We rose from the ashes... blood and a whole lot of tears to find LOVE!

and YOU can too!

Image credit; Photo by Darius Soodmand on Unsplash

Let's hit the rewind button for a moment...

NYC, 2008; I found myself sitting on my Upper East Side front stoop, in tears, feeling so very left behind, and wondering what the point of it all was.

I had just got off a call, where I was informed of my exclusion from our annual friends ski trip, because it was now a 'couples thing'.   OOOOOF! Right in the stomach! 

My friends, all recently into new relationships, thought they were saving me from an awkward week of being the 7th wheel. All I felt was this absolute confirmation, that I was less than whole for being single AND that I was now firmly running way behind the pack. That they were somehow moving on, and I felt so very stuck. It hurt, and triggered something right to my core.


There I was, strong woman, super successful in my career, a great social life by most standards, living in one of the greatest cities in the world, and feeling so alone and lost. testTHATlower2, I was str8 losing the plot, on my East 87th street building stairs!


I was so far away from my hearts desire, of love and partnership, I might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy.



 

WHY COULDN'T I SEEM TO SORT THIS AREA OUT?

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

WAS I BROKEN?!?

 

Hitting rock bottom in dating, saved my love life.

Surrender, saved my sanity.

And a coach, turned my life, right side round.

Waving a white flag and finally asking for help in the arena of love, literally saved my sanity. It empowered me to a level of wonder womaness that I didn't know was possible, and didn't really know was missing!

My self esteem, SOARED! My Confidence BLOSSOMED! And my tolerance for BS in every area of my life, dropped as I learned how to boundary like a boss, and really have my voice heard!


 

Oh, It also netted me the most extraordinary partnership with a truly wonderful human being, who is so very worthy and able of building a life beyond my wildest dreams with!

Darlin' It ran so much deeper than just getting on on dates.

So much deeper than all the 'drive them crazy for you' tomfoolery I was reading about online.

And it was so not about learning the secret location to the bat cave where all the good men were hiding!

It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty on some days. But that worthy work, was one of the best decisions and investments in me, I've ever made.



 

Oh, and....

 

I AM NOT ALONE!  

My clients experience this same love life revolution and
deeply personal transformation!

So much so, they wanted to share their experience, with other women, like YOU!

Here is a quick peek at Katie's story;

Catch Katies full testimonial under my RAVE REVIEWS

 

And the lovely superstar, Ruth! 

Read Ruth's full testimonal under my RAVE REVIEWS

I am filled with such incredible gratitude when I receive these powerful testimonials from my clients.  My heart just swells up against my rib cage with joy!   That I have been able to help them facilitate tangible change in their love lives, AND short circuited the process that took me years AND years of blood, sweat and a whole lotta tears to figure out, simply because I was so convinced, I had to figure this out all on my own!   I look back now, and I realize how crazy pants that was... and how I wouldn't and didn't hesitate to ask for help AND invest time, money and energy in my career, education, social life, heck even my travels... to get the results I wanted!   


I hate to get all bragalicious over here, however one of my superpowers??  I have the actual mileage of working with incredible women and getting them results they never knew possible.

The proof is indeed in the pudding ya'll! 




Can we real talk for a moment here?

There are a lot of folks out there who use the term 'expert' and claim they will help you attract the love of your life in 6 days (?!?!)... I'm not one to mince words, so let me boldly call BULLSH%T!   on all that snake oil shizzle!

Transforming how we seek, attract, give and receive love is truly epic and worthy work, that takes time and a whole lotta heart!

 

Both of which I have no doubt, you have in spades, dearest one!

Before I leave you today, I want to let you know, my Spring 2018 Private 1-2-1 Coaching Programs are almost filled to the brim, with just 3 spaces remaining!  If you are serious about revolutionizing your love life, stopping the endless going no where messaging of online dating and start getting out on to real 3d dates, with real 3d people in the real 3d world, the simple truth is, I CAN HELP! 

