Attain THE cornerstone to LOVE

Oh my, this week’s topic applies to ALL of us. 

This week’s Love Letter is focused intently on the very cornerstone that any search for love or attempts to nurture love, rests upon. 

Our individual level of self-esteem.

photo credit; Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
 

We cannot have meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with other human beings, if we first do not have a meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with ourselves. 

Doubt, distrust, resentment, anger, fear, unclear communications, poor conflict resolution, are all typical symptons of low self-esteem.  Whilst empowerment, confidence, goodwill and yes, LOVE… need the fertile soil of high self-esteem in which to take root and grow!

Before we dive in, allow me to clarify, from the very start, some of the confusion around Self Esteem. 

Many of us think that Confidence and Self Worth (or self-esteem) are one in the same.  Let’s pull those two things apart, right now.

Confidence is our outward bravery. 

Confidence is the value we wish to show the rest of the world and what is reflected back to us. Confidence can be called upon in the moment, we can pep talk ourselves into confidence before you walk into that big meeting at the office or showing u p for the first day of a course, or before walking into social situations and event. 

WARNING. Confidence is TEMPORARY. 

That’s okay, temporary is what confidence does best.  It just means confidence has an expiration date.  That expiration date, is directly triggered by our self-esteem.

SELF-ESTEEM is our inner bravery.  

Self -Esteem (or Self-Worth) is how we truly value ourselves, for ourselves. It can also be how we believe we are valued on a universal level.  Are we deserving? Are we a good person?  Exactly how smart, funny, kind, beautiful do WE believe we are?   No one can define our self-worth, our internal value, but us. 

The more self-esteem we have, the longer and more genuine our confidence (the projection of that value) lasts.

Self-esteem is an issue that arises for every person I speak with and coach.  EVERY PERSON. Regardless of relationship status.

Photo by Jared Erondu on Unsplash

So how do we garner higher self-esteem?  The simplest answer to that is do to estimable things.  Acts of contribution, giving, care and love worthy of great respect.  

So… okay, how what exactly does THAT look like? 

When 'the patient comes' to me, complaining of, or displaying low self-esteem, the very first thing I do is check the their vitals.

I ask them, what do they do to love and care for themselves?  What estimable acts, what actions of self-love and self care is part of their DAILY practice? 

For some, the concept of self-care and self-love is alien.  For others, these concepts though familiar, have been cut away.

Sometimes, life gets hectic. Careers, relationships, dating, heartbreak, kids, aging parents, and for way too many of us, the first person to be bumped down the priority list, is US!  Acts of kindness and care for ourselves get cancelled out of the diary, put off to tomorrow or next week. 

We can’t make that yoga class this week.  No time for guided mediation, need to read this research instead. We find ourselves skipping meals;  no time for breakfast, totally forget to eat lunch or devour something fast and not so healthy at our desks.   Sleep becomes elusive. No time to see friends, too much on our mind to have a giggle.  Our hobbies, that give us such pleasure and joy, maybe next week!  Holidays, museum days, going for long walks in the countryside… they’ll have to wait too. We’re just to busy; such and such needs my attention, so and so needs my care, this and that needs to get done! It will have to wait,  I WILL HAVE TO WAIT!

We are so busy caring for others, meeting our boss's needs, our partners, our children, taking yet another call from a client, a heartbroken friend, or the school, or our parent.  We lose any regular practice of self-love. We find ourselves, our happiness and pleasure first on the sacrificial alter. 

Yes.  Caring for others, making a contribution to the world around us, both small and large are crucial estimable acts HOWEVER today, I want to challenge you... to bump yourself to to the tippy top of the priority list!

We simply cannot go out into the world, with our pitcher filled with water, pouring it out wherever we go, without making sure we are regularly filling it up again, and again.

So here is my challenge to you, if you choose to accept it, that WILL help you garner higher self esteem in just 7 days!!!

photocredit; Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Challenge Phase 1:

Make a list of at least 10 items you know are acts of self-care and self-love for you, and you alone.

Ten actions that bring you calm, happiness, wellbeing, pleasure and physical and mental health.

(this could be... yoga, reading a good book, long walk in the countryside, chocolate, spa day, running, facials, fav pod cast, coaching, time with nephews and nieces, spin class, jumping in the sea, fancy meal out, antiquing, live music, positive affirmations, therapy, lunch in the sunshine, open mic nights, and on and on and on!)

Challenge Phase 2:

Take some time here and line by line, item by item, make a numerical notation next to each item that correspond with how many times you actually participated and partook in each of these estimable acts of self care.. in the last 14 days.  

