The Big THREE Relationships Types; Which one do YOU think healthiest?

An interesting topic keeps arising with both my Relationship Coaching clients, the brave couples and empowered individuals who are in relationships AND my Love Coaching clients, the incredible fierce women who are out there in the wilds of the dating jungle.

 

What is a healthy relationship?

Whilst there are as many ways to flesh out the many facets and unique paths towards a ‘healthy relationship’ there are a few basic fundamental points that are universal and if we want the journey of love and partnership to thrive and be a well paved smooth road, we need to navigate the three primary relationships highways, with great care.

Image credit: stephane delval  via unpslash.com

One of the basic principals of coaching, for me the coach, is to never assume you know, what I know.  Confession time!  I don’t always get that right.   And over the last few weeks, it’s become apparent that this very topic is one of the ways, I’ve fallen down, as a coach.  And today, I RECTIFY THAT!  WOOT!

There are three major categories that relationships (and most people who engage with ANY kind of relationship) fall into; Independent, Co-dependent and Interdependent.

This is not one of those millennial races, where every one get’s a prize… there is one clear winner for the best and healthiest type of engagement in relationships. 

In today’s LOVE LETTER I am going to present the big three, and YOU, dearest one, are going to tell me, what you think is the #1 health winner.  Hop on, LET’S RIDE!

CO-DEPENDENT:

Co-dependent relationships are one of the most common ailments I come across in my coaching practice. 

Here is the dictionary definition of CO-DEPENDANT.

Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

Right now, you might be thinking OH SNAP, BEEN THERE BOUGHT THE T SHIRT!

Or you might be saying, Hey drug addiction>? Mental health?  That’s not been my relationship experience!

Let me  drill down on the simpler yet deeper explanation of co-dependency.

I am only okay, if you are okay.

My well being is directly influenced by your well being.

I am not sure where I end, and you begin.

Co-dependent relationships are toxic for ALL who are involved, it enables the person we are trying to fix and it stifles our own happiness and ability to self create happiness from within.

INDEPENDENT:

Dictionary definition of INDEPENDENT = Free from outside control.  Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

Whilst this does affect more of my single Love Coaching clients, it’s also not uncommon with those in relationships.  Independence is not a bad thing. In fact this feminist LOVES her some independence! Hellllo free from outside control! YASSS!

HOWEVER when we are using independence to self sustain 100% because we are convinced others will disappoint us, OR we feel that no one can be relied upon to do the job and/or do it right AND/OR  in general are using independence to shield our own control issues… we lose out on allowing others to provide for us. 

Human beings often connect most meaningfully in the exchange of love and through acts of contribution.   If we are too independent to truly receive from others, we in effect make them redundant.  And most people want to feel they play an active, impactful role on others lives.  That they can contribute sustenance, whether that be emotional, mental, spiritual or even financial. 

People are generally drawn to go where they are needed most. In fact, that’s often how we define a ‘good person’.

INTERDEPENDENT:

image credit: Evertone Vila via Unsplash.com

Definition = mutually dependent; depending on each other creating a framework of partnership.

My personal definition for independent?  I want AND need you in my life, but not to have a life.  

Interdependent relationships mean relying on each other for mutual support.  Adding to someone’s happiness, however not being the sole font for that person’s happiness. We are open to give and receive within healthy boundaries, where asked, where appropriate whilst still allowing and even expecting self-sufficiency, too. Interdependent t partnerships do not necessarily mean everything is split down the middle 50/50, but instead means that each individuals assets and limitations are valued and utilized for an overall sense of equality. 

You can be in an interdependent relationship where one spouse is the overall ‘bread winner’ whilst the other spouse is provides the highly valuable ( yet wildly un monetized) service of childcare.  In a healthy interdependent relationships, those roles do not have to correlate with traditional gender roles, and yet they still can, if that is what works best for your relationship. 

You can be in an interdependent relationship and still put concerted effort in to brightening your partners day, or booking those concert tickets you know will bring them joy but you don’t feel you HAVE to do those things in order to be liked, loved desired by your partner OR that if you don’t ‘make them happy’ they won’t BE happy.

I do hope the above offers you a very clear and easy to apply standard for relationships. 

POP QUIZ!!!

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IS THE WINNER FOR HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP OF THE YEAR? 