2018 is cruising at top speed, and if you're not getting anywhere closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your life with, let's get on the phone and have a chat!  FOR FREE!

I am offering up a my signature FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call today, so you and I can get right down to it, and start sorting it!

Let's go on a first date, lady!  BOOK YOUR CALL! 

The LAW OF ATTRACTION... WTAF is it? And why is it NOT working for you?

The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire.  Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!

 
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction?  And how does it work?  

AND, DOES IT EVEN WORK?!?!

Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
 

The Law Of Attraction states, that if someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience.  If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience.  In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situations, experiences, money, people and even, material objects into their life.

 
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)

 

A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story! 

Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION.  Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously.  In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting!  Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
 
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice!  What if that was ten offers? Twenty? 

Head. Officially. Done. In.


The LOA claims that by focusing in our intentions, words and actions towards the things we want to attract, that is exactly what comes our way.  If we are focusing in on all the things we DO NOT want, then similarly, those are the things we attract.  If you pick up your phone for a online dating swipe fest, filled with dread, wondering just how the people on the app will be wrong for you AND disappoint you... If you enter into this engagement filled with the conviction that you will be ghosted, waste your time and find catfishes galore, then THAT is exactly what you will find during your swipe-o-rama.

If we drop out the ‘WOO’ factor completely...

We can prove out time and time again that, changing or mind-set, being more positive, has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality.  Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things!  Even in the virtual world, on the days we are seeking the negative, we will find our eyes drawn to just that.

 
*WARNING* the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’  

It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.    

Affirmations will not do the trick alone!

Please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what will, either make the Law of Attraction actually work, or not work! 

 

For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY. 

We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it.  The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.

 

If I walk down the street, yelling,  'JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!'

I may actually attract some job offers.  Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop?  NO?  Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!  

 
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA. 

If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond…  with a puppy!  Erm, helllllo, PUPPY!!!!! OMG!!!  HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different?  We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look or the partner, you’re going for!

“BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR. 

And I do mean, TAKE GREAT CARE…

Take great care and time, and energy, heck” even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.    
 
 
 
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?

Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...

One of the largest proponents for LOA, is 'THE SECRET'. 
 
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret.  Lemme tell ya why! 

The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present. 
 
And now, we’re back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
 
Hold up mi’lady.  Have you even bought a lottery ticket?  Oh, no?  Erm….


 
Now, how about chanting “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
 Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now? 

And again...  "Are you actively dating right now?  Oh, I see. You took yourself off all the dating apps and don't leave your house other than to go to work?!?!  Erm...

What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?)  who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important.  They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing.   ACTION!

ACTION!!!!!!

Here’s is the deal.  For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING!  You must take actions, take risk, make time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even spend some MONEY, to attract the things you want.

Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl.  Hard, worthy work! 

I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS!  WOMP WOMP.

However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!

In closing;
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
 
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
 
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.

If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!

Your Guide To THRIVING This Valentines Day, SingleAF!

My darling fierce single ladies, 

Oh my, here it comes.  Do you see it?  It’s Valentine’s Day… and it’s here to puke heart shaped everything, ALL OVER YOU AGAIN!  

And I know, that you know, that I know, that YOU KNOW... Valentine’s Day is an uber capitalist, made up holiday designed to monetize love and yet… YOU STILL FEEL IT!  Right there, like punch to your very single heart! 

It’s a jungle out there today in modern love and dating; swipe after soul crushing swipe is getting you know where closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your already amazing life with, or heck even go on a second date!

Just when you’ve bravely survived the holiday season and New Year’s.

Just when you start to grasp onto some of those ‘New Year, New You’ resolutions with some manner of tightness…

 

Lord, help us all, is that FEBRUARY 14 upon us, already?!?!

