Putting the cart before the horse, in LOVE.

What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
-Tina Turner

Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?!   Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!! 

We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!


I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”

From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?” 



Ever hear that old phrase...   You can’t put the cart before the horse?  

image; pixabay

Well  darling,  LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart.   CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!

However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.


So how do we connect with others?  how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?

image via Pixabay

• We connect with others through clear open communication.

• We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.

• We connect to others by listening to what they have to say. 

• We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves. 

• We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all. 

• We connect with others by asking for help.

• We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.

• We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.

There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.


The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.



A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes.  Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!

image via Pixabay

Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?!   WHAT IF THEY DO??????  No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!

Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners. 


We blame time. Life is so busy! 

We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?

We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us.  THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!

We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!   
 

Blame, is never very helpful. 


This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy!  This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!



So, how’s that horse of yours?  I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time. 

What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?

What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?

Is 'YOUR TRUTH' killing the communication in your relationship?

This trend setter is everywhere we look these days. 

Authenticity guru’s are abound with the honor, stand and speak your truth.  Like any good thing, it’s easy to blur the lines and go overboard. As we find ourselves well into the age of social media, where now EVERY human being with access to the internet has a far-reaching platform, we see every day how people can take the ‘Speak My Truth’ mantra and start really bashing everyone over the head.  And sometimes if by doing, we do offend others deeply, and instead of making note and apologizing when challenged, the whole SPEAKING OUR TRUTH motto can even be the battle cry we use, when we bat that accountability away from us.  

image; Pixabay

Honest, direct kind communication in a relationship is a beautiful and very necessary thing. 

HOWEVER, Honesty without compassion is brutality.

Keep it kind, kids!  AND be open to being called in by our partners when, perhaps, our truth, was cuttingly honest.

So how do we check ourselves BEFORE we open that mouth wide?

How do we discern what really NEEDS to be said? and when, and how, and to whom?? 

I have a great filter I offer to clients, that helps to mediate in their own heads, what really needs to be said and when. 

1. Does it need to be said?

2. Does it need to be said, BY ME?

3. Does it need to be said, RIGHT NOW?

4. How many times does it need saying?

If we can pause, long enough to drop our thought through this entire 4 step filter, one level at a time, we can be a lot more sure that what comes out the other side of said filter, is the truth, that needs speaking.

image: Pixabay

Let's walk through this communication saving filter, one step at a time, together!

FILTER 1; Does it need to be said?

Let’s stand in our own truth, all by ourselves, for a minute. Does what you are about to say REALLY NEED to be said?  First check, is this life or death?  No.  Okay.  Second check, is this statement helpful or hurtful?  What if I don’t say this? What happens then?

Many, many of your truths will race on beyond this first filter. Hurrah! 

However, a handful of truly repetitive unnecessary statements, that will have not positive effect nor outcome, will die a natural beautiful death here too. HURRAH!

FILTER 2; Does it need to be said, BY ME? 

Unsolicited advice anyone??  I know, you want to encourage and help your partner succeed at the office, or at that weight loss goal, or at training for that marathon… HOWEVER, do they have a boss?  A personal trainer? A marathon training group????  IF yes, um…. Maybe it’s NOT your place to be saying it???

Ooh. This is a good one.  Will it best heard, if said, BY YOU? 

Ever been incredibly frustrated when your partner seems to take advice from someone else and run with it? Leaving you there slack jawed and angry because YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING THE SAME THING TO THEM FOR OVER A YEAR!?!  

I bet, if you give it some thought, there are things that you don’t hear as clearly when your partner says them either.  Sometimes, even positive things.  Maybe they tell you, you look great in that outfit, and you roll your eyes. An hour later at the party, and your mother in law says it, and BOOM, you’re beaming?

Oh. Ohhhhhh. Right. Got it?

FILTER #3 Does it need to be said RIGHT NOW?

Some of us, live in a bit of a state of emergency.  Whatever comes to our mind, whatever our needs are, WE FEEL WE MUST TO EXPRESS THEM, IN THAT VERY MOMENT.  Here is the problem with that urgency, we often bring up topics, that are indeed important, they have passed with flying colours through filter one and two, and then we shoot the whole conversation in the foot,  by bringing it up at exactly the wrong time and wrong place, to have a good discussion around it. 

Even for those of you, who are not incessantly and urgently truthing a constant stream, choosing the right time and right place, the most conducive environment, still may very well be where you have been going wrong.