And, where do you see where you have been curating, participating and harming yourself and others in your past relationship?  OR, your current one, my dear? 

Can’t wait to hear your responses in the comments!

xx

I found THE BIGGEST KEY SECRET to relationship happiness!!

And I, the relationship expert, didn’t even truly know THEN, just what an epic piece of the relationship puzzle this truly was, till THIS PAST YEAR!

Not me, not my partner…Neither of us had any real idea what an integral starring role this plays our very successful partnership.  And now that we do know, we can’t stop seeing WHY this is such a big deal.

Just last week, as my husband and I were wandering around the streets of Paris, on a quick city break…we found ourselves having this convo again about this integral element of our relationship bliss, that we had absolutely no idea during the dating and early relationship phase, was such going to prove to be such a BIGGIE secret weapon in our marital happiness!

This particular deep BIG OL’ core value issue comes up for many of my coaching clients, and it is, hands down, the hardest one to align and move towards reconciliation around…

What is possibly the most super crazy???   

NOBODY, NOT THE EXPERTS, NOT OTHER HAPPY COUPLES, NOT ALL THE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE MALARKEY ONLINE… NOBODY IS TALKING ENOUGH ABOUT THIS ELEMENT!!

Check it out. I know that my husband isn’t a unicorn.  He’s not some mythological beast and I just happened to stumble across.  I know our marriage is not just magically easy.  It takes active work on self-awareness, compassion and communication to make ANY partnership thrive.  And our relationship, is no different.  HOWEVER, we did get off on the best possible start, in one area, by luck really!    

Okay, let me back track for a minute here…

Before I met Mark, I had invested in love coaching, because my dating and love life was a #hotmessexpress.  In fact, love was my ultimate Achilles heel, for years.  No matter how much improvement I saw in every other area of my life, my romantic relationships lagged behind my usual badassery,. My love life truly resembled a rescue puppy dog headed back to the shelter.

One of the MANY results of that coaching work, was that I was way more intentional about WHO I was choosing and WHY. 

I had a relatively firm grasp on my CORE VALUES and had TAKEN OUT just enough of the ‘love will conquer all’ aesthetic, that was so not serving me, so I could make healthy relationship choices that were both practical and loving, towards myself and others.

I had learned that CONNECTION was the fuel for LOVE.   I also learned, that living with someone day in and day out, was the real nitty gritty of what can make or break a partnership. That lasting CONNECTION was about ALIGNMENT.

GUESS WHAT?  Even with ALL that knowledge, there was one thing that truly was luck.  Or at the very least, I had no idea would prove to one of the most important reasons my marriage works so well.

A day to day, core value issue, we both had no idea was so important, and that I give thanks for every day, that we got right, without even knowing how right we needed to get it, before we said, I DO.

Of all the things we identified during our chats, like our high level of mutual respect, the goodwill we have for one another, and the mega trust we had built… the ONE THING that really had one of the greatest impacts on why we are able to co-habitate and build a life with one another, was the least hippy dippy, wooo wooo of all???

HELLLLLO, MONEY MINDSET!!

 

image via Pixabay

ICK, Money?  Where is the rom-com, period drama like love in that??  

Here’s the deal. My husband and I have very similar outlook on money. It’s value, how to spend it, when to save it, where is the best place to put it, and what having it and not having it, means to us.  Our money mindset is not identical.  Emotionally I see money as independence and power, power to live a particular lifestyle and power to help others.  The hubba hubba, he emotionally ties money to security and stability. The means to those different emotional ends, is where we are so very aligned.

We rarely disagree on the monetary value of things.  We both had almost the exact number in mind when it came to putting on that quite expensive party of a wedding and no one is off sneaking around buying things and smuggling them into the house.  When I see a parade of Amazon purchases showing up on our doorstep, I don’t go running to check the bank balance.  I KNOW it's not in his nature to spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need and I too do not spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need! (For the record, I did NEED all those French moisturizers I bought in Paris!)

Our intellectual and emotional response to what money should be spent and what should be saved, are in alignment. 

Before we got married, we moved in together; Without too much discussion, we opened a joint checking account.  We both still had our separate checking, savings investment accounts.  When we got married, we consolidated ALL our money, aside from some retirement investments, without much deliberation or concern whatsoever.  We could only do that so easily, confidently (and freely) because we shared the same money mindset, and on that foundation, trust around money was easier to cultivate.

