Why the heck am I talking about TRIANGLES this week?!?!

It’s a big week here at the LOVE LETTERS.  Sit back, strap yourself down tight and take a deep cleansing breath, cause do I have some life changing, heart healing, info for you!

We are not having a geometry lesson today and yet, the topic is about TWO TRIANGLES!  Two triangles that can radically transform ALL your relationships!

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Before I push on, let me pause here for a moment to let you know that there is SO much written on this topic; loads of articles & books, courses and workshops, hundreds of hours of video, AND I’m going to break this down, quickly and hopefully quite succinctly in the space of a blog (no pressure, right??) Please view this LOVE LETTER as a possible breakthrough moment, where, after your head explodes, you run off to learn more!



In 1968 Stephen Karpman came up with a pivotal therapeutic tool called The Karpman Drama Triangle. Where did Karpman’s inspirations come from?  Oh, you know all those fairy tales, with the Damsel in Distress, the Villain and the Knight on A White Horse?  The ones that set up so many of us for disaster when it comes to love? YUP.  Stephen Karpman saw right through that story line, for the dis-empowering, limiting shenanigans it really is, too!


In the Karpman Drama Triangle, the role of Damsel is called, THE VICTIM.

The role of the Villain?  THE PERSECUTOR

And that Knight, who swoops in to save the day?  THE RESCUER.

 

First thing you need to know… The drama triangle, is a trap. 

Whether you are assuming the role of victim, persecutor or rescuer… it creates a ping ball machine effect within the points of this triangle where hope, dreams and love stay stuck, wither and die.

Though many of us have a particular role we tend to play best or most often, WE PLAY ALL THREE AND OFTEN ASSIGN ALL THREE TO OTHERS. WHEN WE ARE TRAPPED IN THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. 

AND, NO MATTER WHERE WE START OUT, WE ALL END UP IN THE SAME FINAL ROLE.

 

 


Let’s talk about the points on the DRAMA TRIANGLE…

 

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THE VICTIM – The feelings associated to this role are powerless and hopeless.  We hear ourselves saying things like, “this always happens to me”, “dating sucks”, “my partner will never change”, “all the good ones are taken”, “There is nothing I can do to make this relationship work”, “modern dating is a shit show”, “Nothing I do matters” “There is no hope for someone like me”, “I’m never going to be in a healthy relationship”, etc...



THE RESCUER – The feelings associated with this role are condescending sympathy, control, and people pleasing.  The Rescuer takes on other people’s problems, often unsolicited and usually without taking very good care of their own problems and life first.  They step in to fix/sort it for the other person.  In fact, The Rescuer’s own self-worth is usually tangled up in others needs for them to the one who helps.   This can also be roles certain people may play in our lives, like friends who have little to no good relationship experience telling us what we should do to fix our own partnership.  One of the most common phrases of a The Rescuer is “If this person did what I said, it would be fixed”.



THE PERSECUTOR – Feelings of frustration, self-righteousness, and anger accompany The Persecutor.   The Persecutor points the fingers at others, places blame often, quite vehemently for their own unhappiness.  The persecutor can also be quite partial to viciously shaming themselves.  The Persecutor says things like   “They’re wrong and I’m right!” , “They will get what’s coming to them”,  “How could I be so stupid!”, “If my partner/boss/child/friend would just stop or start this one thing, then I would be happy!” and  “ITS ALL YOUR FAULT!”


Most people have a preferred ‘Starting Gate’.  A role from the above, that over a life time, has become their default. 


 

HOWEVER, IN THE END…

WE ALL END UP THE VICTIM. 
POWERLESS, HOPELESS AND STUCK IN THE TRIANGLE

 

 

How do we break free?

Hello there, EMPOWERMENT DYNAMIC TRIANGLE!  We are so happy to see YOU!

 

 

The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) was designed by David Emerald.  There are quite a few iterations similar to this, that also work, however I find this one very concise.

