So, there I was, at a female entrepreneur event, surrounded with boss, fierce ladies who are being brave daily, taking charge of their destinies and risking all for the dream. The conversations are centered heavily on owning your voice, female driven startups, daring to be seen and demanding success. It’s thrilling. I am happily gorging myself of Wonder Woman-ness. This is the kind of lady vortex of ferocity I live for.
My turn comes at the round table, so to speak, and I tell the ladies what I do. “I am a dating and relationship coach. I help strong woman take charge in their love life, to navigate the swipe swipe nightmare that can be dating today, to find real lasting love, AND keep it.” CRICKETS. And a room of terror filled, wide eyes all staring at me.
One woman, this real goddess I have been eyeing all morning ‘cause she is on FIRE with what she is doing in business speaks up, “I REALLY want to find someone amazing, but ughhh it’s so hard out there… I am just going to wait, when it happens, it happens.” Before she can move on I ask… “Wait? For what exactly?”
MORE CRICKETS. Everyone is holding their breath. All these fantastic, SHE-RA ladies who have been kicking ass and taking names all day, now peer at me, like Bambi in headlights.
I do not say that to be unkind. I get it. I’ve been there.
This is some deep rooted, highly publicized, tender shizzle. Every day, I read and re-read articles, or overhear conversations on the train, and have chats with my own clients where I face-off with this undercurrent of pervading thought that says, in one way or another, we, as woman, shouldn’t take charge and own this area of our lives; either in a painfully obvious let the man pursue you way or through endless harassment of statements like ‘when you are not looking, then IT will happen’ OR ‘you can’t rush love’. OR 'playing coy is what they want' OR ‘the heart does what the heart does’, what can you do? kinda' way. Oh and the magazine covers I see (but often refuse to touch) screaming out from the stands or blaring from my screen, “What Men Really Want?” , “Get in his head and in his bed” “50 ways to seduce a man”… It’s no wonder so many of us hesitate and waffle when it comes to love and WHAT WE WANT, WHEN AND HOW WE WANT IT!
At a time when we are out there as CEO’s, starting our own businesses, hell even running for president all while nurturing families and dedicating more time than ever to our physical health and well-being; our hearts, our romantic life and even our sex life remains taboo, wrapped in mystery kitten paper and the bow on top is that the dialogue in the mainstream is nowhere near getting on side with what we as woman are ‘allowed’ to want, need and even demand out of love.
So I decide to go a bit full press on my fellow goddess at the event, not in a mean girl way but just enough to make a point, to create that head explosion, breakthrough, what the what moment. Just enough to poke a single hole in the facade so vulnerability and love could pour through. Or enough for her to hit me. It can go either way some days.
“Can you tell me what you're waiting for? And why exactly are you're keeping yourself waiting?
You are not 'waiting' with your business… with your bank account… with your career… and I am going to guess you don’t do it with your social life? Who selected, planned and booked your last holiday?
Did you wait to be invited out with your girls last Saturday night? HECK NO?!
So why? WHY?!?! Are you keeping yourself waiting for love? You are way too cute, way too amazing to keep yourself waiting another moment, doll.”
She's naturally got a bit defensive, ego and fear love that particular cape and don it proudly… “I don’t need a partner to make my life fulfilled!”
AND SHE IS RIGHT! Of course you don’t, but this isn’t just about what you need, it’s also about what you want AND why you think you can’t chase it boldly like you do everything else in your life.
The feminist rally cry of “I don’t need a a man to fill in the blank” is one I know, use, AND honor but only when it truly matches what YOU want, not what you think you can have or worse, are allowed to openly desire.
So I placed my hand on her hand and said “Tell me why you think you need to wait? What will happen if you don’t wait and treat this area of your life like every other area of your life, and take charge?”
Here's a top 10 list for ya'… the top 10 answers I have gotten to those two questions;
1. I don’t think I have any real power over this area in my life.
2. I am afraid of getting my heart broken, AGAIN.
3. I always pick the wrong ones.
4. The good ones are all taken.
5. I don’t want to be distracted by a relationship right now.
6. I don’t have the time to date.
7. I can’t seem to meet any decent guys/gals.
8. It should just happen! Like in the movies!
9. Love is a magical thing, the rules of business and/or success don’t apply.
10. I want the dream, the whole enchilada and it just doesn’t seem to exist in today’s world.
All of these replies are valid and real. HOWEVER, I find framing this in contrast to how we behave in other areas of our life, the areas we take no issue empowering ourselves in, really helpful.
Would you say… you don’t have any power over your business being successful or not?
Would you not go out and look for a job or a better job because you might be fired or be made redundant, again?
Have you always picked the wrong holidays to go on? And even if you have made a vacation booking mistake (lord knows I have) in the past, has it stopped you from ever going on holiday again?
Do you not even go to the car dealership because all the good cars area already sold?
Or stop yourself from taking care of your health or well-being by passing on yoga or the gym or hell even eating well because you don’t have the time? (ouch! that’s a tough one for some of us, AND definitely for me, cause the gym seems to fall low on my priority list)
Do you not go to networking events to achieve more contacts or go out looking for new clients because you have had a run of bad ones? Or a few rejections?
Do you sit back waiting for your dream job or business to fall like manna from heaven?
How about, ask anyone in a real, long term, happy, relationship how it works… do they hand you a secret spell book or box of magic potions?
When you were starting your business or your first job out of school… didn’t you want the whole enchilada dream? How far would you have gotten if you just took ‘it doesn’t exist in today’s world’ as gospel and stopped dead in your tracks????
I am not saying let’s take all the unicorns or butterflies out of love, (NEVER, EVER would I say that. Cause unicorns and butterflies make life and love worth having!!) And please do not run off to flow chart or Power Point your quest for love! However, what I AM SAYING… It’s time to take back your search for love.
Define it. Empower it. Own it. Be bold. Be seen.
And yes even open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt because it’s through that very same breach in your chest that LOVE WILL GET IN! When we close ourselves off to the possibilities of success, happiness and joy because the opposite MAY happen… we let fear win. And fear is not a very sporting fellow about winning. Fear is also not satisfied with winning just one race, and will look for ways to invade and conquer ruthlessly from that foothold of a win, into the rest of your life. Time to up that bravery level!!
Oh, and tell naysayers, the haters, the glossy mag covers, wistful internet memes, the ‘oh no, you can’t do that with love’ peeps… to suck it.
I am talking #BeMoreBeyonce and run the world, the whole damn world! Even the world where your wanton, crazy, heart resides, because she is also, WAY too cute to be kept waiting another minute longer, darlin’.
#datingcoaching #lovecoaching #empoweryoursearch #bebrave #wonderwomanIT