Babes, I got you.  As your personal feminist LOVE COACH allow me to offer up some incredibly tried and true options, that my clients absolutely love when the dreaded Valentines Day comes knocking in its pink sparkly onsie, that will keep all the angst and despair at bay!   I mean, hey now, at least there’s loads of chocolate on sale come Feb 15th HOWEVER, let’s find more than discounted chocolate covered yumminess as consolation prize, shall we?   Actually, F@CK THAT, Let’s not just survive V Day, LET’S THRIVE!

I have put together a neat little list of ideas for you to actually look forward to February 14th AND I’ve even combed through all the muck, mire and heart covered BS of events on offer in London, for some truly unforgettable SINGELTON Valentines Night out!   

Not in London?  Use this list as inspiration, as you let your fingers do the walking all over that blank google box, cause a lot of the ideas are not tied to location and events just like the ones I mention are happening in a city near you, too!

(p.s. I’ve also included a little of heart shaped Valentine Gift from moi’ to you, at the end of this article.  That’s right, I’m sending you all the love, in the form of some real time tools to help you find and attract the partner you really want, and deserve!)

Get your Wonder Woman boots out of the closet, dearest one… WE’RE ABOUT TO SUPER POWER OUR WAY THROUGH V DAY, SingleAF! 

V DAY THRIVE OPTION 1; 

Get all GALENTINES DAY on it's ass!

Photo credit; levi-guzman via Unsplash

Get together with the current loves of your life, your other fab single GF’s, and celebrate each other!  Yup. There is more than just either being in a relationship OR avoiding Feb 14th like it’s a plague.  In fact, there is a whole diaspora of amazingness on the spectrum between those two traditional V Day options.

Here are some #squadgoals AKA Galentines Day ideas to inspire you;

• MOVIE NIGHT;  Take in a movie on Feb 14th with your squad!

Winchester; Why yes,  I will indeed coven up with my ladies and join Dame Helen Mirren for a night of frightful movie going!  That’s right, no weepy rom-com, which frankly is part of the messaging that is killing modern love and dating anyways, and let’s go right to some good ol’ horror. 

50 Shades FREED -  I mean come on, it’s the ultimate chick flick anyways, so why not get your entourage up and out, and drooling a bit over Cristian Gray??

• Host A Dating Horror Story Awards Night

Have a pot luck dinner party with ALL your single friends, girls, boys and beyond the binary, where each one has to tell TWO of their own dating horror stories.  The Winner with the most cringeworthy story gets a plastic bedazzled crown and hailed as the Ultimate Date Fail Queen/King!

• Get em' up and out!

 Check out one of the many Anti-Valentine’s parties happening in your area. I’ve curated my top picks happening in London, just for you!

1. The empowered women of BUMBLE is hosting an Anti- Valentines event @ one of my fav spots for a bit of fun, BOUNCE! Get your ping pong skills set to ninja!  MORE DETAILS ON THIS EVENT HERE

2. Celebrate Galentines Day by letting your real soul sister, QUEEN BEY, be your guide for some late night single shenanigans!  The Yonce 'Valentines Day' Experiecne @ XOYO on Wed 1r4th of Februart will be playing Beyonce tunes from 10pm -3am, NON STOP! All my singles ladies, UNITE

DETAILS ON EVENT HERE

Or push yourself way outside your postal code… Did somebody say ROAD TRIP??

Hit up skyscanner or whatever your preferred flight app is and play a game of Flight Yahtzee!  Select up to £40 for return flight, and spin the wheel of chance. Then randomly choose a city break based solely on the flights in that price range.  Rock up as a truly empowered INDEPENDENT LADY solo or grab a bestie and wander a new city together.

V DAY THRIVE OPTION 2;

THE REAL QUESTION...

Can you FIND LOVE on Valentines Day?!?!

photo credit; Mayur Gala via Unsplash

If you’re game to find out… Here are some really interesting singles events happening on Valentines Day, for the SingleAF out there in the wilds of modern love & dating!

1. FUCK TINDER

A speed dating comedy show! 

