Does Love Conquer All? What is real love? It’s time we revolt against what pop culture has told us love is all about…
An interesting topic keeps arising with both my Relationship Coaching clients, the brave couples and empowered individuals who are in relationships AND my Love Coaching clients, the incredible fierce women who are out there in the wilds of the dating jungle.
What is a healthy relationship?
Whilst there are as many ways to flesh out the many facets and unique paths towards a ‘healthy relationship’ there are a few basic fundamental points that are universal and if we want the journey of love and partnership to thrive and be a well paved smooth road, we need to navigate the three primary relationships highways, with great care.
One of the basic principals of coaching, for me the coach, is to never assume you know, what I know. Confession time! I don’t always get that right. And over the last few weeks, it’s become apparent that this very topic is one of the ways, I’ve fallen down, as a coach. And today, I RECTIFY THAT! WOOT!
There are three major categories that relationships (and most people who engage with ANY kind of relationship) fall into; Independent, Co-dependent and Interdependent.
This is not one of those millennial races, where every one get’s a prize… there is one clear winner for the best and healthiest type of engagement in relationships.
In today’s LOVE LETTER I am going to present the big three, and YOU, dearest one, are going to tell me, what you think is the #1 health winner. Hop on, LET’S RIDE!
Co-dependent relationships are one of the most common ailments I come across in my coaching practice.
Here is the dictionary definition of CO-DEPENDANT.
Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement.
Right now, you might be thinking OH SNAP, BEEN THERE BOUGHT THE T SHIRT!
Or you might be saying, Hey drug addiction>? Mental health? That’s not been my relationship experience!
Let me drill down on the simpler yet deeper explanation of co-dependency.
I am only okay, if you are okay.
My well being is directly influenced by your well being.
I am not sure where I end, and you begin.
Co-dependent relationships are toxic for ALL who are involved, it enables the person we are trying to fix and it stifles our own happiness and ability to self create happiness from within.
Dictionary definition of INDEPENDENT = Free from outside control. Not depending on another for livelihood or subsistence.
Whilst this does affect more of my single Love Coaching clients, it’s also not uncommon with those in relationships. Independence is not a bad thing. In fact this feminist LOVES her some independence! Hellllo free from outside control! YASSS!
HOWEVER when we are using independence to self sustain 100% because we are convinced others will disappoint us, OR we feel that no one can be relied upon to do the job and/or do it right AND/OR in general are using independence to shield our own control issues… we lose out on allowing others to provide for us.
Human beings often connect most meaningfully in the exchange of love and through acts of contribution. If we are too independent to truly receive from others, we in effect make them redundant. And most people want to feel they play an active, impactful role on others lives. That they can contribute sustenance, whether that be emotional, mental, spiritual or even financial.
People are generally drawn to go where they are needed most. In fact, that’s often how we define a ‘good person’.
Definition = mutually dependent; depending on each other creating a framework of partnership.
My personal definition for independent? I want AND need you in my life, but not to have a life.
Interdependent relationships mean relying on each other for mutual support. Adding to someone’s happiness, however not being the sole font for that person’s happiness. We are open to give and receive within healthy boundaries, where asked, where appropriate whilst still allowing and even expecting self-sufficiency, too. Interdependent t partnerships do not necessarily mean everything is split down the middle 50/50, but instead means that each individuals assets and limitations are valued and utilized for an overall sense of equality.
You can be in an interdependent relationship where one spouse is the overall ‘bread winner’ whilst the other spouse is provides the highly valuable ( yet wildly un monetized) service of childcare. In a healthy interdependent relationships, those roles do not have to correlate with traditional gender roles, and yet they still can, if that is what works best for your relationship.
You can be in an interdependent relationship and still put concerted effort in to brightening your partners day, or booking those concert tickets you know will bring them joy but you don’t feel you HAVE to do those things in order to be liked, loved desired by your partner OR that if you don’t ‘make them happy’ they won’t BE happy.
I do hope the above offers you a very clear and easy to apply standard for relationships.
WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK IS THE WINNER FOR HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP OF THE YEAR?
And, where do you see where you have been curating, participating and harming yourself and others in your past relationship? OR, your current one, my dear?
Can’t wait to hear your responses in the comments!
REAL TALK ABOUT GHOSTING IN MODERN LOVE AND DATING FOR THE EMPOWERED WOMAN
and YOU can too!
