One of the most popular complaints I hear from people is, they can’t seem to get past a first date.
SCENARIO 1: The date one goes really well, and then POOF! the person disappears, or you get the dreaded follow up message ‘sorry, I just didn’t feel a connection.’
SCENARIO 2: After much promising messaging, date one does NOT live up to expectations, and you find yourself on the first date merry go round, without ever meeting people they want to go on a second date with. Not getting out on dates sucks but, wow a seemingly endless cycle of DUD dates, can actually be worse.
Either scenario, leads to a lot more questions.
This love letter, is a two part’er. This week, we will deal with scenario one. Next week, I’ll help you tackle scenario two.
Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash
Here are just a few of the followup questions I get from men and women, every week about getting out on a first date, like in scenario one, that never leads to a second date.
Why do I keep getting out on a first date, think its going so well and then the other person never wants to go out again?
Am I losing it? I thought we had a great time! Like, am I unable to gauge that the other person is so not into me on date one?
How do I get someone interested enough to want a second date?
And ultimately, what we are REALLY wondering is… What’s wrong with me? Why am I not enough?
OUCH! That last one, its a tearjerker.
Photo by Nijwam Swargiary on Unsplash
Firstly, its okay if you have found yourself questioning your self worth as a result of dating. And by okay, I mean its completely normal, and you are not alone in that. Dating is an incredibly vulnerable act, made even more so by the randomness of online dating. In fact, this is such a common side effect of looking for love out in the modern jungle of dating, that it building self esteem and confidence features heavily in the work I do with my private clients.
IF this is where you find yourself right now, hustling for your self worth one swipe and first date at a time… here are a THREE TIPS TO HELP YOU PIVOT, and get out on second, third and more dates!
1. Instead of questioning on why someone would want to see YOU again, come to dating from a place of WHY WOULD I WANT TO SEE THEM AGAIN? If we have the mindset that we have to impress, convince or prove ourselves when we arrive on a date, that energy wreaks havoc with our body language, confidence, tone and generally sends out a repellent air around us, that people an pick up on, on a subconscious level.
2. Take some time to remind yourself exactly what does make you a catch! If I walk into a room, knowing I have a lot to offer, and a, ready to speak and act to those points, I am coming from a place of empowerment and it shines through. (Maybe you are in a place where you are no longer sure what you have to offer, or if the good outweighs what you have come to believe is the bad. If that’s the case, we have some work to do, my darling. And, it is doable!)
3. Talk about things that you are passionate about. Excitement is contagious and wildly attractive. People automatically get pulled towards those who are charismatic, and there is nothing more charismatic than someone who is positive and excited about their interests, hobbies, work etc… Unfortunately, a very common topic of first date conversation is centred around how much dating sucks. AVOID THIS TOPIC LIKE THE PLAGUE. Whilst commiseration can bond people, it does so with a negative association and the jaded energy is low and not something that makes people inherently think, ‘I want to know more!’.
I hope these three tips facilitate some tangible change in how you are approaching and engaging with your very next, first date! In fact, don’t hesitate to hit reply, and let me know how it goes for you.
Photo by Nagesh Badu on Unsplash
Stay tuned, as next week in Part Two, we will discuss how to avoid even expending the energy to get out on a first date that turns out to be a total dud.