Self Care During Crisis Tip #7: PUT PEN TO PAPER!

Who knew, when I launched this Self Care During Crisis series, we would still be here, in lock down 4+ weeks later!?!   I don't know about you, but week 4 was a real b%tch!  I entered the doldrums zone... week one was fueled by anxiety, week 2 was the motivation to do all kinds of things around the house and for my business, week 3 almost felt like normal, but week 4, well, I hit a wall.

How your pandemic going?


Regardless of how long this goes on for, know this... I  am here for you!  And I'm more convinced then ever, that peppering my usual dating & relationships messages w/ self care, was and is the best way I can be of service to you, during this tragic and difficult time.

Self care and your own mental well being, plays a direct role in how you give and receive love!

Onward and upwards, my darling!   Let's get to the next sanity saving self care tip!

Emotionally regulating can be a huge challenge when our minds are whirring along at a 1000 thoughts per minute.  This week, I want to encourage you to empty out all those thoughts onto the page.   All the emotions, fears, anxieties, anger, frustration swirling around in your mind, put the pen to paper, and dump them you.

Some of you may recognize as similar to The Morning Pages, in the Artists Way.  And the concept is similar, with a bit of a twist.   Take out a journal or blank page, and just starting writing ANYTHING that comes up.  Even if you have to start by writing 'blah, blah, blah, to get the hand moving and the brain juices flowing.  

This is a free write, with no care for grammar, spelling or even if it makes any sense whatsoever.  Visualize you taking your head off your shoulders, giving it a good shake, and dumping all your thoughts in there, onto the page.

Image credit: neven krcmarek via unsplash

This is a clearing out, a purge. Nothing more, nothing less.

When you are done, take a deep breath, fold the page or close your journal and leave all your fears, anger, anxiety, emotions and frustration there.


There is a lot of neuroscience to back up how the brain and hand connect deeply in the writing process.  Let is all flow out of your mind, through your pen, and leave it all there on the page! 


Feel free to do it morning or night or in the middle of the day, when you are feeling overwhelmed and need a good ol' tidy up in that head of yours!

I have already had some many clients tell me what a gift this practice has been in their life.  I can't wait to hear from you, how it works for you, dearest one.

Self Care During Crisis Tip#4 - Gratitude!

Today's Tip for self care during crisis, is one centered in gratitude.

We are all experiencing this pandemic collectively, at once yet each of our experiences will vary.  Some of us are simply working from home, instead of at the office, some are living in lock down, self isolating, temporarily out of work, quarantined or working like crazy in essential services,
REGARDLESS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP STATUS... I wanted to take some time to offer whatever help I could. 


I was speaking to a dear friend last week, she is a first year nursing student, and her placement was moved up to work in a hospital for on the job training, due to Covid 19.   On her first day, ever... she witnessed someone die from this virus.  She had never seen anyone die before, let alone on her very first day, overwhelmed in the busy ICU, and it was traumatic.  

Life is short.  No one of us knows the expiration date, even those who are diagnosed with terminal illnesses are given approximations of how much time is left.

Shortly after I hung up with my friend, the UK hung out their windows, came out on their front steps and out on their balconies to cheer for the NHS staff, carers and front line workers.  It was a tearjerker, an overwhelming coming together of giving thanks.

Her story, and this outpouring of support, got me diving deeply into gratitude.

Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash

I'm count myself very fortunate, that I was introduced to the concept of gratitude and gratitude lists in my late teens.  For over 20 years I have experiences the profound impact gratitude can have on my perspective, mental health and well being.

Gratitude does not solve problems, it will not erase the bad things happening.  What gratitude does is right size my thinking and my focus.  It is a strong reminder that, even on the days I feel like the world is going to hell in a handbag, my entire life isn't!

Today, I invite you to utilize gratitude as an act of great care for yourself during these traumatic and unusual times.

It's an easy thing to do, super quick, and change how you are feeling right side round.

Start, end or stop your day and do a gratitude list! 

Call out 10 things you are thankful for, now more than ever. 

I do strongly recommend you do this in writing.  Or open up the notes app on your phone, and type away.

