The Reason You Can't Get on a Second DAte - PART TWO

Time for part two of the Why You Can’t Get Past The First Date; Love letter.

Last week I wrote to you about scenario one, The date one goes really well, and then POOF! the person disappears,  or you get the dreaded follow up message ‘sorry, I just didn’t feel a connection.’ and if you missed it, check it out here.

This week we address…

SCENARIO 2:  After much promising messaging, date one does NOT live up to expectations, and you find yourself on the first date merry go round, without ever meeting people they want to go on a second date with.  Not getting out on dates sucks but, wow a seemingly endless cycle of DUD dates, can actually be worse.  

The dreaded, dud date.  The ‘will I EVER meet anyone I connect with’ hopeless cycle of dud dates.   Seriously, it can be soul crushing.  But why does this keep happening?   Is it a case of, all the good ones are taken, strikes again?  

I can guarantee you, its NOT true that all the good ones are taken, and there ARE some great people out there you can truly connect with on a deep level.

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The problem is, you don’t really and specifically know what you are looking for AND you are not calling those people to you through your online dating profile, messages or actions in the real face to face world.

I know that might sound harsh, but real talk is what you are always going to get from me , dearest one.

In the first few sessions I spend with my private clients, I help them to understand the dynamics of meeting the right people, and faciliate these clients getting really clear on what they are looking for in a partner and relationship. We always start with the WHO. Who they are, and who they want AND need in order to thrive. We wave a whole hearted goodbye to generic descriptors like.. KIND, FUNNY, GENEROUS, SMART, etc.. and drill down to what these words really mean to them AND what someone who truly fits thier definiation of these traits looks, sounds and acts like so we can recognise them.

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And we don’t stop there! We work on updating thier dating profiles to call the right ones in, and repel the wrong ones far far away. I always say, the love is in the details, and we use all the detail we reveal in our coaching sessions about the who, what and why of thier desires and needs to weed out the duds, before we ever waste a single moment of thier prescious time getting out on that first date with a dud, and start getting out on first, second and third dates with people who have real potentional for connection and love.

Here is the just one of the questions, I ask these clients, that I want to offer up to you today so you can start getting some real clarity on what you are looking for, so you can start to fine tune your search.

Write a list of all the character and physical traits you want in a partner, AKA the funny, emotionally intelligent, and yes, even the tall or fit descriptors we use… and THEN, go back and define what each one means to you. Like, you are writing your very own dictionary, describe that “funny” means to you.

Here’s the thing, NO TWO CLIENTS EVER HAVE THE SAME EXACT DEFINITION! And neither will you, my dear.

New Year. New Love Life!

You might be wondering why this Love Letter is coming a good week and half after the ball dropped?  That first week of the year is a social media frenzy of ‘New Year, New You’ goal smashing inspirational paraphernalia, which can help to kick start the 2023 momentum however it fades from the news cycle on your timeline, fast.   If you are anything like me, I start off very strong on January 1st, and quickly and surely the resolve that resolutions take, can wane.  So think of this weeks Love Letter, as a pick me up before all the steam of your ‘new year, new you’ whistles out. 

What type of resolutions and goals should we set around our dating life? 

Here are a just a few of my favourite few ways to create some tangible change in your search for love.

1. GET OUT, OFTEN.  

Shake off the winter hibernations doldrums, and step out of the online dating comfort zone by actually getting out to meet real people in the real world.  YES! It IS possible to meet people in real life! In fact, in our post lockdown zoom screen glued world, people are more eager for face to face connection than ever before.   Check out some local hobby clubs, interest groups, and pub quiz nights and, if you are really ready to grab 2023 by the proverbial horns, check out your local speed dating and singles nights.

2. LET ANY OLD FLAMES DIE OUT

Whether 2022 saw you fall prey to the bread crumbing trend of people stringing you along, or you’re cyber stalking your ex’s Instagram… it’s time to let that shizzle go.  Do the work to heal your heart and free your mind to be truly open to new possibilities.

