relationship coaching

SAVE MY MARRIAGE! The conflict resolution edition

Where does one start, in saving a marriage/partnership? 

Obviously this varies from couple to couple, however where we typically start and end, is with communication. 

 

EFFECTIVE communication is a relationship is key.  No matter how shut down and volatile state clients may arrive to me in, they are actively communicating still, but not in an effective way.  Throwing a tea cup across the room, using the silent treatment, raised voices, name calling, slamming doors, sleeping on the sofa… all speak volumes in some way however not in a way that moves us towards understanding and conflict resolution.

 

What’s the very first step towards creating effective communication?

I start with helping clients get a better grasp of what the words ‘conflict’ and ‘confrontation’ really means.

Too many of us view conflict and confrontation as a bad things.  We expend so much energy, time and even money to avoid conflict with others, to swerve confronting others or being confronted,  both personally and professionally, mainly because it causes us great discomfort.   Somewhere along the line, we learned and had it re-enforced that conflict is something to be avoided at all costs and confronting others will always end badly.


The reality is, conflict is not just a good thing, but absolutely 100% natural and necessary to create growth and increase our understanding of others and even enhance our world view.     ‘Conflict’ may be used to describe war zones however its not limited in its definition to that singular meaning.   In fact, war is most often a direct result of two or more entities being unable to resolve their original conflicts.


Confrontation is about speaking up for ourselves, is also a requirement in defining boundaries, and without confrontation we can’t create a space where we as individuals, and couples can thrive.


Any two people who have come together, no matter how similar the backgrounds, or upbringing, or ideals, or opinions will have some differences, and even if just occasionally, have those differences brushed up against one another and result in conflict. 

 

In our modern fast fashion, throw away, instant click culture,  many couples hit the eject button at the very first sign of conflict.  

In fact, most of my single clients, define their ideal relationship as being ‘easy’.  Oh my, the look in their eyes when I reveal that ALL relationships take work and that thinking that finding ‘the one’ equates to someone you never have conflict with simply because their some magical unicorn, is a large part of why they have been so unsuccessful in love.

Conflict and confrontation can bring out the worst in us, however if we learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy way, to value and have out voice heard, it can bring out the best in us, and bring a couple closer than ever.   Dealing with our belief system around these words, how we view and approach conflict, how we take a stand for what is important to us, are the very first healthy tools in conflict resolution. 

 

What are your fears around conflict and confronting others? 

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State of the Union; A Top Relationship Skill

NO. This is NOT another blog about politics! Whew!

This is an email about a crucial relationship tool that every thriving couple needs in their repertoire.

One of the tools I teach couples to incorporate at least annually, if not quarterly is the skill of having open conversations about where they are at, where they want to go, and what is and is not working in their relationships, and in their lives.

If you can’t come together, and have these sometimes hard but wonderfully productive chats with our partners… free of judgement, free of blow back… then you will miss out on a the life transforming aspect of partnership. See, ‘we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life’ (thanks PRINCE!) and if we are not in relationships, that are true partnerships, where we can have a free flow exchange of ideas and support, then what is the point of it all?


Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash

When is the last time you asked your partner what they were happy about in their lives? What they wanted to see change?

Notice, I DID NOT even go there on the relationship yet?!? We are not here to just check in on the relationship, but also check in on the person who means so very much to us in this world. To express concern and also to offer care, if needed.

Today, I wanted to provide you with an super beginners, easy template to get your very own ‘State of The Union’ talk going.

Cause’ darling, SURVIVING is not enough… I want you two to THRIVE!

 

Remember, this is a two way street. You BOTH need to answer these questions.

It may be an impromptu conversation, however, often a bit of warning works best. Give each other time to think about these questions, before you meet to have this chat.

First, outline some ground rules. This isn’t a ‘WE NEED TO TALK’ doom and gloom exercise. This isn’t an opportunity to argue or to defend your corner. This is about a safe space, where we can open up, get honest, and take great care of one another! Think of this as a general health check up at the doctors.

Ready? Here we go!

Part one: Health check on your partner’s overall happiness.

  • What went really well for you, in your life, this year?

  • Is there any part of your life, you are not happy with? What would you like to see happen differently?

  • What can I do to help?




Part Two: Health check on your relationship together

  • How are WE doing?

  • Is there anything you think needs to change or improve in our relationship?

  • Have I done anything to hurt you or cause you worry?

  • What can I do to be a better partner for you?

  • When we have this conversation, this time next year, what NEEDS to change between us? And what NEEDS to stay the same?

  • Would it be easier if we had outside help to accomplish these relationship goals?

female-235666_1280.jpg

Super basic, right? Notice, this isn’t a bitch fest. This isn’t just focusing on the bad, but also and starting with, what is going well.

