Dating Advice We Hate; Which ones no longer apply and why?

Spring boarding off this article in Bustle last week, where my expert knowledge was used (hurrah!), AND because so many of you, emailed me with your least favorite Dating Advice in response to that article… let’s unpack this topic a bit more, shall we?

Dating advice.  Everyone has some to give. Regardless if they have tried said advice, have an experience successfully finding love or even know your first name! 

Yeah, I’m looking at you complete stranger at the Starbucks!  Did I ask for your opinion on my love life?!?! 

I’ve always been way more reliant on experience based knowledge.  If you’ve been where I’ve been, AND YOU GOT OUT, show me how it worked for you.  However, even experience has its own pitfalls. What works for one person won’t necessarily always work for the next person.  But hey, at least it’s been beta tested!

My preferred commentators in life, are people who have personal experience, have the track record helping others and have done the research across the field to back it up.  

In the Bustle article, we covered these 3 baddies;

- You got to put yourself ‘out there’.

- Don’t be so picky.

- It will happen, when you least expect it

So let’s crack on and tackle some more of the dating advice WE hate!

Eyyyyye roll, please!!

Image via Giphy.com

'Play hard to get'  

What dos playing hard to get even mean?

Warning; there is no clear definition of ‘playing hard to get’, which is why so many people totally screw it up. And the laundry list of advice that follows on how to ‘play hard to get’ has you staring at this whole dating thing like an epic game of Jenga, afraid to breathe wrong in case the whole thing comes crashing down!  Someone once said to me, well you can’t tell them you’re in love with them right away!  Um, Why would I do that??  As if, the only two options are gushing TMI love at first sight OR Jenga level stealthAF! 

Be your most EMPOWERED you; 100% authentic, my body my rules, independent, busy ass chica, open-hearted you!  Know your own personal boundaries, and don't throw your whole life to the wind, the moment you meet someone new you fancy. There is a whole range of vocals between desperateAF and aloofAF, find where your heart honorably sings best... and SING!

'It’s a numbers game'

No. It’s not.  

Ask anyone who’s actually played that numbers game in dating, and they will look up at your bleary eyed from the land of crushing disappointment, completely exhausted.  Some of you, have already tried this. I know I have!  It’s a little game, I used to like to play, where I joined the newest apps, went on a flurry of dates with practically anyone who asks, then finding myself back peddling into ‘what fresh hell is this(!?)’, followed by throwing all the toys out the pram, taking myself off ALL the apps for much needed ‘a break’... then after a month or two, I’m bacccck! 

And, Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.   

The phrase, ‘QUALITY NOT QUANTITY’ comes to mind here. Big time.

There is no magic number to just how many dates you need to go on per month, it’s whatever is most comfortable and practical for you.   If you’ve been playing the NO numbers game… you do need to get out on dates, even if its just for a bit of practice.  Unless your postman is single, hot, and looking for commitment… umyeah, its high time you got out of your house girl!

'Wait at least 3 days before contact'

 

Totally, valid question; who contacts who, and when?

This is a big one. And the one that gives people the most anxiety. I mentioned the '3 day ruIe' however I've heard a whole range of day counts offered up by advice givers, from 1 day to 10 days, to 'the woman should never contact man first'! Yikes! 

I always encourage people to be as authentic and direct as they are capable of being.  If you really had a great time on the date, they should know you want to see them again before you even part ways. Yes, you heard that right... at the end of the date before you say farewell, have a voice!

You can up-level that by also setting the perimeters for contact right then and there too!   "I had a great time and would love to do this again soon. Call/Message me this week and we can sort when is best for both of us".  If you're afraid they’re not interested, darlin’ you're going to find out sooner or later anyways. Why not find out right away??  and save yourself the agony of checking your messages every day (or hour)!

Wanna have your mind blown?  MEN ARE GETTING HORRENDOUS DATING ADVICE TOO!  In fact, when you google ‘bad dating advice’… the first entire page is dedicated to the terrible advice MEN receive!   #mindblown

images from Giphy.com

Engage compassion mode, my dearest ones.