Ex. Here is my personal list.

1.     Ride my motorcycle (0)

2.     Yoga/Pilates. (1)

3.     Meditation (1)

4.     A day at the seaside (2)

5.     Dinner or coffee with friends (1)

6.     Ice cream (!!) (2)

7.     Going out for comedy/theatre (0)

8.     Getting a Massage (1)

9.     Bicycle ride (1)

10.  Getting out of the office every day (3)

Challenge Phase 3: 

Take out your calendar/diary and schedule in SOMETHING every day. 

It doesn’t have to be an hour yoga class… maybe 15 minutes on a Yoga app before bed?  It may not be 30 minutes of mediation at 7am, but instead a sleep mediation you find on youtube you use at bedtime.  It may not be dinner with friends, but scheduling in a 10 minute phone call to your bestie for a giggle. 

Intentionally CARVE out 5 minutes on one day,  20 minutes on another, 1-2 hours on a Sunday.. whatever it takes to implement even the smallest act of self care, EACH DAY.   It’s high time, you make YOU the first stop on the self esteem your, and fill that pitcher.

Maybe you don’t have a top 10!?!   Maybe you have never EVER considered yourself, your needs, your desires, your care as a priority?  Maybe you’re not even sure what makes you happy? 

WELCOME dearest one.   You're in the right place!

I challenge you to come up with a list, let your fingers to the walking on google “What is self love?”,  carve out those same blocks in your dairy with the notation ‘Find my joy!’ and “Self care’. Go out and experiment till you find your Top 10 list!

Challenge Phase 4: 

Comment below your lists!  This will also provide those who are struggling to come up with 10 self care acts with a fodder of ideas to try, so you get some points for contribution!  Oooooh!

Post how you got on with putting you towards the top of that priority list this coming week! 

Let me know how you are feeling AND how you believe this has effected your interactions and ability to contribute with and to others in your path!

I do hope you accept this 7 day Self-Esteem Challenge and boost that self esteem by engaging with some real kindness, care and joy for yourself... as it will revolutionize how you find, attract, give and receive LOVE!

How do I make a donation to a cause you believe in?

Hello, my name is Jessica Elizabeth, and I think YOU should be able to read my mind!

When working with couples or empowered individuals in relationships, I have come upon a very common sentiment, that ‘my partner should just KNOW to do this, that or the other thing!’.    

And that somehow, if we have to tell them exactly what we want, or what we need them to do, they are even worse of a failure for having to be instructed so directly.  That if they really loved us, if they really cared for us, they would just intrinsically understand, and instinctively do what’s needed, to show us we are loved.

This line of thinking is fraught with assumption and shame.  Two things that definitely do not create the environment that love needs to thrive.

There is a great American proverb, (that I will write in my best Texas drawl) 'When you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME. 

• We assume, that our partner knows how to do this whole relationship malarkey, that they were given the tools for communication, conflict resolution and the language of love is one they are fluent in. 

• We assume, that if they do not, know how to meet our needs, that equates to a lack of intent to love us.

• We shame them from a crucial aspect of human connection, the ability to ask for help.

• We shame them to side step vulnerability, to feel safe and secure enough to admit they do not have all the answers, they do not know what to do.

• We shame them into believing, as we have come to believe, that they are incapable of meeting our needs and of loving another person.

• We shame ourselves into the thinking, that we are not lovable.  That somehow, we do not invoke the overall desire in our partners to create the drive needed, to love us.

Ultimately, we position ourselves in a place where we no longer ask ourselves, how can I help the person I love, succeed, to a place of why should I help them?  And if you thought the shame and assumption was the danger zone, now we are in the center of fiery relationship hell.

Goodbye, goodwill. 

Hello shame, resentment and anger.

The act of love, is an exchange.  The best kind (and hardest to master) of exchanges is unconditional.  We offer our love without any expectation or conditions, whatsoever.  However, any exchange of love, even unconditional love, allows for clear instruction.  If the person wishes to return our love, to offer us love in return without condition of expectation of reward, we can absolutely tell them to do that in the way that would have the most impact.

Let’s step back and look at this from a place using the power of analogy.  I would like to make a donation to a cause, you believe in.  There are no strings, I would like to keep it anonymous, so in no way the monies can be attributed back to me.  I do not desire nor expect you to make a similar contribution to a cause I believe in. 

After the lady (or man) has protest enough. i.e. “how kind of you’s, really you don’t have to’s have been extolled. 