All of our individual purchases came from the very same account. Full stop.  At the time, I made well over twice as much money as he did, and never for a second was I worried he would go off  ‘spending all MY money’.  We split most things down the middle however from time to time, I gladly spent more, since I had more, without feeling any sense of injustice.  My husband, gratefully, does not tie his masculinity (or provider status) to bank balances, so he never felt threatened by our income disparity.

When I left my old career to pursue a coaching certification and start my business, it was all swings and round-a-bouts those first coupe of years, with who was earning and providing more money.  As a couple, there was little distress on our union, even though our overall income dropped considerably.   

I am not saying, joint accounts are THE KEY answer!  I am saying...

Looking back, we both realized that MONEY MINDSET was so crucial to our happiness levels in our life, and our marriage.

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Arguments over money and lifestyle associated to money is high up on the marriage killer offender list.  LIKE, WAY WAY UP THERE. 

As a Relationship Coach, who works with couples week in and week out, I can tell you that some of the most bitter resentments and seemingly insurmountable trials in many of these partnerships, is around money mindset.

The one thing every single one of us does EVERY DAY, even if we don’t leave the house, is breathe.. and spend money.  That light on my desk and the internet whirring silently, as I type this, are costing me money.

So what does an aligned money mindset look like?   

Well, firstly aligned doesn’t equate to mirrored.  Some differences in views around money can go a long way.  I can think of a few people I know, who the very last thing they need, is someone who spends money the way they do!  Either because, they would be in Las Vegas every night OR because they would save every last penny earned and never EVER go on holiday!  

HOWEVER, alignment is about two (or more) things moving in the same direction at the same time.  It’s an overall shared trajectory and understanding of what effect money has on our physical, mental and emotional well being.

There is no avoiding the hard truth, that in our world, money represents security.  Yet, perhaps the greatest contradiction, is that having more money doesn’t always makes different people feel the same way. 

Biggie Smalls said it best “Mo’ money Mo problems”.

This is why, even a couple who has ‘all the monies’ can be the couple who fights most viciously about that same money.  There is where the crux of alignment shows it’s face most clearly. 

 

THE KEY? 

It's NOT about how much or how little money there is, but our relationship and engagement with money, that matters. 

It's whether we are operating from a place of scarcity or abundance around money, and if we are behaving from possessive dependency or transparent interdependence.

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For those of you have yet to find your partner to be, I encourage you to dig deep about how you really FEEL about and actively associate with money.

It’s all very taboo in our society to talk about money and love together, however, please push past the messaging that this isn’t something that’s spiritual or loving or ‘done’ and start digging. 

The more clearly we choose a life partner based on our Core Values, the better chance we have at sustaining connection and love, for the long haul.   

For those of you reading this, who are in partnerships, and you are now thinking right now, ‘uh oh, we got big, BIG problems in this area’, please know that alignment is achievable, even for those who are frighteningly out of whack.

Willingness and understanding, of ourselves and our partners money mindset, is the base to which we can align ourselves to be moving in the same direction!  

We have to want to, and we have to be open to the idea, that our way is not the only, right way. Alignment is NOT bending others to our will!   As impossible as it may feel to you, I can guarantee that IF you proactively open yourself up to new ideas, and processes every day… in your relationship, at work, with friends, even on your holiday bookings, ALIGNMENT becomes possible!  

Sending you ALL the love!  xx

Jedi Training For Your New Relationship!

Happy New Year!

What’s been on my mind?  Well, how can I factor Star Wars into a blog about relationships? Of course!  

Don’t worry, I won’t clog the content with metaphor.  I will allow the art form that is the GIF, do most of the heavy Star Wars lifting.   Also, there will be no Last Jedi SPOILERS in this edition of the Love Letters, though, come on now, you really haven’t seen it yet?? Hellllllo!??!?!

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So yeah, another year and another epic Star Wars movie have just left us…  AND THIS TIME, you had someone to cuddle up with at the movie theater to watch it with, WOOT!

That’s right, watch out world… against all odds of the Empire, you swiped your way to love.  OR at least, what appears to be an almost unicorn like person, in what has been a Tatooine desert of ghosts, duds, jerks and just soooo not right for you, people.   

