They say, FOLLOW YOUR HEART, but should you?

Just Follow your heart, they say...

One of the biggest challenges we face in getting this whole love thang right, is the sheer volume of mis-matched and mix message advice floating around!

Some of the advice, simply no longer applies in our modern age of dating and love.

Some of it is steeped so deeply in patriarchy tea, you just can’t even get it down.

Some of the advice is right for us, and some of it, simply isn’t.

I wanted to take a moment to unpack one of the the most common advice tidbits, that cuts really close to my own personal bone; and how right sizing it, for who I was and where I was at, when I was single and looking for love, was so vital. 

Hold on to your floppy hat and your so on trend rose tinted oversized sunglasses, lady because THIS was truly the pivotal moment my love life started to really change for the better!

‘FOLLOW YOUR HEART’

image; Aki Tolentino / unsplash

Aw, so lovely, right?  I mean, who doesn’t want to take up the wholehearted torch that women as fierce and amazing as Dr. Brene Brown is channeling?  Everywhere we turn, we see this template of leading with the heart working so well…  in entrepreneurship, career changes, travel, family and general life trans-formative exploits from some of the most influential thought leaders of your time!

It’s really imperative, we zoom out the lens a bit here. 

To live a wholehearted life, one must have, well… a whole heart!   A heart that, though scarred, is well healed.  A heart that has done the work of reconciling past mistakes, learning the tough lessons and risen stronger than ever.  

In short.  A heart, that can be trusted!

Back in 2006, one of the hardest things I had to rumble with, was surrendering the fact my heart could NOT be trusted.

My heart was a wild, wanton crazy lady.  She cared not for reason or risk, and oh my did she the track record to prove it! 

She consistently made some really horrendous choices in love, and was so confused herself, she was speaking in tongues.

(I can’t even begin to tell you, how bad it got on the occasions my heart and vagina synched up on their quests for love, #YIKES #TITANICLEVELDISASTER #ALTERNATIVEFACTS)

Um, yeah. AT THAT TIME IN MY LIFE. we made a pretty bad team, my heart and me. She was the conductor of the train wreck that was my love life, CHOO CHOO, and I felt like I was hanging on for dear life.  And I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t living a whole hearted life where love streamed in and back out, of my every move!  

image; Muhammad Faruque / Unsplash

On the side of the train tracks, battered into loads of tiny bits was my confidence, trust, self-worth, self-love and integrity. 

The moment, I stopped letting my heart be the solo star of the show and cast my brain, my body, my reason and my spirit as equal players on the stage.  Things started to shift.

I didn’t forbid my heart from participating!  I just tuned the volume knob down a bit on her, so some of the other crucial elements of my decision-making process, could be heard too.

That’s about the time, I asked for outside help.  A put my faith, trust and money into a coach who could help me navigate, heal and become whole hearted.

I started to get some real clarity on what I really wanted in a partner and what I was going to NEED to ‘make a relationship work’.  Slowly but surely, my confidence and self-worth were not only re-built but soared to new heights.

I also faced off with my fears. 

I had no idea until then, just how much my fear of...

being alone.

getting it wrong.

not being perfect

being rejected

being made to look a fool

making the wrong choice

and that there wasn’t enough love out there for me to get my share…

WAS RUNNING MY LOVE LIFE!  

Mama needed a new outlook, badly.

image; James Garcia / Unsplash

And I needed to take charge of love, with my WHOLE self, like I was doing in every other area of my life. 

Once the heart was tamed, healed, loved by me and no longer speaking in jibberish…  WOW, she was my biggest most trustworthy advocate

Is your heart, helping or hurting your search for love?

How she answered the call of happiness and her marriage...

Last September, l I received a call from a woman who was truly at her wits end in her relationship.

photo credit; pixaby

Something had changed, a shift had occurred earlier in the year and she no longer seemed to be able to make her partner happy. The tension in the partnership was escalating and she was beginning to question, if she even loved her husband anymore.

I asked her, if there were any major events that happened in the last year?  Births? Death? Marriage? Job loss or gain? 

She confided to me, her partner’s father had died in January and she suspected he was in depression however she couldn’t seem to break through to him and help.