After two completely sold out runs in Australia, as well as sold out shows in Singapore & Edinburgh, f**k Tinder is returning to London.Designed to get single people together to have a good night out, chat to interesting people and do a lot of laughing.  FYI Tickets go fast to these events, cause they’re just that good!   MORE DETAILS FOR EVENT HERE

2. BAES R US

The folks over at BAES R US, have Vday Speed dating nights spanning the Valentine Day period for whatever your sexual preference.  Baes R Us is a fun and fast alternative to the tyranny of Tinder nightmares offering a modern twist on romance. Meet like-minded young creatives offline in a relaxed & cozy setting; the smoothest selections of music all evening, let loose ice-breakers + free cocktail on entry.  (14/02 is Gay, 15/02 is Lesbian, 16/02 is Str8 night)  MORE EVENT DETAILS HERE

3. GET AN EXPERT IN! 

Join ME for a FREE Online Masterclass on Sunday the 18th of February @ 8pm UK (3pm EST / 12 noon PST) as I dish out some of my absolute top tips to starting BOSSING Online Dating!  I will show you how to stop the confidence killing swipefest that is online dating in its tracks and start getting out on real dates with the right people for you, FAST!  I

LEARN MORE AND CLAIM YOUR SPOT HERE

My darlings, it’s time, to push way past your old mode of coping, by simply trudging through Valentines Day like February 14th is just another day, and you are all out of f@cks to give. 

If we want something different, we are going to have to do something different, to get there! 

Spread your strong, independent woman wings, and FLY! 

(*Please note; I am NOT, in any way, associated with the above events or event curators, nor financially benefited by your attendance in any way.  Just being your opinionated, benevolently pushy (ahem, American) LOVE COACH, filtering though all that’s out there to present you with some of the best options on offer)

The 6 Steps to Being A Better Receiver of LOVE; And why Mums struggle to find and receive love, most.

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Before we get to the HOW, we must rumble with the WHY.

One of the most common stumbling blocks for my clients, those looking for love AND those who are in relationships, is the ability to truly receive love from others.

Difficulty with receiving, is not limited solely to the women, however, by far, it effects my female clients far more often than my male clients. Of the women I coach, those who are mothers, suffer most. Struggling to receiving love, appreciation and time from others can be a massive roadblock, we must clear, in order to position them in the place to attract the right partner for them AND to give and receive love, like never before in their relationships.

So why is mostly ‘a women’s issue’?  And why in the world, are Mum’s the worst receivers?

Because, we are the best givers.

Women in general, are the not socialized nor taught to be very good receivers.  In fact, quite the opposite.  From a very young age, we begin training, to be nurturers and givers. We push our little mini pram with its dolly down the street proudly, and the praise received for being such good carers, starts young.  From as little as 3 years old, we begin to define our self-worth, by how well we care for others. OR, in this case, for dolly.  Little girls are often given the role of minder or babysitter, for their siblings, way younger than boys.  And, I meet VERY few little boys who are running their very own babysitting empire by age 13… like I was. In fact, I haven’t met or heard about a single one!  That is not to say their isn’t a 13 year old boy out there, running his very own version of The Babysitters Club however the rare exception does not negate the fact that even that famous series of books, features girls and is geared towards girls! 

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Under traditional gender roles, we are encouraged to provide for others, through acts of great service.  We cook, clean, chase children to and fro, take leading roles in selecting schools for our children, their hobbies, play dates.  I would love to type here that up until the 1950’s-1970’s we were also the sole care takers of the adult men in our lives, however I think saying ‘up till’ is pretending like that expectation is firmly in the past, and, for many, it’s not.

And the ultimate well in which we are expected and applauded for pouring all of our time, energy, spirit and even money into… is parenting.  

When I am working with single Mums, who are looking for love, the struggle is realAF.  On most days, you are indeed the sole carers for your children with little choice in taking the leading role. Often, the children, become a focal point for all our love. Here is someone who consciously, or unconsciously we have decided, won’t hurt us, abandon us or think we are anything less than Super Woman. Well, at least till their about 15, then it’s anyone’s guess what the teen version of them, will think of us.  