What is the very next step to further this transaction? 

For me to cut a check?  

NOPE.  Who am I cutting the check to?

For me to research on the internet, scour our social media, to figure out what ‘cause’ has the most meaning to you?  

NOPE.  What if I get it wrong?  This is a lot of money, surely you want it to go to a cause you care most about?

Would you sit back, and try endless Jedi mind tricks to get me to guess which cause you wanted the gifted money to go to?

NOPE. That just sounds silly.

In this scenario, its probably seems quite clear, that WE have to let ME know, which cause means most.  AND, if you really want to ensure I make this donation to the right place, as quickly as possible, you would probably take that extra step to send me the detailed information about where to send the check to.  Your own gratitude, would drive you to make this process as easy as possible for me to make this gift.

Why aren’t we doing the same for our partners, who are offering their contribution.  Why wouldn’t we go out of our way to let them know, how?  What acts would have the greatest benefit, which acts have the least benefit to our own happiness?

Now, what if you didn’t tell me where to send the money?  What if I never even told you I was doing this wonderful thing.  I just went ahead, saw you loved seals and made a healthy contribution to the Save the Seals charity, in your name?

Would you be angry?  Would you be resentful?  Would you huff and puff, heave and sigh, despairing to me “Why can’t you do anything right?”

Chances are, you would not. You would be happy for the seals and grateful that I had thought to do thing kind thing.  You wouldn’t think less of me.  Sure, seals wouldn’t have been your first choice, but hey, they’re cute and you do want them to be saved so…

We see the charitable monetary donation, for what it is, this purely beautiful act and one that would be best used, if we participated in helping the other person to make it. 

The love we offer our partners, and the love they attempt to offer back, should be beautiful donations.  Coins of care, love and kindness, easily and willingly placed into the bank of our relationship, to be used for good causes.   When we come from a place of goodwill for ourselves, our partners and our relationships, we do not hesitate to step up and help them do the very best they can to make that contribution count.

Curating Confidence In Dating, LIKE A BOSS.

You present such fierce confidence at work, with friends, your take charge wonder woman attitude smashes most everyday challenges with such ease and yet… when it comes to the world of love and dating, that inner rock star has gone MIA.

And, I know it’s been savage out there in the dating world lately.  You’ve gone on a zillion 1st dates or maybe haven’t even made it past the online dating message phase to get out on a date.  And with each miss, your confidence plummets a few steps further down a black hole.

I hear it all day long, ‘confidence’ is the top item on almost every woman’s TO DO list, when it comes to finding and attracting love.

Confidence is our outer bravery.  It’s how we translate the way we feel about ourselves on the inside to those around us, how we show our self-worth on our sleeve.  Unlike self-worth, we can put on confidence like an off the rack dress, fairly easy, TEMPORARILY.  And temporary is okay.  Temporary is what confidence does best.  It just means confidence has an expiration date.  That expiration date, is triggered by our real time self-esteem. 

The more self esteem (or self worth) we have on the inside, the brighter and longer our confidence shines on the outside. Think of self worth as the fuel we add to the fire we burn whenever we meet someone new.  Building up higher self worth, is absolutely possible, and a HUGE part of the work I do with my private clients, but it takes time, practice and some hard graft.  Today, we are going to zoom in and focus on CONFIDENCE.

We can indeed turn up the volume on our confidence, at will, even before we deep dive into up leveling our self esteem.

The following is a very short, and very sweet TWO STEP technique that you can start using today, in the very moments you pick up your phone to swipe away AND when you head out to that first date.

The Confidence Mantra

STEP ONE:  THE END GAME

Take a few minutes here to think about what is the best-case scenario of this interaction, whether that be in person on a date, heading out to a group outing or event where you could meet someone OR simply clicking on your online dating app. 

*WARNING*  The correct answer to this is NOT “Meet the love of my life/future partner/the one/soulmate!!!   Ease off that pressure valve, dearest one!  

When I say best case scenario for this date/message/event, what I mean is HOW CAN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES, 10 MINUTES or even THE NEXT FEW HOURS go really REALLY well?   What would be a fantastic first date?  What would it sound like? Look like? Smell like?

Maybe, that ideal first date for you, would look like…

We have a good time, laugh hard, eat some amazing food and the conversation flows nice and easy. There is a spark and the date ends with us both thinking and saying, we want to see each other again. 

Notice, it was not focused on what the other person was going to be, but instead on the time you were going to create with each other?  Focus on what #winning would like for this one interaction.

