The sacred art of legging it out of a bad date [FIND LOVE]

If you are out there in the wilds of dating, and especially if you are ramping up the tempo of your online dating, mastering the art form that is getting out of a bad date, and doing it fast, is imperative.

There are more reasons for a date to go bad, then there are stars in the night sky. 

Your date…

-       Is rude to everyone that comes within a 1 mile radius of your table.

-       Is flirting with the waitress.

-       Won’t let you get a word in edgewise.

-       Is overpowering you with the aroma of body odor and whiskey.

-       Monotone story telling of the ins and out of their job as a paint peeler has you contemplating sticking a fork in your eye.

-       Shows up for a 2pm museum date still fall down drunk and in their clothes from the night before.

-       Doesn’t even remotely look like their profile pic (seriously, whose picture did they steal for that???)

-       Drops racial slurs like they just graduated the Third Reich SS boarding school

-    OR there is simply no spark whatsoever

First things first, you do NOT have to waste hours of your day being polite. 

You do NOT have to tough it out and you DO not have to volunteer yourself as a hostage. 

YOU. CAN. LEAVE!

I know. Crazy talk, right?

In my days of dating like a boss, learning how to nicely and firmly end a date before PTSD therapy was required, became a necessary survival skill.  AND, when done right, it’s the kindest mercy for everyone involved. 

NO ONE should have to waste their time on a bad date, including the hopeful yet, smelly, talkative, drunk ass person across from you, on it.

Here are the top 4 methods to legging it out of a bad date, fast! 

 

 

WONDER WOMAN TO THE RESCUE…
 

Most of us know the old reliable ‘get out of jail’ method.  You have a friend scheduled to call 20-30 minutes’ max into the date with a wild story about how they lost the keys to their house and you? YOU are the only person in the country who has the spare set AND must leave that very minute to meet your friend across town.  (

Generally speaking for safety reasons, its always a good thing to have a friend check in via text shortly into the date starting… in case your date is drinking a find Chianti over a plate of Fava beans!)

Photo; Henning Witzel/Unsplash

LIFE'S AN OPEN ROAD…
 

When setting up the date, why not suggest ‘let’s start’ with a coffee or a walk in the park, or drinks etc.. with the caveat that you can see where the night takes you? 

Most people like the spontaneity that this suggests but also they too know that this open-ended option allows breathing room to end the date for both of you. Suggest an activity that takes no more than 30-60 minutes, long enough for you to get to know them a bit, yet short enough to cut your losses and still join your friends after for some fun, If the date’s a non-starter.

SET THE CAT AMONGST THE PIGEONS...

Another way of setting the stage for possible escape, is to set the date amongst the pigeons. 

Let your date know, whilst you really want to meet up… you have a dinner that evening for a friend’s birthday, would they like to meet before for drinks around 7? Or, for that walk in the park at noon, you have career defining deadline at work on Monday and loads of prep to do, but an hour walking with them would be just the break you need . 

This method does a few things well. It shows you are keen to see them, to squeeze them in. It shows you have a life, priorities, friends, and ambition.

And if the date it going really well?  Set up for date number two right away! That cat will be just as keen to see you again, but this time for longer. 

The Saturday afternoon I met my now husband for 20-30 minute coffee… it was a ‘drive by’ as I headed uptown from a lunch date to an evening out with friends.  We were out again later that very same week for a proper dinner and aimlessly wandering of the Upper East Side finding excuses to keep talking, that lasted over 5 hours…

I’M JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU…  

Empowerment is about finding our voice and living a life of integrity. 

Honesty is always the best policy HOWEVER honesty without compassion, is brutality.  The first time I tried this, I was shocked how well it went. It also was a huge booster to my self esteem.  Learning how to lay down boundaries will do that.  

I literally just waited till a break in the convo (which wasn’t hard, as the convo was painfully stilted!) and said “Hey, I don’t want to waste your time, you seem like a really nice guy, but I am just not feeling any real connection or spark here, wanna call it a night?”   The guy exhaled, laughed and agreed. He was being polite by staying!  

