Has lock down changed dating? [LOVE LETTER}

I am gleefully easing back into our normally scheduled program @ Love Letters, as the light of the lock down tunnel grows brighter.  You will still see some Self Care During Crisis tips being sent out, which I truly hope has helped to ease your path with some much needed coping skills during this pandemic, but it's time to jump back in to the love talk, with both feet baby!

So how has lock down changed the dating world?  And, what extended impact will Covid 19 have on your search for love, moving forward?


This has been a crazy couple of months, and for many the initial reaction to facing lock down was 'Whelp. there goes any chance of a love life!'  

However that couldn't be further from the truth.   Love always finds a way.  

I have had so many clients navigating dating during lock down, and discovering there are some huge pluses. 

How has the world of dating weathered a pandemic?  

Well, it's actually flourished!  This, is how and why.

Photo by Allie on Unsplash

THE HOW:

Ya' know how it feels like all your days are spend on video calls lately?  Along with work meetings and family calls, that's where dating moved too.  Zoom, Whatsapp Video Calls, Facetime, you name it, people have been meeting up to have a date on it.  And I do mean, dates... some go as far as making dinners to eat across a candle lit screen together! 

It may sound strange, even crazy.  You may be reading this with a wrinkled 'oh no I won't' nose right now... but it's happening and you are missing out on something truly transformational in online dating, since the first online dating app launched!
What is really lovely about this new pandemic wave format of dating, is that it pumps the breaks on the physical aspect and can super charge the intimacy building aspect of dating, which we have all been missing!

You can actually spend quality time, talking to someone and not just worried if they want a one night stand.

I have guided many of my private clients to up their virtual dates, by doing an online pub quiz, or doing a game night... either by participating in the loads being put on by others, or creating a game to be played just the two of them.  And, beyond raising the fun factor, it's made each of them feel like they actually went out for a night! 

('Going out' what are those words I am saying? I mean, i can't remember what 'Going Out' or 'Plans For the Evening' even mean anymore lol)

The dating industry, has followed virtual suit.  Moving speed dating and singles nights online, with great success.

People are finding that taking a physical step back from face to face dates, has proven to be a massive step forward in building more authentic connections.



Is it solely just online dating, extending to further 'online' dating? 

Many people are have 3-6 virtual dates and then, depending on how well those go, moving to meeting people in real time.  SAFELY!

This is a virus no one wants to mess with, and social distancing is proven to stop the spread.  So how do you date, while socially distancing?

Here are some great ideas, that people are loving right now AND are safe to pursue.

Original Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

SOCIALLY DISTANCED...

• Park Walks! 

• Picnics!

• Sunset drinks!

• Going for a run!

• Gazebo BYOB cocktails!

Outdoor dates are fab, because not only are you keeping healthy by staying 2 meters/6 feet away, you are in a well ventilated atmosphere.  Make sure you bring your own picnic or drinks and stay within the recommended Covid guidelines.



One of the greatest tools for dealing with attachment issues that cause us to go a bit crazy with fantasy OR get our running shoes on, is to slllllooowwwww down.   And this pandemic has slowed down dating, and the results can be pretty magnificent.

Photo by Kimberly Mears on Unsplash

So WHY is lock down changing the dating game and driving more authentic connections than ever?
​​First and foremost, the chemicals released on the brain during crisis, are EXTREMELY similar to those released when we fall in love.

Seeking out alliances, connections and community is a natural survival response to threat.  There is more power in numbers.   Back at the beginning of this whole mess, I sent out a love letter warning against falling in love too quickly during a pandemic, with very good reason.

HOWEVER,  it's not all bad. 
​
I know this pandemic has created an opportunity for many of us to take stock, re-evaluate and re-group around what's really important in life. This will naturally extend to our love lives, as well.   Its been a scary few months, and facing it alone, can really spot light our singleton status. Isolation during lock down, brings the very natural human emotion of loneliness right to the forefront for everyone, regardless of relationship status.  

The long lasting impact as we come out of Covid 19,  will be desiring connection and partnership will rise up.  People will be dating more intentionally and with a greater sense of purpose.



If you are already on the virtual dating train, I would love to hear some of your stories.  If you feel inspired by this email to jump in with both feet...

COMMENT BELOW… OR join us over at our girl gang fb group, click here ----> FEMINISTA SEEKS LOVE.

Your Singleton's Valentines Survival Guide

Welcome To Your Singleton Valentines Day Survival Guide or...dare I say it THRIVAL guide?!? 