In the Empowerment Triangle, the roles are replaced by the Creator, Coach, Challenger.

 

The Victim, becomes the creator. 

The Rescuer becomes the coach.

And the Persecutor becomes the challenger.


If we are in the persecutor role, instead of placing blame, we shift to THE CHALLENGER, and ask ourselves questions like, WHAT CAN I DO?   Instead of viewing others as a persecutor, we see them as a challenge to be overcome. We affirm youselves, with positive statements, I CAN DO THIS! 


We don’t engage with anger and frustration but work from a place of love and compassion… We don't belittle or shame our partners, pointing the finger.  We encourage them and ourselves to rise to the challenge!  We say to ourselves, If I do my part, they will do theirs. What can I do to make changes? How can find encouragement for myself and others?  How can I help my partner grow?



In the Empowerment Dynamic, THE COACH, doesn’t swoop in to sort it all out, but instead helps and supports that person to solve their problems, for themselves. We learn to ask ourselves and others powerful questions that bring clarity to the outcome, an clarity to the steps we need to take it make it happen. We seek out people who will not play the role of rescuer in our lives, but instead be our coach or teacher.  People who help us, help ourselves.

When we are a coach, we approach our lives with feelings of curiosity and empathy.  We ask ourselves... What can you do meet people who are more ideal for you?  Where do you think they are hanging out?  What can I learn from this rejection?  How would you feel if your partner said this to you?  Would it motivate you? Or make you feel worse about yourself?



And lastly, when we shift the other roles to that of the Challenger and The Coach.. the victim becomes THE CREATOR!   We now rises above, break free and create a life of love and happiness.
We become solution orientated.  We don't focus in on the problem, and get stuck, we take bold steps towards the outcomes we want in our lives.

We are no longer stuck.  No longer powerless.  No longer the mere victim to the whims of life on its own terms.  We are an active participant!


 

AND… drama, fear, anxiety, and hopelessness leave our relationships.

 

I hope this bite sized nugget of revolution, shakes you to your core.  I hope you run off screaming into the interwebs, and search on for more information about how to shift from Drama to Empowerment, and break that drama triangle to bits!  xx

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The Sacred Witchcraft of a Good Date, That Has Them Wanting More…

The Sacred Witchcraft of a Good Date, That Has Them Wanting More…

Top Two Techniques to creating attraction and having FUN dating!

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Can LOVE conquer ALL?

Does Love Conquer All? What is real love? It’s time we revolt against what pop culture has told us love is all about…

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The Big THREE Relationships Types; Which one do YOU think healthiest?

An interesting topic keeps arising with both my Relationship Coaching clients, the brave couples and empowered individuals who are in relationships AND my Love Coaching clients, the incredible fierce women who are out there in the wilds of the dating jungle.

 

What is a healthy relationship?

 

 

Whilst there are as many ways to flesh out the many facets and unique paths towards a ‘healthy relationship’ there are a few basic fundamental points that are universal and if we want the journey of love and partnership to thrive and be a well paved smooth road, we need to navigate the three primary relationships highways, with great care.

 

 Image credit: stephane delval  via unpslash.com

Image credit: stephane delval  via unpslash.com

One of the basic principals of coaching, for me the coach, is to never assume you know, what I know.  Confession time!  I don’t always get that right.   And over the last few weeks, it’s become apparent that this very topic is one of the ways, I’ve fallen down, as a coach.  And today, I RECTIFY THAT!  WOOT!

 

 

There are three major categories that relationships (and most people who engage with ANY kind of relationship) fall into; Independent, Co-dependent and Interdependent.

 

This is not one of those millennial races, where every one get’s a prize… there is one clear winner for the best and healthiest type of engagement in relationships. 

In today’s LOVE LETTER I am going to present the big three, and YOU, dearest one, are going to tell me, what you think is the #1 health winner.  Hop on, LET’S RIDE!

 

CO-DEPENDENT:

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Co-dependent relationships are one of the most common ailments I come across in my coaching practice. 