And yes, there was a bit of blubbering tears one time from another date when I suggested we tap each other out of this round. I stayed firm and kind but still got the hell out of there!

We are not going ANYONE any favors by staying past the expiration date!

I RIDE ALONE, BABY…

Finally. Never, EVER let them or you do the pick up service on date one. 

Make your own way to the first date is, so you can make your own way out of there at the time that suits you! If they have some elaborate romantic first date plan that involves driving out into the countryside, circle back to  ‘Life’s An Open Road’ and ‘Set the Cat Amongst the Pigeons’ right away lady! 

This last method is also a ‘safety first’ consideration.


 

What’s your tried and true method of legging it out of a bad date?  Give us all the dirt in the comments here!  

Oh shit. They’re cute & coming over here, RUN!!!!

“I can’t just walk up to people and start chatting them up, I get all flustered and tongue tied!”

         “I don’t know how to talk to people I fancy.”

                  “The moment I know they’re interested, I run in the other direction.”

                                "I don’t know what to say or where to even begin.”

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.   It’s one of the more common problems clients come to me for help.

Is it low confidence? Poor self-esteem? OR just old fashioned lack of charisma?

ALL THE ABOVE, DOLL.

 

Want TWO quick tools, you can start using today, that nails all three???

Who wouldn’t, right?

Charisma is how people are drawn to engage with others. It is not about being the loudest cheekiest person in the room. Charisma is not an arena only for the extroverted!  Introverts as well, can attract others to them, like bees to honey, too! 

 

Confidence is our outward bravery. It’s what we show the rest of the world.  Being brave enough to take up that bit more space in a room and to be unafraid to shine brighter.  It’s temporary, but don’t let that word freak you out, temporary is what confidence does best, it just means it has an expiration date.

 

Self Esteem, is our inward bravery.  What we know to be the truth about ourselves, our value, as measured by us and no one else.  It must come from within.  Ya’ know when your friends tell you how great you look, but you don’t believe that to be true, your self-esteem buckles and you give them an eye roll or even feel a sense of shame flush your cheeks in response to the compliments?  Yeah. Self-esteem must come from within. And the expiration date of our confidence is directly linked to our sense of self-worth.

 

Discover and immerse yourself into your passions and things you love. 

1.     Charisma: When we are immersed in our passions, hobbies, etc. we are filled with excitement and conviction AND when we talk about what makes us happy, it innately will people will feel good in response.  Everyone loves to be around people who make them feel good. It’s contagious! 

2.     Confidence: We don’t want to cultivate faux confidence or fool hearty bravery, we want to be standing tall in our space.  The more often we are talking about and doing things we genuinely love, our confidence to engage with others in conversation about it, or even invite them along for the ride, soars! 

3.     Self Esteem: We build self-worth by doing worthy things in this life. That is not limited to epic Malala Yousafzai world changing level things; every time we take action to make our lives more bountiful, more fulfilling, and offer contribution we add to our own inner bravery and self worth.  Not only do we feel confident enough to chat about what we are in to with others, we KNOW we have all the proof, actions, and lifestyle to back it up!

Feel excited when you meet someone.

1.     Charisma: Walk into every date, energized with a high level of excitement. EX. Take a few moments and call on a time you were super excited about.  Your first plane ride?  The day your niece was born?  That moment the call came in that you got the big job?   Step into that moment and channel that excitement… then when you greet them, let that excitement show.  If you are happy when you meet someone, they will also feel happy.  Who doesn’t want to engage with someone who is genuinely overflowing with excitement to be there AND meet them. 

2.     Confidence: What better way to boost our confidence then to recall the factual evidence of other successes and exciting times in our lives?  Confidence isn’t only shown verbally.  Our body language is the difference between walking into a room like we own it AND wall flowering sheepishly through the front door. Conjuring up this confidence by using a prompt from moments we felt joy, transforms our body language.

