A large part of the coaching work I do with women is turning these wounds over, and curating wisdom from them. Shortening the learning curve, but not eliminating it. Cause wisdom comes from the journey and from the wounds of falling flat on our heart.
Happy New Year!
What’s been on my mind? Well, how can I factor Star Wars into a blog about relationships? Of course!
Don’t worry, I won’t clog the content with metaphor. I will allow the art form that is the GIF, do most of the heavy Star Wars lifting. Also, there will be no Last Jedi SPOILERS in this edition of the Love Letters, though, come on now, you really haven’t seen it yet?? Hellllllo!??!?!
So yeah, another year and another epic Star Wars movie have just left us… AND THIS TIME, you had someone to cuddle up with at the movie theater to watch it with, WOOT!
That’s right, watch out world… against all odds of the Empire, you swiped your way to love. OR at least, what appears to be an almost unicorn like person, in what has been a Tatooine desert of ghosts, duds, jerks and just soooo not right for you, people.
So there you are, watching the rebellion give rise to great hope… and whilst you are genuinely trying to enjoy every moment of it, you’re kinda’ freaking out! A pervading voice from the dark side, keeps urgently whispering in your ear…”Don’t F@ck this up!!!!’
I get this particular brand of SOS call at least a few times a month from both men and women. People who are just starting out in relationships and overwhelmed with the fear that they’re going to f@ck it up. That, just one small misstep will bring the dominoes of their new burgeoning love, toppling into a million broken pieces on the floor.
The good news? Most of that is just scarcity. The fear that you are not enough to deserve this wonderful new love. And some of it is completely learn-able techniques, you simply, were never taught.
The Bad news? That scarcity is crawling all over you. It’s got you like WHOA, and if you are feeding those scarcity gremlins after midnight… you will indeed participate in the demise of this new relationship.
Can you break a new thing in two? YES. You absolutely can. Will it be one tiny misstep that unravels the whole thing? NO!
Human engagement and connection (AKA Relationships) are way more multi-faceted than one little aspect, toppling it.
Here are my top three tips on what challenges can make or break a new relationship in its first toddling year.
1. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS
For some reason, we all think we should be relationship experts, that there is no margin for error for ourselves and our new partners. When in reality, there is no formal structure for learning about relationship skills. There is No Relationships 101 course in University, and for many of us #notallofus, we didn't have very good teachers at home, either.
We experience shame when we make communication errors and or have the expectation that we are supposed to 'get it right' every time. A relationship mind-set recipe for disappointment and disaster.
If you hear yourself saying to yourself, your partner and any friend who will listen “They should just KNOW how” or “How can I be 30something (or 40something) and NOT know how to do relationships?!?”, I invite you now, to take a deep breath and welcome the compassion I am offering.
WE ALL MISSED THAT CLASS IN SCHOOL BECAUSE IT DOESN’T EXIST!
2. HEALTHY AND INSTRUCTIVE BOUNDARIES:
How we start is how we will go on.
Many people, especially women, try to make themselves so accommodating and easy to be with at the start of a relationship because of fear based scarcity. If we do not show people from the very start how we need to be cared for and loved, we are not providing our partner and our relationship the authentic rich soil to thrive.
Good people inherently treat us, as we instruct them to. And being clear about that early on, creates a framework for you both to succeed + stops the nostalgic "she/he was so different when we first got together' battle cry, that can really kill a relationship down the road.
3. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION. COMMUNICATION!
It's so important, I had to type it three times!
Learning techniques to communicate our needs clearly and in a positive manner that the other party can understand is an integral part to any relationships success. My clients are blown away at how, when they change the way they communicate their desires and needs, how differently AND abundantly their partners respond!
All of us come with an instruction manual inside of us. Finding it for ourselves and showing others with compassionate love, how to use that manual is a great act of love, towards ourselves and towards our partners.
Are you freaking out, worried that your lack of experience and knowledge on how to be in a happy, healthy relationship might just blow up your chances at love?
My ‘NEW LOVE’ programs are uniquely designed to offer YOU the tools and techniques for you to start CONFIDENTLY down the road to forever love. As an individual and/or as a couple! Let’s start out 2018 as you mean to carry on.
Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call, so you can get the clarity neeeded to create a tangible strategy to learn the skills to keep YOU and your new relationship THRIVING!
Looking forward to sending you more LOVE LETTERS in 2018 and helping YOU find and keep the LOVE YOU DESERVE! xx
Before we get to the HOW, we must rumble with the WHY.
