Love Letters
Most couples call me at the bitter ends, when separation seems like the only solution to the boiling point of their acrimonious partnerships. It’s almost as if they feel they have to check the ‘we sought professional help’ box before they can throw in the towel. This week, I wanted to share with you a clients story, of coming into relationship coaching thinking and feeling like divorce was the only way forward, however what happened next surprised us all.
Some days you just have to go it alone, in your relationship
This is me, out and about in Amsterdam, all by myself, on a recent trip my husband and I took to see his family in the Netherlands.
See, I don’t know about you, but I have a peopling limit. Like, I’m talking getting to a place where I am peopled theAF out. (I also like to make up words, like peopling and peopled. Just go with it).
People often assume I am quite extroverted, as I can be the life of the party, and have had careers where networking, working closely with people and developing meaningful relationships is something I do excel at… but here is the real deal. I am actually quite introverted and require a hefty amount of alone time to feel at my best.
Whilst on our dutch adventure earlier this month, after 3 days of family visits, and wandering around with my partner day and night, I was D O N E. It was high time… for some solo time, and I am not afraid to ask for what I need.
I sent the Hubba Hubba off for a day with his mom, and I played tourist all day, roaming the city, having a fab sushi lunch and letting my playlist guide me. It was magnificent! And so very necessary.
See, even with the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I cannot do more than 3 days of 24/7 together time. It doesn’t mean I love him less, or he isn’t the right match. It just means I require some inter-dependency in a relationship. Some alone time, with my head phones on, and only myself to cater to or depend on from time to time.
Being in love, marriage, partnership doesn’t require we are attached at the hip at all times. In fact, most folks in long term relationships that report in being happiest, always call out separate hobbies and interests, as well as shared ones. These people prioritize SELF care and SELF love. They value the time they spend with themselves, as much as the time they spend together.
If you can’t enjoy your own company, and take yourself out on a great date from time to time, then you will always be looking to other to make you feel… loved, happy, content, and desired. Whilst people can add to our vault of love, happiness and care… they should never be the sole provider.
Trust me, my dear, your relationship will thank you for it!
What is the deciding factor in relationships that go the distance and those that don’t? No matter what status you would file your relationship under, ‘happy’ , ‘okay’, ‘on the rocks’ or ‘its complicated’, you can build a partnership that is no just surviving, but THRIVING and one that can truly go the distance. Even the happiest of partnerships, require sustained effort in order to stay that way.
Ahhhh “Date Nights”, it’s the calling card of most relationship experts and magazine fodder to couples who are struggling to connect.
Sure, you started out on this road side by side, and then life does what life does. Careers take off, layoffs happen, family members get ill, bills mount, adorable kids rampage, after school activities take over, and first, you met those challenges together. Then, needs must, and you split your resources to head off to put out one fire or another whilst the other did the same and now, you feel so very far apart, you’re not sure how you are ever going to meet in the middle and connect again
And on some nights, a blissful night of watching your fav shows will suffice however in this weeks LOVE LETTER I want to offer you up some serious supercharge ideas to true connection that will traverse the chasm and endear you and your partner to each other much more significantly.
For most of us, date nights are stolen dinners out, hopefully not looking at our phones, and often fraught with keeping the convo engaged and inspired. We promise to NOT talk about the kids, or work but then… WTAF is there left to talk about?!?
Let’s take this whole DATE NIGHT concept, and dust off the cobwebs!
Photo by Isaiah McClean on Unsplash
Studies have shown that when people participate in an activity together, a unique bond that is formed. And BOND is powerful connection.
Dance class is a classic, heck, many a rom-com has even featured it HOWEVER there is so much more than that cliché date night to be had.
AJ Garcia via Unpslash.com
Here are some shiny star ideas to jump start you into your very next date night! From those that cost the big bucks to some that cost little to nothing.
Photo by sept commercial on Unsplash
I know some of the above ideas, will be a trifecta for many of you!
Now, take the above, let your fingers to the walking on Google, check out groupon, and even your local town hall board and supercharge your next date night.
P.S. And to all my fab singletons reading this... erm HELLLLLO great 3rd, 4th and 5th date ideas that pack some serious connection punch right here! Begin as you mean to go on, dearest ones. xx
Whilst there are as many ways to flesh out the many facets and unique paths towards a ‘healthy relationship’ there are a few basic fundamental points that are universal and if we want the journey of love and partnership to thrive and be a well paved smooth road, we need to navigate the three primary relationships highways, with great care.
Image credit: stephane delval via unpslash.com
One of the basic principals of coaching, for me the coach, is to never assume you know, what I know. Confession time! I don’t always get that right. And over the last few weeks, it’s become apparent that this very topic is one of the ways, I’ve fallen down, as a coach. And today, I RECTIFY THAT! WOOT!
This is not one of those millennial races, where every one get’s a prize… there is one clear winner for the best and healthiest type of engagement in relationships.
In today’s LOVE LETTER I am going to present the big three, and YOU, dearest one, are going to tell me, what you think is the #1 health winner. Hop on, LET’S RIDE!
Co-dependent relationships are one of the most common ailments I come across in my coaching practice.
Here is the dictionary definition of CO-DEPENDANT.
Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
Right now, you might be thinking OH SNAP, BEEN THERE BOUGHT THE T SHIRT!
Or you might be saying, Hey drug addiction>? Mental health? That’s not been my relationship experience!
Co-dependent relationships are toxic for ALL who are involved, it enables the person we are trying to fix and it stifles our own happiness and ability to self create happiness from within.
Dictionary definition of INDEPENDENT = Free from outside control. Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.
Whilst this does affect more of my single Love Coaching clients, it’s also not uncommon with those in relationships. Independence is not a bad thing. In fact this feminist LOVES her some independence! Hellllo free from outside control! YASSS!
Human beings often connect most meaningfully in the exchange of love and through acts of contribution. If we are too independent to truly receive from others, we in effect make them redundant. And most people want to feel they play an active, impactful role on others lives. That they can contribute sustenance, whether that be emotional, mental, spiritual or even financial.
image credit: Evertone Vila via Unsplash.com
Definition = mutually dependent; depending on each other creating a framework of partnership.
Interdependent relationships mean relying on each other for mutual support. Adding to someone’s happiness, however not being the sole font for that person’s happiness. We are open to give and receive within healthy boundaries, where asked, where appropriate whilst still allowing and even expecting self-sufficiency, too. Interdependent t partnerships do not necessarily mean everything is split down the middle 50/50, but instead means that each individuals assets and limitations are valued and utilized for an overall sense of equality.
You can be in an interdependent relationship where one spouse is the overall ‘bread winner’ whilst the other spouse is provides the highly valuable ( yet wildly un monetized) service of childcare. In a healthy interdependent relationships, those roles do not have to correlate with traditional gender roles, and yet they still can, if that is what works best for your relationship.
I do hope the above offers you a very clear and easy to apply standard for relationships.
Can’t wait to hear your responses in the comments!
xx