Also, there was no ‘love at first sight’ crazy talk.  We need to keep it real AND yet still positive & gorgeous. 

We do not want to walk in with super low expectations either like…

I hope he/she has a pulse. I hope I don’t want to stick them in the eye with my fork halfway through our meal…

Yup, I’ve been on those dates too, lady!

So now, let's phrase up this first step…

“We are going to laugh hard, have some yummy food, flowing convo and at the end, both of us can’t wait to see each other again!”

all photo via unpslash

STEP TWO; Show up in your Sunday best.

We want to show up, positively shining!  Whether that be on a date, via a message sent online or at a local meetup. We have so much to offer that special someone, so very much to contribute to a real loving relationship.   Tell me what you’re working with mama!

I want you to take a few minutes here to think of THREE things YOU are bringing to the table on this interaction. 

It can be ANYTHING…  your special brand of witty humor, your Star Wars nerd extraordinaire status, your incredibly kind listening skills, Open heart, Great laugh,  Fierce intellect,  Adulting like a boss, Thirst for adventure, Sharp political wit, your business saavy #bossgirl heat, and yes, even those damn fine legs you worked hard to get!  

ANY THREE THINGS YOU KNOW you have to offer.

Once you have them, let’s construct the second part of that confidence mantra so it sounds something like this…

“I am going to let THING 1, THING 2 and THING 3 shine bright tonight!  I will let them lead me like a beacon into a FAB night/date/message/event,  with this person! "

Now… tweak that shit.  Make it your own.  Your own words, your own tone.

OWN. IT.

Then… ready?

RECORD IT.

Either type it up as a note in your phone or a personal voice memo, that so you can play back whenever you need it, cause mantras are all in the repeat!  And we shall need to, REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT as often as it takes to call up the light forces of our confidence!

My private clients LOVE this one, so brave up my lovely, try this technique out and let me know how you get on!   Not only will you feel better about you, confidence is a killer at attracting others to us, like bees!   Get buzzing!

And remember the wise words of Marianne Williamson as you two step your way through creating and using this mantra, my dear!   xx

Using 'Reflective Listening' To Improve Relationship Communication

Communication is a multi faceted skill set.  We often get so caught up in improving our ‘Verbal’ communication skills, we don’t dedicate the necessary time to all the other bits that make communication successful. 
 
Perhaps the most overlooked and wayward of the communication skills these days, across our society as a whole, is LISTENING.

Why yes.  Remember LISTENING?  It’s that oh so crucial other half of Verbal communication, that if we don’t get it right… we miss out on the conversation and on connection, completely.
 
 
Today, I wanted to focus on one particular listening skill we can all easily work towards being better at, every day called REFLECTIVE LISTENING.


 
>> You know when your partner jumps in, midway through your well thought out rant and finishes your sentences for you?
 
>> When you find yourself tuning out your partner, as you retreat into your own mind to carefully mount your defense, AKA your response, to what they are saying?
 
>> Or how about when you KNOW you’re speaking plain English and yet still, what they heard and what you said, simply doesn’t match up??


 
Seeing RED yet?

I don’t blame you.  We’ve all been there.
 
This is what listening to respond looks like.  WE NEED to learn how to listen to UNDERSTAND! 
 
This is also why you keep having the same conversations over and over, and are getting nowhere but straight to the land of frustration and anger. 
 
Next stop on that train?
 
Derailment!   Cause why bother, right?   Why even go through the trouble oftalking about this anymore?  Nothing ever changes!  They aren’t really listening to you, anyways!


Using a technique called REFLECTIVE LISTENING can quickly help you become a better listener.  Reflective listening, begins with the simple act of repeating back what someone say to us, but in your own words.  This shows you didn’t just hear what the other person said, but understood it as well.

rying this skill set on.  At first, can feel a bit odd and insincere.  You may even think, this might prove more annoying than anything else.  However, when used correctly (and practice will get you there)  REFLECTIVE LISTENING is a killer way to drive conversations forward.
 
Here is a prime example of such an exchange;
 
SPEAKER 1
I get so angry when you spend so much money without telling me. We’re trying to save for a house!!!
 
SPEAKER 2
We’re working hard to save for a a house, so its really frustrating when it seems like I don’t care.
 

 
Now, TONE is really important here.  We want to use a tone that comes across as a statement, with a bit of uncertainty.  The end goal is to express ‘I think this is what you are telling me, but correct me if I’m wrong’. Your reflections don’t have to be perfect.  If the other person has to correct you, that’s actually a really good thing!  Helllllo!  Now, you are actually having a conversation based on trying to really understand one another better.  Not, oh I don’t know. Trying to prove a point, win an argument, or force someone to hear you!
 
