Gaining resilience to rejection in the modern world of ghosting and online dating trolls
Breaking glass ceilings WITHIN...
Happy FEMfriday!
I wanted to take a moment to tell you about a recent experience of mine.
I ventured out last weekend to a Women’s retreat in the wilds of Devon UK. Fifty five women, from all over, uniting to dig deep and heal.
Fifty five women, under the same roof, bunked in shared rooms, at varying stages in their life and healing.
Fifty five, crazy ass women, looking to love and be loved.
The focus of the retreat was one of excavation; looking back at the events of our lives, the highs the lows, the successes the failures and the harm done to us, as children right through to mature women. A full frontal facing of trauma, lifelong fears, negative head chatter and limiting beliefs that often scream at us, ‘I AM NOT ENOUGH’.
Kicking off Friday night, was writing out a chronological life story of sorts. The timeline we created, for many of us, made clear note of abuse, sexual assault, abandonment, self-harm, fractured relationships, self-loathing. Yeah… the ‘low’s’, were down a deep hole for sure.
The timeline, for many of us, also made clear note of achievement, successes, love, self-care, change and triumph. Never, ever forget the highs!
The facilitator challenged us, ‘These things, are what happened TO US, however they are not WHO WE ARE.
I witnessed bravery. Women naming, some for the very first time, the wounds on their souls and bodies, the shame they internalized and how it was still effecting their relationships with family, partners, and friends to this day.
I witnessed vulnerability. The beauty and power of revealing ourselves without fanfare or masks, for all to see.
I witnessed the realization that so many of us, utilized our successes as the sole source of our identity, as well. That our need for approval, comfort, control and power, often in response to the harm we had survived, had led us to build up a reliance on our performance as the only way we could measure our self-worth. Constantly in the circus ring of our minds and life, trying to BE ENOUGH. And desperately lion taming everything and everyone around us.
I witnessed terror. So many of these woman came into the main room Friday evening, eyes wide, thinking ‘What have I gotten myself into’?!?! And it wasn’t the work that was freaking them out… it was the thought of being with other women. The mind sniping away, ‘women can’t be trusted’, ‘don’t let them see you weak’ and ‘this is the competition’.
I witnessed the effects of how we are socialized from such a young age, to view one another as competition. That our emotions, our innate ability to love, to feel passionately, is considered a liability. At the workplace, in love, in friendship, even as small children… these labels like ‘high maintenance’, ‘bitch’, ‘ she’s too much’, ‘she’s hard work’, ‘needy’ and ‘emotional/hysterical’ are not welcome. How we internalize that messaging, view our very DNA as weakness, then promptly shun these labels. And each other.
I was grateful, that the idea of being surrounded by women, no longer fills me with anxiety. I know we are stronger together. I know that we can have bonds, beyond brunch and getting our nails done (though I like those things too!). That when I build a coven of strong women, I tap into a source of power, confidence, self-worth, and love, like no other human connection. That in the end, the people I can actually truly be myself in front of, and be me with absolute identification and empathy, IS WOMEN!
I broke through quite a few glass ceilings of my own.
I cried, in front of my small work group of 7 women, most of which were strangers, openly. The tears fell free from my eyes, without shame, without my own habitual reaction of forcibly pushing them back deep down where no one can see… or hell even a care for mascara. FFS, I needed that!
Sunday afternoon, I stood in front of 55 women, in what very much felt like a school lunchroom of possible mean girls, grabbed the hand of my 13-year-old self, and stated “I am that strong, feminist, SHE-RA and empowered woman you all see, BUT I am also struggling to make new friendships since moving here to the UK, in need of connection, and very VERY capable of falling short and self-doubt, like anyone else!”
I asked for help. AND, I got it. I have a pocketful of phone numbers AND even have some coffee dates in the diary with some of these women.
I think one of my biggest life lessons, one I have to constantly re-learn, is... IT’S OKAY TO NEED AND ASK FOR HELP. That I am worthy of help. That I do not have to have all the answers, and I do not have to sort it all out on my own. That absolute self-sufficiency is not the definition of being a independent kick ass woman. That as a human being, and as a woman, I am designed to desire and need human connection.
