Oh shit. They’re cute & coming over here, RUN!!!!

“I can’t just walk up to people and start chatting them up, I get all flustered and tongue tied!”

         “I don’t know how to talk to people I fancy.”

                  “The moment I know they’re interested, I run in the other direction.”

                                "I don’t know what to say or where to even begin.”

Sound familiar?

You’re not alone.   It’s one of the more common problems clients come to me for help.

Is it low confidence? Poor self-esteem? OR just old fashioned lack of charisma?

ALL THE ABOVE, DOLL.

 

Want TWO quick tools, you can start using today, that nails all three???

Who wouldn’t, right?

Charisma is how people are drawn to engage with others. It is not about being the loudest cheekiest person in the room. Charisma is not an arena only for the extroverted!  Introverts as well, can attract others to them, like bees to honey, too! 

 

Confidence is our outward bravery. It’s what we show the rest of the world.  Being brave enough to take up that bit more space in a room and to be unafraid to shine brighter.  It’s temporary, but don’t let that word freak you out, temporary is what confidence does best, it just means it has an expiration date.

 

Self Esteem, is our inward bravery.  What we know to be the truth about ourselves, our value, as measured by us and no one else.  It must come from within.  Ya’ know when your friends tell you how great you look, but you don’t believe that to be true, your self-esteem buckles and you give them an eye roll or even feel a sense of shame flush your cheeks in response to the compliments?  Yeah. Self-esteem must come from within. And the expiration date of our confidence is directly linked to our sense of self-worth.

 

Discover and immerse yourself into your passions and things you love. 

1.     Charisma: When we are immersed in our passions, hobbies, etc. we are filled with excitement and conviction AND when we talk about what makes us happy, it innately will people will feel good in response.  Everyone loves to be around people who make them feel good. It’s contagious! 

2.     Confidence: We don’t want to cultivate faux confidence or fool hearty bravery, we want to be standing tall in our space.  The more often we are talking about and doing things we genuinely love, our confidence to engage with others in conversation about it, or even invite them along for the ride, soars! 

3.     Self Esteem: We build self-worth by doing worthy things in this life. That is not limited to epic Malala Yousafzai world changing level things; every time we take action to make our lives more bountiful, more fulfilling, and offer contribution we add to our own inner bravery and self worth.  Not only do we feel confident enough to chat about what we are in to with others, we KNOW we have all the proof, actions, and lifestyle to back it up!

Feel excited when you meet someone.

1.     Charisma: Walk into every date, energized with a high level of excitement. EX. Take a few moments and call on a time you were super excited about.  Your first plane ride?  The day your niece was born?  That moment the call came in that you got the big job?   Step into that moment and channel that excitement… then when you greet them, let that excitement show.  If you are happy when you meet someone, they will also feel happy.  Who doesn’t want to engage with someone who is genuinely overflowing with excitement to be there AND meet them. 

2.     Confidence: What better way to boost our confidence then to recall the factual evidence of other successes and exciting times in our lives?  Confidence isn’t only shown verbally.  Our body language is the difference between walking into a room like we own it AND wall flowering sheepishly through the front door. Conjuring up this confidence by using a prompt from moments we felt joy, transforms our body language.

3.     Self Esteem: GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE! GRATITUDE!  That’s me, banging my gratitude drum. People who actively curate an attitude of gratitude feed their self-worth feasts o’ plenty.  Every example I gave above of ‘moments’ to remember, are also moments of gratitude.  Every time we utilize gratitude, we build self-esteem.

Take these bad boys on a test drive!  I always love to hear how you get on with applying these two tips into your life and taking the big step to connection!  

How do you spot the right ones? Core Values and LOVE...

image by Freddy Marshcall via Unsplash

“Begin with the end in mind”.    - Stephen Covey  

That Stephen, he’s a smart cookie.