That, my darlings, is progress from the familiar train wreck we are accustomed to, in just a few sentences exchanged.


 
Try to reflect the other persons emotions, even if it wasn’t part of the sentence they spoke. 
 
SPEAKER 1
Why do you always take this route?  There is always traffic and we are going to be late again to pick up the kids?
 
SPEAKER 2
You’re worried we will be late to pick up the kids, and I’ve chosen the route I know best, that usually has traffic.  Do you know a better route we can take?
 
Speaker 1 never mentioned being worried however it was probably implied through their tone or the look on their face.  When we acknowledge emotions, it hows we are not just listening and mimicking back their words but using our eyes to read our partners communication as well.  The understanding, just got next leveled! 



 
Sometimes our partners have a whole lot to say in one statement, filled with both essential and non essential details and story lines.  And pulling out a notebook or recording device to keep up, well that might not send the right message J
 
When we reflect back, we want to pick out the main points only.
 
SPEAKER 1
First, I woke up late, because you turned off both alarms. Then I went to get in the bathroom to get ready and nearly killed myself because the floor was soaking wet from when you took a shower, my mom called and you know how that gets me worked up, the dog peed on the floor, the kids were running around with two different shoes on, I forgot to brush my teeth, and to top it all off I get into the car and there is no gas in it BECAUSE you the last person to drive it, left me on empty!! 
 
 
SPEAKER 2
I hear you saying, you had a shitty morning and that I contributed to that by not taking the time to consider how my actions may affect you. 
 

The reality is, most of us have a handful of well grooved auto responses on hand that are continuing the unsuccessful dynamics in our relationship communications. 
 
Do you know what I say when my husband complains about the route I chose to drive?
 
“Oh, sorry… did you want to drive?!?!?!“ in my best flippant nasty tone.
 
Yup. Almost every time.  Not very reflective, huh?
 
Most humans are creatures of habit.  We wear a groove and settle there.  Sometimes habitual structure can be a good thing.  We always say ‘I love you’ when someone leaves the house or a quick kiss goodnight before rolling over, like clockwork. 

However, when the groove becomes a rut, and is causing communication to break down in our relationship, the very next thing to go is connection. 
 
Without connection, love cannot survive. 
 
 

I love to hear how you get on with introducing REFLECTIVE LISTENING into your communications in the comments here!

Resilience In Dating 101

If you have spent any time out in the wilds of dating, you already know that rejection can be a very large part of finding and attracting love.

Then again, life is full of rejection is it not?

Rejection from jobs.

Rejections from universities.

Rejections from publishers.

Rejections from credit card companies.

Rejections from bosses for promotions.

Hell, even our own bank account can offer a big old DECLINED when we were just about to brave it up for that pair of leather pants, we never thought we could rock, until just now!

Brene Brown, whom I love to bits, states in the TedTalk, that when other people dare greatly to be seen, get rejected, fail and get back up… we call it courage. In fact, Ted Talks is like the failure club. Almost every person who gets on that stage tells us their own stories of rejection and failure. 

So why are we so filled with SHAME instead of COURAGE when it comes to rejection in our dating life?

Why are we so focused on those who would not and could not SEE US and LOVE US, that we often give up, take breaks and find it soul destroying in the arena of love?

Building up some serious resilience to rejection is crucial if we are to triumph!

I have some of my tops tips (and some of my own personal memes for you to keep close) to help build up your resilience to rejection, so when that date foes badly, when they never call, or ghost you mid message.. my darling, you can rise strong each and every time!

Rejection is a blessing, in disguise;

Be philosophical about it – now you are free  to find someone who adores you, admires your loveliness and brings out the best in you.  This is not YOUR loss. You are still offering an incredible gift, YOU.  Beautiful, caring, smart, sassy, funny, incredible YOU. Grab on to the gratitude that your gift was not wasted on someone who could not or would not appreciate it! 

Hit that NEXXXT button, babes!

Thanks for rejecting me;

Consider all the reasons they were wrong for you. This helps to move on emotionally.

Write a list if it helps.

Even if that list is simply; IF they can’t have the human decency or honesty to communicate they’re not interested, (AKA ghosting!) then they’re NOT someone you want to be in a relationship with, anyways!

Sometimes we have to spend a whole lot of time, energy and thought filtering out the wrong ones.. Thankfully, they often do it for us!!  YASSS!