So there you are, watching the rebellion give rise to great hope… and whilst you are genuinely trying to enjoy every moment of it, you’re kinda’ freaking out!  A pervading voice from the dark side, keeps urgently whispering in your ear…”Don’t F@ck this up!!!!’

I get this particular brand of SOS call at least a few times a month from both men and women.  People who are just starting out in relationships and overwhelmed with the fear that they’re going to f@ck it up. That, just one small misstep will bring the dominoes of their new burgeoning love, toppling into a million broken pieces on the floor.

The good news?   Most of that is just scarcity. The fear that you are not enough to deserve this wonderful new love. And some of it is completely learn-able techniques, you simply, were never taught.

 

The Bad news? That scarcity is crawling all over you.  It’s got you like WHOA, and if you are feeding those scarcity gremlins after midnight… you will indeed participate in the demise of this new relationship.

Can you break a new thing in two?  YES.  You absolutely can.  Will it be one tiny misstep that unravels the whole thing?  NO!

Human engagement and connection (AKA Relationships) are way more multi-faceted than one little aspect, toppling it.

Here are my top three tips on what challenges can make or break a new relationship in its first toddling year.

1. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

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For some reason, we all think we should be relationship experts, that there is no margin for error for ourselves and our new partners.  When in reality, there is no formal structure for learning about relationship skills. There is No Relationships 101 course in University, and for many of us #notallofus, we didn't have very good teachers at home, either. 

We experience shame when we make communication errors and or have the expectation that we are supposed to 'get it right' every time. A relationship mind-set recipe for disappointment and disaster. 

If you hear yourself saying to yourself, your partner and any friend who will listen “They should just KNOW how” or “How can I be 30something (or 40something) and NOT know how to do relationships?!?”, I invite you now, to take a deep breath and welcome the compassion I am offering.

WE ALL MISSED THAT CLASS IN SCHOOL BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST! 

2. HEALTHY AND INSTRUCTIVE BOUNDARIES:

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How we start is how we will go on.

Many people, especially women, try to make themselves so accommodating and easy to be with at the start of a relationship because of fear based scarcity. If we do not show people from the very start how we need to be cared for and loved, we are not providing our partner and our relationship the authentic rich soil to thrive.

Good people inherently treat us, as we instruct them to.  And being clear about that early on, creates a framework for you both to succeed + stops the nostalgic "she/he was so different when we first got together' battle cry, that can really kill a relationship down the road.

3. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION!

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It's so important, I had to type it three times! 

Learning techniques to communicate our needs clearly and in a positive manner that the other party can understand is an integral part to any relationships success.  My clients are blown away at how, when they change the way they communicate their desires and needs, how differently AND abundantly their partners respond! 

All of us come with an instruction manual inside of us.  Finding it for ourselves and showing others with compassionate love, how to use that manual is a great act of love, towards ourselves and towards our partners.

Are you freaking out, worried that your lack of experience and knowledge on how to be in a happy, healthy relationship might just blow up your chances at love? 

My ‘NEW LOVE’ programs are uniquely designed to offer YOU the tools and techniques for you to start CONFIDENTLY down the road to forever love.  As an individual and/or as a couple!  Let’s start out 2018 as you mean to carry on. 

Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call, so you can get the clarity neeeded to create a tangible strategy to learn the skills to keep YOU and your new relationship THRIVING!

Looking forward to sending you more LOVE LETTERS in 2018 and helping YOU find and keep the LOVE YOU DESERVE!   xx

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The 6 Steps to Being A Better Receiver of LOVE; And why Mums struggle to find and receive love, most.

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Before we get to the HOW, we must rumble with the WHY.

One of the most common stumbling blocks for my clients, those looking for love AND those who are in relationships, is the ability to truly receive love from others.

Difficulty with receiving, is not limited solely to the women, however, by far, it effects my female clients far more often than my male clients. Of the women I coach, those who are mothers, suffer most. Struggling to receiving love, appreciation and time from others can be a massive roadblock, we must clear, in order to position them in the place to attract the right partner for them AND to give and receive love, like never before in their relationships.

So why is mostly ‘a women’s issue’?  And why in the world, are Mum’s the worst receivers?

Because, we are the best givers.