Let's hit the rewind button for a moment...
NYC, 2008; I found myself sitting on my Upper East Side front stoop, in tears, feeling so very left behind, and wondering what the point of it all was.
I had just got off a call, where I was informed of my exclusion from our annual friends ski trip, because it was now a 'couples thing'. OOOOOF! Right in the stomach!
My friends, all recently into new relationships, thought they were saving me from an awkward week of being the 7th wheel. All I felt was this absolute confirmation, that I was less than whole for being single AND that I was now firmly running way behind the pack. That they were somehow moving on, and I felt so very stuck. It hurt, and triggered something right to my core.
There I was, strong woman, super successful in my career, a great social life by most standards, living in one of the greatest cities in the world, and feeling so alone and lost. testTHATlower2, I was str8 losing the plot, on my East 87th street building stairs!
I was so far away from my hearts desire, of love and partnership, I might as well have been on the other side of the galaxy.
WHY COULDN'T I SEEM TO SORT THIS AREA OUT?
WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?
WAS I BROKEN?!?
Hitting rock bottom in dating, saved my love life.
Surrender, saved my sanity.
And a coach, turned my life, right side round.
Waving a white flag and finally asking for help in the arena of love, literally saved my sanity. It empowered me to a level of wonder womaness that I didn't know was possible, and didn't really know was missing!
My self esteem, SOARED! My Confidence BLOSSOMED! And my tolerance for BS in every area of my life, dropped as I learned how to boundary like a boss, and really have my voice heard!
Oh, It also netted me the most extraordinary partnership with a truly wonderful human being, who is so very worthy and able of building a life beyond my wildest dreams with!
Darlin' It ran so much deeper than just getting on on dates.
So much deeper than all the 'drive them crazy for you' tomfoolery I was reading about online.
And it was so not about learning the secret location to the bat cave where all the good men were hiding!
It wasn't easy. It wasn't pretty on some days. But that worthy work, was one of the best decisions and investments in me, I've ever made.
I AM NOT ALONE!
My clients experience this same love life revolution and
deeply personal transformation!
So much so, they wanted to share their experience, with other women, like YOU!
Here is a quick peek at Katie's story;
And the lovely superstar, Ruth!
I am filled with such incredible gratitude when I receive these powerful testimonials from my clients. My heart just swells up against my rib cage with joy! That I have been able to help them facilitate tangible change in their love lives, AND short circuited the process that took me years AND years of blood, sweat and a whole lotta tears to figure out, simply because I was so convinced, I had to figure this out all on my own! I look back now, and I realize how crazy pants that was... and how I wouldn't and didn't hesitate to ask for help AND invest time, money and energy in my career, education, social life, heck even my travels... to get the results I wanted!
I hate to get all bragalicious over here, however one of my superpowers?? I have the actual mileage of working with incredible women and getting them results they never knew possible.
The proof is indeed in the pudding ya'll!
Can we real talk for a moment here?
There are a lot of folks out there who use the term 'expert' and claim they will help you attract the love of your life in 6 days (?!?!)... I'm not one to mince words, so let me boldly call BULLSH%T! on all that snake oil shizzle!
Transforming how we seek, attract, give and receive love is truly epic and worthy work, that takes time and a whole lotta heart!
Both of which I have no doubt, you have in spades, dearest one!
Before I leave you today, I want to let you know, my Spring 2018 Private 1-2-1 Coaching Programs are almost filled to the brim, with just 3 spaces remaining! If you are serious about revolutionizing your love life, stopping the endless going no where messaging of online dating and start getting out on to real 3d dates, with real 3d people in the real 3d world, the simple truth is, I CAN HELP!
2018 is cruising at top speed, and if you're not getting anywhere closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your life with, let's get on the phone and have a chat! FOR FREE!
I am offering up a my signature FREE 45 minute Breakthrough To Love Call today, so you and I can get right down to it, and start sorting it!
Let's go on a first date, lady! BOOK YOUR CALL!
The Law Of Attraction is bandied about these days like wild fire. Celebrities, CEOS, coaches, gurus.. you name it, THEY LOVE IT!
So, WTAF is the Law of Attraction? And how does it work?
AND, DOES IT EVEN WORK?!?!