LIVE AND LEARN;

Sometimes we receive constructive criticism and advice which can be used to improve upon ourselves. It doesn’t mean we’re defective but it’s always a good practice to live and learn

If you have an amicable relationship with the person who rejected you, ask them why!  I strongly advise either this be a person you were friends with before the dating OR someone who offered the rejection in an adult and kind manner. 

This one requires some bravery, I know you got!

It’s too easy, to let life smack us around a bit.

That is, until we realize, this is OUR LIFE.  And though it has many things in it that we cannot control, we always have full power over what happens next.

How we respond.  To the situation, the person, place or thing… even how we respond to our feelings, is within our power.

We can love it back or hate every minute of it. We can focus on all things we have not, or on what we do have.  What we have to lose OR what we have to gain.

We can live in the solution. Or stay surrendered to the suffering.

Every minute, of every day. The choice is ours.

Today. In this minute. I CHOOSE LOVE. I CHOOSE RISING STRONG. I CHOOSE BEING SEEN AND HEARD!

What will you choose?

Are Modern Dating Trends Infiltrating Relationships, too?

Do we leave behind some of the more insidious dating trends, once we get into that sometimes elusive long term relationship?

Over the recent years, in my own dating and relationship coaching practice, I have witnessed and helped my clients overcome every new dating trend, the good, the bad and the really horrific!  

The way human beings navigate finding love, and the many pitfalls, no longer surprise me however I was unpleasantly surprised  to see these dating trends outliving their seemingly obvious expiration dates, by showing their face with the couples, I work with too! 

Knowing what I do, of human nature and how the brain easily attaches to both good and bad behaviour, I shouldn’t have been surprised.  The following is a deep dive into which dating trends are taking up more permanent residence and how they can adversely affect our romantic partnerships.

1.GHOSTING

image; Pixaby

Ghosting first came onto the scene as the way the worst kind of people cut off all contact shortly into the dating process, providing no reason or notice to the other person at all.  Steadily, ghosting became so common, it became acceptable. Even the nicest of people consider it absolutely acceptable normal dating behaviour.

Our technology, the same one that serves us so well, like apps that allow us to order food, taxi’s, dating, buy shoes, schedule doctors’ appointments all without ever speaking to another human being… is this same technology boom that allows GHOSTING to be such an easy and acceptable mode of operation in today’s dating scene. 

As a society, we have so much available to us whose sole purpose is to allow us to avoid uncomfortable situations and avoid having REAL conversations with REAL people in the REAL world.  This now very normalized dating trend, has opened more people to avoiding conflict and it is indeed carrying over into our relationships.  Don’t want to hear how you let your partner down again, by working late?  Send a text.  Don’t want to have that tough conversation about how unhappy you’ve been, face to face tonight? Send novel long wassap message!  Want to tune out from the conversation that is indeed happening, right now live?  Grab your phone and start facebooking! 

Going ghost on confrontation and conflict, is very much happening in partnerships too.

2. BREAD CRUMBING

image: Pixaby

Bread Crumbing, defined by Urban Dictionary as “the act of sending out flirtatious, but non-committal text messages (ie "breadcrumbs") in order to lure a sexual partner without expending much effort,” equates to leading someone on.

Short bursts of minimal effort in order to keep partners interested and on the line, is a new trend for those in relationships as well. How this typically plays out, is two people who are in a committed relationship, but one partner is really just waiting ‘for someone better to come along’.  By taking a hostage, their current partner, they ensure they remain cared for and will show up ‘just enough’ to keep the relationship going. But they aren’t really in it, to win it! 

However even in committed relationships, where one person is not waiting for something better to come along, a form of bread crumbing can still take place. 

We know our relationship needs work, our partner has been banging on about all the things we need to do, in order to keep the relationship alive and happy.  And we do some of the things. Well, really, we do just enough of the things to get them to shut up.  We do just enough of the things, to claim a proper defense.  To state “Look!! I did this thing!!, You can’t say I’m not trying!!”.   This form of behavior isn’t necessarily malicious.  Chances are the dynamic has become so threatening, the motivation so negative, that this person is just trying to avoid pain and discomfort.  If they were motivated by their partner positively, they would do a lot more of the things, to gain the rewards

3. SPEAKING OUR TRUTH

imagel Unsplash & Jessicaelizabethcoaching.com

This trend setter is everywhere we look these days.  Authenticity guru’s are abound with the honor and speak your truth.  Honest, direct kind communication in a relationship is a beautiful thing.  HOWEVER, Honesty without compassion is brutality. Keep it kind, kids!