It’s a jungle out there, for ALL of us! 

STOP STOP STOP doing unto others as you would have done unto you!

“Do unto others as you would have done unto you.”

Ah yes, this time worn rule.

It’s pretty much the oldest rule in the book.

And in general it’s a gem in living a kind, contribution focused life HOWEVER here’s why, it doesn’t always apply to love and your relationship.

So many couples, follow this advice to the point of absolute frustration and detriment to their own well-being and relationship’s happiness.

When we follow the “do unto others as you would have done to yourself’ when it comes to giving and receiving love, we are missing an incredibly vital trick.  How I experience, understand and feel love, is often different to someone else. Depending on my unique upbringing, my hard-won journey to maturity, my personality type and my emotional values. 

Today, I am offering up a peep hole line of sight into major categories of how, most human beings, understand and confirm love.

photo; Clem Onojeghuo / Unsplash

TACTILE:

If I am a tactile person, signs of physical affection via touch is EVERYTHING to me.  You can say you love me a thousand times, but nothing… NOTHING makes my heart sing, like a tender cuddle.  Our act of hand holding, the way you randomly tussle my hair whilst I'm brushing my teeth, cradling my face in your hands before a kiss,  is a transference and acknowledgment of love I value deeply.  It's this act of touch, that drive home the accompanied statement of I Love you, that seals the deal for me.

ORATORY:

Likewise, if I am an oratory by nature, the caresses and embraces are nice and all, but until you say those three words, until you declare verbally and in great detail why you love me… I feel unsure of your committeemen to our union.  Those whispered promises of love, the enthusiastic compliments, the midday random 'love u' text messages...they send me to the moon and back.

ENVIRONMENTAL:

For some of us, environment is where it’s at.  When our partners create a thoughtful, safe environment that is trimmed with acts and notices of love, we get the assurances and love we need.  This can range from when our partners frame and tenderly hang pictures our shared adventures on the living room wall, to when we walk in from a long day at the office to a warm meal and a smile, that we know our partner did just because they knew we were having a shitty day.  Believe it or not, when we go out of our way to cater to our partners likes and needs to ensure they are comfortable in our homes, at parties, on holidays...these acts of staging the surroundings to accommodate and acknowledge them, show that we love them more than any flowers or heartfelt card every could.  For the environmentalist, its these moments that our heart swells as the carefully and lovingly curated environment reminds us at every turn, that we are loved.  

VISUAL: 

Similarly, there are those of us that require visual acts of love. 

If we can see it, we can believe it. 

The way our partner looks at us, the level of eye contact, the softness of the gaze sends shivers down our spine. Beyond eye contact (cause oh yes, for the visual lovers, there's more!) if it’s written or a visual token of your affections, like those flowers, cards , we will relish in this act of love like no other.  Many more typically environmental acts, such as the elaborate Pinterest worthy couples picture display you did in the living room?  We almost died, from the mega burst of love that sent us and it works like a charm every time we 'see' it!

Where many of us go wrong, is we expect our partners to register love on our personal terms.  We show them love, the way we would know we were loved. And we expect them to show us love, in terms we can understand even when we don’t communicate what that really means. 

The first hurtle is assumption.  I assume, that if this format is how I know I am best loved, then surely you are the same.    Chances are, they’re not.

In Gary Chapmans book, ‘The 5 Languages of Love’ he touches on these cornerstones of how we give and receive love.

Discovering our own language of love and our partners, is the start to casting away the non functional rule book of “Do unto others…”.

In my work with private clients, I always start with ensuring that each individual knows how they identifies and accepts love best.   A lot of us don’t know our own truly preferred method of receiving love!  

We are bombarded daily, by TV shows, movies, internet Top 10 lists, magazines and good ol’ compare and despair, of friends and family with what love ‘should’ look like, smell like and taste like. 

Only you, can answer this for you. 