 

Here is the dictionary definition of CO-DEPENDANT.

Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.

 

Right now, you might be thinking OH SNAP, BEEN THERE BOUGHT THE T SHIRT!

Or you might be saying, Hey drug addiction>? Mental health?  That’s not been my relationship experience!

 

Let me  drill down on the simpler yet deeper explanation of co-dependency.

I am only okay, if you are okay.

My well being is directly influenced by your well being.

I am not sure where I end, and you begin.

 

 

Co-dependent relationships are toxic for ALL who are involved, it enables the person we are trying to fix and it stifles our own happiness and ability to self create happiness from within.

 

INDEPENDENT:

 

Dictionary definition of INDEPENDENT = Free from outside control.  Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.

 

Whilst this does affect more of my single Love Coaching clients, it’s also not uncommon with those in relationships.  Independence is not a bad thing. In fact this feminist LOVES her some independence! Hellllo free from outside control! YASSS!

HOWEVER when we are using independence to self sustain 100% because we are convinced others will disappoint us, OR we feel that no one can be relied upon to do the job and/or do it right AND/OR  in general are using independence to shield our own control issues… we lose out on allowing others to provide for us. 

Human beings often connect most meaningfully in the exchange of love and through acts of contribution.   If we are too independent to truly receive from others, we in effect make them redundant.  And most people want to feel they play an active, impactful role on others lives.  That they can contribute sustenance, whether that be emotional, mental, spiritual or even financial. 

People are generally drawn to go where they are needed most. In fact, that’s often how we define a ‘good person’.

 

INTERDEPENDENT:

 image credit: Evertone Vila via Unsplash.com

image credit: Evertone Vila via Unsplash.com

Definition = mutually dependent; depending on each other creating a framework of partnership.

My personal definition for independent?  I want AND need you in my life, but not to have a life.  

 

Interdependent relationships mean relying on each other for mutual support.  Adding to someone’s happiness, however not being the sole font for that person’s happiness. We are open to give and receive within healthy boundaries, where asked, where appropriate whilst still allowing and even expecting self-sufficiency, too. Interdependent t partnerships do not necessarily mean everything is split down the middle 50/50, but instead means that each individuals assets and limitations are valued and utilized for an overall sense of equality. 

 

You can be in an interdependent relationship where one spouse is the overall ‘bread winner’ whilst the other spouse is provides the highly valuable ( yet wildly un monetized) service of childcare.  In a healthy interdependent relationships, those roles do not have to correlate with traditional gender roles, and yet they still can, if that is what works best for your relationship. 

 

You can be in an interdependent relationship and still put concerted effort in to brightening your partners day, or booking those concert tickets you know will bring them joy but you don’t feel you HAVE to do those things in order to be liked, loved desired by your partner OR that if you don’t ‘make them happy’ they won’t BE happy.

 

 

 

I do hope the above offers you a very clear and easy to apply standard for relationships. 

 

POP QUIZ!!!

WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IS THE WINNER FOR HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP OF THE YEAR? 

And, where do you see where you have been curating, participating and harming yourself and others in your past relationship?  OR, your current one, my dear? 

 

 

Can’t wait to hear your responses in the comments!

 

 

xx

 

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You've just been GHOSTED, again... BOO!

REAL TALK ABOUT GHOSTING IN MODERN LOVE AND DATING FOR THE EMPOWERED WOMAN

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We rose from the ashes... blood and a whole lot of tears to find LOVE!

and YOU can too!

 

 Image credit; Photo by  Darius Soodmand  on  Unsplash

Image credit; Photo by Darius Soodmand on Unsplash

 

 

Let's hit the rewind button for a moment...

NYC, 2008; I found myself sitting on my Upper East Side front stoop, in tears, feeling so very left behind, and wondering what the point of it all was.

I had just got off a call, where I was informed of my exclusion from our annual friends ski trip, because it was now a 'couples thing'.   OOOOOF! Right in the stomach! 