One of the most common stumbling blocks for my clients, those looking for love AND those who are in relationships, is the ability to truly receive love from others.
Difficulty with receiving, is not limited solely to the women, however, by far, it effects my female clients far more often than my male clients. Of the women I coach, those who are mothers, suffer most. Struggling to receiving love, appreciation and time from others can be a massive roadblock, we must clear, in order to position them in the place to attract the right partner for them AND to give and receive love, like never before in their relationships.
So why is mostly ‘a women’s issue’? And why in the world, are Mum’s the worst receivers?
Because, we are the best givers.
Women in general, are the not socialized nor taught to be very good receivers. In fact, quite the opposite. From a very young age, we begin training, to be nurturers and givers. We push our little mini pram with its dolly down the street proudly, and the praise received for being such good carers, starts young. From as little as 3 years old, we begin to define our self-worth, by how well we care for others. OR, in this case, for dolly. Little girls are often given the role of minder or babysitter, for their siblings, way younger than boys. And, I meet VERY few little boys who are running their very own babysitting empire by age 13… like I was. In fact, I haven’t met or heard about a single one! That is not to say their isn’t a 13 year old boy out there, running his very own version of The Babysitters Club however the rare exception does not negate the fact that even that famous series of books, features girls and is geared towards girls!
Under traditional gender roles, we are encouraged to provide for others, through acts of great service. We cook, clean, chase children to and fro, take leading roles in selecting schools for our children, their hobbies, play dates. I would love to type here that up until the 1950’s-1970’s we were also the sole care takers of the adult men in our lives, however I think saying ‘up till’ is pretending like that expectation is firmly in the past, and, for many, it’s not.
And the ultimate well in which we are expected and applauded for pouring all of our time, energy, spirit and even money into… is parenting.
When I am working with single Mums, who are looking for love, the struggle is realAF. On most days, you are indeed the sole carers for your children with little choice in taking the leading role. Often, the children, become a focal point for all our love. Here is someone who consciously, or unconsciously we have decided, won’t hurt us, abandon us or think we are anything less than Super Woman. Well, at least till their about 15, then it’s anyone’s guess what the teen version of them, will think of us.
Even the love, we should be showing ourselves, gets bumped down the priority list, to meet their needs, wants and desires, first. Some common battle cries I hear… “I do really want to take this course, but I’m saving to take the kids to Disney!” OR “A weekend yoga retreat?!?! I desperately need that BUT I don’t have time or money for that! Now, piano lessons for little Susie, that I HAVE to find the money for!”
Sound vaguely familiar, dearest one?
Now let’s play this careGIVER role out in our adult relationships.
Another very common tale I hear, is of women who call me absolutely mystified when their partner or new beau has legged it. They did EVERYTHING for them! Who was there when their mom died?? You! Who helped them re-write their CV so they could land that dream job?? YOU! Who encouraged, loved, cared for and GAVE to them everything a human could ask for? YOU! So why? WHY DID THEY LEAVE AFTER YOU DID ALL THAT!?!?
Ready for a truth bomb?
Deep breathes. Here it comes. These traditional gender roles, have been messing with hetero normative relationships, and hindering their success, for millennia! Cause guess what? We are raising our men to be providers! The great hunters! So when we do all the providing AND we can’t allow ourselves to receive?!? YIKES! Game over! There is a deep rooted phycology that simply cannot connect in a loving relationship, if one person is doing all the giving and the other person is not being allowed OR challenged to provide.
Sorry, ladies. I have to drop another big and painful truth bomb… to complete this picture.
When we GIVE we feel more in control. When we have to receive, we feel less in control and way more vulnerable. BOOM. Giving can be smoke screen we use, to incubate ourselves from being disappointed and hurt.
NOW LET'S GET TO THE HOW!
Learning how to receive is paramount to participating in a healthy, successful relationship. The steps to do so are simple, however not always so easy to master.
Step 1 – We need to come to believe we are worthy to receive.
Step 2 – We must break the association that our self-worth, (that we will only be enough), to our ability to give. We have to feel confident, that we are still enough, whether we give or not.
Step 3 – We need to become way more discerning about to whom, and why we give.
Step 4 – We have to slowly start to open up to receive. Heck, most of can barely receive a compliment without trying to side step to shoo it away!
Step 5 – We have to allow others to do for us. We have to relinquish the control, that comes with giving, and lean into the courage and vulnerability it takes to receive.
Step 6 – We need to start with us, first. We must start caring for ourselves, and bumping SELF LOVE and SELF CARE, way up the priority list!
