the reward.  They also never truly experienced reward, accomplishment and appreciation based on that work.

PLUS, she never truly showed her cards, she was TOO COOL to express the deep emotions she felt for this persons, TO BE VULNERABLE.   When we are vulnerable, we do indeed open ourselves up to the possibility to rejection and hurt, HOWEVER it is through that very same open space, that void of need, that someone can step in, AND PROVIDE LOVE!

The reality is, the more instructive you are about what you want and need, the more clearly defined the role is for someone to actually, FILL IT!

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And don’t even get me started on how, even when we do ‘get the partner’ the devastation that follows when you do, drop the cool girl persona, and start truly showing up as you, does to a partnership.  ‘They were SO different when we first met!’ becomes a battle cry that couples have a very, VERY hard time getting out from under.

Any pennies dropping for you, dearest one?

Feel like I am telling your story?  

Are you a COOL GIRL?  How’s that been truly serving you?  

What will YOU do to drop the cool and make them WERRRK for it?

Putting the cart before the horse, in LOVE.

What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
-Tina Turner

Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?!   Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!! 

We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!


I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”

From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?” 



Ever hear that old phrase...   You can’t put the cart before the horse?  

image; pixabay

Well  darling,  LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart.   CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!

However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.


So how do we connect with others?  how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?

image via Pixabay

• We connect with others through clear open communication.

• We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.

• We connect to others by listening to what they have to say. 

• We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves. 

• We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all. 

• We connect with others by asking for help.

• We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.

• We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.

There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.


The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.



A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes.  Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!

image via Pixabay

Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?!   WHAT IF THEY DO??????  No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!

Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners. 


We blame time. Life is so busy! 

We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?

We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us.  THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!

We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!   
 

Blame, is never very helpful. 


This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy!  This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!



So, how’s that horse of yours?  I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time. 

What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?

What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?

The LAW OF ATTRACTION... WTAF is it? And why is it NOT working for you?

The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire.  Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!

 
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction?  And how does it really work?

image: unsplash.com

Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
 

If someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience.  If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience.  In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situation, experiences and even, material objet into their life.

 
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)


 
A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story! 

Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION.  Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously.  In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting!  Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
 
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice!  What if that was ten offers? Twenty? 

Head. Officially. Done. In.


 
Of course, changing or mindset, being more positive has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality.  Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things!

 
But the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’  
 
It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.    

Affirmations will not do the trick alone!

Darling %FIRSTNAME%,  please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what either make the Law of Attraction actually work or not work!

 

For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY. 

We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it.  The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.

 

If I walk down the street, yelling JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!

I may actually attract some job offers.  Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop?  NO?  Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!  

 
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA. 

If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond…  with a puppy!  Which, I mean PUPPY (!!!OMG!!!) HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different.  We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look you’re going for!

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR.  TAKE GREAT CARE…

Take great care and time, and energy, heck even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.    
 
 
 
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?

Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...

One of the largest proponents for LOA, is THE SECRET. 
 
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret.  Lemme tell ya why! 

The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present. 
 
Back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
 
Hold up.  Have you even bought a lottery ticket?  Oh, no?  Um….


 
Now, how about “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
 
Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now? 
 
What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?)  who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important.  They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing.   ACTION!


 

Here’s is the deal.  For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING!  You must take actions, risk, time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even MONEY, to attract the things you want.

Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl.  Hard, worthy work! 
 
I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS!  WOMP WOMP.

However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!

In closing;
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
 
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
 
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.
 
If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!


 
 

I went LIVE about this very topic just the other day in the FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE facebook group.  All day, every day, I am in that group handing out inspiration, tips, techniques and so much love...

YOU should totally JOIN OUR GIRL GANG!

FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE - A Facebook Group, of community & solidarity, for fierce like-minded women out in the jungle looking for love!

And the crown for BEST ATTACHMENT STYLE goes to...

Over the last weeks, I have been posting about Attachment Styles, and how understanding and accepting your own attachment style was one of the most crucial keys to changing the dynamic in how you seek, attract, give and receive LOVE!

