Jedi Training For Your New Relationship!

Happy New Year!

What’s been on my mind?  Well, how can I factor Star Wars into a blog about relationships? Of course!  

Don’t worry, I won’t clog the content with metaphor.  I will allow the art form that is the GIF, do most of the heavy Star Wars lifting.   Also, there will be no Last Jedi SPOILERS in this edition of the Love Letters, though, come on now, you really haven’t seen it yet?? Hellllllo!??!?!

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So yeah, another year and another epic Star Wars movie have just left us…  AND THIS TIME, you had someone to cuddle up with at the movie theater to watch it with, WOOT!

That’s right, watch out world… against all odds of the Empire, you swiped your way to love.  OR at least, what appears to be an almost unicorn like person, in what has been a Tatooine desert of ghosts, duds, jerks and just soooo not right for you, people.   

So there you are, watching the rebellion give rise to great hope… and whilst you are genuinely trying to enjoy every moment of it, you’re kinda’ freaking out!  A pervading voice from the dark side, keeps urgently whispering in your ear…”Don’t F@ck this up!!!!’

I get this particular brand of SOS call at least a few times a month from both men and women.  People who are just starting out in relationships and overwhelmed with the fear that they’re going to f@ck it up. That, just one small misstep will bring the dominoes of their new burgeoning love, toppling into a million broken pieces on the floor.

The good news?   Most of that is just scarcity. The fear that you are not enough to deserve this wonderful new love. And some of it is completely learn-able techniques, you simply, were never taught.

 

The Bad news? That scarcity is crawling all over you.  It’s got you like WHOA, and if you are feeding those scarcity gremlins after midnight… you will indeed participate in the demise of this new relationship.

Can you break a new thing in two?  YES.  You absolutely can.  Will it be one tiny misstep that unravels the whole thing?  NO!

Human engagement and connection (AKA Relationships) are way more multi-faceted than one little aspect, toppling it.

Here are my top three tips on what challenges can make or break a new relationship in its first toddling year.

1. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

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For some reason, we all think we should be relationship experts, that there is no margin for error for ourselves and our new partners.  When in reality, there is no formal structure for learning about relationship skills. There is No Relationships 101 course in University, and for many of us #notallofus, we didn't have very good teachers at home, either. 

We experience shame when we make communication errors and or have the expectation that we are supposed to 'get it right' every time. A relationship mind-set recipe for disappointment and disaster. 

If you hear yourself saying to yourself, your partner and any friend who will listen “They should just KNOW how” or “How can I be 30something (or 40something) and NOT know how to do relationships?!?”, I invite you now, to take a deep breath and welcome the compassion I am offering.

WE ALL MISSED THAT CLASS IN SCHOOL BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST! 

2. HEALTHY AND INSTRUCTIVE BOUNDARIES:

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How we start is how we will go on.

Many people, especially women, try to make themselves so accommodating and easy to be with at the start of a relationship because of fear based scarcity. If we do not show people from the very start how we need to be cared for and loved, we are not providing our partner and our relationship the authentic rich soil to thrive.

Good people inherently treat us, as we instruct them to.  And being clear about that early on, creates a framework for you both to succeed + stops the nostalgic "she/he was so different when we first got together' battle cry, that can really kill a relationship down the road.

3. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION!

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It's so important, I had to type it three times! 

Learning techniques to communicate our needs clearly and in a positive manner that the other party can understand is an integral part to any relationships success.  My clients are blown away at how, when they change the way they communicate their desires and needs, how differently AND abundantly their partners respond! 

All of us come with an instruction manual inside of us.  Finding it for ourselves and showing others with compassionate love, how to use that manual is a great act of love, towards ourselves and towards our partners.

Are you freaking out, worried that your lack of experience and knowledge on how to be in a happy, healthy relationship might just blow up your chances at love? 

My ‘NEW LOVE’ programs are uniquely designed to offer YOU the tools and techniques for you to start CONFIDENTLY down the road to forever love.  As an individual and/or as a couple!  Let’s start out 2018 as you mean to carry on. 

Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call, so you can get the clarity neeeded to create a tangible strategy to learn the skills to keep YOU and your new relationship THRIVING!

Looking forward to sending you more LOVE LETTERS in 2018 and helping YOU find and keep the LOVE YOU DESERVE!   xx

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The 6 Steps to Being A Better Receiver of LOVE; And why Mums struggle to find and receive love, most.

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Before we get to the HOW, we must rumble with the WHY.

One of the most common stumbling blocks for my clients, those looking for love AND those who are in relationships, is the ability to truly receive love from others.

Difficulty with receiving, is not limited solely to the women, however, by far, it effects my female clients far more often than my male clients. Of the women I coach, those who are mothers, suffer most. Struggling to receiving love, appreciation and time from others can be a massive roadblock, we must clear, in order to position them in the place to attract the right partner for them AND to give and receive love, like never before in their relationships.

So why is mostly ‘a women’s issue’?  And why in the world, are Mum’s the worst receivers?

Because, we are the best givers.

Women in general, are the not socialized nor taught to be very good receivers.  In fact, quite the opposite.  From a very young age, we begin training, to be nurturers and givers. We push our little mini pram with its dolly down the street proudly, and the praise received for being such good carers, starts young.  From as little as 3 years old, we begin to define our self-worth, by how well we care for others. OR, in this case, for dolly.  Little girls are often given the role of minder or babysitter, for their siblings, way younger than boys.  And, I meet VERY few little boys who are running their very own babysitting empire by age 13… like I was. In fact, I haven’t met or heard about a single one!  That is not to say their isn’t a 13 year old boy out there, running his very own version of The Babysitters Club however the rare exception does not negate the fact that even that famous series of books, features girls and is geared towards girls! 

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Under traditional gender roles, we are encouraged to provide for others, through acts of great service.  We cook, clean, chase children to and fro, take leading roles in selecting schools for our children, their hobbies, play dates.  I would love to type here that up until the 1950’s-1970’s we were also the sole care takers of the adult men in our lives, however I think saying ‘up till’ is pretending like that expectation is firmly in the past, and, for many, it’s not.

And the ultimate well in which we are expected and applauded for pouring all of our time, energy, spirit and even money into… is parenting.  

When I am working with single Mums, who are looking for love, the struggle is realAF.  On most days, you are indeed the sole carers for your children with little choice in taking the leading role. Often, the children, become a focal point for all our love. Here is someone who consciously, or unconsciously we have decided, won’t hurt us, abandon us or think we are anything less than Super Woman. Well, at least till their about 15, then it’s anyone’s guess what the teen version of them, will think of us.  

Even the love, we should be showing ourselves, gets bumped down the priority list, to meet their needs, wants and desires, first.  Some common battle cries I hear… “I do really want to take this course, but I’m saving to take the kids to Disney!”  OR “A weekend yoga retreat?!?! I desperately need that BUT I don’t have time or money for that! Now, piano lessons for little Susie, that I HAVE to find the money for!”

Sound vaguely familiar, dearest one?

Now let’s play this careGIVER role out in our adult relationships.

Another very common tale I hear, is of women who call me absolutely mystified when their partner or new beau has legged it.  They did EVERYTHING for them! Who was there when their mom died?? You!  Who helped them re-write their CV so they could land that dream job?? YOU!  Who encouraged, loved, cared for and GAVE to them everything a human could ask for?  YOU!   So why? WHY DID THEY LEAVE AFTER YOU DID ALL THAT!?!?

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Ready for a truth bomb? 

Deep breathes. Here it comes.  These traditional gender roles, have been messing with hetero normative relationships, and hindering their success, for millennia!  Cause guess what? We are raising our men to be providers!  The great hunters!  So when we do all the providing AND we can’t allow ourselves to receive?!?  YIKES!  Game over!  There is a deep rooted phycology that simply cannot connect in a loving relationship, if one person is doing all the giving and the other person is not being allowed OR challenged to provide.