If you want to become a better receiver, and therefore position yourself to not just attract but keep the love you deserve, be brave, and take the above steps!
Please do engage deeply with compassion and care for yourself. We are slowly re-educating ourselves, learning a new way to be seen and to be loved. It won’t happen overnight, and some days will be better than others, by far. And that’s okay. Step by step, inch by inch, we open our hearts and minds to being able to truly receive, love.
The Cool Girl. She's so easy breezy, drama free, roll with the punches, always up for a good time, ride or die chick. She is available for fun, whenever, wherever. She doesn’t make demands on her new love interests. She doesn’t inquire about messages that go unanswered, dates that are canceled last minute nor does she pay any mind to the fact they are still on dating apps, 3 months into seeing each other.
The Cool Girl always has their back, and will support you through it all, whilst never expecting any acknowledgement or commitment in return.
You need a cheer leader for that new job interview? Give me a ‘C’!
You need a cheerleader to get over your Ex? Give me a ‘O’!
You need a cheerleader for your sick mom? Give me an ‘O’!
How about a cheerleader for that redundancy you didn’t see coming? GIVE ME A ‘L’!!
What does that spell?? COOL! COOL! COOL!
Yup. She does it ALL whilst never asking for much in return.
The COOL GIRL never say’s I LOVE YOU, first. She never has the big relationship ‘talk’. She never say’s their behavior is unacceptable. Rush? What rush? There is no rush from a cool girl! Cause’ she is WAY TOO COOL for all that.
She is both too cool to care and too cool to make waves, whilst simultaneously being their BFF, with so many benefits.
And that nonchalance? That uber coolness… is why people fall madly in love with her, right?
We think, by playing to cool… by being a consummate bad ass support, by not challenging others to meet our needs, to love us and to show up for us, that will ‘make’ someone want to stay. HOWEVER, time and time again, that is not how that story ends.
This is the fallacy of the Cool Girl.
And it is most certainly, a cautionary tale!
Now, here is an all more common bed time story. Girl does all of the above, and possibly so much more. She blends into the walls, being all laughs and good times. She NEVER says she want’s something serious, yet she is fulfilling all the boss ass roles of the perfect girlfriend. She helps them through some of the toughest times in their life, she is a barrel of laughs, drinking beer with the boys, no pressure, no drama perfection… and then, THEY LEAVE.
Uh oh, the Cool Girl is a hot mess, now.
WHY?, She laments. I did EVERYTHING for them! I was sooooo easy, breezy, calm and collected! I NEVER ASKED FOR ANYTHING and I DID EVERYTHING for them! How could they not SEE what an amazing partner I would be????
Ready for a psychology truth bomb? Take cover!
Making a commitment involves dedicating yourself to a person, its obligates you to DO something. Committed long term relationships, ARE WORK. Hard work. Worthy work.
People make commitments to other people based more from obligation, then from passion.
They feel it is the right thing to do. AND, they feel they are a better person for doing so. They have experienced some of the ‘work’ and they have experienced some of the reward, from that work. Psychologically, we are driven to commit, because it is being required of us to continue on the path, to attain more of what is giving us the sensory of accomplishment and appreciation.
In hetero normative relationships, add in a healthy dose of gender socialization for, um, millennia, and you have MEN who have an overwhelming need to provide.
The Cool Girl? She did all the providing. She required no sense of obligation. She never gave them the chance to do any of the work, so they never experienced the reward. They also never truly experienced reward, accomplishment and appreciation based on that work.
PLUS, she never truly showed her cards, she was TOO COOL to express the deep emotions she felt for this persons, TO BE VULNERABLE. When we are vulnerable, we do indeed open ourselves up to the possibility to rejection and hurt, HOWEVER it is through that very same open space, that void of need, that someone can step in, AND PROVIDE LOVE!
The reality is, the more instructive you are about what you want and need, the more clearly defined the role is for someone to actually, FILL IT!
And don’t even get me started on how, even when we do ‘get the partner’ the devastation that follows when you do, drop the cool girl persona, and start truly showing up as you, does to a partnership. ‘They were SO different when we first met!’ becomes a battle cry that couples have a very, VERY hard time getting out from under.
Any pennies dropping for you, dearest one?
Feel like I am telling your story?
Are you a COOL GIRL? How’s that been truly serving you?
What will YOU do to drop the cool and make them WERRRK for it?
What's love got to do, got to do with it.
What's love but a second hand emotion.