In case you missed ityou can catch up with learning about the AVOIDANT attachment style, here  and the ANXIOUS attachment style, here

Today, it's ALL aboard… the SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE train!
 

3 of 3 in the Attachment Style series,
THE BEST ATTACHMENT STYLE, REVEALED!

 
 
I mentioned last week, that this was one of those rare topics where everybody, doesn’t get a prize. 

That there was a specific attachment style that is, the winner.  An attachment style that is THE BEST type to be when it comes to giving and receiving love AND when it comes to long term success and happiness, in relationships.  
 

And the crown goes to…

THE SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE!

Oh yes. I said it.  The best type of attachment, is SECURE.  

It’s the best to find in a partner, it’s the best to overlay over, our own default attachment style.
 
I always think of it as the story of the Tortoise and the Hare.  The secure type is the tortoise, the slow and steady wins the race kinda’ gal or guy.   Whilst the Avoidant is the hopping hare, jumping away quickly and the Anxious is the hopping hare, jumping up and down frantically without getting anywhere.   The Secure Tortoise plods along, winning the race.
 
The Secure attachment style folks, are solid, reliable, consistent, calm, steady, resilient and direct communicators.  Secure types inherently have an overall deep sense of trust, worthiness, dignity and respect, first for themselves and then, for others.  They believe themselves to be trustworthy and they will extend that same trust to you, almost immediately.  They are incredibly respectful and are often completely befuddled when respect is not an immediate part of the negotiations.  

And don’t even try to play the jealously game with a secure type. You know, when you want to ‘test their love’ and subsequently drive yourself a bit crazy trying to poke them so they get jealous.  Chances are, they won’t blink. 

They are with you, because they trust you. If they didn’t trust you, they wouldn’t be with you. Simple, cut and dry, that’s the secure type.   So they’re not going to get jealous. It’s a emotional response they just don’t go to and if they do find themselves in a relationship that does not have trust, dignity respect and calm, two things will happen.  They will walk away.  They will lose their secure attachment style and get all sorts of Avoidant and/or Anxious. 
 
Secure Attachment styles do not freak out when things get intimate, they don’t constantly worry about  their relationship status.

Do Secure types have any downsides? 

Of course!  Secure types, can be so resilient, have almost too much of saint like patience, that they put up with way more crap in a relationship then they should. 

They can become so involved with their need for security and steadiness that they don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ by bringing up things they are unhappy about within a relationship. 

They can become so disorientated in a relationship with a partner who is avoidant or anxious, in a relationship that doesn’t allow for free flowing trust, dignity and connection, that they lose their innate sense of security and latch on to a different attachment style.  
 
 
 
Remember, we can change and overlay any attachment we want, both consciously and unconscionably, and often people who start off in life and even in early relationships as quite secure can find themselves now, many years later, quite anxious or avoidant.  Maybe they had their security threatened as a young child, maybe their Anxious partner has threatened their calm sense of security, maybe after years of dating avoidants, they have lost their sense of belief and security in love in general.
 
 
Last downside? 

Secure types are often pass over in dating, quite easily.  Let’s face it, the secure attachment style isn’t the most glamorous.  And it sure doesn’t sound like what all the messaging (songs, poems and rom-coms) are telling us, about love.  Where’s the drama? Where’s the fireworks?  Where’s the plate smashing???  In today’s modern world, we can mistake these secure types for disinterested, lack luster and even label them a bore!  Especially if we are usually are an Anxious attachment style.  And if we are avoidant?? Ooof, the consistent intimacy offered by secure types?  Freaks. Us. Out.

 

What can we do if we want to attract a secure type, be more of Secure type OR keep a secure type in our current relationship?

In Dating…

Once we truly familiarize ourselves with the Secure Attachment style, even in just reading these blogs I offered, you will begin to be able to spot the three attachment styles in yourself and in others.  With the women I work with privately, most of which are NOT naturally secure types or sure aren’t after years of unsuccessful dating and relationships, we focus in on building self worth and faith in ourselves and love.   Remember, someone with a secure attachment style, is someone who expects respect, dignity and trust because they offer those things freely.  If we want to not only attract a secure type, but also BE more secure in our offering of love, we need to walk the walk! 