The neuroscience between the connection and internalization of information when we write it down, is well proven.   It also makes us really stop the hamster wheel of thoughts and focus.

Here is my Gratitude List for today, I hope it inspires you to write your own, and as always, feel free to hit the reply button and send it to me.

Today, I am grateful for....

1. My health!

2. My partner's health!

3. My families & friend's health!

4. The internet and divine connection it is giving me to friends, family and clients during this lock down world I now live in.

5. That my partner was freaking out about this pandemic 6 weeks ago and 'made' me go out and buy anti bac gel, wipes and some canned goods.  I was humoring him at the time, trying to ease his anxiety... he was soooooo right!

6. Some downtime to write YOU more emails like this and to finally do the hard graft of putting together an online version of my coaching!

7. My girl gang of singles over at the Feminista Seeks Love fb group, we are holding each other in a very special sacred space right now.

8. We have all the food we need.  So many people are not in that same situation!

9. That no more what life has thrown at me, I have always bounced back.  And no matter what happens next, I know I can do it again!

10. My incredible, solid citizen, husband. He is the calm in the storm!

11. That I did not kill him during his first week of working from home, talking loudly and leaving dishes everywhere, at the desk next to mine. He is truly a keeper!

12. For our little dog Parker, who is the ultimate therapy dog at times like this!

13. That I have the ability and kindness to help out my elderly neighbors.

14. For my fab job, of helping people love and be loved!  What a dream and a gift!

Wow, I blew past 10, right to 14, easy peasy!  And, you can too!



Give it a try, xx

As always I hope this message inspires you to take care of yourself during this crisis. 



And remember, self care also looks like THIS right now!

Photo by Sandie Clarke on Unsplash

When Going It Alone In Your Relationship Can Be A Love Saver!

Some days you just have to go it alone, in your relationship

This is me, out and about in Amsterdam, all by myself, on a recent trip my husband and I took to see his family in the Netherlands.

See, I don’t know about you, but I have a peopling limit. Like, I’m talking getting to a place where I am peopled theAF out. (I also like to make up words, like peopling and peopled. Just go with it).

People often assume I am quite extroverted, as I can be the life of the party, and have had careers where networking, working closely with people and developing meaningful relationships is something I do excel at… but here is the real deal. I am actually quite introverted and require a hefty amount of alone time to feel at my best.


Whilst on our dutch adventure earlier this month, after 3 days of family visits, and wandering around with my partner day and night, I was D O N E. It was high time… for some solo time, and I am not afraid to ask for what I need.


I sent the Hubba Hubba off for a day with his mom, and I played tourist all day, roaming the city, having a fab sushi lunch and letting my playlist guide me. It was magnificent! And so very necessary.

See, even with the man I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I cannot do more than 3 days of 24/7 together time. It doesn’t mean I love him less, or he isn’t the right match. It just means I require some inter-dependency in a relationship. Some alone time, with my head phones on, and only myself to cater to or depend on from time to time.

Being in love, marriage, partnership doesn’t require we are attached at the hip at all times. In fact, most folks in long term relationships that report in being happiest, always call out separate hobbies and interests, as well as shared ones. These people prioritize SELF care and SELF love. They value the time they spend with themselves, as much as the time they spend together.



If you can’t enjoy your own company, and take yourself out on a great date from time to time, then you will always be looking to other to make you feel… loved, happy, content, and desired. Whilst people can add to our vault of love, happiness and care… they should never be the sole provider.

What have you done, just for you, today?

Are you nurturing your own hobbies and interests?

Do you value your alone time?

Trust me, my dear, your relationship will thank you for it!

Looking forward to your comments on this weeks LOVE LETTER! xx

For Every Partnership In Crisis, There is THREE relationships within in that must be healed!

For every one partnership in crisis, there are, at least, three relationships that need to be healed, within it.

It’s not unusual for me to have a clients who come on as a couple, who require a few sessions each, to themselves.  Often, they don’t realise that when we have our initial consultation.  However, I find it really helpful to actually separate them, before we can work together towards the healing of their relationship.  Why?