Um, what’s a Relationship and Love Coach posting THAT lyric from Tina Turner, for?!?! Well, firstly, cause... Tina kinda got it right!!
We focus so much of our attention, time, energy, and despair into LOVE… however CONNECTION is the true key!
I hear it all the time… from my relationship coaching clients...
“The love is gone!” or “I’m not sure if I love this person anymore, or at least I’m not IN LOVE with them anymore.”
From my Love Coaching clients...
“I’ve never properly been in love!” or “What if LOVE never happens for me?”
Ever hear that old phrase... You can’t put the cart before the horse?
Well darling, LOVE is not the horse, it’s the cart. CONNECTION is the horse, and love is the amazing cart we pile an entire life’s work into, like marriage, children, homes, holidays… even in laws!
However, without connection, that cart will stop moving. And without movement, there is no growth… and without growth, LOVE WITHERS AND DIES.
So how do we connect with others? how do we feed the horse, connection, to pull the grand cart of love?
We connect with others through clear open communication.
We connect to others by inquiring about them with genuine curiosity.
We connect to others by listening to what they have to say.
We connect with others, through sharing of ourselves.
We connect with others by allowing them to see us, truly see us, warts and all.
We connect with others by asking for help.
We connect to others by making ourselves vulnerable.
We connect to others through taking the quality time, to hold eye contact.
There is a very well know, and quite fascinating a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.
A very poignant part of this study and the many spin off articles written, is that these questions have to be done, without distraction. AND, the two people must stare into each others eyes form 2-4 minutes. Two minutes, is admittedly, awwwwkward, however if you can push to 4 minutes, wowza some real magic starts to happen!
Doing the above can be super scary, when we are out and about dating. What if they don’t like me back?!?! WHAT IF THEY DO?????? No risk/vulnerability, NO REWARD, babes!
Doing the above, after being in a long term committed relationship for some years, can feel like a distant memory. Often, cause it has been a long time, since we have truly tried to connect with out partners.
We blame time. Life is so busy!
We blame them. Why should I bother, when they aren’t?!?
We blame our jobs,. Right after this project is done, THEN we can steal some time to connect, just the two of us. THEN I will focus in on meeting someone!
We blame having kids. I’m too bone tired to even think straight after chasing them around all day!
Blame, is never very helpful.
This isn’t about justice. This is about love. This isn’t about who’s right, this is about being happy! This isn’t about playing it safe… and yet, LOVE offers some of us, the safest space we have ever experienced!
So, how’s that horse of yours? I bet it’s hungry, and in need of some brave quality time.
What will you do to feed the connection in your relationship today?
What brave vulnerable acts will you do this week in your dating life?
This trend setter is everywhere we look these days.
Authenticity guru’s are abound with the honor, stand and speak your truth. Like any good thing, it’s easy to blur the lines and go overboard. As we find ourselves well into the age of social media, where now EVERY human being with access to the internet has a far-reaching platform, we see every day how people can take the ‘Speak My Truth’ mantra and start really bashing everyone over the head. And sometimes if by doing, we do offend others deeply, and instead of making note and apologizing when challenged, the whole SPEAKING OUR TRUTH motto can even be the battle cry we use, when we bat that accountability away from us.
Honest, direct kind communication in a relationship is a beautiful and very necessary thing.
HOWEVER, Honesty without compassion is brutality.
Keep it kind, kids! AND be open to being called in by our partners when, perhaps, our truth, was cuttingly honest.
So how do we check ourselves BEFORE we open that mouth wide?
How do we discern what really NEEDS to be said? and when, and how, and to whom??
I have a great filter I offer to clients, that helps to mediate in their own heads, what really needs to be said and when.
Does it need to be said?
Does it need to be said, BY ME?
Does it need to be said, RIGHT NOW?
How many times does it need saying?
If we can pause, long enough to drop our thought through this entire 4 step filter, one level at a time, we can be a lot more sure that what comes out the other side of said filter, is the truth, that needs speaking.
Let's walk through this communication saving filter, one step at a time, together!
FILTER 1; Does it need to be said?
Let’s stand in our own truth, all by ourselves, for a minute. Does what you are about to say REALLY NEED to be said? First check, is this life or death? No. Okay. Second check, is this statement helpful or hurtful? What if I don’t say this? What happens then?
Many, many of your truths will race on beyond this first filter. Hurrah!
However, a handful of truly repetitive unnecessary statements, that will have not positive effect nor outcome, will die a natural beautiful death here too. HURRAH!