I have a great filter I offer to clients, that helps to mediate in their own heads, what really needs to be said and when. 

• Does it need to be said?

• Does it need to be said, BY ME?

• Does it need to be said, RIGHT NOW?

• How many times does it need saying?

If we can pause, long enough to drop our thought through this filter, we can be more sure that what comes out the other side of said filter, is the truth, that needs speaking.

Furthermore, true partnerships cannot have communication, discourse and collaboration without listening too.  LISTENING is the other half of communication. If we are spending all of our time, thinking and mapping out responses, how we will deliver ‘our truth’, and real talking ‘our truth’ at every opportunity, we kill communication, dead.

4. NEGGING

image: pixaby

Negging is ugly. REAL ugly.  Negging, as defined by Urban Dictionary is the manipulative behaviour of men (#notallmen) by offering up low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances.

If we are in a relationship with someone who is using negging, the more relative term here is emotional abuse. It is absolutely not okay for our partners to be actively undermining out self-confidence and self-worth, to take the advantage.  In relationships, I witness both men and women equally negging each other, shredding each other’s confidence and esteem to bits in order to feel better about themselves, be ‘right’ or simply to assuage a long held resentment they have about their partner.

Any relationship expert, counselor or coach will assure you that partnership is about two people bringing out the best in one another, NOT tearing each other down. In my own relationship coaching practice, the bulk of the work done with couples and empowered individuals in relationships is unifying them back to a place of fighting the good fight for their life and dreams, shoulder to shoulder, together! 

Can you identify any of these trends in your own relationship?  What is one action you can take today, to start moving away from these trends?   Let us know in the comments!

It’s time to learn the 'not so trendy' behaviors and techniques that will last a life time of love.

How to dodge the post date FIZZLE ZONE!

Oh snap!  I’m addressing the dreaded post date ‘Fizzle Zone’ today!
 
The Feminista Seeks Love facebook group has been a buzz with this topic lately.
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My private clients are always telling me the struggle is realAF.

Lucky for them and for YOU, I have just the cure for this well known woe!
 

And here you find yourself...

The hard work and swiping has paid off, you’ve met someone, hurrah! 
 
The date was fab.. check! 
 
They looked like their profile pic (hey now, not always a given)… check! 
 
You laughed, connected and sparks flew. CH’CH’CH’ECK!!
 
BOOM!  On to date two, right??
 
Um. Not so fast, my lovely. 
 
In our modern age, and with our fulfilled amazing lives, often the first few dates can stretch out over months, not weeks!  YIKES!
 
Maybe it’s you?  Jetting off to India for a couple of weeks? Business trips to the west coast? Best friends wedding has you maid of honoring like whoa for the next two weeks!?
 
Maybe it’s them?  They have a business trip? Their mothers 50th do up North?  or some other shenanigans that have them unavailable for the next few weeks?
 
Either way, locking in those subsequent dates, is proving tricky. 

Welcome to what can very quickly become THE FIZZLE ZONE. 

image credit; Pixabay

We’ve all been there. 

Stilted messages back and forth.  Awkward salutations and ‘how are you’ snooze fest attempts to connect, then slowly AND very surely, the spark gets snuffed out and you never get out on the next date.
 
Momentum is EVERYTHING in this life... however, legit, there's just no time for another face to face meeting in the next couple of weeks! 

So how do you keep up the momentum in the interim? 



Forget the who texts who first, lady.  We are well beyond that child’s play. 

I’m about to give some REAL TALK  on exactly HOW to keep your post date message game tight AND AND AND learn more about them while the weeks pass AND AND AND have fun!!!  Um, yes, This whole dating thing?!?! It supposed to be one of the best times of your life!! 

Crazy talk, right?  Not your experience? Let’s change that, today!
 
Messages that offer value, provoke thought, trigger the memory sensors, ignite playfulness, offer eye catching visual stimulation, prompt the mind to engage and fuel the desire to continue that engagement all the while creating those all important smiles...WIN EVERY TIME!
 
The following is a fountain of tips and tricks on sending messages that not only engage someone to keep that momentum going, but attract the right person to you.  
 
Wave goodbye to the tired old “Hey you”, “Whats up” and “How are you?” messages, cause we’re about to kill them with fire!


 
**WARNING**  DO NOT Google ‘Dating message ice breakers’.  The sheer volume of WTAF, creepazoid, hot mess that is those search results can not be unseen, lady!   Good thing, I have come up with a killer list of ideas, so you can be spared that untimely google death! YIKES!
 