My friends, all recently into new relationships, thought they were saving me from an awkward week of being the 7th wheel. All I felt was this absolute confirmation, that I was less than whole for being single AND that I was now firmly running way behind the pack. That they were somehow moving on, and I felt so very stuck. It hurt, and triggered something right to my core.


There I was, strong woman, super successful in my career, a great social life by most standards, living in one of the greatest cities in the world, and feeling so alone and lost. testTHATlower2, I was str8 losing the plot, on my East 87th street building stairs!


I was so far away from my hearts desire, of love and partnership, I might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy.




 

WHY COULDN'T I SEEM TO SORT THIS AREA OUT?

WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

WAS I BROKEN?!?

 

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Hitting rock bottom in dating, saved my love life.

Surrender, saved my sanity.

And a coach, turned my life, right side round.

Waving a white flag and finally asking for help in the arena of love, literally saved my sanity. It empowered me to a level of wonder womaness that I didn't know was possible, and didn't really know was missing!

My self esteem, SOARED! My Confidence BLOSSOMED! And my tolerance for BS in every area of my life, dropped as I learned how to boundary like a boss, and really have my voice heard!



 

Oh, It also netted me the most extraordinary partnership with a truly wonderful human being, who is so very worthy and able of building a life beyond my wildest dreams with!

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Darlin' It ran so much deeper than just getting on on dates.

So much deeper than all the 'drive them crazy for you' tomfoolery I was reading about online.

And it was so not about learning the secret location to the bat cave where all the good men were hiding!

It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty on some days. But that worthy work, was one of the best decisions and investments in me, I've ever made.



 


Oh, and....

 

I AM NOT ALONE!  

My clients experience this same love life revolution and
deeply personal transformation
!




So much so, they wanted to share their experience, with other women, like YOU!

Here is a quick peek at Katie's story;

 Catch Katies full testimonial under my RAVE REVIEWS

Catch Katies full testimonial under my RAVE REVIEWS

 

And the lovely superstar, Ruth! 

 Read Ruth's full testimonal under my RAVE REVIEWS

Read Ruth's full testimonal under my RAVE REVIEWS

 

I am filled with such incredible gratitude when I receive these powerful testimonials from my clients.  My heart just swells up against my rib cage with joy!   That I have been able to help them facilitate tangible change in their love lives, AND short circuited the process that took me years AND years of blood, sweat and a whole lotta tears to figure out, simply because I was so convinced, I had to figure this out all on my own!   I look back now, and I realize how crazy pants that was... and how I wouldn't and didn't hesitate to ask for help AND invest time, money and energy in my career, education, social life, heck even my travels... to get the results I wanted!   


I hate to get all bragalicious over here, however one of my superpowers??  I have the actual mileage of working with incredible women and getting them results they never knew possible.

The proof is indeed in the pudding ya'll! 




Can we real talk for a moment here?

There are a lot of folks out there who use the term 'expert' and claim they will help you attract the love of your life in 6 days (?!?!)... I'm not one to mince words, so let me boldly call BULLSH%T!   on all that snake oil shizzle!

Transforming how we seek, attract, give and receive love is truly epic and worthy work, that takes time and a whole lotta heart!


 

Both of which I have no doubt, you have in spades, dearest one!

 

Before I leave you today, I want to let you know, my Spring 2018 Private 1-2-1 Coaching Programs are almost filled to the brim, with just 3 spaces remaining!  If you are serious about revolutionizing your love life, stopping the endless going no where messaging of online dating and start getting out on to real 3d dates, with real 3d people in the real 3d world, the simple truth is, I CAN HELP! 

2018 is cruising at top speed, and if you're not getting anywhere closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your life with, let's get on the phone and have a chat!  FOR FREE!

I am offering up a my signature FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call today, so you and I can get right down to it, and start sorting it!

Let's go on a first date, lady!  BOOK YOUR CALL! 