Heck Yes!

Yup, just a couple of weeks, till one of the most dreaded holidays of the singles calendar is upon us!  Yikes! 

And even though we know that V Day is a ridiculously commercialized money grabbing holiday, we still feel it.  It’s one of those annual days in the year where being without a partner, seems rubbed in our faces, in a special kinda hell way.

As tempting as it is, to dissociate from this whole day via a good head in the sand, there are sooooo many better options!

A large part of my coaching work with my single clients, focuses them in on living their best SINGLE life.  When we are happy, healthy and content on our own, we attract other happy healthy and content people...however this is also about stepping in the abundant belief that one day, this single life WILL be over… so we better enjoy it while it lasts!  Woot!

To that end, I gift thee this week, with the ultimate Valentines Survival Guide for those who are currently single.  No longer, does the 14th of February have to live in infamy within our minds and hearts!  

1.  The Anti-Valentines route

Attend an Anti Valentines party with Bumble.  The worldwide dating app Bumble, hosts some pretty fun Anti Valentines events so check out to see where they are doing one local to you.  Similarly, other dating apps, like Match, RevL etc.. also usually host parties too.  OR, just google 'Anti Valentines near me', and see what revelry stands out in the search result

2. A very Doggy Valentines

Take your sweet pupper to a doggie Valentines Day Event.

Oh hell yes, these exist.  And it can be a great way for you to not only honor your beloved dog on this special day, but also get swamped with doggy kisses from all in attendance.  And hey, maybe you’ll meet an owner or two, who is just your type too.

3. Dance, Dance, Dance!

Dance the night away!   One of my favorites is the Yonce Anti Valentines Day night in East London.  I mean, hello?  Dance the night away to Beyonce?!?!  Yes please!  

Grab some friends and head out for a night of some serious booty shaking fun.

4. Attend A Singles Event

Photo by Samantha Gades on Unsplash

Singles Events are bountiful the weekend of Valentines day.  A quick browse of Designmynight . com or Timeout quickly reveals just how popular this option is on Valentines Day.   Head out into the wilds to bravely meet other singles, who are looking for love on Valentines.

5. Pamper Yourself!

Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

Check in for a oh so necessary afternoon at the spa, book in a massage, book in a yoga or meditation class or retreat, or simply set up the ultimate pamper night at home complete with a long bath bomb soap, champagne and a face mask.

6. Do something on Your Singles Bucket List

Image by Shutterbug75 from Pixabay

Do a crazy or self indulgent thing that is possible, because you ARE single!

Book a sky dive, drive a super car, go on a weekend city break, head off to the mountains for some skiing, go see the super sappy movie, or an all day rave…book in the kind of thing that you CAN do, because there is no other half to check in with, or kids to worry about!


Going on a solo adventure not an option?  Calling all my Single Mum’s and Dad's!  Book in a fab valentines adventure with your kids!  They qualify for ‘love of your life’ status, so why not?!?!

7. Get Your PALentines on!

Photo by AllGo - An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash

Skip the GAL only and gather for ALL your single fabulous pals for a night out or in.  Grab those single girlfriends, guy friends and non binary pals and head out for a nice dinner, some drinks or even better have a Palentines potluck complete with signature singleton cocktail (or mocktail) for a great night in, with some of your besties.

Hey, some of our truest soul mates in this life, are platonic lovelies, and they deserve all my love on Valentines day!

So, yeah. Greeting Valentines by closing your eyes, placing your hands firmly over your ears whilst chanting LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!’, is NOT your only option!

I hope this Love Letter inspires your to change up your V Day routine.

What are YOU going to do for Valentines day, dearest one?

Comment and inspire us!

The 6 Steps to Being A Better Receiver of LOVE; And why Mums struggle to find and receive love, most.

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Before we get to the HOW, we must rumble with the WHY.

One of the most common stumbling blocks for my clients, those looking for love AND those who are in relationships, is the ability to truly receive love from others.

Difficulty with receiving, is not limited solely to the women, however, by far, it effects my female clients far more often than my male clients. Of the women I coach, those who are mothers, suffer most. Struggling to receiving love, appreciation and time from others can be a massive roadblock, we must clear, in order to position them in the place to attract the right partner for them AND to give and receive love, like never before in their relationships.

So why is mostly ‘a women’s issue’?  And why in the world, are Mum’s the worst receivers?

Because, we are the best givers.