Women in general, are the not socialized nor taught to be very good receivers.  In fact, quite the opposite.  From a very young age, we begin training, to be nurturers and givers. We push our little mini pram with its dolly down the street proudly, and the praise received for being such good carers, starts young.  From as little as 3 years old, we begin to define our self-worth, by how well we care for others. OR, in this case, for dolly.  Little girls are often given the role of minder or babysitter, for their siblings, way younger than boys.  And, I meet VERY few little boys who are running their very own babysitting empire by age 13… like I was. In fact, I haven’t met or heard about a single one!  That is not to say their isn’t a 13 year old boy out there, running his very own version of The Babysitters Club however the rare exception does not negate the fact that even that famous series of books, features girls and is geared towards girls! 

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Under traditional gender roles, we are encouraged to provide for others, through acts of great service.  We cook, clean, chase children to and fro, take leading roles in selecting schools for our children, their hobbies, play dates.  I would love to type here that up until the 1950’s-1970’s we were also the sole care takers of the adult men in our lives, however I think saying ‘up till’ is pretending like that expectation is firmly in the past, and, for many, it’s not.

And the ultimate well in which we are expected and applauded for pouring all of our time, energy, spirit and even money into… is parenting.  

When I am working with single Mums, who are looking for love, the struggle is realAF.  On most days, you are indeed the sole carers for your children with little choice in taking the leading role. Often, the children, become a focal point for all our love. Here is someone who consciously, or unconsciously we have decided, won’t hurt us, abandon us or think we are anything less than Super Woman. Well, at least till their about 15, then it’s anyone’s guess what the teen version of them, will think of us.  

Even the love, we should be showing ourselves, gets bumped down the priority list, to meet their needs, wants and desires, first.  Some common battle cries I hear… “I do really want to take this course, but I’m saving to take the kids to Disney!”  OR “A weekend yoga retreat?!?! I desperately need that BUT I don’t have time or money for that! Now, piano lessons for little Susie, that I HAVE to find the money for!”

Sound vaguely familiar, dearest one?

Now let’s play this careGIVER role out in our adult relationships.

Another very common tale I hear, is of women who call me absolutely mystified when their partner or new beau has legged it.  They did EVERYTHING for them! Who was there when their mom died?? You!  Who helped them re-write their CV so they could land that dream job?? YOU!  Who encouraged, loved, cared for and GAVE to them everything a human could ask for?  YOU!   So why? WHY DID THEY LEAVE AFTER YOU DID ALL THAT!?!?

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Ready for a truth bomb? 

Deep breathes. Here it comes.  These traditional gender roles, have been messing with hetero normative relationships, and hindering their success, for millennia!  Cause guess what? We are raising our men to be providers!  The great hunters!  So when we do all the providing AND we can’t allow ourselves to receive?!?  YIKES!  Game over!  There is a deep rooted phycology that simply cannot connect in a loving relationship, if one person is doing all the giving and the other person is not being allowed OR challenged to provide.

Sorry, ladies.  I have to drop another big and painful truth bomb… to complete this picture.

When we GIVE we feel more in control. When we have to receive, we feel less in control and way more vulnerable.  BOOM.  Giving can be smoke screen we use, to incubate ourselves from being disappointed and hurt.

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NOW LET'S GET TO THE HOW!

Learning how to receive is paramount to participating in a healthy, successful relationship.  The steps to do so are simple, however not always so easy to master.

• Step 1 – We need to come to believe we are worthy to receive.

• Step 2 – We must break the association that our self-worth, (that we will only be enough), to our ability to give.  We have to feel confident, that we are still enough, whether we give or not.

• Step 3 – We need to become way more discerning about to whom, and why we give. 

• Step 4 – We have to slowly start to open up to receive.  Heck, most of can barely receive a compliment without trying to side step to shoo it away!

• Step 5 – We have to allow others to do for us.  We have to relinquish the control, that comes with giving, and lean into the courage and vulnerability it takes to receive.

• Step 6 – We need to start with us, first.  We must start caring for ourselves, and bumping SELF LOVE and SELF CARE, way up the priority list!

If you want to become a better receiver, and therefore position yourself to not just attract but keep the love you deserve, be brave, and take the above steps!

Please do engage deeply with compassion and care for yourself.  We are slowly re-educating ourselves, learning a new way to be seen and to be loved.  It won’t happen overnight, and some days will be better than others, by far.  And that’s okay. Step by step, inch by inch, we open our hearts and minds to being able to truly receive, love.