 
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I found THE BIGGEST KEY SECRET to relationship happiness!!

And I, the relationship expert, didn’t even truly know THEN, just what an epic piece of the relationship puzzle this truly was, till THIS PAST YEAR!

 

Not me, not my partner…Neither of us had any real idea what an integral starring role this plays our very successful partnership.  And now that we do know, we can’t stop seeing WHY this is such a big deal.

 

Just last week, as my husband and I were wandering around the streets of Paris, on a quick city break…we found ourselves having this convo again about this integral element of our relationship bliss, that we had absolutely no idea during the dating and early relationship phase, was such going to prove to be such a BIGGIE secret weapon in our marital happiness!

 

This particular deep BIG OL’ core value issue comes up for many of my coaching clients, and it is, hands down, the hardest one to align and move towards reconciliation around…

 

 

What is possibly the most super crazy???   

NOBODY, NOT THE EXPERTS, NOT OTHER HAPPY COUPLES, NOT ALL THE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE MALARKEY ONLINE… NOBODY IS TALKING ENOUGH ABOUT THIS ELEMENT!!

 

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Check it out. I know that my husband isn’t a unicorn.  He’s not some mythological beast and I just happened to stumble across.  I know our marriage is not just magically easy.  It takes active work on self-awareness, compassion and communication to make ANY partnership thrive.  And our relationship, is no different.  HOWEVER, we did get off on the best possible start, in one area, by luck really!    

 

Okay, let me back track for a minute here…

Before I met Mark, I had invested in love coaching, because my dating and love life was a #hotmessexpress.  In fact, love was my ultimate Achilles heel, for years.  No matter how much improvement I saw in every other area of my life, my romantic relationships lagged behind my usual badassery,. My love life truly resembled a rescue puppy dog headed back to the shelter.

 

One of the MANY results of that coaching work, was that I was way more intentional about WHO I was choosing and WHY. 

I had a relatively firm grasp on my CORE VALUES and had TAKEN OUT just enough of the ‘love will conquer all’ aesthetic, that was so not serving me, so I could make healthy relationship choices that were both practical and loving, towards myself and others.

I had learned that CONNECTION was the fuel for LOVE.   I also learned, that living with someone day in and day out, was the real nitty gritty of what can make or break a partnership. That lasting CONNECTION was about ALIGNMENT.

 

GUESS WHAT?  Even with ALL that knowledge, there was one thing that truly was luck.  Or at the very least, I had no idea would prove to one of the most important reasons my marriage works so well.

 

A day to day, core value issue, we both had no idea was so important, and that I give thanks for every day, that we got right, without even knowing how right we needed to get it, before we said, I DO.

 

Of all the things we identified during our chats, like our high level of mutual respect, the goodwill we have for one another, and the mega trust we had built… the ONE THING that really had one of the greatest impacts on why we are able to co-habitate and build a life with one another, was the least hippy dippy, wooo wooo of all???

 

HELLLLLO, MONEY MINDSET!!

 

 image via Pixabay

image via Pixabay

 

ICK, Money?  Where is the rom-com, period drama like love in that??  

 

Here’s the deal. My husband and I have very similar outlook on money. It’s value, how to spend it, when to save it, where is the best place to put it, and what having it and not having it, means to us.  Our money mindset is not identical.  Emotionally I see money as independence and power, power to live a particular lifestyle and power to help others.  The hubba hubba, he emotionally ties money to security and stability. The means to those different emotional ends, is where we are so very aligned.

 

We rarely disagree on the monetary value of things.  We both had almost the exact number in mind when it came to putting on that quite expensive party of a wedding and no one is off sneaking around buying things and smuggling them into the house.  When I see a parade of Amazon purchases showing up on our doorstep, I don’t go running to check the bank balance.  I KNOW it's not in his nature to spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need and I too do not spend crazy money on nonsense we don't need! (For the record, I did NEED all those French moisturizers I bought in Paris!)