3.     Self Esteem: GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE!  That’s me, banging my gratitude drum. People who actively curate an attitude of gratitude feed their self-worth feasts o’ plenty.  Every example I gave above of ‘moments’ to remember, are also moments of gratitude.  Every time we utilize gratitude, we build self-esteem.

Take these bad boys on a test drive!  I always love to hear how you get on with applying these two tips into your life and taking the big step to connection!  

How do you spot the right ones? Core Values and LOVE...

image by Freddy Marshcall via Unsplash

“Begin with the end in mind”.    - Stephen Covey  

That Stephen, he’s a smart cookie.

I can’t say it enough.  Knowing exactly what you are looking for and why, creates a huge shift and mega results in your search for love.  Whether that be, from how you filter out the ones who aren’t right for you,  to manifesting and attracting the ones that are.

I spend a whole lot of time ‘Defining Your Search’ with clients, multiple sessions sometimes, and its the very first thing we discuss in our work together.

Being absolutely clear about what you want AND need in a relationship and a partner, is hugely empowering. 

We want to go from shooting arrows in every direction, wishing and hoping we hit SOMETHING... to shooting arrows in one specific direction, hoping to not just hit something, but SOMEONE, real and right, for us!

It's best, to start with defining a long list of traits we WANT in a partner.

Try to quiet the 'yeah buts' and the 'better keep it realistic' scarcity gremlins in your head.  It's okay to dream a bit here. Let yourself go, doll... promise you want plummet to disaster over a writing exercise!

THEN, we need to have a separate list of exactly what we NEED in a partner and relationship, to be happy and fulfilled, long term.  These are the MUST HAVE'S, the items we know we NEED to be happy and healthy long tern, usually they are also the items that have been deal breakers in the past.

In order to really sort that… we must be concrete about what our values are so this whole ‘happily ever after’ thang, stands a real chance!  

Values are a tricky thing. 

When I ask people what are their core values, we all love to reply with a long list of stunning beauties like honesty, open-mindedness, kindness... to name a few.

Here’s a bomb.  Our core values, aren’t always wearing a flowing silk dress with flawless red lipstick.  Sometimes core values, aren’t very pretty at all.

There are a lot of studies that show that Core Values are developed as early as ages 2-12 years old.  In our ‘download’ formative years. And what we download from our environment, our families, our early social & educational interactions, isn’t always beautiful.  

Core Values are our default drivers. 

They are not who we would like to be, how we are able to be once we have layered in reason, therapy, coaching etc.. they are what is the very first whisper in our ear when a situation arises.  Our worthy instincts AND our feared up gut reaction, in equal parts on some days.

I have worked with clients who have an overwhelming Core Value for financial security, with a point of origin of their family always struggling and moving from town to town for jobs as a child.

This Core Value of Financial Security drives their decision making.

Sometimes for good. Sometimes not. 

Economic Security Examples;

We save every dollar/pound we ever make, rarely unless under extreme pressure, opting to treat themselves to an expensive item or even a holiday.

We book the cheaper version of said holiday, because that core value is saying “you can’t spend that much!!” and then wind up on a dismal trip, eying the other holiday makers with envy and kicking ourselves for not upgrading.

In our relationships; We may have a partner who loves to spend money faster than they can make it.  In some ways, they push us out of our comfort zone to upgrade that trip (yay!) but mostly, we find ourselves constantly fighting over money and in a constant state of high anxiety. Both parties feel limited and pressured by the other, and resentment becomes a way of life and love.  No beuno!

For the most part, our Core Values, good or bad, cannot be changed easily.  Usually it takes a seismic event, like birth, death or total heartbreak to shift them immediately. 

Someone who’s drive for security has had them working at the same job they hate for years suddenly quits and moves to Thailand to be a yoga instructor after being in a near death car accident.