Women in general, are the not socialized nor taught to be very good receivers.  In fact, quite the opposite.  From a very young age, we begin training, to be nurturers and givers. We push our little mini pram with its dolly down the street proudly, and the praise received for being such good carers, starts young.  From as little as 3 years old, we begin to define our self-worth, by how well we care for others. OR, in this case, for dolly.  Little girls are often given the role of minder or babysitter, for their siblings, way younger than boys.  And, I meet VERY few little boys who are running their very own babysitting empire by age 13… like I was. In fact, I haven’t met or heard about a single one!  That is not to say their isn’t a 13 year old boy out there, running his very own version of The Babysitters Club however the rare exception does not negate the fact that even that famous series of books, features girls and is geared towards girls! 

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Under traditional gender roles, we are encouraged to provide for others, through acts of great service.  We cook, clean, chase children to and fro, take leading roles in selecting schools for our children, their hobbies, play dates.  I would love to type here that up until the 1950’s-1970’s we were also the sole care takers of the adult men in our lives, however I think saying ‘up till’ is pretending like that expectation is firmly in the past, and, for many, it’s not.

And the ultimate well in which we are expected and applauded for pouring all of our time, energy, spirit and even money into… is parenting.  

When I am working with single Mums, who are looking for love, the struggle is realAF.  On most days, you are indeed the sole carers for your children with little choice in taking the leading role. Often, the children, become a focal point for all our love. Here is someone who consciously, or unconsciously we have decided, won’t hurt us, abandon us or think we are anything less than Super Woman. Well, at least till their about 15, then it’s anyone’s guess what the teen version of them, will think of us.  

Even the love, we should be showing ourselves, gets bumped down the priority list, to meet their needs, wants and desires, first.  Some common battle cries I hear… “I do really want to take this course, but I’m saving to take the kids to Disney!”  OR “A weekend yoga retreat?!?! I desperately need that BUT I don’t have time or money for that! Now, piano lessons for little Susie, that I HAVE to find the money for!”

Sound vaguely familiar, dearest one?

Now let’s play this careGIVER role out in our adult relationships.

Another very common tale I hear, is of women who call me absolutely mystified when their partner or new beau has legged it.  They did EVERYTHING for them! Who was there when their mom died?? You!  Who helped them re-write their CV so they could land that dream job?? YOU!  Who encouraged, loved, cared for and GAVE to them everything a human could ask for?  YOU!   So why? WHY DID THEY LEAVE AFTER YOU DID ALL THAT!?!?

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Ready for a truth bomb? 

Deep breathes. Here it comes.  These traditional gender roles, have been messing with hetero normative relationships, and hindering their success, for millennia!  Cause guess what? We are raising our men to be providers!  The great hunters!  So when we do all the providing AND we can’t allow ourselves to receive?!?  YIKES!  Game over!  There is a deep rooted phycology that simply cannot connect in a loving relationship, if one person is doing all the giving and the other person is not being allowed OR challenged to provide.

Sorry, ladies.  I have to drop another big and painful truth bomb… to complete this picture.

When we GIVE we feel more in control. When we have to receive, we feel less in control and way more vulnerable.  BOOM.  Giving can be smoke screen we use, to incubate ourselves from being disappointed and hurt.

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NOW LET'S GET TO THE HOW!

Learning how to receive is paramount to participating in a healthy, successful relationship.  The steps to do so are simple, however not always so easy to master.

• Step 1 – We need to come to believe we are worthy to receive.

• Step 2 – We must break the association that our self-worth, (that we will only be enough), to our ability to give.  We have to feel confident, that we are still enough, whether we give or not.

• Step 3 – We need to become way more discerning about to whom, and why we give. 

• Step 4 – We have to slowly start to open up to receive.  Heck, most of can barely receive a compliment without trying to side step to shoo it away!

• Step 5 – We have to allow others to do for us.  We have to relinquish the control, that comes with giving, and lean into the courage and vulnerability it takes to receive.

• Step 6 – We need to start with us, first.  We must start caring for ourselves, and bumping SELF LOVE and SELF CARE, way up the priority list!

If you want to become a better receiver, and therefore position yourself to not just attract but keep the love you deserve, be brave, and take the above steps!

Please do engage deeply with compassion and care for yourself.  We are slowly re-educating ourselves, learning a new way to be seen and to be loved.  It won’t happen overnight, and some days will be better than others, by far.  And that’s okay. Step by step, inch by inch, we open our hearts and minds to being able to truly receive, love.