3. DO AN ONLINE DATING PROFILE REBOOT

Time to ditch the older pics,  add some new ones and be unabashedly and unapologetically you, all over that ‘About me’ section.   My clients are always amazed when we do a full revamp of their online dating profile how much of an uptick in swipes and quality of messages and people they attract.

If you do nothing else, but these 3 things, you will notice a shift in your dating life. 

If you know, these things would help, however are not going to be enough to truly transform your love life, it might be high time we had a chat.  Book your FREE Breakthrough to Love call today, and lets get some quality time to talk about where you’re at and where you want to go, with love.

Tis' the Season to find LOVE

I won’t sugar coat this for you,  December – March is my busiest time of year, for dating coaching clients.  It can be very lonely to be single this time of year, between random relatives asking if you are seeing anyone special followed by the ol’ ‘you gotta put yourself out there’ parting jab...  a ball dropping on New Years and no kiss in sight and then just when you think you made it out alive, hells bells(!!) freaking Valentines day comes trouncing into town like a toddler hopped up on sugar.  Cue massive eyeroll !

And I know it sounds  bit crazy to tell you this, BUT the holiday season is a great time to be single…

And whilst yes, watching couples smooch under mistletoe doesn’t feel like something to celebrate, here is exactly why it can be an incredible time to be out and about dating.  Read my top 3 reasons the holiday season is a great time to be single here

Top 3 Reasons the holiday season is a great time be single:

1.       ‘A time to spread goodwill and cheer’  There is something magical and festive about this time of year, that puts everyone in a more social mood. We have dinners and parties to attend, shopping to do and a feeling of getting the most out of the end of the year.  This means most people are more ‘up’ for going out, meeting up and have a unconscious drive to have a good time.

2.       ‘Busy time of the year’   For many of you, this is a very busy time of the year  Whether that be lots of evenings booked up with festivities or end of year deadlines looming.  One of the best tips I give my clients using online dating is to switch out a traditional first date for a much more casual and short ‘first meet’.    Setting up a 30 minute cup of coffee, glass of wine or hot chocolate by the Christmas tree in town gives us just enough time to get a much needed face to face first impression and confirm (or deny) what we saw online with in person reality.  It also dials back all the pressure and build up we can sometimes place on a longer first date, which helps us to ease any anxiety.   And, its way easier to propose this by saying something like… ‘weeks busy with Christmas parties but I would love to meet up!  How about we meet any such and such place for a quick this and that before I have to be at FILL IN THE BLANK party?’   And hey, bonus points if who shows up, barely resembles their online pics AND has the real life personality of a wet mop, cause you are not committed to, nor trying to figure our how to get out of a typical 1-2 hour date.

 

3.       ‘Say cheese!’  You know what else is a glorious by product of this time of year?  Great profile pic update opportunities as you sashay around town, a bit more glammed up, and filled with that certain confident festive sass than usual. Before the drinks get the better of everyone, grab that co-worker at the office Christmas party and gave them take some fun new pics for your dating profile.

Wishing you all the love this holiday season and as always remember, YOU ARE THE GREATEST GIFT anyone can find under the tree! xx

Want my help navigating the wilds of modern dating? Book in your FREE Breankthrough To Love call so we can chat. Happy Holidays!

Gratitude as a relationship saver, yay or nay?

I’m a big fan of gratitude.  Practicing gratitude can begin as easily as taking a few moments to list out everything we are grateful for, the good things in our lives, our partners and in our partnerships.  By the time we call out even 7 or 10 items,  our perspective of ourselves, our relationship and even the world we live in can shift dramatically.  .  Practicing gratitude can do us a necessary favour of balancing the scales of what is going wrong and what is going right. This perspective shift, releases serotonin in the brain, which floods our senses with the feelings of pleasure and happiness

Powerful stuff, for sure. 