While, someone who Core Value of freedom has previously driven them to never settle down or commit, takes on a full time job in order to become the best father and partner overnight when they’re child is born.

Core Values are our real-time default drivers, that guide almost every decision we make in our lives.

Getting to terms with what your Core Values are, the handful of ‘MUST HAVES’ is crucial if you want to find a partner who will either share them or compliment them, so you can be happy healthy and free within that relationship for years to come.

Divorce and end of long term partnerships are rarely about love lost.  Its often that these two people CAN’T  LIVE TOGETHER ONE MORE MOMENT WITH BLOOD BEING SPILLED or perhaps less gory, they can’t live another moment feeling so stifled and such anxiety every day.  Oh ‘irreconcilable differences’ you nasty little gremlins.  There is a reason that 80% of these splits are over money, parenting and lifestyle. 

And its called CORE VALUES. 

With the couples I work with, more often than not, there core values are out of alignment AND they don’t even know it!

Once you know what truly drives your desires, thoughts, decisions and needs; you can accommodate them.  You can also choose partners who share your values AND even choose partners who offer some values you need, to shake it up.  

Here are a few quick tips to get you started down the very long road of understanding who are what you really are….

1 – Engage Compassion. 

This is a journey of self-discovery, lean into the widening space of who you truly are, without judgement, perfection, expectation or punishment. No one is perfect. This is not a journey of change, it’s one of understanding, self awareness  and compassion.

2 - Use technology to discover your Core Values

Believe it or not, psychometric tests like Meyer Briggs and DISC are amazing ways to access core values.  I always hated taking them, when applying for jobs, and the pressure of that particular environment often tweaks the results.  I mean come one, have any of us really, REALLY answered all those questions honestly when our next career move was on the line?   I utilize the DISC method with my own clients.

3 - Examine your historical data

Taking a hard look at what have been deal breakers in your past relationships, is also most useful. 

4- Seek professional expert help.  

Engaging with a coach or therapist who specializes in Core Value work, is the easiest, most epic way to get right down to the root of it, fast!

We’ve all heard it from people in long term relationships… the looks fade, the sex mellows; what keeps that little old couple holding hands?  Friendship, compatibility, and living in congruence with their core values.

How do I trust again? Moving beyond betrayal and heartbreak.

Last week, I had an exquisite ‘Breakthrough to Love’ call with an amazing woman, where we spent about 45 minutes chatting about her search for love.  What was working, and what wasn’t; and what started out as a long list of ‘I don’t know’ responses, quickly uncovered a very long trail of cheating and abandonment, by past loves. 

When I thumb through the many pages I have of emails, call notes and questionnaires from women all over the world, this topic of betrayal and heartbreak, is a common red thread weaving itself throughout so many of their stories. 

Most of us have at least one story of betrayal, abandonment and heartbreak in our lives.  Some of us, have more of these stories than seems bearable.  

Betrayal comes in many forms, lying, cheating, broken promises; but at the very root, is dishonesty and loss of security.  The effects of dishonesty (of any kind) in our relationships is detrimental, even the smallest of lies.  The ripples of betrayals, like going outside the relationship sexually and emotionally, are devastating and find long term footholds in our hearts.

Those ripples, or tsunami like waves, ravage our self-esteem, our confidence, our ability to trust again, and become cement blocks in our path to moving on, even years after the relationship has ended.

I need to come out from the gates, directly as possible, with 3 hard truths. 

(Which, my inherent Americaness allows for quite readily. Lucky me! )

Trusting again means, being open to the possibility of being hurt, like that, again. 

 

Being open to the possibilities, both good and bad, is imperative for us to find and attract love. 

 

There is only one road to recovering our ability to love and be loved, and that is right through the very thick of it.

Today, I’m going to address the first hurdle that MUST be traversed, if you are ever going to be truly able to love and be loved again. 

"I can’t and won’t survive that again! "

Strong statement, right? 

