Over the last weeks, I have been posting about Attachment Styles, and how understanding and accepting your own attachment style was one of the most crucial keys to changing the dynamic in how you seek, attract, give and receive LOVE!
Today, it's ALL aboard… the SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE train!
3 of 3 in the Attachment Style series,
THE BEST ATTACHMENT STYLE, REVEALED!
I mentioned last week, that this was one of those rare topics where everybody, doesn’t get a prize.
That there was a specific attachment style that is, the winner. An attachment style that is THE BEST type to be when it comes to giving and receiving love AND when it comes to long term success and happiness, in relationships.
And the crown goes to…
THE SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE!
Oh yes. I said it. The best type of attachment, is SECURE.
It’s the best to find in a partner, it’s the best to overlay over, our own default attachment style.
I always think of it as the story of the Tortoise and the Hare. The secure type is the tortoise, the slow and steady wins the race kinda’ gal or guy. Whilst the Avoidant is the hopping hare, jumping away quickly and the Anxious is the hopping hare, jumping up and down frantically without getting anywhere. The Secure Tortoise plods along, winning the race.
The Secure attachment style folks, are solid, reliable, consistent, calm, steady, resilient and direct communicators. Secure types inherently have an overall deep sense of trust, worthiness, dignity and respect, first for themselves and then, for others. They believe themselves to be trustworthy and they will extend that same trust to you, almost immediately. They are incredibly respectful and are often completely befuddled when respect is not an immediate part of the negotiations.
And don’t even try to play the jealously game with a secure type. You know, when you want to ‘test their love’ and subsequently drive yourself a bit crazy trying to poke them so they get jealous. Chances are, they won’t blink.
They are with you, because they trust you. If they didn’t trust you, they wouldn’t be with you. Simple, cut and dry, that’s the secure type. So they’re not going to get jealous. It’s a emotional response they just don’t go to and if they do find themselves in a relationship that does not have trust, dignity respect and calm, two things will happen. They will walk away. They will lose their secure attachment style and get all sorts of Avoidant and/or Anxious.
Secure Attachment styles do not freak out when things get intimate, they don’t constantly worry about their relationship status.
Do Secure types have any downsides?
Of course! Secure types, can be so resilient, have almost too much of saint like patience, that they put up with way more crap in a relationship then they should.
They can become so involved with their need for security and steadiness that they don’t want to ‘rock the boat’ by bringing up things they are unhappy about within a relationship.
They can become so disorientated in a relationship with a partner who is avoidant or anxious, in a relationship that doesn’t allow for free flowing trust, dignity and connection, that they lose their innate sense of security and latch on to a different attachment style.
Remember, we can change and overlay any attachment we want, both consciously and unconscionably, and often people who start off in life and even in early relationships as quite secure can find themselves now, many years later, quite anxious or avoidant. Maybe they had their security threatened as a young child, maybe their Anxious partner has threatened their calm sense of security, maybe after years of dating avoidants, they have lost their sense of belief and security in love in general.
Secure types are often pass over in dating, quite easily. Let’s face it, the secure attachment style isn’t the most glamorous. And it sure doesn’t sound like what all the messaging (songs, poems and rom-coms) are telling us, about love. Where’s the drama? Where’s the fireworks? Where’s the plate smashing??? In today’s modern world, we can mistake these secure types for disinterested, lack luster and even label them a bore! Especially if we are usually are an Anxious attachment style. And if we are avoidant?? Ooof, the consistent intimacy offered by secure types? Freaks. Us. Out.
What can we do if we want to attract a secure type, be more of Secure type OR keep a secure type in our current relationship?
Once we truly familiarize ourselves with the Secure Attachment style, even in just reading these blogs I offered, you will begin to be able to spot the three attachment styles in yourself and in others. With the women I work with privately, most of which are NOT naturally secure types or sure aren’t after years of unsuccessful dating and relationships, we focus in on building self worth and faith in ourselves and love. Remember, someone with a secure attachment style, is someone who expects respect, dignity and trust because they offer those things freely. If we want to not only attract a secure type, but also BE more secure in our offering of love, we need to walk the walk!
When one partner is secure and the other is not, the work for the partner who is NOT secure mimics the work above. However, we also work deeply on communication skills, so they can understand their secure partner AND communicate their own anxiety and avoidance in a way that produces a constructive way forward for both towards one another.
For the secure partner, sometimes we need to create a safe, loving atmosphere for them to feel secure enough, to 'rock the boat' and communicate the concerns they have about the partnership.
If, after reading these blogs, you are still unsure which attachment style you are OR what you can start doing to lay bold claim to the SECURE attachment style, I invite you to get on the phone with me, and have a chat!