I can’t say it enough.  Knowing exactly what you are looking for and why, creates a huge shift and mega results in your search for love.  Whether that be, from how you filter out the ones who aren’t right for you,  to manifesting and attracting the ones that are.

I spend a whole lot of time ‘Defining Your Search’ with clients, multiple sessions sometimes, and its the very first thing we discuss in our work together.

Being absolutely clear about what you want AND need in a relationship and a partner, is hugely empowering. 

We want to go from shooting arrows in every direction, wishing and hoping we hit SOMETHING... to shooting arrows in one specific direction, hoping to not just hit something, but SOMEONE, real and right, for us!

It's best, to start with defining a long list of traits we WANT in a partner.

Try to quiet the 'yeah buts' and the 'better keep it realistic' scarcity gremlins in your head.  It's okay to dream a bit here. Let yourself go, doll... promise you want plummet to disaster over a writing exercise!

THEN, we need to have a separate list of exactly what we NEED in a partner and relationship, to be happy and fulfilled, long term.  These are the MUST HAVE'S, the items we know we NEED to be happy and healthy long tern, usually they are also the items that have been deal breakers in the past.

In order to really sort that… we must be concrete about what our values are so this whole ‘happily ever after’ thang, stands a real chance!  

Values are a tricky thing. 

When I ask people what are their core values, we all love to reply with a long list of stunning beauties like honesty, open-mindedness, kindness... to name a few.

Here’s a bomb.  Our core values, aren’t always wearing a flowing silk dress with flawless red lipstick.  Sometimes core values, aren’t very pretty at all.

There are a lot of studies that show that Core Values are developed as early as ages 2-12 years old.  In our ‘download’ formative years. And what we download from our environment, our families, our early social & educational interactions, isn’t always beautiful.  

Core Values are our default drivers. 

They are not who we would like to be, how we are able to be once we have layered in reason, therapy, coaching etc.. they are what is the very first whisper in our ear when a situation arises.  Our worthy instincts AND our feared up gut reaction, in equal parts on some days.

I have worked with clients who have an overwhelming Core Value for financial security, with a point of origin of their family always struggling and moving from town to town for jobs as a child.

This Core Value of Financial Security drives their decision making.

Sometimes for good. Sometimes not. 

Economic Security Examples;

We save every dollar/pound we ever make, rarely unless under extreme pressure, opting to treat themselves to an expensive item or even a holiday.

We book the cheaper version of said holiday, because that core value is saying “you can’t spend that much!!” and then wind up on a dismal trip, eying the other holiday makers with envy and kicking ourselves for not upgrading.

In our relationships; We may have a partner who loves to spend money faster than they can make it.  In some ways, they push us out of our comfort zone to upgrade that trip (yay!) but mostly, we find ourselves constantly fighting over money and in a constant state of high anxiety. Both parties feel limited and pressured by the other, and resentment becomes a way of life and love.  No beuno!

For the most part, our Core Values, good or bad, cannot be changed easily.  Usually it takes a seismic event, like birth, death or total heartbreak to shift them immediately. 

Someone who’s drive for security has had them working at the same job they hate for years suddenly quits and moves to Thailand to be a yoga instructor after being in a near death car accident.

While, someone who Core Value of freedom has previously driven them to never settle down or commit, takes on a full time job in order to become the best father and partner overnight when they’re child is born.

Core Values are our real-time default drivers, that guide almost every decision we make in our lives.

Getting to terms with what your Core Values are, the handful of ‘MUST HAVES’ is crucial if you want to find a partner who will either share them or compliment them, so you can be happy healthy and free within that relationship for years to come.

Divorce and end of long term partnerships are rarely about love lost.  Its often that these two people CAN’T  LIVE TOGETHER ONE MORE MOMENT WITH BLOOD BEING SPILLED or perhaps less gory, they can’t live another moment feeling so stifled and such anxiety every day.  Oh ‘irreconcilable differences’ you nasty little gremlins.  There is a reason that 80% of these splits are over money, parenting and lifestyle. 