This act of self- discovery, is the first step in establishing what forms of love are most meaningful and authentic to you. 

If you have saved every card past lovers have given you, if you have been known to dry out valentines roses… if when thinking back to your earlier stages of your current relationship, the moments that stand out, the moments ‘you knew he/she loved you’ are memories of catching them looking at you with pride, your eyes connecting in silence while a firework finale was going off in your heart… you might just be a visual lover.

 Of course, starting by taking a look at how we show love, is always a fierce indicator for how we want to receive it.  If you find yourself being the one who bought that digital frame filled with all of your holiday pics with your partner for your office desk, or find yourselfplanning the perfect weekend getaway at the golfing resort that also has a killer spa that your partner will LOVE, you might just be on team environment! 

If you’re making the effort to show love to your partner,  IN ANY FORMAT, you are already on the winning team HOWEVER if you can shift that to showing love in a way that truly resonates with them, to the format they recognize and appreciate most… BOOM!  Most valuable player award goes to….

If you are frustrated, and starting to worry that your partnership is in trouble and are questioning if this person loves you anymore because it sure doesn’t look, sound or feel like it?   This work is EPIC!   

Once you know what you NEED to feel loved, you can communicate that clearly, instead of just throwing spaghetti at the wall with your requests i.e. “Janet's husband did this, why don’t you ever do that?” Or sighing deeply, during that rom-com in hopes he/she picks up on the clue that they should be doing what the main characters are doing?   Which by the way, is setting your partner on a seemingly endless, triathlon without a map AND they’re probably feeling so lost and overwhelmed, they may have even given up on trying to ‘get it right’, cause even when they do what you ask, it still is never enough! 

Most importantly, once you are on the up and up with what makes your partners heart tick, and they yours, loving each other becomes a much easier task. 

AHHHHH yes, please! let’s get back to those days! 

Are you a visual lovah?? Enviromental??  Let us know your thoughts in the comments!

The sacred art of legging it out of a bad date [FIND LOVE]

If you are out there in the wilds of dating, and especially if you are ramping up the tempo of your online dating, mastering the art form that is getting out of a bad date, and doing it fast, is imperative.

There are more reasons for a date to go bad, then there are stars in the night sky. 

Your date…

-       Is rude to everyone that comes within a 1 mile radius of your table.

-       Is flirting with the waitress.

-       Won’t let you get a word in edgewise.

-       Is overpowering you with the aroma of body odor and whiskey.

-       Monotone story telling of the ins and out of their job as a paint peeler has you contemplating sticking a fork in your eye.

-       Shows up for a 2pm museum date still fall down drunk and in their clothes from the night before.

-       Doesn’t even remotely look like their profile pic (seriously, whose picture did they steal for that???)

-       Drops racial slurs like they just graduated the Third Reich SS boarding school

-    OR there is simply no spark whatsoever

First things first, you do NOT have to waste hours of your day being polite. 

You do NOT have to tough it out and you DO not have to volunteer yourself as a hostage. 

YOU. CAN. LEAVE!

I know. Crazy talk, right?

In my days of dating like a boss, learning how to nicely and firmly end a date before PTSD therapy was required, became a necessary survival skill.  AND, when done right, it’s the kindest mercy for everyone involved. 

NO ONE should have to waste their time on a bad date, including the hopeful yet, smelly, talkative, drunk ass person across from you, on it.

Here are the top 4 methods to legging it out of a bad date, fast! 

 

 

WONDER WOMAN TO THE RESCUE…
 

Most of us know the old reliable ‘get out of jail’ method.  You have a friend scheduled to call 20-30 minutes’ max into the date with a wild story about how they lost the keys to their house and you? YOU are the only person in the country who has the spare set AND must leave that very minute to meet your friend across town.  (

Generally speaking for safety reasons, its always a good thing to have a friend check in via text shortly into the date starting… in case your date is drinking a find Chianti over a plate of Fava beans!)