FILTER 2; Does it need to be said, BY ME?
Unsolicited advice anyone?? I know, you want to encourage and help your partner succeed at the office, or at that weight loss goal, or at training for that marathon… HOWEVER, do they have a boss? A personal trainer? A marathon training group???? IF yes, um…. Maybe it’s NOT your place to be saying it???
Ooh. This is a good one. Will it best heard, if said, BY YOU?
Ever been incredibly frustrated when your partner seems to take advice from someone else and run with it? Leaving you there slack jawed and angry because YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING THE SAME THING TO THEM FOR OVER A YEAR!?!
I bet, if you give it some thought, there are things that you don’t hear as clearly when your partner says them either. Sometimes, even positive things. Maybe they tell you, you look great in that outfit, and you roll your eyes. An hour later at the party, and your mother in law says it, and BOOM, you’re beaming?
Oh. Ohhhhhh. Right. Got it?
FILTER #3 Does it need to be said RIGHT NOW?
Some of us, live in a bit of a state of emergency. Whatever comes to our mind, whatever our needs are, WE FEEL WE MUST TO EXPRESS THEM, IN THAT VERY MOMENT. Here is the problem with that urgency, we often bring up topics, that are indeed important, they have passed with flying colours through filter one and two, and then we shoot the whole conversation in the foot, by bringing it up at exactly the wrong time and wrong place, to have a good discussion around it.
Even for those of you, who are not incessantly and urgently truthing a constant stream, choosing the right time and right place, the most conducive environment, still may very well be where you have been going wrong.
A couple I worked with last year, came to me complaining that there was no communication. The husband, truly frustrated, stated whenever “I do bring it up, it’s NEVER the right time! We have to talk about this stuff!”
Turns out, when we unpicked the limiting beliefs off that statement, he was almost always bringing it up as they were getting ready for bed, on a weeknight. And his partner was absolutely exhausted, and couldn’t even see straight, let alone talk straight.
Together, we found them just the right time AND place, for these very essential conversations to take place and flourish, for both of them!
FILTER # 4 How many times does it need saying?
Feeling like a broken record? Finding yourself saying “I don’t mean to nag” or “Don’t MAKE ME INTO A NAG” ?
I get it. Maybe if you say it over and over and over and over, they will finally HEAR you! That, it’s a numbers game, right? I mean, one of these days, what you are asking of them, will resonate and they will jump up, exclaiming AHA and do it, right??
Yeah. How’s that working for you?
I am going to guess, mostly, its driving YOU nuts. And the only person who seems to be wearing down under the weight of these repeated words, is YOU.
Repetition can also be an indicator of importance. So if we over use the communication tool that is repetition, we can make it impossible for our partners to discern and prioritise what’s being asked of them.
Like any communication tool, for it to be effective, it needs to be used wisely.
Now you have this fab filter. You are dropping your thoughts down through it, and starting to experience great success! Now what?
True partnerships cannot have communication, discourse and collaboration without listening too. LISTENING is the other half of communication. If we want the filter to work, for the communication to be effective and filled with love… We must make sure, we are not so caught up in standing in our truth and being heard, that we stop listening! If we are spending all of our time, thinking and mapping out responses, how we will deliver ‘our truth’, and real talking ‘our truth’ at every opportunity, we kill communication, dead.
And, that my darlings, is the very last thing any thriving partnership needs!
If you would benifit from more access to a relationship expert like me, I invite you to come join our growing community over at THE EMPOWERED LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL where I show up every day with the real time tools, inspiration and techniques everyone needs to be the very best version of them, in their partnership!
LIVE talk given by Love Coach and Dating Expert Jessica Elizabeth Opert on the single woman finding her sensual power in love, dating and SEX!
This past week, I’ve been talking quite a bit about sex & sensuality with both my dating & relationship coaching clients. Whilst I don't define myself as a sex coach, you really can't facilitate transformation around love, dating, relationships & partnership, and not talk about S E X!
For my dating clients, the issue swirls itself around the messaging we get as women about when, how and with who, we are ‘allowed’ to have all the sex.
For my relationship coaching clients, more often than not, its about… sex?!?! UM, WHAT’S THAT?!?! Post baby(s), mid career ladder, daily responsibility and stress uptick and a healthy dollop of being years into a partnership… sex is no longer something on a weekly, or even monthly rotating schedule! YIKES!
So this week, I will be offering up TWO blogs on ONE BOLD TOPIC, that I do hope offers everyone a bit of insight, hope and clarity around, well, SEX!