Try not to cherry pick this list too much. There is a method to this madness. Starting in a positive place, and starting on you as individuals, is by design. A very evolved expert design, dearest one!

I would LOVE to hear back from you, how our conversations went! Drop me a comment below.

And if you feel that some outside help, some education in relationships skills, is what is needed… I’m here for you.


Already my client diary is getting booked up and busy with new clients who want to start 2023 off in a new, healthier and thriving direction. I invite you to be one of them.

Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love call below.

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The Five Love Languages Valentines Day Guide For Couples (Copy)

For this weeks love letter to those fighting the good fight to keep their love thriving, I wanted to talk about how to introduce the powerful tool that is The Five Love Languages to ensure that this year, that extra special message of love, really resonates.

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She wanted a divorce but then...

She wanted a divorce but then...

Most couples call me at the bitter ends, when separation seems like the only solution to the boiling point of their acrimonious partnerships.  It’s almost as if they feel they have to check the ‘we sought professional help’ box before they can throw in the towel.  This week, I wanted to share with you a clients story, of coming into relationship coaching thinking and feeling like divorce was the only way forward, however what happened next surprised us all.  

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Gratitude as a relationship saver, yay or nay?

I’m a big fan of gratitude.  Practicing gratitude can begin as easily as taking a few moments to list out everything we are grateful for, the good things in our lives, our partners and in our partnerships.  By the time we call out even 7 or 10 items,  our perspective of ourselves, our relationship and even the world we live in can shift dramatically.  .  Practicing gratitude can do us a necessary favour of balancing the scales of what is going wrong and what is going right. This perspective shift, releases serotonin in the brain, which floods our senses with the feelings of pleasure and happiness

Powerful stuff, for sure. 

HOWEVER… Utilising gratitude in this manner often offers a short term solution to a much longer term problem.  

Gratitude is an action word. 

Gratitude is NOT an inanimate list we possess, to be looked at whenever we need a pick me up or some perspective.

Gratitude is NOT a state of being as a result of making lists of items we are grateful. 

Gratitude is NOT a statement of intention, a bold claim we offer ourselves and others. 

 

GRATITUDE IS A VERB, and it only truly exists through our actions. 

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

To truly bring a practice of gratitude into our relationships, means a daily ritual of action. It requires making firm decisions to act, respond and engage differently.  How do we harness gratitude, to exact tangible change in how we move through the world, through our love?  

 

If you are unsure on how to answer that question, how to DO different, to shift life long, relationship long learned behaviours, in order to express gratitude in action and save your partnership…  I can help. 

 

Gratitude in action for me, looks like teaching others the hard won tools I have learned over years of study, professional practice and personal failures and successes, to transform how my clients give, receive, respond and engage with love.    I offer a Relationships 101 of sorts, to help people create clear effective communication, healthy conflict resolution, respect for themselves and their partners, and a much needed resurgence of kindness and compassion.   The tools necessary to truly take that momentary boost of gratitude and turn it into a well oiled practice of gratitude that revolutionises how we live and love.

 

Sound like something worth exploring, dearest one? 

 

Book in your FREE Breakthrough to Love call, and we can spend some time discussing how our can move towards one another again. 

 
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Self Care During Crisis Tip#1- How Your Relationship Survives A Pandemic

So, it probably FEELS LIKE day 3,046 of working at home with your partner, right now.  , I get it.  The Hubba Hubba has been working from home since last Friday, and has completely taken over the office, and taken with him, some of sanity and what feels like, all my precious alone time! 


Most of us have our own little worlds, away from our partners.  We have long stretches of time, socializing with colleagues, clients and intense work that requires focus. Or we have the super busy full time job of parenting, and not only is our partner all up in our biz right now, THE SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED??!?!   Lawwwwwd, what fresh hell is this?!  

Suddenly over night, day to day life as we know it has dramatically changed.  And not just in the oh, we share an office now, kinda way... but swirling around out there in the world is a news feed tornado of germs, politics, death tolls, worrying about older family members, empty store shelves, anger, fear, anxiety, denial, misinformation...and for some of us, leaving to go work in the park or at the coffee shop is not even an option, in this post lock down existence!

I overheard a divorce lawyer saying last week, his business would be booming when all the dust settles and the virus clears the air...  YIKES!

woman-3797696_1280.jpg
 

Um, yeah.  So here I am, inboxing you with the first of many self care tips for you, and your relationship!


This tip right here, has been my very own mantra this past 10 days... it has helped keep me centered, calm and present for myself and those I love... on most days.  (Um...I may or may not have fake coughed at the person who was breathing down my neck in line yesterday, while I was giving the person in front of me 6 feet of social distance...)  Ommmmmmmmm  :)

Today, I offer this #1 tip, my mantra, up on the altar of self care during crisis!