Photo; Henning Witzel/Unsplash

LIFE'S AN OPEN ROAD…
 

When setting up the date, why not suggest ‘let’s start’ with a coffee or a walk in the park, or drinks etc.. with the caveat that you can see where the night takes you? 

Most people like the spontaneity that this suggests but also they too know that this open-ended option allows breathing room to end the date for both of you. Suggest an activity that takes no more than 30-60 minutes, long enough for you to get to know them a bit, yet short enough to cut your losses and still join your friends after for some fun, If the date’s a non-starter.

SET THE CAT AMONGST THE PIGEONS...

Another way of setting the stage for possible escape, is to set the date amongst the pigeons. 

Let your date know, whilst you really want to meet up… you have a dinner that evening for a friend’s birthday, would they like to meet before for drinks around 7? Or, for that walk in the park at noon, you have career defining deadline at work on Monday and loads of prep to do, but an hour walking with them would be just the break you need . 

This method does a few things well. It shows you are keen to see them, to squeeze them in. It shows you have a life, priorities, friends, and ambition.

And if the date it going really well?  Set up for date number two right away! That cat will be just as keen to see you again, but this time for longer. 

The Saturday afternoon I met my now husband for 20-30 minute coffee… it was a ‘drive by’ as I headed uptown from a lunch date to an evening out with friends.  We were out again later that very same week for a proper dinner and aimlessly wandering of the Upper East Side finding excuses to keep talking, that lasted over 5 hours…

I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU…  

Empowerment is about finding our voice and living a life of integrity. 

Honesty is always the best policy HOWEVER honesty without compassion, is brutality.  The first time I tried this, I was shocked how well it went. It also was a huge booster to my self esteem.  Learning how to lay down boundaries will do that.  

I literally just waited till a break in the convo (which wasn’t hard, as the convo was painfully stilted!) and said “Hey, I don’t want to waste your time, you seem like a really nice guy, but I am just not feeling any real connection or spark here, wanna call it a night?”   The guy exhaled, laughed and agreed. He was being polite by staying!  

And yes, there was a bit of blubbering tears one time from another date when I suggested we tap each other out of this round. I stayed firm and kind but still got the hell out of there!

We are not going ANYONE any favors by staying past the expiration date!

I RIDE ALONE, BABY…

Finally. Never, EVER let them or you do the pick up service on date one. 

Make your own way to the first date is, so you can make your own way out of there at the time that suits you! If they have some elaborate romantic first date plan that involves driving out into the countryside, circle back to  ‘Life’s An Open Road’ and ‘Set the Cat Amongst the Pigeons’ right away lady! 

This last method is also a ‘safety first’ consideration.


 

What’s your tried and true method of legging it out of a bad date?  Give us all the dirt in the comments here!  

Oh shit. They’re cute & coming over here, RUN!!!!

“I can’t just walk up to people and start chatting them up, I get all flustered and tongue tied!”

         “I don’t know how to talk to people I fancy.”

                  “The moment I know they’re interested, I run in the other direction.”

                                "I don’t know what to say or where to even begin.”

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.   It’s one of the more common problems clients come to me for help.

Is it low confidence? Poor self-esteem? OR just old fashioned lack of charisma?

ALL THE ABOVE, DOLL.

 

Want TWO quick tools, you can start using today, that nails all three???

Who wouldn’t, right?

Charisma is how people are drawn to engage with others. It is not about being the loudest cheekiest person in the room. Charisma is not an arena only for the extroverted!  Introverts as well, can attract others to them, like bees to honey, too! 

 

Confidence is our outward bravery. It’s what we show the rest of the world.  Being brave enough to take up that bit more space in a room and to be unafraid to shine brighter.  It’s temporary, but don’t let that word freak you out, temporary is what confidence does best, it just means it has an expiration date.