A couple I worked with last year, came to me complaining that there was no communication. The husband, truly frustrated, stated whenever “I do bring it up, it’s NEVER the right time!  We have to talk about this stuff!” 

Turns out, when we unpicked the limiting beliefs off that statement, he was almost always bringing it up as they were getting ready for bed, on a weeknight.  And his partner was absolutely exhausted, and couldn’t even see straight, let alone talk straight. 

Together, we found them just the right time AND place, for these very essential conversations to take place and flourish, for both of them!

FILTER # 4 How many times does it need saying?

Feeling like a broken record?  Finding yourself saying “I don’t mean to nag” or “Don’t MAKE ME INTO A NAG” ? 

I get it.  Maybe if you say it over and over and over and over, they will finally HEAR you!  That, it’s a numbers game, right? I mean, one of these days, what you are asking of them, will resonate and they will jump up, exclaiming AHA and do it, right??

Yeah. How’s that working for you? 

I am going to guess, mostly, its driving YOU nuts. And the only person who seems to be wearing down under the weight of these repeated words, is YOU. 

Repetition can also be an indicator of importance. So if we over use the communication tool that is repetition, we can make it impossible for our partners to discern and prioritise what’s being asked of them.

Like any communication tool, for it to be effective, it needs to be used wisely.

Image; UNSPLASH - Joshua Ness

Now you have this fab filter.  You are dropping your thoughts down through it, and starting to experience great success!  Now what?  

True partnerships cannot have communication, discourse and collaboration without listening too.  LISTENING is the other half of communication. If we want the filter to work, for the communication to be effective and filled with love…  We must make sure, we are not so caught up in standing in our truth and being heard, that we stop listening!  If we are spending all of our time, thinking and mapping out responses, how we will deliver ‘our truth’, and real talking ‘our truth’ at every opportunity, we kill communication, dead.

And, that my darlings, is the very last thing any thriving partnership needs!

If you would benifit from more access to a relationship expert like me, I invite you to come join our growing community over at THE EMPOWERED LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL where I show up every day with the real time tools, inspiration and techniques everyone needs to be the very best version of them, in their partnership!

uh oh, Its's time to talk about S E X! Part 1; For those in relationships...

This past week, I’ve been talking quite a bit about sex & sensuality with both my dating & relationship coaching clients. Whilst I don't define myself as a sex coach, you really can't facilitate transformation around love, dating, relationships & partnership,  and not talk about S E X!

For my dating clients, the issue swirls itself around the messaging we get as women about when, how and with who, we are ‘allowed’ to have all the sex.

For my relationship coaching clients, more often than not, its about… sex?!?! UM, WHAT’S THAT?!?!   Post baby(s), mid career ladder, daily responsibility and stress uptick and a healthy dollop of being years into a partnership… sex is no longer something on a weekly, or even monthly rotating schedule! YIKES!

So this week, I will be offering up TWO blogs on ONE BOLD TOPIC, that I do hope offers everyone a bit of insight, hope and clarity around, well, SEX! 

PART 1; SEX FOR THOSE IN RELATIONSHIPS:

image via Pixabay

I know you’re squirming a bit reading this.  It’s okay.  Talking about sex, makes most people a bit uncomfortable.  Yet, talk about it, we must!  I tell you what, sit back and let the brash American take the lead in the convo, and you can just sit back and read, for now.

Why do we need to talk about SEX?  Well, my dear, SEX is one of the SIX major components of any romantic partnership. Period.  It isn’t always the MOST important for a couple however,  if you are not having it, or unsatisfied in that area… addressing the elephant in the bedroom, can create an epic shift in your relationship.  In order to have a well-balanced, healthy and lasting partnership, sex needs to be a nourished part of the equation.

John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, who has been researching couples and relationships for over 30 years, states in his research and books, over and over,  couples who prioritize sex vs. leave sex as the very last thing on the to do list, not only have lasting happy partnerships, they are RELATIONSHIP MASTERS.

Let me break this down to its absolute essence. 