In Relationships...

When one partner is secure and the other is not, the work for the partner who is NOT secure mimics the work above.  However, we also work deeply on communication skills, so they can understand their secure partner AND communicate their own anxiety and avoidance in a way that produces a constructive way forward for both towards one another. 

For the secure partner, sometimes we need to create a safe, loving atmosphere for them to feel secure enough, to 'rock the boat' and communicate the concerns they have about the partnership. 


 
If, after reading these blogs, you are still unsure which attachment style you are OR what you can start doing to lay bold claim to the SECURE attachment style, I invite you to get on the phone with me, and have a chat!  

I’m currently offering my signature  FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love Call, and would love to hop on the line, and have that chat with you in the next couple of weeks!

Dear Anxious Attachment Style peeps...

Earlier in the week, I emailed you about Attachment Styles, and how understanding and accepting your own attachment style was one of the most crucial keys to changing the dynamic in how you seek, attract, give and receive LOVE! 

First on the LOVE LETTER chopping block was the AVOIDANT attachment style; In case you missed that blog, feel free to read it here


Today, we are going to dip in and have a sneaky peek at the ANXIOUS attachment style. AND how this effects who we choose as partners AND how we engage in relationships.  This fascinating topic & blog series,  applies to those looking for love… AND those fighting to keep that love!


Let's get to it, shall we? 


THE ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE;

image:Giphy.com

This is not one, we want to acknowledge. I mean, right from the title 'anxious attachment', it doesn't sound like something we want to lay bold claim to, now does it?

However, unless we do just that.. acknowledge and accept… we cannot gain the learning and the tools to overcome it either.
 
I'll go first; Hello, my name is Jessica Elizabeth, and I absolutely have the Anxious attachment style.

 
When our attachment gets activated, we zoom in on the frenetic energy.  We cling to the highs and lows, the roller coaster and 'FALLING' in love, is what we know best.  We spend time worrying about what they're doing when they're not with us, and worrying about what they're thinking about, whilst they're with us. We over analyze our own behaviors and actions, desperately trying to root out, what did we do, that put them off?  How did WE screw k this up.  Often frantically caught up in our own heads with how to make our relationship better, even if things are actually going quite well.
 
Oh my, we HEART fantasy, big time!  To escape into our own heads and fantasize and catastrophize about our relationships, it's a gold medal sport for us! 
 
We struggle to find contentment, to allow ourselves to enjoy the moment when its working, because we fear and feed off the thoughts of what happens, when it's not working.  Overly sensitive to others feelings and actions and prone to own the whole process, the responsibility of connection and love, as ours and ours alone to create and sustain. 

We question ourselves and our partners constantly.  Whatcha' thinking?  How much do you love me?  Do I really love this person?  Is he/she THE ONE? What if they're not? Am I wasting my time? Why haven't they sent a Good Morning text today? Are they losing interest? What if my family doesn't like them?  How soon is too soon to intro them to family?  What if I get a dream job offer 10 years from now in another country, will they come?  And about 50 others on a relatively exhausting loop.    Sound familiar?

image: Giphy.com

When someone who has the Anxious attachment style, dates Avoidant types, it ain't pretty… however there is something about push and pull of their kind of attachment, that speaks to our anxiety, that activates the anxiety…that we are drawn to, like moths to a flame.  

That's because it's REALLY easy to confuse our anxious attachment with the intense crazy feelings that all the poets and songwriters describe, when it comes to LOVE.  
 
"You got me so crazy in love" – Beyonce
 
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh… is right Queen Bey! 

i,age: Giphy.com

How do we move forward if this is our attachment type?



In dating...

Some of us, after years and years, and years of the love struggle being realAF, finally get so spun out on the crazy love, that we finally welcome something, someone, different.   
 
Sometimes it's the right decision! (hallelujah sweet, sweet surrender!!)
 
Sometimes we settle for someone, not right for us, not able to love us, because we are just so broke down and jaded. 