Sorry, ladies.  I have to drop another big and painful truth bomb… to complete this picture.

When we GIVE we feel more in control. When we have to receive, we feel less in control and way more vulnerable.  BOOM.  Giving can be smoke screen we use, to incubate ourselves from being disappointed and hurt.

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NOW LET'S GET TO THE HOW!

Learning how to receive is paramount to participating in a healthy, successful relationship.  The steps to do so are simple, however not always so easy to master.

• Step 1 – We need to come to believe we are worthy to receive.

• Step 2 – We must break the association that our self-worth, (that we will only be enough), to our ability to give.  We have to feel confident, that we are still enough, whether we give or not.

• Step 3 – We need to become way more discerning about to whom, and why we give. 

• Step 4 – We have to slowly start to open up to receive.  Heck, most of can barely receive a compliment without trying to side step to shoo it away!

• Step 5 – We have to allow others to do for us.  We have to relinquish the control, that comes with giving, and lean into the courage and vulnerability it takes to receive.

• Step 6 – We need to start with us, first.  We must start caring for ourselves, and bumping SELF LOVE and SELF CARE, way up the priority list!

If you want to become a better receiver, and therefore position yourself to not just attract but keep the love you deserve, be brave, and take the above steps!

Please do engage deeply with compassion and care for yourself.  We are slowly re-educating ourselves, learning a new way to be seen and to be loved.  It won’t happen overnight, and some days will be better than others, by far.  And that’s okay. Step by step, inch by inch, we open our hearts and minds to being able to truly receive, love.

The Fallacy of the 'COOL GIRL' and why playing it cool, rarely gets the love

The Cool Girl.  She's so easy breezy, drama free, roll with the punches, always up for a good time, ride or die chick.   She is available for fun, whenever, wherever.  She doesn’t make demands on her new love interests.  She doesn’t inquire about messages that go unanswered, dates that are canceled last minute nor does she pay any mind to the fact they are still on dating apps, 3 months into seeing each other. 

The Cool Girl always has their back, and will support you through it all, whilst never expecting any acknowledgement or commitment in return. 

You need a cheer leader for that new job interview? Give me a ‘C’! 

You need a cheerleader to get over your Ex? Give me a ‘O’! 

You need a cheerleader for your sick mom?  Give me an ‘O’!

How about a cheerleader for that redundancy you didn’t see coming?  GIVE ME A ‘L’!! 

What does that spell?? COOL! COOL! COOL!

Yup. She does it ALL whilst never asking for much in return.

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The COOL GIRL never say’s I LOVE YOU, first.  She never has the big relationship ‘talk’.  She never say’s their behavior is unacceptable.  Rush? What rush? There is no rush from a cool girl!  Cause’ she is WAY TOO COOL for all that. 

She is both too cool to care and too cool to make waves, whilst simultaneously being their BFF, with so many benefits.

And that nonchalance? That uber coolness… is why people fall madly in love with her, right?

WRONG!

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We think, by playing to cool… by being a consummate bad ass support, by not challenging others to meet our needs, to love us and to show up for us, that will ‘make’ someone want to stay. HOWEVER, time and time again, that is not how that story ends. 

This is the fallacy of the Cool Girl. 

And it is most certainly, a cautionary tale!

Now, here is an all more common bed time story.  Girl does all of the above, and possibly so much more.  She blends into the walls, being all laughs and good times.  She NEVER says she want’s something serious, yet she is fulfilling all the boss ass roles of the perfect girlfriend.  She helps them through some of the toughest times in their life, she is a barrel of laughs, drinking beer with the boys, no pressure, no drama perfection… and then, THEY LEAVE.

Uh oh, the Cool Girl is a hot mess, now. 

WHY?, She laments.  I did EVERYTHING for them! I was sooooo easy, breezy, calm and collected!  I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING and I DID EVERYTHING for them!  How could they not SEE what an amazing partner I would be????

Ready for a psychology truth bomb?  Take cover!

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Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to a person, its obligates you to DO something.  Committed long term relationships, ARE WORK.  Hard work. Worthy work.