LOVE requires connection.  Without connection, LOVE FADES.  Connection between two people is built on many things, however TOUCH and yes, SEXUAL TOUCH is the most relevant and epic way to build and maintain connection.   Whilst touch is not the ONLY way, it’s not a one over the other, deal.  Thinking of connection as a series of touch stones.   SHARED INTERESTS, SHARED ACTIVITIES, SHARED PHYSICAL TOUCH, to name just a few, ALL must be included in our touch stones.  We can touch some stones more frequently than others; however we cannot neglect a stone for too long, without the connection faltering.  When people begin to sense loss of love, and question if they still love someone… what we really need to focus in on, is the connection.  Think of love, almost as a bi-product of connection.  Connection is the horse.  Love is the cart. And oh all the wondrous things we can pile into that cart of love!!!

image via Pixabay

One of the larger factors that stops physical touch and sex, beyond it dropping down the priority list, is a drop in our own feeling of sexiness and sensuality.  Please note, this is one of the root causes for singles AND couples AND for men AND women! 

I think we are often quick to assume that sexiness and sensuality are primarily feminine qualities.  They are not. Or at least not in the way we think of them.

It has been proven out that one of men’s most common fears, is, they will be laughed at… in bed.  Humiliation and ego are tied to this however mainly, the fear is about a loss of respect, ability and power, which we as a society, have primed men to equate with their own sexiness.  There are people who do not care whatsoever if the other person is getting pleasure from sex, however those people do not typically commit to relationships, or remain in them for very long… so chances are your ability, as a man, to perform and satisfy your partner sexually, has a direct result on your own view of your sensuality.

Similarly, for many women, their sexiness and sensuality is tied directly to how they perceive themselves physically.  How themselves and their partner views them and their body, during sex.  No offenses fellas, but our own determination of how sexy we look actually contributes to how sexy we feel way more directly than yours.  It’s why, no matter how many times you tell us, how sexy we look, it doesn’t usually effect how we feel about it ourselves

image via Pixabay

Interestingly, if we follow this trail back to its source, for both men and women, we find self-esteem staring us in the face.  Our self-esteem is how we value ourselves. How we truly evaluate ourselves is primary to how others values us.   Begin at the beginning, dearest one.

Ask yourself...

• What are the things that YOU DO that help you feel more worthy of enjoying sex? 

• What are the things YOU DO that make YOU feel more sexy? Even when no one is around to see or appreciate it?

• WHAT can you start DOING more of, to feel more confident, sensual… starting TODAY? 

Fancy underpants?

Going to the gym?

Yoga?

Red lippie?

Booking in that weekend away, ALONE? To just do all the things YOU want to do?

Running?

A new suit?

A big win at work?

Creating something with your own two hands?

A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.   Ready to take your first baby step towards reclaiming your sensuality?

image via pixabay

If you want more access to my expert knowledge on curating and maintaining empowered relationships, please do join us in the free facebook group, THE EMPOWERED LOVE & RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL!   I post actionable tips and thought provoking commentary in the group daily, and go LIVE weekly talking about topics that can help you, have the relationship you both deserve.

FINANCES; A couples story of nemisis...

Yup. It’s time to talk money. How very gauche, I know! 

And yet, it needs saying and doing, my dear.  Recently, divorce lawyers weighed in on a country wide survey about the most common causes for divorce and separation.

Right in the top 3?  FINANCES.

Spending the money. Managing the money. Agreeing on the money.  It can be any couple’s nemesis.

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It’s not uncommon for couples to have very different core values around money.  Sometimes this is directly influenced by their own upbringing, however, people can have very similar childhood experiences with money i.e. being raised with hardly none or more than enough, and come into adulthood with widely varying mindsets around money, even if the environment was the same growing up.

And yes, it would be best to partner with someone who shares the same core values and mindset around money… however many of us either didn’t know how important this would prove down the road or simply had no idea why it was important at all, before we got into our relationships.  And now. The disagreements around money are sucking the life out of us.

Ironically, having more money does not solve this disparity mindset and arguments around money.  Studies have shown that couples with less money, fare better overall in challenging area, than those with a all the money. 

I guess the Notorious B.I.G. was right… mo’ money mo’ problems.  Indeed.

We can shift our mindset around money quite a bit, but our core values are typically only truly transformed by a life changing event, like birth and death, for example.   Perhaps we have always saved every dollar/pound we’ve made, and then we experience the unexpected and swift decline of a friend due to cancer… we suddenly realize, life is too short and start to truly treat ourselves to holidays, spa trips and the like.  We may have an elderly parent, facing severe economic struggles as their own health declines, and realize that if we do not temper our own values around money and start saving, that too could be us some day.

But, what do you do, if your partner is on the other side of the money mindset as you?    