And its called CORE VALUES. 

With the couples I work with, more often than not, there core values are out of alignment AND they don’t even know it!

Once you know what truly drives your desires, thoughts, decisions and needs; you can accommodate them.  You can also choose partners who share your values AND even choose partners who offer some values you need, to shake it up.  

Here are a few quick tips to get you started down the very long road of understanding who are what you really are….

1 – Engage Compassion. 

This is a journey of self-discovery, lean into the widening space of who you truly are, without judgement, perfection, expectation or punishment. No one is perfect. This is not a journey of change, it’s one of understanding, self awareness  and compassion.

2 - Use technology to discover your Core Values

Believe it or not, psychometric tests like Meyer Briggs and DISC are amazing ways to access core values.  I always hated taking them, when applying for jobs, and the pressure of that particular environment often tweaks the results.  I mean come one, have any of us really, REALLY answered all those questions honestly when our next career move was on the line?   I utilize the DISC method with my own clients.

3 - Examine your historical data

Taking a hard look at what have been deal breakers in your past relationships, is also most useful. 

4- Seek professional expert help.  

Engaging with a coach or therapist who specializes in Core Value work, is the easiest, most epic way to get right down to the root of it, fast!

We’ve all heard it from people in long term relationships… the looks fade, the sex mellows; what keeps that little old couple holding hands?  Friendship, compatibility, and living in congruence with their core values.

How do I trust again? Moving beyond betrayal and heartbreak.

Last week, I had an exquisite ‘Breakthrough to Love’ call with an amazing woman, where we spent about 45 minutes chatting about her search for love.  What was working, and what wasn’t; and what started out as a long list of ‘I don’t know’ responses, quickly uncovered a very long trail of cheating and abandonment, by past loves. 

When I thumb through the many pages I have of emails, call notes and questionnaires from women all over the world, this topic of betrayal and heartbreak, is a common red thread weaving itself throughout so many of their stories. 

Most of us have at least one story of betrayal, abandonment and heartbreak in our lives.  Some of us, have more of these stories than seems bearable.  

Betrayal comes in many forms, lying, cheating, broken promises; but at the very root, is dishonesty and loss of security.  The effects of dishonesty (of any kind) in our relationships is detrimental, even the smallest of lies.  The ripples of betrayals, like going outside the relationship sexually and emotionally, are devastating and find long term footholds in our hearts.

Those ripples, or tsunami like waves, ravage our self-esteem, our confidence, our ability to trust again, and become cement blocks in our path to moving on, even years after the relationship has ended.

I need to come out from the gates, directly as possible, with 3 hard truths. 

(Which, my inherent Americaness allows for quite readily. Lucky me! )

Trusting again means, being open to the possibility of being hurt, like that, again. 

 

Being open to the possibilities, both good and bad, is imperative for us to find and attract love. 

 

There is only one road to recovering our ability to love and be loved, and that is right through the very thick of it.

Today, I’m going to address the first hurdle that MUST be traversed, if you are ever going to be truly able to love and be loved again. 

"I can’t and won’t survive that again! "

Strong statement, right? 

And it’s one your brain is well skilled at throwing up, at a moment’s notice.  When that betrayal happened… when your heart broke into a million shards, the very rational side of your brain, who serves to educate & protect, said… “Right, we’re not doing that again anytime soon!”  Rational brain had a very calm collected list of reasons that, if it could be avoided, it should.  Rational brain ran the numbers on optimum healing times, took a hard look at the statistics, the theory of relativity, and promptly placed your heart in a safe place to mend.

The emotional side of your brain, stepped out further and said, “Right, we are NEVER, EVER doing that again!” +  a tirade of “ I almost died!”.   “The pain was so unbearable, it was like someone carved out my still beating heart!”, “It was THE WORSE thing that ever happened to us!” and,  “LOCK THE HEART UP SOMEWHERE SAFE AND THROW AWAY THE KEY!!!”   Emotional brain, panicked… AND has quite the theatric flair for the dramatic.