She proceeded to list of TWENTY different very creative, furtive endeavors, ideas and failed attempts, to make her partner happy. To reach him through the fog of grief and depression that seemed to have consumed him, since his father’s passing. 

I asked her if she was a grief counsellor? 

NO, she replied.

I asked her if she was a therapist, trained to diagnosis and treat depression?

NO, she replied.

I asked if her husband had sought any professional help since his father’s death?

NO, he’s not willing to go, she said.

I asked her what she did on a weekly basis to that brought her, and her alone, happiness?

I got mostly silence and then she stuttered, teary eyed…  “I, I, I don’t know.”

I asked her why, without any qualifications or training was she taking on the responsibility to treat her partner’s possible depression?

She said “It’s my job to make him happy!!!”

 

No, it’s not.  AND, even if it was, it’s impossible role to fill.

We are not responsible to ‘make’ others happy.   I am not saying that, with our words and actions, we cannot bring more happiness to our relationships OR, the opposite, bring more UNhappiness to a relationship, but we are never EVER solely in control of someone else’s happiness. Nor or they EVER solely responsible for ours, either.

photo credit; Pixaby

Someone gave me a fridge magnet, many years ago, that said...

“When we think about how hard it is to change ourselves, we can see clearly how little chance we have of changing others”. 

For a bit of a control freak like me, that fridge magnet kicked me in the stomach every time I went for milk in the morning.

In the work that followed with this client.  We got to the core of some very co-dependent mind-sets she had been carrying around her entire life. Her own mother had been an alcoholic, and she had to take over as the carer in the family, for not just her siblings but her mother as well on most days.  Her upbringing had instilled the legacy that, it was her ‘job’ to make everyone else around her okay.

AND that IF she accomplished that, only then she could be happy.

It took a few sessions, however once she came to believe that if she let go of the reigns, her self appointed position as bringer of happiness to others, we could focus on her own self worth, confidence and ability to give and receive love in a healthy, balanced way. 

We started from a place of, if we are not filled with happiness ourselves, what could we possibly offer it to someone else?

photo credit; Pixaby

We changed how she communicated with her husband. The reality was, he did need help, but he didn’t want it and couldn’t hear it from her.  With every verbal push she gave to get closer, he receded back into the darkness that much more.  She was offering help, desperately attempting to make him happy again, which on the surface sounds like what a partner should do… however, it felt more like adding to his burden then relinquishing it. 

About 45 days into our work together, we succeeded in that shift. And the earth moved in her relationship.

Her husband, asked her what had changed? He also, decided he wanted to come to a session too!  That session turned into them completing the program together.  It also resulted in, HIM, taking the steps to seek grief counseling and therapy.  BOOM!

I am happy to report, that these two clients are happier individually and as a couple, then they have been in the last 10 YEARS!

photo credit; Pixaby

More often than not, its in the midst of doing what we believe is the right thing, that we are causing the most damage in the dynamic.

We just can’t see it, alone. We just can’t change it, alone.  And our partners, alone, are not always the best team mates in facilitating change, cause they are cemented into their own roles too!

Please know; YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

I've got you.

9 Things Couples' Therapists Want You To Know About Marriage & Kids

First it was a team of TWO... and then BOOM! A team of three, four, five...

Starting a family, and the incomprehensible joy children can bring to our lives is an epic pivot point in a couples life.  I mean, once you get past the absolute terror of those first days (or months) of each of you doing your very best to keep them alive... AND once you learn first hand just how little sleep a human needs to function, of course!  

The moment comes for us all, the welcomed exhale as they begin to endlessly entertain us with their antics and the awe inspiring 'firsts' as they experience the world.  It's magic!

HOWEVER, many MANY couples struggle to maintain the well being and health of the original'Team of TWO'. Both individually and as a couple.  Time becomes sand, that not just slips but spills furtively from our hands, and all too often, a couple becomes two separate islands with an ocean between them. 

Date night? Sex? Quiet conversation over a candle lit dinner?  AHAHAHAHA What's that?  

One of the greatest gifts we can offer for a child's development and future emotional maturity is a love filled home.  Love that flows freely, not just to them, but between the parents too. 

