Earlier in the week, I emailed you about Attachment Styles, and how understanding and accepting your own attachment style was one of the most crucial keys to changing the dynamic in how you seek, attract, give and receive LOVE!
First on the LOVE LETTER chopping block was the AVOIDANT attachment style; In case you missed that blog, feel free to read it here
Today, we are going to dip in and have a sneaky peek at the ANXIOUS attachment style. AND how this effects who we choose as partners AND how we engage in relationships. This fascinating topic & blog series, applies to those looking for love… AND those fighting to keep that love!
Let's get to it, shall we?
THE ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE;
This is not one, we want to acknowledge. I mean, right from the title 'anxious attachment', it doesn't sound like something we want to lay bold claim to, now does it?
However, unless we do just that.. acknowledge and accept… we cannot gain the learning and the tools to overcome it either.
I'll go first; Hello, my name is Jessica Elizabeth, and I absolutely have the Anxious attachment style.
When our attachment gets activated, we zoom in on the frenetic energy. We cling to the highs and lows, the roller coaster and 'FALLING' in love, is what we know best. We spend time worrying about what they're doing when they're not with us, and worrying about what they're thinking about, whilst they're with us. We over analyze our own behaviors and actions, desperately trying to root out, what did we do, that put them off? How did WE screw k this up. Often frantically caught up in our own heads with how to make our relationship better, even if things are actually going quite well.
Oh my, we HEART fantasy, big time! To escape into our own heads and fantasize and catastrophize about our relationships, it's a gold medal sport for us!
We struggle to find contentment, to allow ourselves to enjoy the moment when its working, because we fear and feed off the thoughts of what happens, when it's not working. Overly sensitive to others feelings and actions and prone to own the whole process, the responsibility of connection and love, as ours and ours alone to create and sustain.
We question ourselves and our partners constantly. Whatcha' thinking? How much do you love me? Do I really love this person? Is he/she THE ONE? What if they're not? Am I wasting my time? Why haven't they sent a Good Morning text today? Are they losing interest? What if my family doesn't like them? How soon is too soon to intro them to family? What if I get a dream job offer 10 years from now in another country, will they come? And about 50 others on a relatively exhausting loop. Sound familiar?
When someone who has the Anxious attachment style, dates Avoidant types, it ain't pretty… however there is something about push and pull of their kind of attachment, that speaks to our anxiety, that activates the anxiety…that we are drawn to, like moths to a flame.
That's because it's REALLY easy to confuse our anxious attachment with the intense crazy feelings that all the poets and songwriters describe, when it comes to LOVE.
"You got me so crazy in love" – Beyonce
Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh… is right Queen Bey!
How do we move forward if this is our attachment type?
Some of us, after years and years, and years of the love struggle being realAF, finally get so spun out on the crazy love, that we finally welcome something, someone, different.
Sometimes it's the right decision! (hallelujah sweet, sweet surrender!!)
Sometimes we settle for someone, not right for us, not able to love us, because we are just so broke down and jaded.
Want to skip the years and years? Already invested the years and years?
Here's a secret. CHEMISTRY isn't what you probably think it is…
Chemistry by definition is the combination of elements along with a catalyst that creates a reaction and something completely new.
The catalyst, is THE SPARK we all spend so much time and energy chasing. However, the SPARK is not chemistry. It's just the catalyst. ALL THE OTHER ELEMENTS MUST BE PRESENT TOO! If you have all the other elements… shared hobbies, shared sense of humor, core values, easy conversation, shared goals and ideals… but no spark? NO CHEMISTRY.
If you have THE SPARK but very few or none of the important elements of long term companionship. NO CHEMISTRY.
Once we are aware that we are predisposed to confuse our anxiety with feelings of love. Once we clearly define what we really want AND need in a relationship.
We have some power over our default attachment style. We are back in the drivers seat, where we belong!
Often when the Anxious attachment types meet and start a relationship with someone who has a Secure attachment style, over time, we mellow out. We finally feel consistently safe enough, due to the other persons Secure attachment style, we realize that all this worry, obsessing over getting it right, the constant fear of the future, is not warranted and not helpful. We can relax into the serenity and calm of this kind of love. We can adopt and make our very own, the SECURE attachment style.
Sometimes, we never allow ourselves to enjoy it. We push that Secure person away. We doubt the connection cause.. where the fireworks? Where's the passion? WHERE'S THE DRAMA????
You may find yourself in a relationship with an avoidant! This does not mean, you necessarily have to get out of dodge, however, you do have the power to change the current dynamic, from your end!
You can choose to make yourself crazy with worry, constant questioning, chasing your avoidant partner all over the house asking and demanding of them, what they simply cannot offer, i.e. the constant validation you seekOR you can choose to accept them as they are, and meet your own needs. Get on that self love and self care train... fill the well from within!
Wherever you find yourself on loves journey, either in or out of a relationship, ABUNDANCE is a life saver for the Anxious attachment style folks.
There is infinite love flowing all around you, no need to hustle, chase and worry yourself sick that you will not get your due. Love is coursing all around you, flowing freely from inside of you and into you! TAP IN!