Our intellectual and emotional response to what money should be spent and what should be saved, are in alignment. 

 

Before we got married, we moved in together; Without too much discussion, we opened a joint checking account.  We both still had our separate checking, savings investment accounts.  When we got married, we consolidated ALL our money, aside from some retirement investments, without much deliberation or concern whatsoever.  We could only do that so easily, confidently (and freely) because we shared the same money mindset, and on that foundation, trust around money was easier to cultivate.

 

All of our individual purchases came from the very same account. Full stop.  At the time, I made well over twice as much money as he did, and never for a second was I worried he would go off  ‘spending all MY money’.  We split most things down the middle however from time to time, I gladly spent more, since I had more, without feeling any sense of injustice.  My husband, gratefully, does not tie his masculinity (or provider status) to bank balances, so he never felt threatened by our income disparity.

 

When I left my old career to pursue a coaching certification and start my business, it was all swings and round-a-bouts those first coupe of years, with who was earning and providing more money.  As a couple, there was little distress on our union, even though our overall income dropped considerably.   

I am not saying, joint accounts are THE KEY answer!  I am saying...

Looking back, we both realized that MONEY MINDSET was so crucial to our happiness levels in our life, and our marriage.

 
 image via pixabay

image via pixabay

 

Arguments over money and lifestyle associated to money is high up on the marriage killer offender list.  LIKE, WAY WAY UP THERE. 

As a Relationship Coach, who works with couples week in and week out, I can tell you that some of the most bitter resentments and seemingly insurmountable trials in many of these partnerships, is around money mindset.

 

The one thing every single one of us does EVERY DAY, even if we don’t leave the house, is breathe.. and spend money.  That light on my desk and the internet whirring silently, as I type this, are costing me money.

 

 

So what does an aligned money mindset look like?   

 

Well, firstly aligned doesn’t equate to mirrored.  Some differences in views around money can go a long way.  I can think of a few people I know, who the very last thing they need, is someone who spends money the way they do!  Either because, they would be in Las Vegas every night OR because they would save every last penny earned and never EVER go on holiday!  

HOWEVER, alignment is about two (or more) things moving in the same direction at the same time.  It’s an overall shared trajectory and understanding of what effect money has on our physical, mental and emotional well being.

 

There is no avoiding the hard truth, that in our world, money represents security.  Yet, perhaps the greatest contradiction, is that having more money doesn’t always makes different people feel the same way. 

Biggie Smalls said it best “Mo’ money Mo problems”.

 

This is why, even a couple who has ‘all the monies’ can be the couple who fights most viciously about that same money.  There is where the crux of alignment shows it’s face most clearly. 

 

THE KEY? 

It's NOT about how much or how little money there is, but our relationship and engagement with money, that matters. 

It's whether we are operating from a place of scarcity or abundance around money, and if we are behaving from possessive dependency or transparent interdependence.

 
 image via pixabay

image via pixabay

 

For those of you have yet to find your partner to be, I encourage you to dig deep about how you really FEEL about and actively associate with money.

It’s all very taboo in our society to talk about money and love together, however, please push past the messaging that this isn’t something that’s spiritual or loving or ‘done’ and start digging. 

The more clearly we choose a life partner based on our Core Values, the better chance we have at sustaining connection and love, for the long haul.   

 

 

For those of you reading this, who are in partnerships, and you are now thinking right now, ‘uh oh, we got big, BIG problems in this area’, please know that alignment is achievable, even for those who are frighteningly out of whack.

Willingness and understanding, of ourselves and our partners money mindset, is the base to which we can align ourselves to be moving in the same direction!  

 

We have to want to, and we have to be open to the idea, that our way is not the only, right way. Alignment is NOT bending others to our will!   As impossible as it may feel to you, I can guarantee that IF you proactively open yourself up to new ideas, and processes every day… in your relationship, at work, with friends, even on your holiday bookings, ALIGNMENT becomes possible!  

 

Sending you ALL the love!  xx

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