Most couples call me at the bitter ends, when separation seems like the only solution to the boiling point of their acrimonious partnerships. It’s almost as if they feel they have to check the ‘we sought professional help’ box before they can throw in the towel. This week, I wanted to share with you a clients story, of coming into relationship coaching thinking and feeling like divorce was the only way forward, however what happened next surprised us all.
I have changed the names in this story, of course, but have full permission from this couple to share their story with you. Read this weeks Love Letter and this couples story below.
All we do is argue!
I am not in love with them anymore!
They make me so angry, I can’t see straight!
I feel suffocated, and don’t even recognise myself anymore because of them!
I don’t even know who this person is anymore!
These are just some of the battle cries I hear on my initial Breakthrough calls with couples and individuals in relationships. A battle cry yelled out into the night, with divorce or separation seemingly the best course of surrender. As it was with Anika and Peter, when we first spoke 6 months ago. The relationship had been breaking down, bit by bit, for years. Two people who had been so in love, so taken with one another and so certain they had found their soul mate…now determined to end their union. So what could possibly have changed in one 45 minute call, that would see them commit and invest in 6 month of coaching program with me?
I asked them a lot of questions that evening on our call, but one that seemed to be the pivot point, is the one I wanted to share with you today. Perhaps this question, could be the one you and your own partner, need to ask yourselves?
After a 10 minute solid venting session from them about all the things that were wrong in their marriage, with eachother, I asked them to what was right? It’s easy to focus on what we are fighting about, and often harder to see what is worth fighting for?
The usual starter answers came quick… the kids, the house, just the sheer mountain of fuckery required in disentangling a life lived together both emotionally and financially. However none of those items are worth staying for. NONE!
What about the kids you ask?? Surely THAT is the best reason to stay together?!?! Children need as much security as possible for healthy development, and having strong positive relationships role models with have a direct and emphatic effect on how they engage with love as adults. Two parents who are unhappy, fighting and disconnected (even if you THINK you are keeping it well hidden from them, you’re not) is a sure fire way to impede your children of security needed to form healthy attachments in the future.
Once we got past the obvious but irrelevant reasons to fight for their partnership, we were able to dig deep and discover that there was still love there, still admiration, and even respect. Still a desire to be happy individually and to see their partner happy, as well.
So dearest, if you have found yourself wondering too often, if you should stay or go, if your love can be resuscitated, and your partnership restored… I urge you to ask yourself, What IS worth still fighting for in your relationship?
If you need a third party to mediate that question, and ask a load of even more revealing questions and give you two some actions to move you forward… book your FREE Breakthrough To Love call today!
Sending you all the love,
xx Jessica Elizabeth xx