Putting the cart before the horse, in LOVE.

What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
-Tina Turner

Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?!   Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!! 

We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!


I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”

From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?” 



Ever hear that old phrase...   You can’t put the cart before the horse?  

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Well  darling,  LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart.   CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!

However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.


So how do we connect with others?  how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?

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• We connect with others through clear open communication.

• We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.

• We connect to others by listening to what they have to say. 

• We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves. 

• We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all. 

• We connect with others by asking for help.

• We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.

• We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.

There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.


The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.



A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes.  Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!

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Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?!   WHAT IF THEY DO??????  No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!

Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners. 


We blame time. Life is so busy! 

We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?

We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us.  THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!

We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!   
 

Blame, is never very helpful. 


This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy!  This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!



So, how’s that horse of yours?  I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time. 

What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?

What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?

uh oh, Its's time to talk about S E X! Part 1; For those in relationships...

This past week, I’ve been talking quite a bit about sex & sensuality with both my dating & relationship coaching clients. Whilst I don't define myself as a sex coach, you really can't facilitate transformation around love, dating, relationships & partnership,  and not talk about S E X!

For my dating clients, the issue swirls itself around the messaging we get as women about when, how and with who, we are ‘allowed’ to have all the sex.

For my relationship coaching clients, more often than not, its about… sex?!?! UM, WHAT’S THAT?!?!   Post baby(s), mid career ladder, daily responsibility and stress uptick and a healthy dollop of being years into a partnership… sex is no longer something on a weekly, or even monthly rotating schedule! YIKES!

So this week, I will be offering up TWO blogs on ONE BOLD TOPIC, that I do hope offers everyone a bit of insight, hope and clarity around, well, SEX! 

PART 1; SEX FOR THOSE IN RELATIONSHIPS:

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I know you’re squirming a bit reading this.  It’s okay.  Talking about sex, makes most people a bit uncomfortable.  Yet, talk about it, we must!  I tell you what, sit back and let the brash American take the lead in the convo, and you can just sit back and read, for now.

Why do we need to talk about SEX?  Well, my dear, SEX is one of the SIX major components of any romantic partnership. Period.  It isn’t always the MOST important for a couple however,  if you are not having it, or unsatisfied in that area… addressing the elephant in the bedroom, can create an epic shift in your relationship.  In order to have a well-balanced, healthy and lasting partnership, sex needs to be a nourished part of the equation.

John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, who has been researching couples and relationships for over 30 years, states in his research and books, over and over,  couples who prioritize sex vs. leave sex as the very last thing on the to do list, not only have lasting happy partnerships, they are RELATIONSHIP MASTERS.

Let me break this down to its absolute essence. 

LOVE requires connection.  Without connection, LOVE FADES.  Connection between two people is built on many things, however TOUCH and yes, SEXUAL TOUCH is the most relevant and epic way to build and maintain connection.   Whilst touch is not the ONLY way, it’s not a one over the other, deal.  Thinking of connection as a series of touch stones.   SHARED INTERESTS, SHARED ACTIVITIES, SHARED PHYSICAL TOUCH, to name just a few, ALL must be included in our touch stones.  We can touch some stones more frequently than others; however we cannot neglect a stone for too long, without the connection faltering.  When people begin to sense loss of love, and question if they still love someone… what we really need to focus in on, is the connection.  Think of love, almost as a bi-product of connection.  Connection is the horse.  Love is the cart. And oh all the wondrous things we can pile into that cart of love!!!

image via Pixabay

One of the larger factors that stops physical touch and sex, beyond it dropping down the priority list, is a drop in our own feeling of sexiness and sensuality.  Please note, this is one of the root causes for singles AND couples AND for men AND women! 

I think we are often quick to assume that sexiness and sensuality are primarily feminine qualities.  They are not. Or at least not in the way we think of them.

It has been proven out that one of men’s most common fears, is, they will be laughed at… in bed.  Humiliation and ego are tied to this however mainly, the fear is about a loss of respect, ability and power, which we as a society, have primed men to equate with their own sexiness.  There are people who do not care whatsoever if the other person is getting pleasure from sex, however those people do not typically commit to relationships, or remain in them for very long… so chances are your ability, as a man, to perform and satisfy your partner sexually, has a direct result on your own view of your sensuality.