The very hip folks over @ Romper.com, get it!  Romper 'chronicles that crazy adventure — its highs and its lows — in a way that’s smart, honest, helpful, and above all, fun. Raising another human is no joke, but it’s often hilarious.'   

They did us all a great service by providing this fantastic article to help YOU out with everything I just spoke about!  HURRAH! 

romper.com

It was an honour to contribute as an relationship expert on this article, and hope you find my tips, along with some other experts, super helpful as you navigate partnership and parenting!

READ THE ARTICLEHERE https://www.romper.com/p/9-things-couples-therapists-want-you-to-know-about-marriage-kids-45082

 

What's not working for you?  Where is the STRUGGLE so very real as you try to be the best parent and partner?  xx

Commonly Misunderstood Dating Signs; hear it from the experts!

Recently I was lucky to be asked to weigh in, as a love and relationship expert, by one of the online dating giants ZOOSK. 

In this article, myself and other experts, hash out what can be the absolute shit show that can be deciphering dating signal hieroglyphics today!  

Check out the whole article here.  https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/relationship-advice/commonly-misunderstood-dating-signs/

Have you ever found yourself mystified by the whole 'Does he/she like me?' question?  Have any good stories to tell?  Share with us in the comments below!  xx

So... who's your bad ass wing WOMan?

“Empowered women, empower women”

 
It’s my personal battle cry, in life.
 
AND, the time worn advice, of having a wing woman, a trusted fab girlfriend to hit the town with, still works.

However, it can be really easy to get it wrong.  And a night out with the girls can become the very last environment to meet someone new, let alone with the potential to become that elusive love of our lives.

Here are a few tips to negotiating the Sex In The Cityesque coup,  of having the perfect wingwoman.
 
 
Wait a minute… How about we actually use those timeless fabulous ladies of Sex In The City to break this one down!?!   Oooooh, yes please!
 

Here they are, at the beloved train wreck beginnings of finding love in NYC!

Four women, living in one of the greatest cities of the world, (who of course, cause this is make believe TV land could afford great apartments and a killer shoe collection well beyond their means, but I digress) who navigated all the ups and downs possible in their searches for love.
 
What made them a killer team?  Each one was uniquely ‘killing it’ in their own right, career wise and personality wise.
 
From uninhibited Samantha, who seized every day (and every sexual encounter) like it was her last…
 
To Charlotte, the girl next door who never ever stopped believing in the fairytale.. 
 
To Miranda the smart, cynical realist kicking ass in her career and unwilling to settle in love.. 
 
To our beloved Carrie, who couldn’t make heads nor tales of dating but wasn’t afraid to admit it every week in her column.
 
These women, took on the meanest, leanest concrete jungle of love together, and won!
 
They also, never stopped being incredibly real with each other, which always makes for the best kind of friend to have.
 
But which one makes the best wing woman for you?


 

Miranda;

image credit; GIPHY

Witty, take no shit, Miranda. If you’re acting a fool, Miranda will tell you, loud and clear. We love AND need that. However, Miranda’s don’t always make the best wing women for a night on the town where finding love is the on the menu. Miranda came to spend some really precious time from her busy demanding career to be with her girls. She will not appreciate you spending half the night talking to that cutie who is whispering all the right ‘smash the patriarchy’ sweet things in your ear. Miranda doesn’t necessarily live her life by the ‘see what happens, go with the flow’ rules.  

Miranda’s CAN make a great wing Woman, however, she needs to know the deal up front, crystal clear. Don’t tell her it’s a girls night out to spend quality time… tell her, you need her to go with you to this networking ‘do’ where some like-minded potential partners hang out, cause you want to meet new people and are feeling a bit too nervous to go it alone. If she knows the score, she will be epic support. Bait and switch her with a ‘girls night out’, and she will NOT be having it, and her energy will rain all over your parade that night

Samantha;

image creit; GIPHY.com

Sexy, swing from the rafters, fun Samantha. She appears to be the perfect, high energy, ‘let’s do this’ wingWOman… however, Samantha brings her own special brand of crazy to a night out. Samantha’s have the charisma milkshake to bring all the people to the yard AND she is down for whatever, wherever, which is a huge plus in going out on the town. Samantha’s also can get lost in their own wants and needs, she is a bit of a magpie for all the shiny bits.