That being brave enough to ask for help is actually way more aligned with that Wonder Woman persona then trying to leap buildings, on my own, in a single bound. Get your coven of super hero women in check, cause lady… we ALL benefit when we unite!
What's that got to do with LOVE you ask? E V E R Y T H I N G! If I want love to flow, both in and out of me freely... I need to open the door AND clear a path. For me, I couldn't clear it all on my own, I needed help, BIG TIME.
Speaking of Wonder Women uniting... I’ve been doing a 7 day Confidence Challenge in the new FB Group ‘Feminista Seeks Love’, today is day 5 but it’s not too late for YOU to become a member and grab on to the benefits! Think you can’t up your confidence in 7 days???? Well, there is one sure way to find out, doll. Take the Challenge with us!
Support your local girl gang; https://www.facebook.com/groups/939926752808019/
Boundaries used to terrify the shit out of me. OR, what I learned from watching Dirty Dancing…
DWF / Dating While Feirce...
“I’m too independent, I scare guys off”
Photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/airfreshing/9537531439/">airFreshing</a> via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/photos/women/">Visualhunt</a> / <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/">CC BY-ND</a>
I read and hear that statement, again and again, from clients, readers and friends.
Our independence, an asset that has gained us much success, happiness and worthiness is every area of our lives, is now somehow working against us, in the arena of love.
The concept that we can be too strong, too independent, too fierce. That somehow these values we hold so dear, make us less attractive. That WE can be too much of a good thing.
And sometimes it’s true. Some people are ‘scared off’ or simply not attracted to us because we are fully self-supporting in many areas of our emotional, mental and financial well-being.
Who are these people?
And why they heck would WE want them??
Some of this fear, is tied into scarcity. The fear that there are not enough potential partners for us. The fear that we are missing out. The fear that by being too this or too that, we are limiting the chances of love from finding us or us finding it.
Once scarcity takes root in our mind. The brains natural response is to make ourselves scarce too, smaller, LESS of ourselves. We begin to try to moderate ourselves, change who we are or worse, pretend we are something else, to attract what we think we might be missing out on. Or we embrace defeat before even leaving the house. We allow scarcity mindset to place us on the backfoot. Our mind fills with “Why bother”, “It’s never going to happen”. “All men are scared of my independence”, “Dating is a waste of my time”. Does that sound like the type of environment that holds fertile soil in which something as beautiful as love can come, take root and grow?
“Your playing small does not serve the world” - Marianne Williamson
This love thing, is some tender shizzle. I meet women all the time that are so confident, so full of self-worth in work, social networks, activities, travel, home life but once we talk about love, dating and relationships.. YIKES! It’s scary. Feels so out of our control. A tender plum bruise. And for some of us, it’s not an arena we have a lot of historical success in, to draw on for confidence and self-worth.
And when we are in a state of lowered confidence and self-worth, compromising who we are and what we deserve, becomes an easy step too far to take.
We find ourselves lamenting that this group of people, the ones who do not want someone who is independent, is somehow our loss?
What if it’s our gain? What if, by just being exactly who we are, a woman who knows what she wants, when she wants it. And isn’t looking for someone based on getting traditional gender role needs met, but getting desires met ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, was actually weeding these sucka’s out?! Saving us time, energy and heartache by sparing us upfront from having to spend any real time with them
Photo via VisualHunt.com
The reality is, it’s okay to want to feel needed by a partner. Good thing too, because, we do have some needs we would like the right person to meet. Someone to shower us with affection, kindness, respect. Someone to support us and fight with us to conquer our dreams and goals. Someone to reach the tin of sweets we put on the highest shelf in the kitchen 6 months ago during a sugar strike!!
If you meet someone and scare them off…BOO! Be gone sucka! You won’t be too YOU for the right person. They will love you FOR THAT, not in spite of that. And real love, real partnership will require you to return that same love without condition.
You’re not missing out. Those people are being super helpful but removing themselves, DE-cluttering your path, so the right person… the one who loves you for your independence, can become visible, FAST.
Me and the hubba hubba…doing the pics for our ‘Save The Date’ Wedding invites.
OH! OH! OH! Some exciting news! I've just launched a CLOSED Facebook group Called Feminista Seeks Love! It is a safe, women only, supportive space for us to connect, share some funnies, some horror stories, successes, and tips for navigating the jungle that is dating today! Come join us
Everyday easy tweaks to go from disconnecting TO connecting to those around us. (That we ALL could do better and more often!)