Simply put the Law of Attraction is the universal law that states that every person has the ability to attract things into their lives through their own thoughts and intentions.
The Law Of Attraction states, that if someone is thinking and believing negative things all the time, they will attract negative things into their experience. If someone is thinking and believing positivity things all the time, they will attract that into their experience. In theory, ( and how most people speak about it) people can use the Law of Attraction to attract situations, experiences, money, people and even, material objects into their life.
(Before we move ahead, I will be referring to the Law of Attraction from here on out as LOA, to streamline this a bit, for me and you.)
A great deal about what is said about the LOA is only HALF the story!
Attraction is ONE OF TWO forces contained in magnetism. The other is REPULSION. Magnetism does not operate without out both poles. In other words, if you accept that you ate currently attracting elements (both good and bad) into your life, then you must accept you are repelling elements (both good and bad) as well, simultaneously. In fact, you are probably repelling a lot more than you are attracting! Your entire life experience, everything you have attracted to you, is very small in comparison to all the possibilities that are being repelled. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. There are good reasons to repel more than we attract. One reason, of course, is that if we attracted ALL THE THINGS, it would be quite overwhelming!
I had three simultaneous really wonderful job offers once, and it was absolute agony trying to decipher which one was the right choice! What if that was ten offers? Twenty?
Head. Officially. Done. In.
The LOA claims that by focusing in our intentions, words and actions towards the things we want to attract, that is exactly what comes our way. If we are focusing in on all the things we DO NOT want, then similarly, those are the things we attract. If you pick up your phone for a online dating swipe fest, filled with dread, wondering just how the people on the app will be wrong for you AND disappoint you... If you enter into this engagement filled with the conviction that you will be ghosted, waste your time and find catfishes galore, then THAT is exactly what you will find during your swipe-o-rama.
If we drop out the ‘WOO’ factor completely...
We can prove out time and time again that, changing or mind-set, being more positive, has a profound effect on our confidence, however it also has a profound effect on our physicality. Our tone, stature, body language and even how widely and genuinely we smile, is impacted, which of course is going to also hugely impact out engagement with other people and things! Even in the virtual world, on the days we are seeking the negative, we will find our eyes drawn to just that.
*WARNING* the Law of Attraction is SO MUCH MORE than simply sitting around thinking positively about how everything is possible and chanting ‘Manifest! Manifest! Manifest!!’
It’s is and needs to be so much more than repetitively thinking, saying and setting our intention, with ideas and statements like, “I will have lots of money” or “I will have all the love”.
Affirmations will not do the trick alone!
Please DO read on, as these next TWO crucial bits are what will, either make the Law of Attraction actually work, or not work!
For LOA to be functional, there must be CLARITY.
We must know exactly what we want and need in which to to attract it. The LOA requires us to use acute visualizations and descriptors for our thoughts and mindset of what we want to have, be and do, in order to consistently call it out to the universe, and attract it.
If I walk down the street, yelling, 'JOB JOB, I NEED A JOB. ANY OL’ JOB. I WANT A JOB!'
I may actually attract some job offers. Do I want to work in the mobile phone store? Or the flower shop? NO? Oh, well maybe we should be saying.. JOB! JOB!, I want a digital marketing job with a fortune 500 in San Francisco, JOB!
Similarly, it is incredibly helpful to boost our positive thinking with “I am ready for love” or 'I am lovable” however, that’s not using the LOA.
If you walk down the street chanting 'LOVE, LOVE SEND ME THE LOVE, ALLLLL THE LOVE. ' The Universe may very well respond… with a puppy! Erm, helllllo, PUPPY!!!!! OMG!!! HOWEVER, I bet you meant something, a bit different? We don’t want just ANYONE who wants to love us… someone with a pulse, a plausible sex addiction and £/$200K in debt, though crazy in love with you they may be, is not the look or the partner, you’re going for!
“BE CAREFUL WITH WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
And I do mean, TAKE GREAT CARE…
Take great care and time, and energy, heck” even some money AND get crystal clear on what exactly want to use the LOA for... visualize, journal, speak with people who love you about it, take a long hard look at your past, get a coach, see a therapist...do whatever it takes, so you can craft a clear picture and concept around love, your future soul mate & partnership.
Last, MAGNIFICENT, life changing part of the LOA?
Alright, in order to get to that I NEED to say this next thing...