There is a long list of reasons couples find themselves in crisis. Some of these we need to confront, challenge and heal as a team, whilst others can only be done by the individuals themselves. Before we can heal the relationship between them, we need to heal the relationship they have with themselves.

Only a strong, healthy individual can participate in building and sustaining a healthy partnership.

When we, as individuals, lose our identity and self-esteem, to marriage and family, to our jobs and roles as providers, to being carers, bouts of depression, and to the many life changes that can consume us… like losing family members, building a business, children leaving the home for university, changing careers, retirement… we have to focus first on our relationship with ourselves, before we can truly address the issues within our partnership.

It is my job, as a coach, to help re-awaken not just the love you have for each other but the love for you have for yourself, too.

Many of clients, not only are lacking in the self love department, their basic self-care has disappeared into the hustle bustle of life. We cannot offer water to others, when our vessel is empty.

In order to really dig into self-love and self care, we must first get down to the worthy work of identifying your core values and the action it takes to live in alignment so we are thriving as person, not just as a couple.

When we are living a life, aligned with our values, we are at our most happy, content and fulfilled… and we easily open up to new possibilities and to the power of healing.

Are you living and loving your best life as an individual? 

 

If not, living and loving your best life as a couple, will never happen.  #truestory

Before I run back off to fighting that good fight for love with my private clients... I want to send a special message to my beloved LGBTQ tribe of followers.

Photo by Yannis Papanastasopoulos on Unsplash

LOVE IS LOVE - HAPPY PRIDE MONTH!

Attain THE cornerstone to LOVE

Oh my, this week’s topic applies to ALL of us. 

This week’s Love Letter is focused intently on the very cornerstone that any search for love or attempts to nurture love, rests upon. 

Our individual level of self-esteem.

photo credit; Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash
 

We cannot have meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with other human beings, if we first do not have a meaningful, healthy, long lasting connection with ourselves. 

Doubt, distrust, resentment, anger, fear, unclear communications, poor conflict resolution, are all typical symptons of low self-esteem.  Whilst empowerment, confidence, goodwill and yes, LOVE… need the fertile soil of high self-esteem in which to take root and grow!

Before we dive in, allow me to clarify, from the very start, some of the confusion around Self Esteem. 

Many of us think that Confidence and Self Worth (or self-esteem) are one in the same.  Let’s pull those two things apart, right now.

Confidence is our outward bravery. 

Confidence is the value we wish to show the rest of the world and what is reflected back to us. Confidence can be called upon in the moment, we can pep talk ourselves into confidence before you walk into that big meeting at the office or showing u p for the first day of a course, or before walking into social situations and event. 

WARNING. Confidence is TEMPORARY. 

That’s okay, temporary is what confidence does best.  It just means confidence has an expiration date.  That expiration date, is directly triggered by our self-esteem.

SELF-ESTEEM is our inner bravery.  

Self -Esteem (or Self-Worth) is how we truly value ourselves, for ourselves. It can also be how we believe we are valued on a universal level.  Are we deserving? Are we a good person?  Exactly how smart, funny, kind, beautiful do WE believe we are?   No one can define our self-worth, our internal value, but us. 

The more self-esteem we have, the longer and more genuine our confidence (the projection of that value) lasts.

Self-esteem is an issue that arises for every person I speak with and coach.  EVERY PERSON. Regardless of relationship status.

Photo by Jared Erondu on Unsplash

So how do we garner higher self-esteem?  The simplest answer to that is do to estimable things.  Acts of contribution, giving, care and love worthy of great respect.  

So… okay, how what exactly does THAT look like? 

When 'the patient comes' to me, complaining of, or displaying low self-esteem, the very first thing I do is check the their vitals.

I ask them, what do they do to love and care for themselves?  What estimable acts, what actions of self-love and self care is part of their DAILY practice? 

For some, the concept of self-care and self-love is alien.  For others, these concepts though familiar, have been cut away.

Sometimes, life gets hectic. Careers, relationships, dating, heartbreak, kids, aging parents, and for way too many of us, the first person to be bumped down the priority list, is US!  Acts of kindness and care for ourselves get cancelled out of the diary, put off to tomorrow or next week. 