Even the love, we should be showing ourselves, gets bumped down the priority list, to meet their needs, wants and desires, first.  Some common battle cries I hear… “I do really want to take this course, but I’m saving to take the kids to Disney!”  OR “A weekend yoga retreat?!?! I desperately need that BUT I don’t have time or money for that! Now, piano lessons for little Susie, that I HAVE to find the money for!”

Sound vaguely familiar, dearest one?

Now let’s play this careGIVER role out in our adult relationships.

Another very common tale I hear, is of women who call me absolutely mystified when their partner or new beau has legged it.  They did EVERYTHING for them! Who was there when their mom died?? You!  Who helped them re-write their CV so they could land that dream job?? YOU!  Who encouraged, loved, cared for and GAVE to them everything a human could ask for?  YOU!   So why? WHY DID THEY LEAVE AFTER YOU DID ALL THAT!?!?

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Ready for a truth bomb? 

Deep breathes. Here it comes.  These traditional gender roles, have been messing with hetero normative relationships, and hindering their success, for millennia!  Cause guess what? We are raising our men to be providers!  The great hunters!  So when we do all the providing AND we can’t allow ourselves to receive?!?  YIKES!  Game over!  There is a deep rooted phycology that simply cannot connect in a loving relationship, if one person is doing all the giving and the other person is not being allowed OR challenged to provide.

Sorry, ladies.  I have to drop another big and painful truth bomb… to complete this picture.

When we GIVE we feel more in control. When we have to receive, we feel less in control and way more vulnerable.  BOOM.  Giving can be smoke screen we use, to incubate ourselves from being disappointed and hurt.

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NOW LET'S GET TO THE HOW!

Learning how to receive is paramount to participating in a healthy, successful relationship.  The steps to do so are simple, however not always so easy to master.

• Step 1 – We need to come to believe we are worthy to receive.

• Step 2 – We must break the association that our self-worth, (that we will only be enough), to our ability to give.  We have to feel confident, that we are still enough, whether we give or not.

• Step 3 – We need to become way more discerning about to whom, and why we give. 

• Step 4 – We have to slowly start to open up to receive.  Heck, most of can barely receive a compliment without trying to side step to shoo it away!

• Step 5 – We have to allow others to do for us.  We have to relinquish the control, that comes with giving, and lean into the courage and vulnerability it takes to receive.

• Step 6 – We need to start with us, first.  We must start caring for ourselves, and bumping SELF LOVE and SELF CARE, way up the priority list!

If you want to become a better receiver, and therefore position yourself to not just attract but keep the love you deserve, be brave, and take the above steps!

Please do engage deeply with compassion and care for yourself.  We are slowly re-educating ourselves, learning a new way to be seen and to be loved.  It won’t happen overnight, and some days will be better than others, by far.  And that’s okay. Step by step, inch by inch, we open our hearts and minds to being able to truly receive, love.

The Fallacy of the 'COOL GIRL' and why playing it cool, rarely gets the love

The Cool Girl.  She's so easy breezy, drama free, roll with the punches, always up for a good time, ride or die chick.   She is available for fun, whenever, wherever.  She doesn’t make demands on her new love interests.  She doesn’t inquire about messages that go unanswered, dates that are canceled last minute nor does she pay any mind to the fact they are still on dating apps, 3 months into seeing each other. 

The Cool Girl always has their back, and will support you through it all, whilst never expecting any acknowledgement or commitment in return. 

You need a cheer leader for that new job interview? Give me a ‘C’! 

You need a cheerleader to get over your Ex? Give me a ‘O’! 

You need a cheerleader for your sick mom?  Give me an ‘O’!

How about a cheerleader for that redundancy you didn’t see coming?  GIVE ME A ‘L’!! 

What does that spell?? COOL! COOL! COOL!

Yup. She does it ALL whilst never asking for much in return.