Similarly, for many women, their sexiness and sensuality is tied directly to how they perceive themselves physically.  How themselves and their partner views them and their body, during sex.  No offenses fellas, but our own determination of how sexy we look actually contributes to how sexy we feel way more directly than yours.  It’s why, no matter how many times you tell us, how sexy we look, it doesn’t usually effect how we feel about it ourselves

image via Pixabay

Interestingly, if we follow this trail back to its source, for both men and women, we find self-esteem staring us in the face.  Our self-esteem is how we value ourselves. How we truly evaluate ourselves is primary to how others values us.   Begin at the beginning, dearest one.

Ask yourself...

• What are the things that YOU DO that help you feel more worthy of enjoying sex? 

• What are the things YOU DO that make YOU feel more sexy? Even when no one is around to see or appreciate it?

• WHAT can you start DOING more of, to feel more confident, sensual… starting TODAY? 

Fancy underpants?

Going to the gym?

Yoga?

Red lippie?

Booking in that weekend away, ALONE? To just do all the things YOU want to do?

Running?

A new suit?

A big win at work?

Creating something with your own two hands?

A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.   Ready to take your first baby step towards reclaiming your sensuality?

image via pixabay

If you want more access to my expert knowledge on curating and maintaining empowered relationships, please do join us in the free facebook group, THE EMPOWERED LOVE & RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL!   I post actionable tips and thought provoking commentary in the group daily, and go LIVE weekly talking about topics that can help you, have the relationship you both deserve.

THE BLAME GAME

How's your Blame Game skills these days? 

Ahhhh yes, The Blame Game.  I'm well acquainted with this party trick, for sure!

It’s typically the very first thing we go to, in the heat of the moment, when we are hurt and angry.  Which is actually completely normal.  When someone feels victimized, when we are hurt, we naturally focus our attention on the person, place or thing that has hurt us.

If I am burned by the stove, after whelping a very loud ouch or, in my case, most likely a high volume expletive, my eyes will go to, the stove!  If, on hearing me scream out, you come running into the kitchen and ask, ‘What happened?’,  I will point at the stove! 

If we further unpick this analogy, we realize that the stove didn’t burn me. I burned myself on the stove.  I got too close to something hot, I was careless, doing too many things at once, the stove, of course, did not leap across the kitchen and burn me!

So when we are hurt by our partners, whether that harm is real or perceived, intentional or unintentional, the finger will naturally rise and point at them.

The Blame Game, is when we never stop to unpick our part. 

The Blame Game is when we are always carrying around with us, all the things they have done, to cause us harm. 

The Blame Game is when we decide unequivocally, that the problems and failings in our partnerships, are completely (or most often) their fault.   

I know what you’re thinking… BUT JESSICA, IT IS THEIR FAULT!!! 

Yes, sometimes the blame is absolutely, justified and pointed in the right place!

Here’s the thing;

THE BLAME GAME, IS A LOSING GAME.

EVERY.

DAMN.

TIME.

If you want to change the communication in your partnership, and start to garner some truly effective transformation in how you express and then get your needs met… The Blame Game MUST go!

Here’s some tips on doing just that;

• Never make your partner feel selfish, inadequate or incompetent. Effective communication will dissolve if we focus on pointing out the other persons shortcomings. Any human being’s natural reaction will be to go on the defensive AND/OR to be demobilized by shame.  

• Find a time to have the discussion when you are calm. Attempting to have effective communication when emotions are running high, especially anger is a contradiction in terms. When we are angry or hurt, most of us will immediately pick up the blame game. Again, that’s normal to do so, it’s just not okay to try and communicate effectively when we are in that place.  Take a walk to cool off OR Set a day and time, in advance, with your partner to discuss what happened.  This allows both of you time to cool, to prepare mentally AND no one ever feels like they walked into an ambush.

• How things sound in our head and how they sound in reality, can be very different.  Especially when we are hurt or angry.  Speaking to one or two trusted friends or a coach/therapist can help us ratify our thinking and shift away from the blame game, BEFORE we speak without partners.

Remember, you can still advocate for your needs, and point out where your partner goes wrong… just drop the BLAME GAME and pick up the tools that actually result in effective communication AND you getting what you need! LOVE!