 
Want to skip the years and years?  Already invested the years and years?


 
Here's a secret.  CHEMISTRY isn't what you probably think it is…
 
Chemistry by definition is the combination of elements along with a catalyst that creates a reaction and something completely new.
 
The catalyst, is THE SPARK we all spend so much time and energy chasing.  However, the SPARK is not chemistry.  It's just the catalyst.  ALL THE OTHER ELEMENTS MUST BE PRESENT TOO!   If you have all the other elements…  shared hobbies, shared sense of humor, core values, easy conversation, shared goals and ideals… but no spark?  NO CHEMISTRY.
 
If you have THE SPARK but very few or none of the important elements of long term companionship.  NO CHEMISTRY.

Once we are aware that we are predisposed to confuse our anxiety with feelings of love.  Once we clearly define what we really want AND need in a relationship.
 
We have some power over our default attachment style. We are back in the drivers seat, where we belong!
 
 


In relationships...

Often when the Anxious attachment types meet and start a relationship with someone who has a Secure attachment style, over time, we mellow out. We finally feel consistently safe enough, due to the other persons Secure attachment style, we realize that all this worry, obsessing over getting it right, the constant fear of the future, is not warranted and not helpful. We can relax into the serenity and calm of this kind of love.  We can adopt and make our very own, the SECURE attachment style.
 
Sometimes, we never allow ourselves to enjoy it. We push that Secure person away.  We doubt the connection cause.. where the fireworks? Where's the passion? WHERE'S THE DRAMA???? 


You may find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant!  This does not mean, you necessarily have to get out of dodge, however, you do have the power to change the current dynamic, from your end!


You can choose to make yourself crazy with worry, constant questioning, chasing your avoidant partner all over the house asking and demanding of them, what they simply cannot offer, i.e. the constant validation you seekOR  you can choose to accept them as they are, and meet your own needs.  Get on that self love and self care train... fill the well from within!  

Wherever you find yourself on loves journey, either in or out of a relationship, ABUNDANCE is a life saver for the Anxious attachment style folks. 

There is infinite love flowing all around you, no need to hustle, chase and worry yourself sick that you will not get your due.  Love is coursing all around you, flowing freely from inside of you and into you! TAP IN!  

image: giphy.com

Do you know your LOVE attachment style? Are you avoiding love in dating & relationships? YIKES!

Lately, I’ve been digging in a bit again, around 'attachment' styles. WOW, is this really fascinating stuff!

Over the next couple of weeks I will be guiding you through a brief introduction to these various attachment styles, so you can begin to identify your own default style, rumble with how that’s effecting both your search for love AND how you are engaging in your current relationship + how to begin to change up your attachment style for better results in love and relationships.

YES. You read that right.  These next few blogswill be invaluable to those who are still looking for love AND those fighting to keep love! 

Attachment styles, is our natural default engagement with attraction, attachment and love.

Attachment styles, directly influence who we choose, how we interpret feelings of love, how we respond to love and how we show love.

There are three major attachment styles, Anxious, Avoidant and Secure.

Oh, and this is NOT one of those contests, where everybody gets a prize.  There is ONE DEFINITIVE attachment style that is THE BEST. That when we are OR overlay this particular type we have better, longer lasting, happier and more fulfilled relationships!  So stay tuned, throughout this series, dearest ones!

First up… the AVOIDANT Attachment Style!

The Avoidant attachment style is REALLY interesting.

The avoidant style always manifests itself. Which is to say, it requires some proactive thought or action, even if only subconsciously to consistently be maneuvering to keep people, and partners at an arm’s length.  The Avoidant attachment style, determines to a great degree what you expect from relationships, how you engage with romantic situations, how you interpret what prospective and actual partners want from you and want to give to you.

The Avoidant often self-identify as ‘free spirits’ and they view ‘NEEDS’, especially needing other people, as a weakness. The avoidant will tend to repress emotions instead of expressing them.  When someone takes a step closer to them, offering connection, intimacy and even safety, the avoidant will take two steps back. 