If you want a solid night of sisterly support, Samantha has the potential to bail on you in the first five minutes when something sparkly catch’s her eye.  She can interrupt a really great convo you might be having with someone, asking to head out to the next party.  Samantha’s can overtake the conversation with her own heady radiance and if she finds something or someone she likes POOF, she’s gone.

Samantha just needs a firm reminder of the ground rules too and to be carefully selected for the event, itself. She operates best in the wilder party atmosphere OR something more regimented but quirky that requires her special inhibition to boost your own, like tango classes!

Charlotte;

photo credit; GIPHY

Sweet, always there for us, glitter eyed Charlotte. Feeling like giving up on love? Been ghosted for the one thousand and eight time? Call Charlotte. She’ll lift you up to the sky with her never-ending positivity and belief in love. We all need a Charlotte in our life.

Need a partner in crime for a gallery opening? A business minded networking event? A yoga retreat? Out and about, and the negative gremlins are saying, ‘don’t even bother to go over there and talk to him’? Charlotte! Charlotte! Charlotte! 

Want to hit a dance all night party? A burlesque show? An alternative underground scene event? Um, nope. NOT Charlotte! She will spend most the night, dying to leave and bringing you down a bit with her. 

The best thing about Charlotte's, is they're always in wingWOMan mode, tripping the love fantastic!

Carrie;

credit; GIPHY.com

Funny, sassy, fashionista Carrie!  You need the real talk? Carrie’s got it, too! 

You need someone with a flexible enough personality (and wardrobe) to transcend the warehouse party or a trendy restaurant opening? Carrie! 

You want to try a personal development seminar, a co-ed bootcamp in the park or suited and booted business function? Carrie? Not so much.  

But here's the deal. Carrie, knows exactly what a jungle it is out there and Carrie knows exactly why this is so important to you. She’s the friend who reminds you most of you. She get’s you like no one else.  Also, Carrie is that friend that provides the relationship savvy to not just keeps the girl crew together but she actually has real experience in and out of relationships.  

Carrie has the track record of success and some pretty spectacular failures in love, which is GOLD DUST!

Having the self esteem to power out on a night solo is great however, HAVING FUN WHILST LOOKING FOR LOVE (oh yes, that's right... this is supposed to be FUN!)  may require some serious grrl powered back up!  Choose your wingWOMen wisely, lovelies! 

'Should' is the scouting party of shame...

Woven tightly into the more complicated colorful fabric of communication is an all too common thread, called SHOULD.
 
 ‘SHOULD’, is the scout party SHAME sends out to see if they’re any vacancies in your mind and heart.

SHOULD’ is one my very own red light indicator words; when I hear it, I know what’s up, and I know if I don’t ride out to meet that scouting party with a firm show of force, SHAME is coming for a pillage fest.
 
When we self-talk with ‘should’, its incredibly harmful to our own self-worth.
 
When we start thinking, saying and believing what other people SHOULD be doing, we are also priming our relationships for trouble.
 
 
Where this comes up most often with the clients I work with, who are struggling to communicate AND to get their needs met in their partnerships, itsounds a little like this…
 
I shouldn’t have to tell them; they SHOULD just know!
 
He/She should already know this is important to me.
 
He/She should just do this, without being asked or told!
 
This should just be common sense!
 
 
An of the above statements, ringing any memory bells, for you?

 
No one is a mind reader.  Even that mind reading act you saw in Vegas that time, was not real.
 
When we use the above terms, when we allow ourselves to think this way, we are positioning ourselves in a place of immobility and non-compassion.  We become quite stoic in our unwillingness to aid our partners, we have no interest in ‘making things easy’ for them, in actively setting our partners up, to succeed.
 
Somewhere along the line, we nominated our self as the test facilitator, and we are not running any prep sessions, so you better figure this out or get a failing mark.
 

And when our partners do get it wrong, there is, for some of us, somewhere nestled deep inside, a pleasure button that is gleefully satisfied.

