Putting the cart before the horse, in LOVE.

What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
-Tina Turner

 

 

Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?!   Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!! 

We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!


I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.

From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?” 



Ever hear that old phrase...   You can’t put the cart before the horse?  

image; pixabay

image; pixabay

Well  darling,  LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart.   CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!

However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.


So how do we connect with others?  how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?

image via Pixabay

image via Pixabay

 

  • We connect with others through clear open communication.

  • We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.

  • We connect to others by listening to what they have to say. 

  • We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves. 

  • We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all. 

  • We connect with others by asking for help.

  • We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.

  • We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.

There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.


The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.



A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes.  Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!

image via Pixabay

image via Pixabay

Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?!   WHAT IF THEY DO??????  No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!

Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners. 


We blame time. Life is so busy! 

We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?

We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us.  THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!

We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!   

 

Blame, is never very helpful. 


This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy!  This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!




So, how’s that horse of yours?  I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time. 



What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?


What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?

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