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More in more, in our modern day, couples are separating their finances completely from one another.  This can be a solution, however, more often the lack of transparency sows the seeds of distrust, that undermine real partnership. Add in the need to negotiate separate payments month on month, of shared expenses and holidays, and it only creates more opportunities to disagree.  If one partner is financially more capable than the other, due to an earning difference, the 50/50 split of all things in such a separate manner is rife with limitations, discontent and resentment.

• Unpicking the core values behind your own and your partners beliefs around money can be incredibly enlightening, and open the door to empathy and respect. 

• Learning how to communicate your needs and hear the needs of your partner, around finances, is also crucial. 

• Compromise means we find a halfway point, a beautifully curated meeting place, where both partners get their needs met.  And the money gets spent or saved, in a way that makes sense to both parties.

It's time, to talk about Ben and Jenny...

Recently, I had two lovely private coaching clients, a couple named Ben and Jenny, who really struggled around money. And by struggle, I mean fought bitterly over how to spend it. The more they made, the more incensed the arguments became.  In our work together, we took some time to step outside the familiar old box of arguments, and have a good walk around. 

Both Ben and Jenny had grown up in households where money was quite scarce. And yet, they had completely opposite core values in response to that early experience of finances.

For Ben, money was meant to be spent. 

All his hard work, was so he didn’t have to deny himself, or his family, like he was denied as a child. Holidays, gifts, dinners out... were all rewards earned and money well spent. 

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For Jenny, money was meant to be saved for a VERY rainy day,.

Money tucked away for when the chips were down in life, to spent in the far off future on absolute necessities.

As we began to dig in...

Jenny realized, if it wasn’t for Ben, AND HIS CORE VALUES AROUND MONEY, she would never EVER had seen all the places around the world they had visited.  She would not have allowed herself these holidays. These absolute highlights in life, she enjoyed so very much!  

Ben realized, that if it wasn’t for Jenny AND HER CORE VALUES AROUND MONEY, they wouldn’t have a growing nest egg for their children’s university education.  It was Jenny's core values that were allowing them to provide for their family in an incredibly high impact way.

Once we established some concrete appreciation... empathy, understanding and love could come back into the space, where finances lived, in their relationship.  Once we have those three superpowers back in the ring of a relationship, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! 

It was a powerful pivot point.  One they hadn’t thought possible, before our work together.

Are you tired of bickering about money?  Done with years of trying to convince your partner that your way, is THE WAY,  forward, with little success?  Let’s start the process of sorting it, once and for all. 

I have something that could prove very VERY valuable to you.  A space where you can learn and love.  Recently, I started a closed Facebook group, in order to provide you with more access to the incredible knowledge and tools I have to offer,  to creating the relationship you both deserve.  Your exclusive invitation is right here! 

Come join us in this FREE group @

The Empowered Love & Relationship School!

Boundaries: Why setting them in your search for love AND in your relationship is key!

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Boundaries; Defining them, setting them, respecting them. NONE of it was my forte! 

It felt incredibly limiting. At the time, I’m not sure who I was afraid to limit, you or me. I can now say, that at the very root of that fear, was that if I told you NO… you might not like me.  That IF I wasn’t everything to everybody, I wasn’t enough… good enough, worthy enough, loveable enough.

From the outset, boundaries doesn’t necessarily sound like a good thing. 

1.     No one wants to be told NO or be told what to do. And was I really worthy of that respect?  And was I willing to pay the price of self-ownership, if that price was you not loving me? 

2.     And what about ME being FREE spirit, a law unto my very own?!?!  Wouldn’t boundaries, force me to stay penned up in one place!

I had no evidence to back up any of these suspicions, these fears, however every inch of my mind, body and heart was feeling, that my fearful feelings were truth.  When I start to blur feelings with facts, I’m usually half way down the wrong road of decision making.  I know this today, as one of my personal ‘red light indicators’, like the hazard lights on a car blinking frantically into the night, that something has broken down in my thinking.

I also, wasn’t sure why I would want to keep people away.

In dating, I was having a hard enough time meeting ANYONE… the concept of narrowing what already felt like a bottle neck, was terrifying.   Wouldn’t I be ‘putting Baby in the corner’??   

In my relationships, the idea of laying in boundaries, felt like fencing off connection… and I desperately wanted and needed human connection. 

What I was missing???

Boundaries are not about other people, boundaries are about me.  