Shaming other people, consciously or unconsciously, has a dangerous feel good element to it.  

Think about it.  When we see or have experienced other people putting us down, we know that, really... they don’t feel good about themselves. People do indeed, get a short burst of comparative based self worth. Issue is, it’s not real self worth, its not sustainable, and we tend to feel even worse about ourselves shortly thereafter.
 
 
Are you taking a position of making things harder for your partner? Or making things easier for them?  
 
Are you setting them up to succeed? Or fail? 

 
You know what else shame loves?  Failure.  Mistakes.  Missteps.

When we are dogged by shame, loving someone in the best way we know how, becomes almost impossible.


 

The enemy of shame, is empathy.

 
You want to kill shame with fire?  Unleash empathy on it’s ass.

 
If we're not creating an atmosphere of compassion and helpfulness, our partners success rate drops drastically.  And when they get it wrong, yet again.  Oh why hello, SHAME. 


  

Thankfully, this particularly frustrating problem clients in relationships come to me with, is one of the easiest for me, to offer a solution. 

 
Drop the 'SHOULDS' from your vocabulary. 

Once you get some mindfulness around these bad boys, you will here a loud DING every time you say or think 'should'. Kick the ‘shoulds’ to the curb.


 
ENGAGE EMPATHY.Push your boat out a little further, by carefully considering some of these questions, too.
 
-Do you always ‘get it right’?

 
-Have there been times, when after months (or years) of doing something for your partner, they let you know that actually, they don’t even like that thing?  Were you not annoyed that they didn’t guide you sooner?

 
-When you self talk with ‘shoulds’ and open the door to shame, are you able to be and give your best in that shame ridden state?
 

- Ask yourself, Am I being helpful or am I making it harder for my partner to ‘get it right’ and meet my needs?

 
In short, my dear, so what if the schmuck needs a map?!? Who doesn’t some days in this topsy turvy world? 

Dearest one, this is your partner, the person who you have chosen to team up with, in the game of life.

What kind of team mate do you want?  What kind of team mate does your partner need?
 
Fight the good fight, against the world, for your dream life TOGETHER… not against each other!
 

Hello? Can you hear me? Is Technology A Relationship Crusher?

Hello?? Can you hear me? I’ve been wondering… why the heck you won’t put down your phone and LISTEN TO ME?!?!?

Ever been in that conversation?  You’re talking about something important, or nothing interesting at all, and your partner is glued to their phone/ipad/laptop/netlfix/iphone/fitbit???

Pssst, come here. Can I make a top secret relationship coach admission to you?  I’m the one in my partnership busy facebooking as if it’s life itself, while my partner is talking! 

I have even heard myself say, in my best teenage angst voice, ‘WHHHHHHHAATTT? I’m busy here!!!’

Hi there, my name is Jessica Elizabeth, and apparently, I’m a newsfeed update addict!  YIKES!

Yup. I do it too.  We all do.  Everywhere we turn the soft glow of our screens, sing it’s siren song.

In my defense, (or at least the one I offer up to my partner) I’m perfectly capable of doing two things at once!  Yeah!  Except, the evidence seems to prove, I miss at least 50% of what he is saying to me.  Womp. Womp.

And. My partner hates it. He really, really, hates it.

Whenever we opt out of real conversation AND eye contact with your partner, our connection suffers. We are no longer being present and available to engagement , and love.  I have heard some pretty disturbing quotes from partners on the other end of this tech obsession; and the overarching, repetitive message “WHAT’S HAPPENING ON [social media, email, television, the internet] IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ME!”.  

Sounds dramatic. But OUR actions are indeed sending that very clear message. 

Do you need a tech detox in your relationship?  Take the test and find out!

Here is a fun way to score yourself on just how well you might be doing AND/OR just how much technology you might need to put down in order to connect with your partner.

CATEGORIES;

Bedroom Tech           Dinner Tech             Tech 2 Tune out                     

Hi Pat, I’ll take ‘Bedroom Tech’ for 300 please!