Politics be damned, MORE LOVE PLEASE!
No. We're not going to talk about the American elections. Cause, I. Just. Can’t. In fact, I am almost exclusively communicating my feelings about that topic on social media and via text message, not with words... but through the interpretive modern art form that is GIFs.
Regardless of who you supported and what the outcome means to any one of you, one thing that is real for each of us, is it’s been a brutal 6 months. Anger, fear, resentment, distrust, uncertainty and outrage has visited each of us. Whether that be due to Brexit in the UK, to the elections in the US, to vast swathes of the middle east that are rife with unrest and brutality. The battle lines drawn and the battles fought have been bloody, abusive, soul eating and downright nasty. I don’t know what the future holds, how this whole thing is going to shake itself out, but I do know ONE THING for sure… WE NEED MORE LOVE. More compassion, understanding, empathy, trust and security. More open hearts, more broken hearts, more healed hearts and a whole lotta heart to move forward.
This morning when I woke up, my husband swiftly delivered the news of the election results. We were both greatly disappointed and sad. As my husband dressed to leave for work, he came over for his customary hug and kiss, and lingered a bit longer than usual. A few minutes later, now completely donned in his motorcycle gear to leave for work, he came back. “I need another hug and kiss today.” I know this man well. And if his need for emotional support is a barometer for how bad things are, then this subtle request signified a solid 9 (uh oh, hell in a handbag) on the sliding scale. We have spoken twice today on the phone already. Calls filled with I love you’s, it’s going to be alright and WE are going to be alright.
Now, check it. I am not someone who believes everyone in the world is in need of partnership. I offer no pitying looks to singles with ‘awwwww, you just haven’t met the right person’ on my lips, because I know, that’s bullshit. And, I never appreciated it when I was single for many years, either. We women are lionesses, capable of nurturing as well as hunting for everything we need in this life.
HOWEVER, I am so grateful to have someone standing with me, shoulder to shoulder, fighting the good fight. That when it looks like the world is failing to provide me with trust, security, love, compassion and kindness that I know, with my whole heart, someone who can and does provide this necessary sustenance. That, no matter what, he has my back… and I, his. I am in no doubt that I could wonder woman this life alone; I already have the historical and personal evidence to prove it. Yet, I am still hugely thankful, that today I don’t have to. There is an undeniable strength in numbers, a strength I took comfort in this morning with that second round of hugs and kisses between my partner and me.
So today, I will not go quietly (or tearfully) into that night. I will call on my secret super powers of love, vulnerability and the kindness of friends and strangers alike to combat what feels like, to me, an unsafe and scary world. I have already doled out a handful of good mornings and hello’s to strangers passing on the street. I will call friends and loved ones and inquire how they are doing today, talk about all the good that is happening in our lives, and offer my shoulder to mop up tears where needed. I will recite my guided meditations and breathe extra deeply till I am light headed, if that’s what it takes!
I will carry on in my quest to ask for more love, give more love and help others who are seeking to find love or fighting to keep love. Cause’ WE NEED MORE AND DESERVE MORE LOVE, to move forward from here! Unconditional, light up the world kinda’ love… to and from those on all sides!
definitely a 'need lots of cute cat videos' day...
XO
Sending you ALL the love,
-Jessica Elizabeth
If there are so many great, single, people out there looking for love... why have you not met one?
We hear the concept of Abundance more and more frequently today. The idea that we not only have enough, but more than enough. That the world has more than enough, love, clients, money, jobs, time, etc.. We are encouraged to take on the Abundant mindset as a tool to be more positive and by doing so we will consciously and unconsciously welcome all that ‘more than enough’ into your lives. What we do not hear about as much, is the concept of Scarcity. And educating ourselves on what that looks like and sounds like, is key to coming to believe why living in a more Abundant mindset can revolutionize the way we live, love and feel, every day. Let’s take a peek, shall we?
What is Scarcity?