 

Self Esteem, is our inward bravery.  What we know to be the truth about ourselves, our value, as measured by us and no one else.  It must come from within.  Ya’ know when your friends tell you how great you look, but you don’t believe that to be true, your self-esteem buckles and you give them an eye roll or even feel a sense of shame flush your cheeks in response to the compliments?  Yeah. Self-esteem must come from within. And the expiration date of our confidence is directly linked to our sense of self-worth.

 

Discover and immerse yourself into your passions and things you love. 

1.     Charisma: When we are immersed in our passions, hobbies, etc. we are filled with excitement and conviction AND when we talk about what makes us happy, it innately will people will feel good in response.  Everyone loves to be around people who make them feel good. It’s contagious! 

2.     Confidence: We don’t want to cultivate faux confidence or fool hearty bravery, we want to be standing tall in our space.  The more often we are talking about and doing things we genuinely love, our confidence to engage with others in conversation about it, or even invite them along for the ride, soars! 

3.     Self Esteem: We build self-worth by doing worthy things in this life. That is not limited to epic Malala Yousafzai world changing level things; every time we take action to make our lives more bountiful, more fulfilling, and offer contribution we add to our own inner bravery and self worth.  Not only do we feel confident enough to chat about what we are in to with others, we KNOW we have all the proof, actions, and lifestyle to back it up!

Feel excited when you meet someone.

1.     Charisma: Walk into every date, energized with a high level of excitement. EX. Take a few moments and call on a time you were super excited about.  Your first plane ride?  The day your niece was born?  That moment the call came in that you got the big job?   Step into that moment and channel that excitement… then when you greet them, let that excitement show.  If you are happy when you meet someone, they will also feel happy.  Who doesn’t want to engage with someone who is genuinely overflowing with excitement to be there AND meet them. 

2.     Confidence: What better way to boost our confidence then to recall the factual evidence of other successes and exciting times in our lives?  Confidence isn’t only shown verbally.  Our body language is the difference between walking into a room like we own it AND wall flowering sheepishly through the front door. Conjuring up this confidence by using a prompt from moments we felt joy, transforms our body language.

3.     Self Esteem: GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE!  That’s me, banging my gratitude drum. People who actively curate an attitude of gratitude feed their self-worth feasts o’ plenty.  Every example I gave above of ‘moments’ to remember, are also moments of gratitude.  Every time we utilize gratitude, we build self-esteem.

Take these bad boys on a test drive!  I always love to hear how you get on with applying these two tips into your life and taking the big step to connection!  

How do you spot the right ones? Core Values and LOVE...

image by Freddy Marshcall via Unsplash

“Begin with the end in mind”.    - Stephen Covey  

That Stephen, he’s a smart cookie.

I can’t say it enough.  Knowing exactly what you are looking for and why, creates a huge shift and mega results in your search for love.  Whether that be, from how you filter out the ones who aren’t right for you,  to manifesting and attracting the ones that are.

I spend a whole lot of time ‘Defining Your Search’ with clients, multiple sessions sometimes, and its the very first thing we discuss in our work together.

Being absolutely clear about what you want AND need in a relationship and a partner, is hugely empowering. 

We want to go from shooting arrows in every direction, wishing and hoping we hit SOMETHING... to shooting arrows in one specific direction, hoping to not just hit something, but SOMEONE, real and right, for us!

It's best, to start with defining a long list of traits we WANT in a partner.

Try to quiet the 'yeah buts' and the 'better keep it realistic' scarcity gremlins in your head.  It's okay to dream a bit here. Let yourself go, doll... promise you want plummet to disaster over a writing exercise!

THEN, we need to have a separate list of exactly what we NEED in a partner and relationship, to be happy and fulfilled, long term.  These are the MUST HAVE'S, the items we know we NEED to be happy and healthy long tern, usually they are also the items that have been deal breakers in the past.

In order to really sort that… we must be concrete about what our values are so this whole ‘happily ever after’ thang, stands a real chance!  

Values are a tricky thing. 

When I ask people what are their core values, we all love to reply with a long list of stunning beauties like honesty, open-mindedness, kindness... to name a few.