PART 1; SEX FOR THOSE IN RELATIONSHIPS:
I know you’re squirming a bit reading this. It’s okay. Talking about sex, makes most people a bit uncomfortable. Yet, talk about it, we must! I tell you what, sit back and let the brash American take the lead in the convo, and you can just sit back and read, for now.
Why do we need to talk about SEX? Well, my dear, SEX is one of the SIX major components of any romantic partnership. Period. It isn’t always the MOST important for a couple however, if you are not having it, or unsatisfied in that area… addressing the elephant in the bedroom, can create an epic shift in your relationship. In order to have a well-balanced, healthy and lasting partnership, sex needs to be a nourished part of the equation.
John Gottman, of The Gottman Institute, who has been researching couples and relationships for over 30 years, states in his research and books, over and over, couples who prioritize sex vs. leave sex as the very last thing on the to do list, not only have lasting happy partnerships, they are RELATIONSHIP MASTERS.
Let me break this down to its absolute essence.
LOVE requires connection. Without connection, LOVE FADES. Connection between two people is built on many things, however TOUCH and yes, SEXUAL TOUCH is the most relevant and epic way to build and maintain connection. Whilst touch is not the ONLY way, it’s not a one over the other, deal. Thinking of connection as a series of touch stones. SHARED INTERESTS, SHARED ACTIVITIES, SHARED PHYSICAL TOUCH, to name just a few, ALL must be included in our touch stones. We can touch some stones more frequently than others; however we cannot neglect a stone for too long, without the connection faltering. When people begin to sense loss of love, and question if they still love someone… what we really need to focus in on, is the connection. Think of love, almost as a bi-product of connection. Connection is the horse. Love is the cart. And oh all the wondrous things we can pile into that cart of love!!!
One of the larger factors that stops physical touch and sex, beyond it dropping down the priority list, is a drop in our own feeling of sexiness and sensuality. Please note, this is one of the root causes for singles AND couples AND for men AND women!
I think we are often quick to assume that sexiness and sensuality are primarily feminine qualities. They are not. Or at least not in the way we think of them.
It has been proven out that one of men’s most common fears, is, they will be laughed at… in bed. Humiliation and ego are tied to this however mainly, the fear is about a loss of respect, ability and power, which we as a society, have primed men to equate with their own sexiness. There are people who do not care whatsoever if the other person is getting pleasure from sex, however those people do not typically commit to relationships, or remain in them for very long… so chances are your ability, as a man, to perform and satisfy your partner sexually, has a direct result on your own view of your sensuality.
Similarly, for many women, their sexiness and sensuality is tied directly to how they perceive themselves physically. How themselves and their partner views them and their body, during sex. No offenses fellas, but our own determination of how sexy we look actually contributes to how sexy we feel way more directly than yours. It’s why, no matter how many times you tell us, how sexy we look, it doesn’t usually effect how we feel about it ourselves
Interestingly, if we follow this trail back to its source, for both men and women, we find self-esteem staring us in the face. Our self-esteem is how we value ourselves. How we truly evaluate ourselves is primary to how others values us. Begin at the beginning, dearest one.
What are the things that YOU DO that help you feel more worthy of enjoying sex?
What are the things YOU DO that make YOU feel more sexy? Even when no one is around to see or appreciate it?
WHAT can you start DOING more of, to feel more confident, sensual… starting TODAY?
Going to the gym?
Booking in that weekend away, ALONE? To just do all the things YOU want to do?
A new suit?
A big win at work?
Creating something with your own two hands?
A journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step. Ready to take your first baby step towards reclaiming your sensuality?
If you want more access to my expert knowledge on curating and maintaining empowered relationships, please do join us in the free facebook group, THE EMPOWERED LOVE & RELATIONSHIP SCHOOL! I post actionable tips and thought provoking commentary in the group daily, and go LIVE weekly talking about topics that can help you, have the relationship you both deserve.
Yup. It’s time to talk money. How very gauche, I know!
And yet, it needs saying and doing, my dear. Recently, divorce lawyers weighed in on a country wide survey about the most common causes for divorce and separation.
Right in the top 3? FINANCES.
Spending the money. Managing the money. Agreeing on the money. It can be any couple’s nemesis.
It’s not uncommon for couples to have very different core values around money. Sometimes this is directly influenced by their own upbringing, however, people can have very similar childhood experiences with money i.e. being raised with hardly none or more than enough, and come into adulthood with widely varying mindsets around money, even if the environment was the same growing up.