The simplest definition; There is not enough. Often we wake up and from the very start of our day, we are thinking…There is not enough time, there is not enough money, there is not enough coffee in the world that can get me through this Monday! We continue on through our day, there are not enough trains, there are not enough people at my job to get the workload done, there is only one of me and so much work to do, there are not enough hours in the day. On a more personal, and damaging way, we can be thinking I am not pretty enough, skinny enough, funny enough, smart enough, I don’t have as much training as I need, I don’t have the right clothes, enough shoes, the right haircut. I AM NOT ENOUGH.
Scarcity breeds quick too, heck I am starting to hyperventilate just writing this blog! YIKES!
Scarcity in Dating and Finding Love:
Let’s hit the biggest nail on the head, straight off. The Hollywood concept of ‘THE ONE’. Ooof, Scarcity XXL! We have been sold the idea that there is just one, magical, elusive soulmate in the world. Just a mere 1 person in 7.4 billion people in the world, that is for us. No wonder women keep saying to me, “its like looking for a needle in a haystack!!” And how easy from that staggering 1 in 7.4 billion cliff, to rock slide into fear, doubt and hopelessness. “How will I ever find them?” What if I have already missed them? What if I never find them? Put those scarcity glasses on in the dating world...desperation and panic can lead us to settling for someone who is not right for us at all. A step too far so easy to take when in the scarcity zone.
Scarcity in dating also looks and sounds like, All the good ones are taken, I don’t have enough time to meet anyone, I’m not open enough, I am not pretty enough, the dating pool where I live is too small, there are not enough single men or women here, and for some of us, scarcity takes some even lower blows… I am not good enough which is why I haven’t found THE ONE.
Applying Abundance to Dating and finding love:
How do we apply abundance to dating and love? First, we come to believe there is way more than just ONE right person for us out there in the world. We reject the Disney concept of true loves kiss being THE ONLY ONE to wake us from slumber and we welcome the idea that, whilst we are looking for true love, it does not just belong to some solitary elusive soulmate. Ask yourself “What if there were hundreds of possible perfect partners for you out there on the streets of your city or town right now, today?” How does that feel?
I was recently speaking with a client who lives in a more rural setting, she was regaling me with scarcity, of how few people are single where she lives. As we were talking, I took out my Google wand and waived it. Turns out there were something like 65,000 single men and women within a 10-mile radius of her… When I told her that simple, easy to find fact, the scarcity bubble burst big time. OH. OHHHHH. She had come to believe wholeheartedly, there were not enough. Now we could start talking about how to get out there and meet a healthy handful of those 65,000 and the whole idea went from hopeless task to hopeful opportunity.
Another woman I worked with, had her torch lit for a past love. They had been young, at university and he was all she could have and should have wanted. In her own words, at the time, she was too busy being young and carefree to see it. Now, she said, he was married with kids and she had missed her chance at that life. When we worked through the concept that he was one of many, that she no longer had to live in regret and could finally use that torch of what was so great about him, to light her way into the future of finding other people who could and would offer her ‘that life’ she began to truly move forward on the path of finding love. Free of regret and filled with abundant hope. And, it worked! WOOT!
Abundant living is all about application. When start applying Abundance, we do just that… we take action, one step at a time, to go from not enough, to enough to MORE than enough line by line, area by area. We tap into gratitude, looking at all we have and have done and we aren’t afraid to lose it or even give it away, because we know there is more out there to replenish it and that we are worthy of doing so. Abundant living, ups our confidence, increases are positiveness and opens are minds and hearts, which is absolutely the perfect mindset to have out there in the dating jungle. And, yes, jungles can be scary places where things howl in the night however jungles are also the perfect ecosystem for abundance, with more life teeming under every leaf and stone than anywhere else in the world! Oh yeah, see what I did there?
An Abundant mindset, also affords us the necessary cushion for bounce back and resilience. If someone you meet doesn’t work out, that’s okay cause there are more chances, more than enough good ones out there and hitting the NEXXXT button is now, way easier. Abundant living is not just uplifting, it’s incredibly motivating. Now that we know, there is more than enough time, money, amazing partners, AND that we are more than enough … anything is possible. So why wouldn’t we want to go out there, and get it!?! What are you waiting for my darling?
Have a question or topic you would like covered in the Love Letters? Shoot me a message here in the comments!
Want to learn more about applying an Abundant mindset to your own love life? Book your FREE breakthrough call! http://www.jessicaelizabethcoaching.com/call/