We can’t make that yoga class this week.  No time for guided mediation, need to read this research instead. We find ourselves skipping meals;  no time for breakfast, totally forget to eat lunch or devour something fast and not so healthy at our desks.   Sleep becomes elusive. No time to see friends, too much on our mind to have a giggle.  Our hobbies, that give us such pleasure and joy, maybe next week!  Holidays, museum days, going for long walks in the countryside… they’ll have to wait too. We’re just to busy; such and such needs my attention, so and so needs my care, this and that needs to get done! It will have to wait,  I WILL HAVE TO WAIT!

We are so busy caring for others, meeting our boss's needs, our partners, our children, taking yet another call from a client, a heartbroken friend, or the school, or our parent.  We lose any regular practice of self-love. We find ourselves, our happiness and pleasure first on the sacrificial alter. 

Yes.  Caring for others, making a contribution to the world around us, both small and large are crucial estimable acts HOWEVER today, I want to challenge you... to bump yourself to to the tippy top of the priority list!

We simply cannot go out into the world, with our pitcher filled with water, pouring it out wherever we go, without making sure we are regularly filling it up again, and again.

So here is my challenge to you, if you choose to accept it, that WILL help you garner higher self esteem in just 7 days!!!

photocredit; Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Challenge Phase 1:

Make a list of at least 10 items you know are acts of self-care and self-love for you, and you alone.

Ten actions that bring you calm, happiness, wellbeing, pleasure and physical and mental health.

(this could be... yoga, reading a good book, long walk in the countryside, chocolate, spa day, running, facials, fav pod cast, coaching, time with nephews and nieces, spin class, jumping in the sea, fancy meal out, antiquing, live music, positive affirmations, therapy, lunch in the sunshine, open mic nights, and on and on and on!)

Challenge Phase 2:

Take some time here and line by line, item by item, make a numerical notation next to each item that correspond with how many times you actually participated and partook in each of these estimable acts of self care.. in the last 14 days.  

Ex. Here is my personal list.

1.     Ride my motorcycle (0)

2.     Yoga/Pilates. (1)

3.     Meditation (1)

4.     A day at the seaside (2)

5.     Dinner or coffee with friends (1)

6.     Ice cream (!!) (2)

7.     Going out for comedy/theatre (0)

8.     Getting a Massage (1)

9.     Bicycle ride (1)

10.  Getting out of the office every day (3)

Challenge Phase 3: 

Take out your calendar/diary and schedule in SOMETHING every day. 

It doesn’t have to be an hour yoga class… maybe 15 minutes on a Yoga app before bed?  It may not be 30 minutes of mediation at 7am, but instead a sleep mediation you find on youtube you use at bedtime.  It may not be dinner with friends, but scheduling in a 10 minute phone call to your bestie for a giggle. 

Intentionally CARVE out 5 minutes on one day,  20 minutes on another, 1-2 hours on a Sunday.. whatever it takes to implement even the smallest act of self care, EACH DAY.   It’s high time, you make YOU the first stop on the self esteem your, and fill that pitcher.

Maybe you don’t have a top 10!?!   Maybe you have never EVER considered yourself, your needs, your desires, your care as a priority?  Maybe you’re not even sure what makes you happy? 

WELCOME dearest one.   You're in the right place!

I challenge you to come up with a list, let your fingers to the walking on google “What is self love?”,  carve out those same blocks in your dairy with the notation ‘Find my joy!’ and “Self care’. Go out and experiment till you find your Top 10 list!

Challenge Phase 4: 

Comment below your lists!  This will also provide those who are struggling to come up with 10 self care acts with a fodder of ideas to try, so you get some points for contribution!  Oooooh!

Post how you got on with putting you towards the top of that priority list this coming week! 

Let me know how you are feeling AND how you believe this has effected your interactions and ability to contribute with and to others in your path!

I do hope you accept this 7 day Self-Esteem Challenge and boost that self esteem by engaging with some real kindness, care and joy for yourself... as it will revolutionize how you find, attract, give and receive LOVE!