And yes, it would be best to partner with someone who shares the same core values and mindset around money… however many of us either didn’t know how important this would prove down the road or simply had no idea why it was important at all, before we got into our relationships. And now. The disagreements around money are sucking the life out of us.
Ironically, having more money does not solve this disparity mindset and arguments around money. Studies have shown that couples with less money, fare better overall in challenging area, than those with a all the money.
I guess the Notorious B.I.G. was right… mo’ money mo’ problems. Indeed.
We can shift our mindset around money quite a bit, but our core values are typically only truly transformed by a life changing event, like birth and death, for example. Perhaps we have always saved every dollar/pound we’ve made, and then we experience the unexpected and swift decline of a friend due to cancer… we suddenly realize, life is too short and start to truly treat ourselves to holidays, spa trips and the like. We may have an elderly parent, facing severe economic struggles as their own health declines, and realize that if we do not temper our own values around money and start saving, that too could be us some day.
But, what do you do, if your partner is on the other side of the money mindset as you?
More in more, in our modern day, couples are separating their finances completely from one another. This can be a solution, however, more often the lack of transparency sows the seeds of distrust, that undermine real partnership. Add in the need to negotiate separate payments month on month, of shared expenses and holidays, and it only creates more opportunities to disagree. If one partner is financially more capable than the other, due to an earning difference, the 50/50 split of all things in such a separate manner is rife with limitations, discontent and resentment.
- Unpicking the core values behind your own and your partners beliefs around money can be incredibly enlightening, and open the door to empathy and respect.
- Learning how to communicate your needs and hear the needs of your partner, around finances, is also crucial.
- Compromise means we find a halfway point, a beautifully curated meeting place, where both partners get their needs met. And the money gets spent or saved, in a way that makes sense to both parties.
It's time, to talk about Ben and Jenny...
Recently, I had two lovely private coaching clients, a couple named Ben and Jenny, who really struggled around money. And by struggle, I mean fought bitterly over how to spend it. The more they made, the more incensed the arguments became. In our work together, we took some time to step outside the familiar old box of arguments, and have a good walk around.
Both Ben and Jenny had grown up in households where money was quite scarce. And yet, they had completely opposite core values in response to that early experience of finances.
For Ben, money was meant to be spent.
All his hard work, was so he didn’t have to deny himself, or his family, like he was denied as a child. Holidays, gifts, dinners out... were all rewards earned and money well spent.
For Jenny, money was meant to be saved for a VERY rainy day,.
Money tucked away for when the chips were down in life, to spent in the far off future on absolute necessities.
As we began to dig in...
Jenny realized, if it wasn’t for Ben, AND HIS CORE VALUES AROUND MONEY, she would never EVER had seen all the places around the world they had visited. She would not have allowed herself these holidays. These absolute highlights in life, she enjoyed so very much!
Ben realized, that if it wasn’t for Jenny AND HER CORE VALUES AROUND MONEY, they wouldn’t have a growing nest egg for their children’s university education. It was Jenny's core values that were allowing them to provide for their family in an incredibly high impact way.
Once we established some concrete appreciation... empathy, understanding and love could come back into the space, where finances lived, in their relationship. Once we have those three superpowers back in the ring of a relationship, ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE!
It was a powerful pivot point. One they hadn’t thought possible, before our work together.
Are you tired of bickering about money? Done with years of trying to convince your partner that your way, is THE WAY, forward, with little success? Let’s start the process of sorting it, once and for all.
I have something that could prove very VERY valuable to you. A space where you can learn and love. Recently, I started a closed Facebook group, in order to provide you with more access to the incredible knowledge and tools I have to offer, to creating the relationship you both deserve. Your exclusive invitation is right here!
Come join us in this FREE group @
The Empowered Love & Relationship School!
Boundaries; Defining them, setting them, respecting them. NONE of it was my forte!
It felt incredibly limiting. At the time, I’m not sure who I was afraid to limit, you or me. I can now say, that at the very root of that fear, was that if I told you NO… you might not like me. That IF I wasn’t everything to everybody, I wasn’t enough… good enough, worthy enough, loveable enough.
From the outset, boundaries doesn’t necessarily sound like a good thing.
1. No one wants to be told NO or be told what to do. And was I really worthy of that respect? And was I willing to pay the price of self-ownership, if that price was you not loving me?
2. And what about ME being FREE spirit, a law unto my very own?!?! Wouldn’t boundaries, force me to stay penned up in one place!