When these two sides of the brain get together, fiction and fact can get a bit blurry.

You start to use the statistics, and numbers rational brain has on hand to fund emotional brain’s war chest.  First things first, build a fortress where the heart shall remain protected from all wrongdoers. (And subsequently right doers, but we’ll come back to that) 

Your brain dug some trenches, set traps 100 meters out, placed sharp shooters on the roof… so anyone that comes close… gets sent packing!

But, the heart?  She needs love. 

She is a wanton, dancing, goddess who twirls in her cell of protection, rattling the cage, desperate to get out into the sun again, TO LOVE!  The heart also has the most incredible ability to mend, to become whole again.  She knows she’s scarred but considers those healed raised pink ridges to be adornments.

And so the push pull, the come closer siren screams of the heart and the defensive maneuvers of the brain, begin to twist us, and those who want to care for us, into knots. The signals we send out are so garbled, no one (even yourself) can understand what you want and need.

Researchers tell us that the number one behavioral response abused children have, to new people and environments is ‘you can come close, but not too close’.  You can almost see their proverbial arm being held out, keeping others at a distance.  All their detachment, anger, their acting up and out is tied to the protective response, to not get hurt again. Children thrive in consistency, security, human touch and care yet their lack of emotional maturity does not allow for considered multi-tasking of feelings.

Our behavioral response to cheating & abandonment, is the same.  Because, it is abuse.  Mental and emotional abuse. It is a similar loss of security, consistency, human touch and care.   Protecting ourselves, makes absolute sense.  Until we think about that abused child above.

How that fortress of protection, becomes a prison they can’t get out of to love and be loved.  When we see them start to sabotage their own relationships, and self-destruct in the space between the fight for human connection and keeping themselves safe; we want to hug them tightly, assure them it’s okay, encourage them to let down their guard and allow healing love in.   

Healing and love, requires us to drop our fortress walls. Because true love is about being 100% safe with someone. Other people’s actions and words play a huge part in creating a safe environment, but both parties must fully participate to create 100% safety and security.

I use the example of the child above for good reason.  Many of you may have experience with children who have been abused. I am sure all of you felt empathy for the anonymous child I described. Most of you even saw clearly the counterproductive effect on healing and happiness, that child’s defense mechanisms were having. 

It’s always much easier to see clearly when we look at others lives, and so much harder to see and do so for ourselves.  We are ALSO always so quick to offer empathy, encouragement, kindness and motivation to that child. To reason with that child, that the road forward is filled with safety and love, that the alternative of keeping everyone at an arm’s length, is damaging their ability to live a happy, full life.

It’s time to make that same, sacred, compassionate, reasonably minded, offering to yourself, my dear. 

To embrace yourself with assurances that it will be okay and that the guard can now be let down.  It’s time, to free your heart from its fortress come prison!  It will take time and consistent daily effort to make yourself foster that sense of bravery and trust. 

The scared traumatized child, in you, is worthy of that work.

Stay tuned; Next week, I will be walking you through the second step to overcoming betrayal and heartbreak.

Giving photo credit, were credit’s due: in order of appearance…

Photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/shezamm/8590540421/">Suzanne Schroeter</a> via <a href="https://visualhunt.com">VisualHunt.com</a> / <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/"> CC BY-SA</a>

Photo via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/">Visualhunt.com</a>

Photo via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/">Visualhunt.com</a>

Photo credit: <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/zbellink/4673931374/">Alex Bellink</a> via <a href="https://visualhunt.com">Visual Hunt</a> / <a href="http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/"> CC BY</a>

Photo via <a href="https://visualhunt.com/photos/people/">VisualHunt</a>

London Scout  scoutthecity.com  https://unsplash.com

Tis' the season for love. My holiday message to you!