Here’s a bomb.  Our core values, aren’t always wearing a flowing silk dress with flawless red lipstick.  Sometimes core values, aren’t very pretty at all.

There are a lot of studies that show that Core Values are developed as early as ages 2-12 years old.  In our ‘download’ formative years. And what we download from our environment, our families, our early social & educational interactions, isn’t always beautiful.  

Core Values are our default drivers. 

They are not who we would like to be, how we are able to be once we have layered in reason, therapy, coaching etc.. they are what is the very first whisper in our ear when a situation arises.  Our worthy instincts AND our feared up gut reaction, in equal parts on some days.

I have worked with clients who have an overwhelming Core Value for financial security, with a point of origin of their family always struggling and moving from town to town for jobs as a child.

This Core Value of Financial Security drives their decision making.

Sometimes for good. Sometimes not. 

Economic Security Examples;

We save every dollar/pound we ever make, rarely unless under extreme pressure, opting to treat themselves to an expensive item or even a holiday.

We book the cheaper version of said holiday, because that core value is saying “you can’t spend that much!!” and then wind up on a dismal trip, eying the other holiday makers with envy and kicking ourselves for not upgrading.

In our relationships; We may have a partner who loves to spend money faster than they can make it.  In some ways, they push us out of our comfort zone to upgrade that trip (yay!) but mostly, we find ourselves constantly fighting over money and in a constant state of high anxiety. Both parties feel limited and pressured by the other, and resentment becomes a way of life and love.  No beuno!

For the most part, our Core Values, good or bad, cannot be changed easily.  Usually it takes a seismic event, like birth, death or total heartbreak to shift them immediately. 

Someone who’s drive for security has had them working at the same job they hate for years suddenly quits and moves to Thailand to be a yoga instructor after being in a near death car accident.

While, someone who Core Value of freedom has previously driven them to never settle down or commit, takes on a full time job in order to become the best father and partner overnight when they’re child is born.

Core Values are our real-time default drivers, that guide almost every decision we make in our lives.

Getting to terms with what your Core Values are, the handful of ‘MUST HAVES’ is crucial if you want to find a partner who will either share them or compliment them, so you can be happy healthy and free within that relationship for years to come.

Divorce and end of long term partnerships are rarely about love lost.  Its often that these two people CAN’T  LIVE TOGETHER ONE MORE MOMENT WITH BLOOD BEING SPILLED or perhaps less gory, they can’t live another moment feeling so stifled and such anxiety every day.  Oh ‘irreconcilable differences’ you nasty little gremlins.  There is a reason that 80% of these splits are over money, parenting and lifestyle. 

And its called CORE VALUES. 

With the couples I work with, more often than not, there core values are out of alignment AND they don’t even know it!

Once you know what truly drives your desires, thoughts, decisions and needs; you can accommodate them.  You can also choose partners who share your values AND even choose partners who offer some values you need, to shake it up.  

Here are a few quick tips to get you started down the very long road of understanding who are what you really are….

1 – Engage Compassion. 

This is a journey of self-discovery, lean into the widening space of who you truly are, without judgement, perfection, expectation or punishment. No one is perfect. This is not a journey of change, it’s one of understanding, self awareness  and compassion.

2 - Use technology to discover your Core Values

Believe it or not, psychometric tests like Meyer Briggs and DISC are amazing ways to access core values.  I always hated taking them, when applying for jobs, and the pressure of that particular environment often tweaks the results.  I mean come one, have any of us really, REALLY answered all those questions honestly when our next career move was on the line?   I utilize the DISC method with my own clients.

3 - Examine your historical data

Taking a hard look at what have been deal breakers in your past relationships, is also most useful. 

4- Seek professional expert help.  

Engaging with a coach or therapist who specializes in Core Value work, is the easiest, most epic way to get right down to the root of it, fast!

We’ve all heard it from people in long term relationships… the looks fade, the sex mellows; what keeps that little old couple holding hands?  Friendship, compatibility, and living in congruence with their core values.