I had no evidence to back up any of these suspicions, these fears, however every inch of my mind, body and heart was feeling, that my fearful feelings were truth. When I start to blur feelings with facts, I’m usually half way down the wrong road of decision making. I know this today, as one of my personal ‘red light indicators’, like the hazard lights on a car blinking frantically into the night, that something has broken down in my thinking.
I also, wasn’t sure why I would want to keep people away.
In dating, I was having a hard enough time meeting ANYONE… the concept of narrowing what already felt like a bottle neck, was terrifying. Wouldn’t I be ‘putting Baby in the corner’??
In my relationships, the idea of laying in boundaries, felt like fencing off connection… and I desperately wanted and needed human connection.
What I was missing???
Boundaries are not about other people, boundaries are about me.
BOUNDARIES AREN’T FORTIFIED DEFENSIVE WALLS WE PUT UP TO KEEP PEOPLE OUT… BOUNDARIES ARE THE WAY WE RING FENCE OUR OWN SPACE SO WE HAVE THE ROOM TO BREATHE, GROW AND BE HAPPY!
The metaphor I use with clients, is that of owning a horse.
How many acres does your paddock have to be to have a horse? And two horses? Three or four horses? If we place two horses in a paddock sized for one… what will happen? The horses will not have enough room to exercise, enough food to sustain them, sickness will be more likely to spread from horse to horse, in such closed quarters. You will wind up with two very unhealthy, unfulfilled and unhappy horses.
Instead of thinking of boundaries as the fences that keep people way, grab on to this concept that boundaries are about creating the space YOU and YOUR partner needs to be healthy, fulfilled and happy!
When we do not create firm boundaries, and willingly kick down the paddock fences to let every Tom, Dick and Jane come on through… we compromise the respect people will have for us. If you want a relationship, and the person you just started seeing, says they do not, they prefer casual… IF you don’t hold your boundary, (ahem, in hopes that somewhere down the line, they will hopefully, possibly maybe want more) guess what? They are way more likely to NEVER want more than casual with you! Human phycology has shown us, that when we break from the structure of our offer… in love, sales, business, family… we cheapen the product by default. We subtract value from ourselves in the other person’s eyes. In order to commit and LOVE someone, truly, people have to know it’s worthy.
If someone we just started to date, wants to start calling us girlfriend or boyfriend after just a few dates, it can be very tempting to hop right on that! However, going back to the paddock, its key that you both define the term. To create a paddock that is the right size for you both to grow into a healthy relationship.
Oof, where to begin? People inherently treat us, as we instruct them to. If our instructions, our boundaries are unclear or unstable, our partners have no idea how to ‘get it right’.
If we are running around, trying to be THE BEST, wife, husband, mother, daughter, son, employee, football coach, pinterest worthy cake baker, INSTA famous interior designer, friend, lover, holiday planner, yogi, all while maintaining our place on the ‘best dressed’ list at the school runs… YIKES!
Boundaries can also look like us truly reconciling our assets and limitations, and leaning into being PERFECTLY IMPERFECT. Boundaries mean we create a paddock where WE can thrive, as well as all of our relationships too!
So, boundaries as defensive walls? NO.
Boundaries as the ring fenced space for you to thrive, with all you need to be happy healthy and free? HECK YES!
What's does your paddock look like? xx
The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire. Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction? And how does it really work?
Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
If someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience. If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience. In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situation, experiences and even, material objet into their life.
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)
A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story!
Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION. Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously. In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting! Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice! What if that was ten offers? Twenty?
Head. Officially. Done. In.
Of course, changing or mindset, being more positive has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality. Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things!
But the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’
It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.
Affirmations will not do the trick alone!
Darling %FIRSTNAME%, please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what either make the Law of Attraction actually work or not work!
For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY.
We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it. The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.
If I walk down the street, yelling JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!
I may actually attract some job offers. Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop? NO? Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA.
If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond… with a puppy! Which, I mean PUPPY (!!!OMG!!!) HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different. We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look you’re going for!
BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR. TAKE GREAT CARE…
Take great care and time, and energy, heck even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?
Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...
One of the largest proponents for LOA, is THE SECRET.
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret. Lemme tell ya why!
The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present.
Back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
Hold up. Have you even bought a lottery ticket? Oh, no? Um….
Now, how about “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now?
What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?) who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important. They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing. ACTION!
Here’s is the deal. For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING! You must take actions, risk, time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even MONEY, to attract the things you want.
Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl. Hard, worthy work!
I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS! WOMP WOMP.
However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.
If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!