People make commitments to other people based more from obligation, then from passion. 

They feel it is the right thing to do. AND, they feel they are a better person for doing so.  They have experienced some of the ‘work’ and they have experienced some of the reward, from that work.  Psychologically, we are driven to commit, because it is being required of us to continue on the path, to attain more of what is giving us the sensory of accomplishment and appreciation.   

In hetero normative relationships, add in a healthy dose of gender socialization for, um, millennia, and you have MEN who have an overwhelming need to provide.

The Cool Girl?  She did all the providing.  She required no sense of obligation.  She never gave them the chance to do any of the work, so they never experienced the reward.  They also never truly experienced reward, accomplishment and appreciation based on that work.

PLUS, she never truly showed her cards, she was TOO COOL to express the deep emotions she felt for this persons, TO BE VULNERABLE.   When we are vulnerable, we do indeed open ourselves up to the possibility to rejection and hurt, HOWEVER it is through that very same open space, that void of need, that someone can step in, AND PROVIDE LOVE!

The reality is, the more instructive you are about what you want and need, the more clearly defined the role is for someone to actually, FILL IT!

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And don’t even get me started on how, even when we do ‘get the partner’ the devastation that follows when you do, drop the cool girl persona, and start truly showing up as you, does to a partnership.  ‘They were SO different when we first met!’ becomes a battle cry that couples have a very, VERY hard time getting out from under.

Any pennies dropping for you, dearest one?

Feel like I am telling your story?  

Are you a COOL GIRL?  How’s that been truly serving you?  

What will YOU do to drop the cool and make them WERRRK for it?

Putting the cart before the horse, in LOVE.

What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
-Tina Turner

Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?!   Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!! 

We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!


I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”

From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?” 



Ever hear that old phrase...   You can’t put the cart before the horse?  

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Well  darling,  LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart.   CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!

However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.


So how do we connect with others?  how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?

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• We connect with others through clear open communication.

• We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.

• We connect to others by listening to what they have to say. 

• We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves. 

• We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all. 

• We connect with others by asking for help.

• We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.

• We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.

There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.


The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.



A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes.  Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!

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Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?!   WHAT IF THEY DO??????  No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!

Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners. 


We blame time. Life is so busy! 

We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?

We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us.  THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!

We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!   
 

Blame, is never very helpful. 


This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy!  This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!



So, how’s that horse of yours?  I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time. 

What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?

What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?

Is 'YOUR TRUTH' killing the communication in your relationship?

This trend setter is everywhere we look these days. 

Authenticity guru’s are abound with the honor, stand and speak your truth.  Like any good thing, it’s easy to blur the lines and go overboard. As we find ourselves well into the age of social media, where now EVERY human being with access to the internet has a far-reaching platform, we see every day how people can take the ‘Speak My Truth’ mantra and start really bashing everyone over the head.  And sometimes if by doing, we do offend others deeply, and instead of making note and apologizing when challenged, the whole SPEAKING OUR TRUTH motto can even be the battle cry we use, when we bat that accountability away from us.  

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Honest, direct kind communication in a relationship is a beautiful and very necessary thing. 

HOWEVER, Honesty without compassion is brutality.

Keep it kind, kids!  AND be open to being called in by our partners when, perhaps, our truth, was cuttingly honest.

So how do we check ourselves BEFORE we open that mouth wide?

How do we discern what really NEEDS to be said? and when, and how, and to whom?? 

I have a great filter I offer to clients, that helps to mediate in their own heads, what really needs to be said and when. 

1. Does it need to be said?

2. Does it need to be said, BY ME?

3. Does it need to be said, RIGHT NOW?

4. How many times does it need saying?

If we can pause, long enough to drop our thought through this entire 4 step filter, one level at a time, we can be a lot more sure that what comes out the other side of said filter, is the truth, that needs speaking.

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Let's walk through this communication saving filter, one step at a time, together!

FILTER 1; Does it need to be said?