And it’s one your brain is well skilled at throwing up, at a moment’s notice.  When that betrayal happened… when your heart broke into a million shards, the very rational side of your brain, who serves to educate & protect, said… “Right, we’re not doing that again anytime soon!”  Rational brain had a very calm collected list of reasons that, if it could be avoided, it should.  Rational brain ran the numbers on optimum healing times, took a hard look at the statistics, the theory of relativity, and promptly placed your heart in a safe place to mend.

The emotional side of your brain, stepped out further and said, “Right, we are NEVER, EVER doing that again!” +  a tirade of “ I almost died!”.   “The pain was so unbearable, it was like someone carved out my still beating heart!”, “It was THE WORSE thing that ever happened to us!” and,  “LOCK THE HEART UP SOMEWHERE SAFE AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!”   Emotional brain, panicked… AND has quite the theatric flair for the dramatic.

When these two sides of the brain get together, fiction and fact can get a bit blurry.

You start to use the statistics, and numbers rational brain has on hand to fund emotional brain’s war chest.  First things first, build a fortress where the heart shall remain protected from all wrongdoers. (And subsequently right doers, but we’ll come back to that) 

Your brain dug some trenches, set traps 100 meters out, placed sharp shooters on the roof… so anyone that comes close… gets sent packing!

But, the heart?  She needs love. 

She is a wanton, dancing, goddess who twirls in her cell of protection, rattling the cage, desperate to get out into the sun again, TO LOVE!  The heart also has the most incredible ability to mend, to become whole again.  She knows she’s scarred but considers those healed raised pink ridges to be adornments.

And so the push pull, the come closer siren screams of the heart and the defensive maneuvers of the brain, begin to twist us, and those who want to care for us, into knots. The signals we send out are so garbled, no one (even yourself) can understand what you want and need.

Researchers tell us that the number one behavioral response abused children have, to new people and environments is ‘you can come close, but not too close’.  You can almost see their proverbial arm being held out, keeping others at a distance.  All their detachment, anger, their acting up and out is tied to the protective response, to not get hurt again. Children thrive in consistency, security, human touch and care yet their lack of emotional maturity does not allow for considered multi-tasking of feelings.

Our behavioral response to cheating & abandonment, is the same.  Because, it is abuse.  Mental and emotional abuse. It is a similar loss of security, consistency, human touch and care.   Protecting ourselves, makes absolute sense.  Until we think about that abused child above.

How that fortress of protection, becomes a prison they can’t get out of to love and be loved.  When we see them start to sabotage their own relationships, and self-destruct in the space between the fight for human connection and keeping themselves safe; we want to hug them tightly, assure them it’s okay, encourage them to let down their guard and allow healing love in.   

Healing and love, requires us to drop our fortress walls. Because true love is about being 100% safe with someone. Other people’s actions and words play a huge part in creating a safe environment, but both parties must fully participate to create 100% safety and security.

I use the example of the child above for good reason.  Many of you may have experience with children who have been abused. I am sure all of you felt empathy for the anonymous child I described. Most of you even saw clearly the counterproductive effect on healing and happiness, that child’s defense mechanisms were having. 

It’s always much easier to see clearly when we look at others lives, and so much harder to see and do so for ourselves.  We are ALSO always so quick to offer empathy, encouragement, kindness and motivation to that child. To reason with that child, that the road forward is filled with safety and love, that the alternative of keeping everyone at an arm’s length, is damaging their ability to live a happy, full life.

It’s time to make that same, sacred, compassionate, reasonably minded, offering to yourself, my dear. 

To embrace yourself with assurances that it will be okay and that the guard can now be let down.  It’s time, to free your heart from its fortress come prison!  It will take time and consistent daily effort to make yourself foster that sense of bravery and trust. 

The scared traumatized child, in you, is worthy of that work.

Stay tuned; Next week, I will be walking you through the second step to overcoming betrayal and heartbreak.

Giving photo credit, were credit’s due: in order of appearance…

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