Online Dating; it was the best of times, it was the worst of times...PART 1

Dear lovely,

You hear it all the time…

 ‘”you’ve got to put yourself out there”

        “Have you tried online dating?”

  “ You have to kiss some frogs before you meet a prince”,

"EVERYONE is meeting online these days”

“I met my husband/wife online!”


Ennnnnter screen shot of a random unsolicited dick pic or someone being verbally abusive because you did not respond quick enough online. WTF?!?!? 

So, do any of these people (the great and wondrous ‘THEY’ who say ALL the things) have the EXACT number of frog its going to take??? Cause darlin’ its starting to feel like the second plague of Egypt up in this piece!!!!

But check it; I am one of the not so mythological beasts who met my partner online. It CAN and DOES happen, I assure you.  HOWEVER, woman oh woman, did I wade through some frogs, locusts and a whole lotta other biblical like madness to get to that prince.  And the worst plague of all, was on my confidence and sanity. You know the online dates I am talking about.  The ‘wow, this is going amazing, but then GHOSSST’, um' did he die after that date???’ ones.  The ‘dear lawwwd, whatever I did to deserve this suffering, I will make up for it if you just set this restaurant on fire so I can leg it out of there RIGHT NOW’ dates.  The ‘dude, sorry, I am not feeling it, then they start blubbering’ date. The ‘OMFG another dud date, I can’t. I just, CAN’T’, dates.  Or my personal favorite ‘the chatty cathys who never EVER want to actually meet in real life to go on a date’ people.  (I cannot unravel that mystery for you. Those people are just weirdos, seriously just get a prison pen pal, weirdos).  You start to lose your confidence. And by confidence, I don’t mean about how you look but actually losing faith in your ability to choose someone, your ability to read a situation, gauge interest, hell even begin to question what the F%@k is going on with you that you attract these nutters in the first place?  That’s about when the sanity starts to slip and reality as you have always known it?  Utterly questioned.  You own (like a boss) your career, your social life and yet, your confidence to truly own your romantic life??? Plummeting!   And, everyone is so jaded. Dates feel like interviews. time is somehow this newly minted, highly limited, commodity and judgements are made in the moment it takes to SWWWWIPPPE! 

AND, You are beginning to wonder if its you?????

And, it is.      And, it’s not.

I suggest you focus on what you CAN change, the part of the puzzle you can unpick, unravel and unlock.  And it ain’t them. It’s you, doll.  And that’s okay. More than okay, it’s GREAT NEWS! Cause YOU have power over YOU.  And spending a single minute trying to sort someone else out, is a total waste of your smarts, your love and your time. And no, taking your ball and going home AKA taking a break from dating, is not a viable long term solution. Not if you are in this love game, to win. Not if you know deep down, that you want and deserve love. The poet, Pablo Neruda wrote ‘of all the fires, love is the most inexhaustible one’.  As human beings we are hard wired to seek out love, companionship and human connection. So you will cycle back around, find yourself chasing this innate and basic human desire again. However, if nothing changes, nothing changes. So, cycle back… or cycle forward, my dear?  The choice is yours…

Forward we go, then! 

Do you know what you are looking for in a partner?  Do you know what you need? Let me guess… funny, kind, attentive, affectionate, tall, short, easygoing, on your list?

What does funny mean to you? What's your idea of funny?  How about affectionate? What’s your definition of affectionate? What’s it look like, feel like, sound like? TO YOU.

Hey! Put down that article with it’s latest Top 20 things you need from a partner list this very minute, girl!  No one, not a magazine article, no guru and not even your very well intentioned mother can nor should define this for you. 

Step one, with almost every client I take on, is defining their search for love. And it’s multi session big ol’ lump of time we spend on it because, the chemistry IS in the details. The chemistry, not the catalytic spark of butterflies (which although essential), is NOT chemistry by itself.  Love, real forever love, the kind that lasts… is in the details. And darlin’ its high time you sussed out those details by defining your search for love.  When I talk about taking charge in love as independent kick ass feminista’s, I am NOT talking about heading out there and bossing potential partners about, taking names and making demands. Not on them. I want you to do it FOR YOU.  Take charge of you. Make demands, boundaries, defined lists of what YOU are worth, what YOU want and what YOU need. Feel counter intuitive? Feel like that doesn’t belong in the magical unicorn arena of love?  I get it. Here, lemme write you out a permission slip; It lets us enter unicorn country. Okay? Now, let’s trample some frogs and get unicorn hunting! They exist. I have seen them. I even bet one of your best friends just married one. Tell me what your unicorn looks like? Sounds like? Smells like? Feels like?  I need all the DETAILS, babe. ALL OF THEM!   You keep asking where to find the good ones?  We need to define exactly what a ‘good one’ is TO YOU before we go out there into the wide and sometimes surreal world of online dating. You are not doing this dating malarkey as social experiment into the full diaspora of the human race.  You are not doing this dating malarkey for free dinner across from yet another the dud (or jerk) of a date. And you are definitely not doing it add to your Instagram collection of random body part images messaged to you on tinder from losers.  You are seeking a winner, like you. A partner, a companion, someone amazing to share your life with. You are anything but beige, doll. Generic searches, net generic results. THAT IS SO NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE! Define that search.  Stand up and own that search. The benefits??  Start spending time with quality people AND Stop the dud dates, the offensive messages that are threatening your will to live and love.  Start filtering out the ones who are not compatible, not on the same page as you and stop finding yourself months into seeing someone that is not right for you. Start seeing people for who they really are NOT who they want you to think they are... AND Start kicking ass out there in love! WOOT!

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