Ready? Away we go!

 

Hot Tip #1
KEEP IT FUN, KEEP IT LIGHT, KEEP IT VALUABLE.

image credit; Pixabay

Don’t be ‘that person’ who offers no value.

Engagement begets engagement, and RELATIONSHIPS are all about offering value to each other.  Think about it, we want someone to share our lives with;  someone who brings with them more laughter, happiness and companionship to our world.
 
We need to be able to offer that as well.  

Not sure how to translate that into messages?  No worries, I got you.  In fact, the whole wide world has an endless fountain of next level engagement and value for you!
 
HELLLLLO 2017!  We are surrounded by extreme engagement content everywhere we look!  On social media, online, websites, Youtube, Giphy.com, our own phones that take amazing pics... heck, we need look no further than our very own timelines to find incredibly engaging content to pull from!



 

Hot Tip #2

FOCUS ON WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW

What did you two connect over on that first date?  What common interests did you share? 

Was it your shared love for running? So much laughter over who was the bigger excel nerd?  A lively debate over 80’s hair metal vs 70’s glam? Did you spend 20 minutes comparing notes of your favorite foodie spots?
 
Whatever it was, these initial connections are our hefty building blocks, and build on them we shall!

IDEA 1 – Send them a pic of your lunch.  Hey, food porn is called food porn for a reason. At one of your favorite foodie spots?  Snap a pic of your lunch and send it with a note “Told you Eddies Tacos’ were the best in the city.  Play your cards right, and I might just treat you to one of these bad boys on our next date”.
 
IDEA 2 – Snap a pic of your computer screens massive excel spreadsheet, send it off with “What do you know about Excel level ninja?!?”
 
IDEA 3 – Is your favorite running store having a mega sale?  Send them a link! + “Wow, mega sale happening @ the best shop EVER for running gear!  thought of you! Let me know if you score something sweet.”

IDEA 4- Send them a youtube link of your fav Guns & Roses video "Seriously? how can you deny the legend that is Sweet Child Of Mine?"

Hot Tip #3
Zoom in on ‘THEM’

image credit;  pixabay

Start with what they already told you about themselves.  Fav TV show?  Fav Band?  Upcoming trip they are going on? 

IDEA 1 – Head over to Giphy.com and grab a hilarious Simpsons Gif (or whatever TV show was their fav) and pop it into a message. 
 
IDEA 2 – Is their fav band playing nearby this summer? Grab a link to the article about it and send it along with a note “Hey, just wanted to make sure you saw this… THEY’RE COMING TO TOWN! WOOT!” 
 

IDEA 3 – The space between dates doesn’t mean we stop learning more about them as a person. Use an icebreaker that revealslike,  "I am inviting you to my desert island… you can only bring 3 items, what will you bring "

When we listen, retain what people say about themselves and ask them to know more, we create human connection.

Hot Tip #4
Zoom in on YOU

image credit; Unsplash

Yes, fierce YOU, gorgeous!

Try these on for size;

IDEA 1 – Use that in hand multimedia.  If you are indeed away on holiday, send them an image or video of the scenery or activities. Include a playful message, like “Oh snap, now THIS is where we should go on date 2!”
 
IDEA 2 – Did you see a video online that made you C R Y with laughter today?  Send it!  “This made my CRY with laughter, had to share.  Hope it brightens your day in the same way”.
 
IDEA 3 – Icebreak that shizzle!  "Here are three things about me, one of which is a lie.  Guess which is the lie?"  It's a classic, well curated,  icebreaker AND also a cheeky, fun way to prompt engagement AND they learn more about you!

Hot Tip #5
Next level "How are you today"

image credit; Giphy.com

Its not what you ask, its how you ask it.
 
IDEA 1 = “On a scale of 1-10, 1 being Clark Kent and 10 being Superman, how’s your day going?”
 
IDEA 2 – Maybe they’re off on a course which is why they couldn’t schedule date two, send  “Hey Mr. Smarty Cute Pants, how’s the course going?”

IDEA 3- Declare a GIF war... HOW YOU DOOOOIN'?

 
My darlings, my dears, take the above… tweak them, flesh them out, make then your own and kiss that uncomfortable go nowhere fast messaging of yesteryear, GOOD BYE!


(p.s. including appropriate yet moderate emoji usage, is always encouraged!)


Any questions?  The comment section is always open!  Looking forward to hearing from you. xx

Want in on all the laughs, wisdom and community over @ the 'Feminista Seeks Love' Facebook group?  Click on over and see us!