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BOUNDARIES AREN’T FORTIFIED DEFENSIVE WALLS WE PUT UP TO KEEP PEOPLE OUT… BOUNDARIES ARE THE WAY WE RING FENCE OUR OWN SPACE SO WE HAVE THE ROOM TO BREATHE, GROW AND BE HAPPY! 

The metaphor I use with clients, is that of owning a horse.

How many acres does your paddock have to be to have a horse? And two horses?  Three or four horses?  If we place two horses in a paddock sized for one… what will happen?   The horses will not have enough room to exercise, enough food to sustain them, sickness will be more likely to spread from horse to horse, in such closed quarters. You will wind up with two very unhealthy, unfulfilled and unhappy horses. 

Instead of thinking of boundaries as the fences that keep people way, grab on to this concept that boundaries are about creating the space YOU and YOUR partner needs to be healthy, fulfilled and happy! 

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IN DATING…

When we do not create firm boundaries, and willingly kick down the paddock fences to let every Tom, Dick and Jane come on through… we compromise the respect people will have for us.  If you want a relationship, and the person you just started seeing, says they do not, they prefer casual… IF you don’t hold your boundary, (ahem, in hopes that somewhere down the line, they will hopefully, possibly maybe want more) guess what? They are way more likely to NEVER want more than casual with you!  Human phycology has shown us, that when we break from the structure of our offer… in love, sales, business, family… we cheapen the product by default.  We subtract value from ourselves in the other person’s eyes. In order to commit and LOVE someone, truly, people have to know it’s worthy.

If someone we just started to date, wants to start calling us girlfriend or boyfriend after just a few dates, it can be very tempting to hop right on that!  However, going back to the paddock, its key that you both define the term. To create a paddock that is the right size for you both to grow into a healthy relationship.

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IN RELATIONSHIPS…

Oof, where to begin?  People inherently treat us, as we instruct them to.  If our instructions, our boundaries are unclear or unstable, our partners have no idea how to ‘get it right’.

If we are running around, trying to be THE BEST, wife, husband, mother, daughter, son, employee, football coach, pinterest worthy cake baker, INSTA famous interior designer, friend, lover, holiday planner, yogi, all while maintaining our place on the ‘best dressed’ list at the school runs… YIKES!

Boundaries can also look like us truly reconciling our assets and limitations, and leaning into being PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.   Boundaries mean we create a paddock where WE can thrive, as well as all of our relationships too!

So, boundaries as defensive walls? NO.

Boundaries as the ring fenced space for you to thrive, with all you need to be happy healthy and free?  HECK YES!

What's does your paddock look like?    xx

The LAW OF ATTRACTION... WTAF is it? And why is it NOT working for you?

The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire.  Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!

 
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction?  And how does it really work?

image: unsplash.com

Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
 

If someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience.  If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience.  In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situation, experiences and even, material objet into their life.

 
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)


 
A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story! 

Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION.  Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously.  In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting!  Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
 
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice!  What if that was ten offers? Twenty? 

Head. Officially. Done. In.


 
Of course, changing or mindset, being more positive has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality.  Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things!

 
But the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’  
 
It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.    

Affirmations will not do the trick alone!

Darling %FIRSTNAME%,  please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what either make the Law of Attraction actually work or not work!

 

For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY. 

We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it.  The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.

 

If I walk down the street, yelling JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!

I may actually attract some job offers.  Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop?  NO?  Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!  

 
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA. 

If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond…  with a puppy!  Which, I mean PUPPY (!!!OMG!!!) HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different.  We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look you’re going for!

BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR.  TAKE GREAT CARE…

Take great care and time, and energy, heck even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.    
 
 
 
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?

Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...

One of the largest proponents for LOA, is THE SECRET. 
 
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret.  Lemme tell ya why! 

The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present. 
 
Back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
 
Hold up.  Have you even bought a lottery ticket?  Oh, no?  Um….


 
Now, how about “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
 
Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now? 
 
What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?)  who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important.  They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing.   ACTION!


 

Here’s is the deal.  For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING!  You must take actions, risk, time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even MONEY, to attract the things you want.

Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl.  Hard, worthy work! 
 
I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS!  WOMP WOMP.

However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!

In closing;
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
 
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
 
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.
 
If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!


 
 

I went LIVE about this very topic just the other day in the FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE facebook group.  All day, every day, I am in that group handing out inspiration, tips, techniques and so much love...

YOU should totally JOIN OUR GIRL GANG!

FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE - A Facebook Group, of community & solidarity, for fierce like-minded women out in the jungle looking for love!