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The COOL GIRL never say’s I LOVE YOU, first.  She never has the big relationship ‘talk’.  She never say’s their behavior is unacceptable.  Rush? What rush? There is no rush from a cool girl!  Cause’ she is WAY TOO COOL for all that. 

She is both too cool to care and too cool to make waves, whilst simultaneously being their BFF, with so many benefits.

And that nonchalance? That uber coolness… is why people fall madly in love with her, right?

WRONG!

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We think, by playing to cool… by being a consummate bad ass support, by not challenging others to meet our needs, to love us and to show up for us, that will ‘make’ someone want to stay. HOWEVER, time and time again, that is not how that story ends. 

This is the fallacy of the Cool Girl. 

And it is most certainly, a cautionary tale!

Now, here is an all more common bed time story.  Girl does all of the above, and possibly so much more.  She blends into the walls, being all laughs and good times.  She NEVER says she want’s something serious, yet she is fulfilling all the boss ass roles of the perfect girlfriend.  She helps them through some of the toughest times in their life, she is a barrel of laughs, drinking beer with the boys, no pressure, no drama perfection… and then, THEY LEAVE.

Uh oh, the Cool Girl is a hot mess, now. 

WHY?, She laments.  I did EVERYTHING for them! I was sooooo easy, breezy, calm and collected!  I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING and I DID EVERYTHING for them!  How could they not SEE what an amazing partner I would be????

Ready for a psychology truth bomb?  Take cover!

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Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to a person, its obligates you to DO something.  Committed long term relationships, ARE WORK.  Hard work. Worthy work.

People make commitments to other people based more from obligation, then from passion. 

They feel it is the right thing to do. AND, they feel they are a better person for doing so.  They have experienced some of the ‘work’ and they have experienced some of the reward, from that work.  Psychologically, we are driven to commit, because it is being required of us to continue on the path, to attain more of what is giving us the sensory of accomplishment and appreciation.   

In hetero normative relationships, add in a healthy dose of gender socialization for, um, millennia, and you have MEN who have an overwhelming need to provide.

The Cool Girl?  She did all the providing.  She required no sense of obligation.  She never gave them the chance to do any of the work, so they never experienced the reward.  They also never truly experienced reward, accomplishment and appreciation based on that work.

PLUS, she never truly showed her cards, she was TOO COOL to express the deep emotions she felt for this persons, TO BE VULNERABLE.   When we are vulnerable, we do indeed open ourselves up to the possibility to rejection and hurt, HOWEVER it is through that very same open space, that void of need, that someone can step in, AND PROVIDE LOVE!

The reality is, the more instructive you are about what you want and need, the more clearly defined the role is for someone to actually, FILL IT!

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And don’t even get me started on how, even when we do ‘get the partner’ the devastation that follows when you do, drop the cool girl persona, and start truly showing up as you, does to a partnership.  ‘They were SO different when we first met!’ becomes a battle cry that couples have a very, VERY hard time getting out from under.

Any pennies dropping for you, dearest one?

Feel like I am telling your story?  

Are you a COOL GIRL?  How’s that been truly serving you?  

What will YOU do to drop the cool and make them WERRRK for it?

Putting the cart before the horse, in LOVE.

What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
-Tina Turner

Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?!   Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!! 

We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!


I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”

From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?” 



Ever hear that old phrase...   You can’t put the cart before the horse?  

image; pixabay

Well  darling,  LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart.   CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!

However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.


So how do we connect with others?  how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?

image via Pixabay

• We connect with others through clear open communication.

• We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.

• We connect to others by listening to what they have to say. 

• We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves. 

• We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all. 

• We connect with others by asking for help.

• We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.

• We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.

There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.


The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.



A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes.  Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!

image via Pixabay

Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?!   WHAT IF THEY DO??????  No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!

Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners. 


We blame time. Life is so busy! 

We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?

We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us.  THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!

We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!   
 

Blame, is never very helpful. 


This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy!  This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!



So, how’s that horse of yours?  I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time. 

What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?

What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?