Hi Ladies

I wanted to take a moment to send you some holiday love and to wish you an incredible New Year, from my family to yours! 

2016 is in its final sunset...and Tis’ The Season’ is in the air.
 
Tis’ the season, for kissing under mistletoe. Cuddles on boxing day in your best Christmas jumper. Holding tight to your loved one as the ball drops… OR NOT!
 
For some of us, more like Tis’ the season’ of your single life being scrutinized by relatives far and wide + every other TV advert reminding you of that singleness. YIKES!
 
A time of year where season greetings are filled with...
 
“Meet anybody special yet, dear”
“When are you going to meet a nice boy?”
And worse… “You're not getting any younger”
 
And just when you think it’s over; the tree comes down, the garland packed away, and the ball drops without that meaningful NYE kiss...
 
BAM! The world pukes heart shaped everything all over you come Valentine's Day.
 
And even though WE BOTH KNOW that Valentine's Day is the ultimate example of a ‘retail holiday’… YOU STILL FEEL IT. That loneliness, that desire to find someone amazing to share your life with, but how? Where? When? Who? WTF?
 
PLUS, YOU’RE A ROCK STAR! Breaking glass ceilings wherever you go; career + social life + travel + family… all boxes so fiercely ticked! But your love life?? Yikes! Whassup with that???
 
Feel like I am telling your story? I AM.
AND it was my story too, lady.
 
If you had told me 10 years ago, that I would soon be meeting the love of my life and then get married, OH how I would’ve laughed.  And then, gone off somewhere privately, and cried.
 
I was so far away from that.  So silently hopeless about finding love. How would my patterns changing enough to meet and keep, real love?   I had made some progress. I had stopped jumping into relationships on date 2, like in my early 20’s, I had stopped dating the same guy with a different name and a different face. However, now I was in this new weird phase of experimentally dating different types of people, which kinda’ morphed into somehow attracting the craziest nutters out there.

Online dating was kicking my butt. I was frazzled, my confidence was plummeting, my faith in humanity, shaken.  

I was ready to give up. To “Just focus on my career” till… I’m not sure what? The universe randomly decided I was a good enough girl to hand me love?!?!?
 
I knew THAT method, the whole “the moment you stop looking, IT will happen” was not what had garnered me success in my career, my lifestyle, and fulfilling so many of my other dreams.  So, why would it work in love?
 
I also knew the common denominator was ME. That the blame couldn’t be placed squarely at the feet of the men who were ‘finding me’ cause’ I WAS CHOOSING THEM. Ouch. 
 
I felt very much adrift in my search for love and change. The messaging out there was beyond confusing for a woman like me. And even within my community of strong feminista’s, I was struggling to decipher those messages too.  Why yes, I do NOT need a partner to do this, this and this, um... but what if I want one?  

Admittedly, we were a whole lotta' blind leading the blind, doing the best we could.
 
I was convinced that being a strong kick ass woman, breaking glass ceilings AND wanting to find a loving partner to share my life with, were mutually exclusive.  I was filled with shame around wanting love AND filled with shame that I could not translate my usual success in career, family, social life to my love life.  

Add, my biggest mistake, I was muddling through it on my own, unwilling to ask for help in this area, allowing heartbreak to be my only teacher.  
 
So yeah, progress was minimal and slow, my love life was all sorts of CHOO CHOO train wreck! 
 
FINALLY, I hit bottom. Rocky, hopeless, am I broken(?!?!) bottom.
 
Then, I asked for help; put a lot of hard work in on myself, challenged my historical ideas about giving and receiving love and about myself, as a woman. I got crystal clear on what I wanted, and what I needed in a relationship and partner. Upped my self worth. Combatted shame with forgiveness… truth was I never had very good relationship role models growing up, NO ONE teaches this necessary skill set in school,  so no wonder I was a bit of a mess.
 