90704481_10157796423050310_4034264627968737280_n.jpg
 

BE KIND & QUICK TO FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS, NOW MORE THAN EVER!

Never before, have we needed to extend all the kindness and forgiveness to ourselves and others, than right here, right now. 



The most natural human response to such a threatening, uncertain time like we are living through right now... is FEAR, ANXIETY and DENIAL.

And, for those three gremlins to come out sideways as anger, outrage and toxic positivity.

This pandemic is scary. Full stop!  


Maybe you are the one with the short fuse... OR out there refusing to social distance because then, it feels too real... OR snapping at the ones you love... OR panic buying because it makes you feel in control during such a vulnerable, powerless situation.  

Maybe you are the one getting angry and resentful watching others do the above!


Either way, shaming ourselves or others... standing on the mountain top of self righteousness, and generally beating ourselves and our partners up right now?  None of those things, are clinically proven to stop the spread and symptoms of Covid 19.

They are not serving you, dearest one. 

Right now, more than ever, we need to extend kindness to ourselves and others and be really REALLY quick to forgive. 

Image Credit: Priscilla Du Prez via Unsplash

Image Credit: Priscilla Du Prez via Unsplash

 


We are truly living in unusual times, and the way people respond and our own behaviors are coming from a primal place of fear. 

Seek out ways today you can greet yourself and others with kind words and actions.

Grab onto forgiveness with both hands, when you or others fall short.

The only way through this, is together! 


Stay tuned, as I will be posting more tips for self care during this tumultuous time.

 
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State of the Union; A Top Relationship Skill

NO. This is NOT another email about politics! Whew!

This is an email about a crucial relationship tool that every thriving couple needs in their repertoire.

This is the exact time of year, where between the manic chaos that can be the holiday season, we have that pervading need to reflect. The whole ‘new year, new you’ bonanza is almost upon us, and before we can look forward, its natural to look back on our year.

Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash

One of the tools I teach couples to incorporate at least annually, if not semi-annually is the skill of having open conversations about where they are at, where they want to go, and what is and is not working in their relationships, and in their lives.

If you can’t come together, and have these sometimes hard but wonderfully productive chats with our partners… free of judgement, free of blow back… then you will miss out on a the life transforming aspect of partnership. See, ‘we are gathered here today, to get through this thing called life’ (thanks PRINCE!) and if we are not in relationships, that are true partnerships, where we can have a free flow exchange of ideas and support, then what is the point of it all?

Photo by Banter Snaps on Unsplash

When is the last time you asked your partner what they were happy about in their lives? What they wanted to see change?

Notice, I DID NOT even go there on the relationship yet?!? We are not here to just check in on the relationship, but also check in on the person who means so very much to us in this world. To express concern and also to offer care, if needed.

Today, I wanted to provide you with an super beginners, easy template to get your very own ‘State of The Union’ talk going.

Cause’ darling, SURVIVING is not enough… I want you two to THRIVE!

Photo by John O'Nolan on Unsplash

Remember, this is a two way street. You BOTH need to answer these questions.

It may be an impromptu conversation, however, often a bit of warning works best. Give each other time to think about these questions, before you meet to have this chat.

First, outline some ground rules. This isn’t a ‘WE NEED TO TALK’ doom and gloom exercise. This isn’t an opportunity to argue or to defend your corner. This is about a safe space, where we can open up, get honest, and take great care of one another! Think of this as a general health check up at the doctors.

Ready? Here we go!

Part one: Health check on your partner’s overall happiness.

  • What went really well for you, in your life, this year?

  • Is there any part of your life, you are not happy with? What would you like to see happen differently?

  • What can I do to help?




Part Two: Health check on your relationship together

  • How are WE doing?

  • Is there anything you think needs to change or improve in our relationship?

  • Have I done anything to hurt you or cause you worry?

  • What can I do to be a better partner for you?

  • When we have this conversation, this time next year, what NEEDS to change between us? And what NEEDS to stay the same?

  • Would it be easier if we had outside help to accomplish these relationship goals?

female-235666_1280.jpg

Super basic, right? Notice, this isn’t a bitch fest. This isn’t just focusing on the bad, but also and starting with, what is going well.

Try not to cherry pick this list too much. There is a method to this madness. Starting in a positive place, and starting on you as individuals, is by design. A very evolved expert design, dearest one!

I would LOVE to hear back from you, how our conversations went! Drop me a comment below.

And if you feel that some outside help, some education in relationships skills, is what is needed… I’m here for you.


Already my client diary is getting booked up and busy with new clients who want to start 2020 off in a new, healthier and thriving direction. I invite you to be one of them.

Book in your FREE 45 minute Breakthrough to Love call below.

Absolute privacy respect. No spam, EVER.
GDPR Compliance
Marketing by