People assume what kills most marriages and long-term partnerships are the big bombs. Cheating, Addiction, Physical/Emotional Abuse however whilst those explosive napalm like events can and do happen, it’s actually a very small percentage.

The #1 culprit? LOSS OF CONNECTION.

We often describe it as a loss of love. We hear ourselves saying to friends and family, “I don’t know if I love them anymore” or ‘I’m just not IN love with them’ or ‘My partner is so selfish! You don’t see me taking time out for such and such!’

PLEASE NOTE: What proceeds us falling in love is connection, and therefore what proceeds us falling out of love… loss of connection.

Probably the most silent and fatal of missiles most couples miss, that the deadliest of all, is when we lose connection with ourselves. When we then, lose a sense of self love and self care.

Somewhere between building a career, maintaining a marriage and chasing small tyrants, oh I mean our wonderful children, to and fro, you have lost YOU! We no longer take the time to truly care for ourselves, to make you even close to the top of the priority list.

Ever notice when you are sitting on the plane, readying for take off, the crew explains that if the oxygen masks drop, to put yours on first, before helping anyone else, even your child? We think, that’s nuts! Of course, I have to see to them first! However, the reasoning is logical and proven. If you lose consciousness while trying to put on someone else oxygen mask, you are of not use to them.

Losing connection with yourself can make you feel stuck, depressed, anxious. You might feel you need to be in control of everything or by contrast you can totally give up all control to please your partner. Your self-worth being tied solely to what is left, the success of your relationship and a desperate clinging to the feeling of connection you once got from it.

And before you click away from this Love Letter, thinking ‘no kids, no problem”, the insidious relationship killer that is ‘Disconnection from Self’ can start long before kids show up. From the very moment we begin to compromise our own values, our own interests, and pursuing what brings us and us alone joy, to instead spend more time with your partners. We cancel a girls/boys night here and there, we find ourselves always traveling with your new love and not doing our beloved solo adventures, we cut back on the yoga, don't have time for our weekly brunch with friends, or our old monthly golf weekends, all in the very honorable pursuit of love.

We give up our autonomy, inch by inch, moment by moment.

Photo by Sergio Alejandro Ortiz on Unsplash

It’s true, we will need to carve out time for a relationship, and we will FEEL LIKE spending every waking moment with our sweethearts, but we can’t afford lose ourselves in the process.

Time and time again, this ugly relationship killer rears its head in sessions with my private clients. They, on one hand describe all the hobbies, interests and passions that fuel them, yet on the other hand, confess it’s been, sometimes years, since they have indulged in them with any regularity.

We all have our excuses. Work has been crazy. All our old friends seem to be just as distracted and unavailable as us. We’re not as young as we used to be. The kids have a zillion activities that keep us running in all directions. Slowly and surely, everything and everyone becomes more important to us... BUT US!

Ready for something fascinating? None of these couples have the excuse ‘Oh, well we’ve been so busy doing things we love together, so busy not arguing, so busy being madly in love, I just have time for me time!”

The result of this loss of connection with our authentic self is NEVER a better connection with the ones we love. #truthbomb

When we naturally shift out of the frenzy of new love, which is absolutely biological to do so, and we don’t reclaim our time, for us, as individuals. To creating time for what fulfills, and nurtures us. Disconnection with ourselves sets in, and disconnection spreads like a wildfire, to all our relationships.

Whilst this does rear its head more often with women than men, due to how we are educated and socialized to seek our fulfillment, BOTH MEN AND WOMEN can allow this initial disconnection from themselves to be the shift in dynamic that stops the couple being attracted to each other. We can see our partners as the cause for our lack of fulfillment, and that resentment and negative attachment leads one person to want freedom from the relationship.

A happy, healthy, thriving relationship requires happy, healthy, thriving individuals in it!

A happy, healthy, thriving relationship requires happy, healthy, thriving individuals in it!

What can you do today to re-connect, with you? What creative pursuit, spiritual endeavor, laugh riot friend, date night with yourself, or simple pleasure can you do today that will put your own oxygen mask on first, dearest one?