I opened my mind, heart AND mouth, no longer afraid to admit I wanted love and partnership. AND SO MUCH MORE…

 
Tell it on the mountain!!! MY GUY SHOWED UP!  Here came Mark and his teeny tiny dog, Parker. A person who in no way resembled anything I would have dated in my 20’s or even my early 30’s… however with my heart and eyes now wide open. I SAW HIM. AND I LOVED HIM!  Besides, how could I say NO to itsy bitsy Parker’s puppy eyes?

THIS NOT THE PART OF THE EMAIL where I patronizingly say “IF it could happen for me, it could happen for you, dear!!” 

Cause’ that statement, we’ve ALL heard too many times, isn’t helpful.
 
HOWEVER, if a train wreck like me, whose most consistent Achilles heel in life was LOVE, can wake up from the haze of mixed messaging out there, put the work in, and transform how I attract, give, respond to and receive love…. I CAN DO ANYTHING!   EVEN HELP OTHER WOMEN, LIKE YOU,  DO THE SAME!  
 
My personal story is a big part of why I do what I do.  But, here’s the other BIG reason.
 
When I first decided to be a Dating and Relationship coach, the feedback I got from friends was mixed. MEN in my life, told me there was no money in it.  I should, with my professional background, be doing corporate coaching, and then promptly told me how I should run my business.  SIGH. 
 
No WOMEN, not even the fab female biz mentor I hired to help me start the business, who I hired to tell me what to do, ever told me what I SHOULD be doing. They asked questions and offered support.   I didn’t walk away from my very financially rewarding career to, once again, do what I should, cause it would make me a lot of money.  Hellz no, I didn’t! 
 
And, the women, who I spoke to about my crazy idea, LOVED it.

However, they loved it… in this kinda’ weird way.
 
Which led to my next biggest turning point; I went to a small female entrepreneur masterclass. I was in a room filled with glorious, confident, successful, powerful women running their worlds. It was euphoric for a feminist like me.  When it came round to me, to intro myself, I said ‘I am a dating and relationship coach with a focus on empowering women in the arena of love’… SILENCE. These lionesses turned into lambs, their eyes filled with terror.  Some of them, who were just moments ago fiercely telling their biz stories so eloquently, had a hard time even articulating their struggles with love.  So much of that power, that Wonder Woman badassery, simply evaporated when they stepped into the arena of love.
 
That is the moment I knew, MY GIRLS NEEDED ME. 

That THIS, was worthy work.  

MY worthy, necessary, work to be doing.
 
+Eureka! I was not alone. My story was not a one off. TOO MANY OF US ARE FILLED WITH SHAME, FEAR AND HOPELESSNESS AROUND LOVE and the help that is out there, for the most part, isn’t designed with us feminista’s in mind!
 
Lastly and MOST importantly; bearing witness to my clients completely revolutionizing how THEY attract, find, give and receive love through our work together?!?!? 
EPIC. SOUL QUENCHING. HEART EXPLODING. 
 
So yeah. I love doing what I do.
 
I shall power on, smashing my goals, fighting the good fight, for you, for love, in 2017!

 
On that note; The women in the Feminista Seeks Love FB group have made their voices heard with some ideas for new webinars for 2017.  I will be in the laboratory over the holidays to produce the first of these new training's, which will be a HOW TO of online dating for the empowered independent woman.  Stay tuned! 
 
You should totes come join us on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/groups/939926752808019/
 
I will also be running my current FREE webinar ‘The 5 Shifts To Take Your Love Life From Horror Flick To Rom Com’ the first week of January, so if you’ve missed out before OR simply want to hop on for a refresher… claim your spot!

2nd of January at 6:30pm London / 1:30pm NYC / 10:30am LA
5th of January @ 7:30pm London / 2:30pm NYC / 11:30am LA
https://app.webinarjam.net/register/31882/f33131026f
 

 
Let’s make 2017 THE year YOU turn this whole love thang, right side round!
 
Happy Holidays! xx