One of the largest proponents for LOA, is 'THE SECRET'.
Straight up, I'm NOT A FAN of The Secret. Lemme tell ya why!
The Secret, in a nutshell, asks us to visualize and act as if our future intent is already our present.
And now, we’re back on to that street… chanting I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A LOTTERY WINNER, I AM A…
Hold up mi’lady. Have you even bought a lottery ticket? Oh, no? Erm….
Now, how about chanting “I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY. I AM MARRIED. I HAVE A FAMILY!”
Oh boy. Who's looking all crazy pants on the street now?
And again... "Are you actively dating right now? Oh, I see. You took yourself off all the dating apps and don't leave your house other than to go to work?!?! Erm...
What’s really interesting, is many of the original Secreters (is that a thing?) who traveled the world speaking about and teaching this, are now reporting back something really important. They say, if they could do it, write that book, all over again… they would add one TREMENDOUS things that is currently missing. ACTION!
Here’s is the deal. For the LOA to work, YOU MUST BE DOING! You must take actions, take risk, make time (oh yeah, no overnight sensations) and even spend some MONEY, to attract the things you want.
Its gonna take some WERRRRK, girl. Hard, worthy work!
I can and do give the women I coach all the heart mending, mind blowing, world changing tools & techniques in the world, however if they don’t TAKE ACTION… by embracing them, trying them AND take the show on the road… ZERO RESULTS! WOMP WOMP.
However, when THEY 'DO', take those brave actions, step out on some faith and take all the magic, out on the road... WOWZA!
Being open minded to new ideas, to new possibilities plays and taking on a more positive mindset, is step 1 of LOA.
Being honest, and I mean dig deep, SHAME FREE, honest about what and who you are looking for in a relationship and partner to create that crystal clear visualization is step 2 of LOA.
And being WILLING, to do the work, to take some risks, to take action on those new ideas, new adventures. To push yourself way beyond where you have been, is the final CRUCIAL step of LOA.
If you want something new & different, then you are going to have to DO something new & different!
My darling fierce single ladies,
Oh my, here it comes. Do you see it? It’s Valentine’s Day… and it’s here to puke heart shaped everything, ALL OVER YOU AGAIN!
And I know, that you know, that I know, that YOU KNOW... Valentine’s Day is an uber capitalist, made up holiday designed to monetize love and yet… YOU STILL FEEL IT! Right there, like punch to your very single heart!
It’s a jungle out there today in modern love and dating; swipe after soul crushing swipe is getting you know where closer to finding that extraordinary partner to share your already amazing life with, or heck even go on a second date!
Just when you’ve bravely survived the holiday season and New Year’s.
Just when you start to grasp onto some of those ‘New Year, New You’ resolutions with some manner of tightness…
Lord, help us all, is that FEBRUARY 14 upon us, already?!?!
Babes, I got you. As your personal feminist LOVE COACH allow me to offer up some incredibly tried and true options, that my clients absolutely love when the dreaded Valentines Day comes knocking in its pink sparkly onsie, that will keep all the angst and despair at bay! I mean, hey now, at least there’s loads of chocolate on sale come Feb 15th HOWEVER, let’s find more than discounted chocolate covered yumminess as consolation prize, shall we? Actually, F@CK THAT, Let’s not just survive V Day, LET’S THRIVE!
I have put together a neat little list of ideas for you to actually look forward to February 14th AND I’ve even combed through all the muck, mire and heart covered BS of events on offer in London, for some truly unforgettable SINGELTON Valentines Night out!
Not in London? Use this list as inspiration, as you let your fingers do the walking all over that blank google box, cause a lot of the ideas are not tied to location and events just like the ones I mention are happening in a city near you, too!
(p.s. I’ve also included a little of heart shaped Valentine Gift from moi’ to you, at the end of this article. That’s right, I’m sending you all the love, in the form of some real time tools to help you find and attract the partner you really want, and deserve!)
Get your Wonder Woman boots out of the closet, dearest one… WE’RE ABOUT TO SUPER POWER OUR WAY THROUGH V DAY, SingleAF!
V DAY THRIVE OPTION 1;
Get all GALENTINES DAY on it's ass!
Get together with the current loves of your life, your other fab single GF’s, and celebrate each other! Yup. There is more than just either being in a relationship OR avoiding Feb 14th like it’s a plague. In fact, there is a whole diaspora of amazingness on the spectrum between those two traditional V Day options.