Let’s stand in our own truth, all by ourselves, for a minute. Does what you are about to say REALLY NEED to be said?  First check, is this life or death?  No.  Okay.  Second check, is this statement helpful or hurtful?  What if I don’t say this? What happens then?

Many, many of your truths will race on beyond this first filter. Hurrah! 

However, a handful of truly repetitive unnecessary statements, that will have not positive effect nor outcome, will die a natural beautiful death here too. HURRAH!

FILTER 2; Does it need to be said, BY ME? 

Unsolicited advice anyone??  I know, you want to encourage and help your partner succeed at the office, or at that weight loss goal, or at training for that marathon… HOWEVER, do they have a boss?  A personal trainer? A marathon training group????  IF yes, um…. Maybe it’s NOT your place to be saying it???

Ooh. This is a good one.  Will it best heard, if said, BY YOU? 

Ever been incredibly frustrated when your partner seems to take advice from someone else and run with it? Leaving you there slack jawed and angry because YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING THE SAME THING TO THEM FOR OVER A YEAR!?!  

I bet, if you give it some thought, there are things that you don’t hear as clearly when your partner says them either.  Sometimes, even positive things.  Maybe they tell you, you look great in that outfit, and you roll your eyes. An hour later at the party, and your mother in law says it, and BOOM, you’re beaming?

Oh. Ohhhhhh. Right. Got it?

FILTER #3 Does it need to be said RIGHT NOW?

Some of us, live in a bit of a state of emergency.  Whatever comes to our mind, whatever our needs are, WE FEEL WE MUST TO EXPRESS THEM, IN THAT VERY MOMENT.  Here is the problem with that urgency, we often bring up topics, that are indeed important, they have passed with flying colours through filter one and two, and then we shoot the whole conversation in the foot,  by bringing it up at exactly the wrong time and wrong place, to have a good discussion around it. 

Even for those of you, who are not incessantly and urgently truthing a constant stream, choosing the right time and right place, the most conducive environment, still may very well be where you have been going wrong.

A couple I worked with last year, came to me complaining that there was no communication. The husband, truly frustrated, stated whenever “I do bring it up, it’s NEVER the right time!  We have to talk about this stuff!” 

Turns out, when we unpicked the limiting beliefs off that statement, he was almost always bringing it up as they were getting ready for bed, on a weeknight.  And his partner was absolutely exhausted, and couldn’t even see straight, let alone talk straight. 

Together, we found them just the right time AND place, for these very essential conversations to take place and flourish, for both of them!

FILTER # 4 How many times does it need saying?

Feeling like a broken record?  Finding yourself saying “I don’t mean to nag” or “Don’t MAKE ME INTO A NAG” ? 

I get it.  Maybe if you say it over and over and over and over, they will finally HEAR you!  That, it’s a numbers game, right? I mean, one of these days, what you are asking of them, will resonate and they will jump up, exclaiming AHA and do it, right??

Yeah. How’s that working for you? 

I am going to guess, mostly, its driving YOU nuts. And the only person who seems to be wearing down under the weight of these repeated words, is YOU. 

Repetition can also be an indicator of importance. So if we over use the communication tool that is repetition, we can make it impossible for our partners to discern and prioritise what’s being asked of them.

Like any communication tool, for it to be effective, it needs to be used wisely.

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Now you have this fab filter.  You are dropping your thoughts down through it, and starting to experience great success!  Now what?  

True partnerships cannot have communication, discourse and collaboration without listening too.  LISTENING is the other half of communication. If we want the filter to work, for the communication to be effective and filled with love…  We must make sure, we are not so caught up in standing in our truth and being heard, that we stop listening!  If we are spending all of our time, thinking and mapping out responses, how we will deliver ‘our truth’, and real talking ‘our truth’ at every opportunity, we kill communication, dead.

And, that my darlings, is the very last thing any thriving partnership needs!

If you would benifit from more access to a relationship expert like me, I invite you to come join our growing community over at THE EMPOWERED LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL where I show up every day with the real time tools, inspiration and techniques everyone needs to be the very best version of them, in their partnership!