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

HOWEVER… Utilising gratitude in this manner often offers a short term solution to a much longer term problem.  

Gratitude is an action word. 

Gratitude is NOT an inanimate list we possess, to be looked at whenever we need a pick me up or some perspective.

Gratitude is NOT a state of being as a result of making lists of items we are grateful. 

Gratitude is NOT a statement of intention, a bold claim we offer ourselves and others. 

GRATITUDE IS A VERB, and it only truly exists through our actions. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

To truly bring a practice of gratitude into our relationships, means a daily ritual of action. It requires making firm decisions to act, respond and engage differently.  How do we harness gratitude, to exact tangible change in how we move through the world, through our love?  

If you are unsure on how to answer that question, how to DO different, to shift life long, relationship long learned behaviours, in order to express gratitude in action and save your partnership…  I can help. 

Gratitude in action for me, looks like teaching others the hard won tools I have learned over years of study, professional practice and personal failures and successes, to transform how my clients give, receive, respond and engage with love.    I offer a Relationships 101 of sorts, to help people create clear effective communication, healthy conflict resolution, respect for themselves and their partners, and a much needed resurgence of kindness and compassion.   The tools necessary to truly take that momentary boost of gratitude and turn it into a well oiled practice of gratitude that revolutionises how we live and love.

Sound like something worth exploring, dearest one? 

Book in your FREE Breakthrough to Love call, and we can spend some time discussing how our can move towards one another again. 

Get Real Closure On Past Relationships

I have had countless people book their Breakthrough To Love calls to speak to me about a relationship that has already ended, and moving on is proving hella elusive. These folks are often in various stages of grieving the loss of this relationship, from denial, to bargaining, to anger and many are still woozy from the shockwaves in a state of ‘what the heck just happened??!??!

The word closure has such a lovely ring to it.

Such a finite feel of doors closing, mysteries being solved, hurt being healed. However, in many romances ending, closure evades us. Sometimes its because we didn’t get to have that final conversation in a mature calm manner, or have questions about what went wrong, or the ending was so catastrophic, all we are left with is a bit of rubble, some leaving jabs made from a hurt place by both parties and little to no chance of ever speaking that our past partner again. We can easily become convinced that in order to have closure, the collective WE must be present for to debriefing. In the absence of our departed love, every friend, family member, social media post can be where we hash out and re-hash from every possible angle, desperately seeking closure. Heartbreak and rejection, real or perceived, can truly level our confidence and self worth.

Ultimately, deep down to our core, we want to know one thing. Are we lovable?
If any of the above sounds familiar, dearest , here's a truth bomb you need to hear.

YOUR EX DOES NOT HAVE THAT ANSWER.

That person you are determined to corner somehow for that all important full autopsy of what was your relationship, can never give you the answers you really need. If they couldn’t reassure you while you were together… yeah, it’s definitely not happening now. Let that shit go. Because…

ONLY YOU CAN PROVIDE THE ANSWER.

And my darling, you must learn to find that answer yourself, or any relationship, no matter how wonderful the other person is, how perfect of a prince or princess, how honest, kind and loyal they are… it will never be enough to resolve what keeps derailing your attempts at loving and being loved. I won’t tell you it’s always an easy journey. No ‘in 3 easy steps you will’ kind of snake oil being sold here! This road can be long, typically not a straight shot, but my god, it is so lush!

This important quest goes way deeper than all the articles abound on self love you may read on the internet. Way deeper than a million affirmations repeated daily can ever serve up. The journey I take many of my clients on, is a road to absolute knowledge of their worthiness of love. Love requires vulnerability and vulnerability requires trust. Trust in ourselves, first and foremost. Cause if you don’t trust yourself, how the hell you gonna trust someone else??

Are you ready to stopping asking 'why me'? And start believing, it's gonna be me?

I’m ready to listen, to offer compassion and tangible guidance, when ever you are ready to talk, dearest one.

Book your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call