Here is the super abbreviated version of what you really need to know;

1. We come across them SO MUCH whilst dating because they are the largest population of the dating pool.. they avoid relationships, so stay single and dating longer and/or have a higher turn over in relationships, hence dipping in and out of the dating pool more often. (#ghosting #mixedmessages #saytheywantarelationshipthensaytheydont)

2. Avoidant can be a secondary attachment style, many of us adopt and lay over our natural attachment style as a survival skill. We come to believe, maybe after being hurt in love or due to abandonment or instability (as example) in our childhoods that self-reliance and avoiding attachment is the safer option. This self-reliance is fear based, so please don't confuse it with independence. It ain't, doll. I often witness women brandish 'I don't need a partner/I love my single status' as a shield (and a mask) which is not truly authentic OR helpful, if it comes from a place of fear and ego! And by 'witness', I mean I've also seen it in the mirror too! 😲

For those in relationships, we may have been hurt by our current partner, so we recede into the depths and into our fortresses, avoiding intimacy and vulnerability, for protection.  Again, if we are engaging with love from a place of anger, resentment and fear...then we‘re not engaging with love, at all. If our partners actions are forgivable, we need to forgive and if they aren’t, if there is no love left on the table worth fighting for, it may be time to stop digging and move on.

3. For those of us with a more anxious attachment style (more on that later) we are often drawn to and fall for the Avoidant because we confuse the highs and lows of our anxiety attachment with the feeling of 'falling in love'. Avoidants are the worst attachment style for Anxious types, as they cannot offer us the stability we require to feel safe. And yet, when we meet Secure attachment folks, because the frenetic energy of our own anxiety attachment, the crazy highs and lows, are not activated we think there is no 'spark'. Hellllo vicious cycle!

Fascinating stuff. And a bit of a head scramble, but in a good way! 🤣

Here are a few quick tips to help move you forward through and beyond The Avoidant Attachment Style.

How do we ‘avoid’ Avoidants whilst dating? 

Abundance is a top technique for dodging avoidants. The more people we date, the more active we are on meeting new people, the more likely we will get in front of people who do not have the avoidance attachment style. Of course really understanding and accepting our own attachment style, what we really NEED in a relationship (versus what we want sometimes) is they super duper ninja move.

Yikes, I may be in a committed relationship with an avoidant, are we doomed?

NO.  The Avoidant attachment style, like any other attachment style, can change.  Sometimes, they really want to love us, and the wall inside of them is blocking them, as much as it is you.  Threatening, badgering or making demands of an avoidant, is the worst possible tactic. They scare easy, no matter how tough they may act.  If you can consistently offer them safety, they will step out of the fortress.  This won’t happen overnight or even after a week of trying.  This is a long game, my dear.  Once you have created an atmosphere of safety, you can logically lay out how their behaviour makes you feel and tell them specifically what they can do to support and love you better. Think of it as saying “we’re here. Would you like to go there with me?  This is how we can get there together and it would be most helpful if YOU did X, Y, Z for us to get there.”

Uh oh, I am an Avoidant… now what?

There is a whole lotta work to do around changing and tempering your attachment style. KNOWING IS HALF THE BATTLE!  We can absolutely overlay other attachment styles, over our default. We can zig, when your attachment style is telling us to ZAG.  We can choose partners who offer a secure attachment style. If we are in a relationship, and we can see how our own avoidance is creating damage, we can have a brave conversation with our partners, let them know how we operate and what we need (scary word for the avoidant) from them to help us try to do better at giving and receiving love.

Later this week, I will be reviewing the Anxious attachment style, so stay tuned!

Attachment styles is a well researched area of human engagement and connection;  covering it ALL in a blog, will never be possible.  Helping individuals and couples understand, accept and move forward with their attachment styles is part of the deeper work I do with my private clients. 

There are many MANY books on this however one I have come to rely on is 'ATTACHED, by Dr Amir Levine & Rachel Heller'.  #recommendedreading

xx 💘

#attachmentstyles #avoidantattachmentstyle #dating #relationships #betterrelationships #choosingbetterpartners #love