Bedroom Tech, for 300;

Television in the bedroom?  Oh come on, this culprit has been around for years. Television in the bedroom is responsible for more missed conversations AND sex opportunities since 1988.

Do you have a TV in the bedroom? (add 50 points) 

Are you watching it till you are ready to sleep? (+100 points) 

Are you and your partner at least cuddling watching it TOGETHER as an act of some ‘end of day respite’ solidarity? ( deduct 100 points from total score)

Quick Fix = If you are still rocking that 80’s look, it’s time to dump it.  Or at the very least put in a no TV for the last 30 minutes before lights out.  Create some space for a bit of couple time.  Catch up, cuddle, or hey, maybe even light a candle or two….     

Social media before bed? Oh yes indeed,  I went there.  Are you on your phone or tablet liking, loving, emojing and commenting till the very last moment, before turning over and calling it a night? 

Not only have scientific studies shown over and over that the light of our screens is extremely detrimental to our sleep patterns, it sure isn’t good on the relationship either.  Oh, I know, your bedroom at the end of the night, once the kids are all tucked away, is your ONLY chance to be alone and catch up on these things. You are not alone, doll.  Your partner needs some attention and so do you.  + I saw you posted, like, 10 times today!  Busted. 

Are you tweeting, FBing, instagramming till the lights go out? (+100 points) 

Are you doing it even after the lights go out? (+ 50 points)

Quick Fix = set up all your chargers out of the bedroom or across the room, this way it’s not there next to your bedside, singing its sweet siren song of pings and beeping news feed alerts.  

DINNER TECH, for 300;

I’ll have a steak, medium rare w/ social media sauce + some work emails on the side please.

I see pics posted every day on instagram, facebook, etc... where groups of friends are out to dinner, and everyone is glued to their phone instead of talking.  And we have all seen couples out at dinner, not talking to each other, but instead on their phones swiping, messaging….

Dinner out with your partner, is a wonderful time to have the fun chats. What I mean by that, public places are never the best venue for deep conversations laced with all that needs to change in your relationship.  HOWEVER they are amazing opportunities to talk about what films you want to go see and why, what happened during your day, share a political rant and generally unplug from it all, just the two of you. 

If it’s more than the two of you, i.e. family dinners, with every moment you shoot off that next email, or escape into the virtual reality that is Instagram… you lose. We can’t rewind time; be present, engage and enjoy those dinners, one day those cute kids might well be sullen teenagers complete with one word grunted answers.  Make it last.

Are you ‘that couple’ who spends more than 30% of dinner using your phone? (Add 300 points)

 

Quick fix = A baby step, set a time limit of 10 minutes to catch up on what you need to on all things interwebs, when you first sit down.  Epic step, silence your phone, and keep  it off the table and stored away on in your pocket or bag. If you can’t see it or hear it, you won’t be tempted to pick it up.  

Tech 2 Tune Out, for 300;

This category is for those of us who actively utilize our phones as an escape mechanism. 

If we feel a bit socially awkward at an event, if the conversation with our partner shifts to a topic we are not comfortable with, if we are so stressed out in general… our phones have become our doorway to somewhere else, fast. Not sure if you are that guy/gal?  Practice some mindfulness over the next week and take note of how often, when and why you pull out your phone when with other people.

If you are doing this when the tough topics come up between you and your partner as an act of avoidance or disengagement… I probably don’t have to tell you, that by doing that, your partner is only getting more frustrated and angry, which means the tension level you seek to avoid... is just building as a result.  It’s also high time you got real with why these conversations are triggering you to find an escape route.

Do you us technology to TUNE OUT?   (Add 300 points)

 

Quick fix – Resist, resist, resist.  This detox is going to hit you in all the feels but it’s so necessary. If you find yourself picking it up, put it back down, fast.  One client of mine, silently repeats to herself “Tune in, be present” as a mantra to get her through it. Find a phrase/mantra you can use to curb the cravings, and ditch this particular social crutch.  

So, in this game, the highest score… makes you the biggest connection loser. DOH!  

How did you score? 

Where can you tweak your tech use to create more space, time and connection with your partner and improve your relationships, starting today?

The first week of any detox is the hardest, stay strong… YOU CAN DO IT!