Here are some #squadgoals AKA Galentines Day ideas to inspire you;
MOVIE NIGHT; Take in a movie on Feb 14th with your squad!
Winchester; Why yes, I will indeed coven up with my ladies and join Dame Helen Mirren for a night of frightful movie going! That’s right, no weepy rom-com, which frankly is part of the messaging that is killing modern love and dating anyways, and let’s go right to some good ol’ horror.
50 Shades FREED - I mean come on, it’s the ultimate chick flick anyways, so why not get your entourage up and out, and drooling a bit over Cristian Gray??
Host A Dating Horror Story Awards Night
Have a pot luck dinner party with ALL your single friends, girls, boys and beyond the binary, where each one has to tell TWO of their own dating horror stories. The Winner with the most cringeworthy story gets a plastic bedazzled crown and hailed as the Ultimate Date Fail Queen/King!
Get em' up and out!
Check out one of the many Anti-Valentine’s parties happening in your area. I’ve curated my top picks happening in London, just for you!
- The empowered women of BUMBLE is hosting an Anti- Valentines event @ one of my fav spots for a bit of fun, BOUNCE! Get your ping pong skills set to ninja! MORE DETAILS ON THIS EVENT HERE
2. Celebrate Galentines Day by letting your real soul sister, QUEEN BEY, be your guide for some late night single shenanigans! The Yonce 'Valentines Day' Experiecne @ XOYO on Wed 1r4th of Februart will be playing Beyonce tunes from 10pm -3am, NON STOP! All my singles ladies, UNITE
DETAILS ON EVENT HERE
Or push yourself way outside your postal code… Did somebody say ROAD TRIP??
Hit up skyscanner or whatever your preferred flight app is and play a game of Flight Yahtzee! Select up to £40 for return flight, and spin the wheel of chance. Then randomly choose a city break based solely on the flights in that price range. Rock up as a truly empowered INDEPENDENT LADY solo or grab a bestie and wander a new city together.
V DAY THRIVE OPTION 2;
THE REAL QUESTION...
Can you FIND LOVE on Valentines Day?!?!
If you’re game to find out… Here are some really interesting singles events happening on Valentines Day, for the SingleAF out there in the wilds of modern love & dating!
1. FUCK TINDER
A speed dating comedy show!
After two completely sold out runs in Australia, as well as sold out shows in Singapore & Edinburgh, f**k Tinder is returning to London.Designed to get single people together to have a good night out, chat to interesting people and do a lot of laughing. FYI Tickets go fast to these events, cause they’re just that good! MORE DETAILS FOR EVENT HERE
2. BAES R US
The folks over at BAES R US, have Vday Speed dating nights spanning the Valentine Day period for whatever your sexual preference. Baes R Us is a fun and fast alternative to the tyranny of Tinder nightmares offering a modern twist on romance. Meet like-minded young creatives offline in a relaxed & cozy setting; the smoothest selections of music all evening, let loose ice-breakers + free cocktail on entry. (14/02 is Gay, 15/02 is Lesbian, 16/02 is Str8 night) MORE EVENT DETAILS HERE
3. GET AN EXPERT IN!
Join ME for a FREE Online Masterclass on Sunday the 18th of February @ 8pm UK (3pm EST / 12 noon PST) as I dish out some of my absolute top tips to starting BOSSING Online Dating! I will show you how to stop the confidence killing swipefest that is online dating in its tracks and start getting out on real dates with the right people for you, FAST! I
LEARN MORE AND CLAIM YOUR SPOT HERE
My darlings, it’s time, to push way past your old mode of coping, by simply trudging through Valentines Day like February 14th is just another day, and you are all out of f@cks to give.
If we want something different, we are going to have to do something different, to get there!
Spread your strong, independent woman wings, and FLY!
(*Please note; I am NOT, in any way, associated with the above events or event curators, nor financially benefited by your attendance in any way. Just being your opinionated, benevolently pushy (ahem, American) LOVE COACH, filtering though all that’s out there to present you with some of the best options on offer)
A large part of the coaching work I do with women is turning these wounds over, and curating wisdom from them. Shortening the learning curve, but not eliminating it. Cause wisdom comes from the journey and from the wounds of falling flat on our heart.